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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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Hillary Clinton In The Middle East

The New York Times published an article today which is odd. Odd because it is not entirely a hate-fest of rumors and attacks and uninformed opinion:

For much of her tenure as secretary of state, Hillary Rodham Clinton has been less an architect than an advocate for the Obama administration’s Middle East policy. [...]

Obama The Muslim Enters The Mosque Of Doom

Why do so many Americans believe Barack Obama is a Muslim? Two polls released last week were a shock to Big Media and Obama acolytes because of the increased belief among Americans that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim (and even more Americans either do not know or perhaps refuse to believe the Obama [...]

Mosque Of Doom Dimocrats

It’s a fake community center only a fake community organizer could love. The Mosque of Doom builders are too busy to answer questions about their plans for the great unity to come. But the Mosque of Doom builders are not to busy to post attacks on other religions on their official Twitter site. [...]

The Obama/2x4 Schumer Mosque Of Doom Rising

Late this past Friday Barack Obama handed the keys to the U.S. Senate and the U.S. House of Representatives to the Republicans. By Saturday, Barack Obama was trying to take the keys back.

Of the many explanations for Barack Obama’s odd behavior this weekend there is one not a single person has commented [...]

How Is Barack Obama Like A Used Condom?

Riddle me this: How is Barack Obama like a used condom? We know it’s an indecent question but we are at an indecent time. To get the answer to our question you’ll have to go to the end of this article. To understand the sludge level of indecency ushered in America [...]

What Is A Good Muslim? The New York Mosque Of Doom

Update: Tonight Raheel Raza made the very same point we articulated: We need to support good Muslims like her, not the Muslims who want to cram down the collective throat the Obamination Mosque of Doom.

And comedian Greg Gutfeld says he is serious about building a gay bar for Muslim men right [...]

2x4 Chuck Schumer And The Mosque Of Doom

Senator Chuck Schumer (’hit Hillary with a 2×4 Barack, but don’t let anybody know I said so because I’m pretending to be her supporter’) can still be taken down in New York. The Republicans are running non-entities against Schumer. But Schumer is vulnerable. The ground zero Mosque makes 2×4 Schumer vulnerable.

The usually [...]

The God That Bailed

As part of the Big Pink health plan, we continue to monitor the fever levels of Hopium Guzzlers with thermometers stuck firmly in their recta.

First up – Andrew Sullivan, the one who thought Obama’s “face” was sufficient to bring about a golden age of “new politics”. Sullivan’s Obama Delusion was at a [...]

Heal The Planet? Obama World In Disarray

Update: General Petraeus (the guy who last week fainted, the guy Move-On attacked as “General Betray-us“) will now run things in Afghanistan. The firing of McChrystal opens up all sorts of taps.

The biggest of those taps is what will happen now in Afghanistan? There is supposed to be a major [...]

Obama At War With Hillary Clinton And General McChrystal (The New Shinseki)

Hillary Clinton has responded and thrown a grenade in the secret war. The war between Hillary Clinton, joined now by General McChrystal and others, against Barack Obama continues sub rosa. We wrote about this war and how Obama was “waging a secret war on Hillary Clinton” on January 7, 2010 and featured an [...]