Jay Leno: “Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs. And today, their parents are in New York at Bear Stearns trying to find their nest eggs. … Today at the White House, President Bush hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Young kids roll Easter eggs with spoons across the White House lawn. What fun that must be for kids if this was 1908. … In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain’s Social Security number. Got his social security number. You know what it is? Three. … Well, here’s the big brouhaha. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson … still thinks he’s loyal to the Clinton family, despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal. He just endorsed Barack. Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that. … Actually, the reason this is such a big story is that Bill Richardson was a member of the Clinton cabinet. And Clinton adviser James Carville … on Good Friday, he called Bill Richardson a Judas. Called him a Judas. Well, you know, there are a lot of biblical references in this race. Now they’re calling Bill Clinton ‘Jonah’ because he was once swallowed by a whale. … And Larry Craig did not file for re-election by the deadline. He legally cannot run for office again. How about that? Ironically, you know why Larry Craig missed the filing deadline? He was in the men’s room. … A Democratic congressman from Michigan, John Dingell, wants to put an additional 50-cent tax on every gallon of gasoline. Gee, I’m starting to understand why the Democrats keep blowing these elections. … See, the revenue raised by this goes towards repairing all the damage caused by taxpayers rioting over the fact that gas went up another 50 cents. … And former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer now in rehab for sex addiction. They’re trying to figure out why he wants to have sex with young women with no strings attached. I don’t know. Maybe ’cause he’s a guy! … It’s just getting worse for him. In the New York Post today, a former madam said that Eliot Spitzer would pay to watch other couples have sex. He would pay to watch other couples have sex. Well, that’s something we don’t have to worry about the new governor doing. We will finally be safe there. … The president of France said today, his country will reduce its arsenal of nuclear weapons, because if there’s one thing the French hate, it’s being too prepared to defend themselves” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 3/24).
David Letterman: “You folks have a nice Easter? Yesterday in New York City was the annual Central Park Easter Egg Hunt. Amazing. 1,500 eggs. They found 1,500 eggs and three dead guys. … Yesterday in New York, everybody was in the Easter spirit. As a matter of fact, former governor Eliot Spitzer, he was in the Easter spirit. He spent the day with someone named Bunny. … Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired — this is a bit of a scandal — because they were looking at Barack Obama’s passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain’s Civil War records. … Listen to this, ladies and gentlemen. You’re not going to believe this. There is a new super-toilet on the market. … Being described as high-tech, low flush. Senator Larry Craig just drove one off the lot. He said, ‘By God, I’ll take that little number.’ … Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, he did not sign up for re-election. He is not going to run for office again. So don’t let the stall door hit you on the way out, Larry. … After the scandal, you get the sordid details. This is what I hate. We’re now getting the sordid details with Eliot Spitzer, former governor. Apparently, when he was out whoring … during sex he would always wear his black socks. I know what you are thinking. Thanks, Dave, for searing that image in our brains. … For me, the only thing I keep on is my hair piece. … Black socks? Well, for heaven’s sakes, who does this guy think he is, Rosie O’Donnell?” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/24).
TOP TEN SIGNS THE GOVERNMENT IS SPYING ON YOU
10. You turn on television and see a live feed of your shower.
9. While you’re ordering pizza, mysterious voice on the phone tells you to forget the mushrooms.
8. There’s been an ice cream truck parked outside your house for 9 months.
7. Your dog has an antenna.
6. You came home early and found an agent dusting your wife for prints.
5. Your cat has an antenna.
4. After eating a falafel, your name was added to the “Do Not Fly” list.
3. Drudge Report features exclusive news about your breakfast.
2. CIA director Hayden calls and says, “Judging by these surveillance photos, you should get that thing on your ass looked at.”
1. During State of the Union, President suggests you to ask your doctor about Levitra (CBS, 3/24).
Bill Maher: “Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages. … Also, the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war. How romantic. Once again, they forgot to greet us with flowers. … Traditionally, this is the wood anniversary — five. Which is fitting, ’cause that’s what Dick Cheney gets when he thinks of war. … The war is going into its sixth year with no end in sight, the economy, of course, is tanking, but what is America freaking out about right now? That apparently Barack Obama went to a church and heard his pastor criticize America, and just sat there. Everybody knows when you hear something your pastor says that you don’t agree with, you get up there and you punch him in the f—— face … and you beat him with the cross. Not only that, this Reverend Wright … apparently he officiated when Obama got married. Wait ’til they find out the wedding band was the Wu-Tang Clan. … The thing is, Republicans, of course, don’t allow dangerous religious freaks to advise their campaigns. They nominate them. … Of course, Obama had to answer this. Did you watch his speech? … He hit all the notes. He said racism is real for black people. He said white resentment is real for white people. But, at the end of the day, why can’t we all come together with the shared knowledge that Asians can’t drive? … The good news is … on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. … The bad news is that it’s still far behind the footage of Spitzer’s hooker on ‘Girls Gone Wild.’ … This chick is everywhere. I swear to God, she won ‘American Idol.’ … The last person to get this famous for f—— some idiot was Kevin Federline. … New York’s new governor, David Paterson, he made history this week. He’s black, he’s blind and he’s hornier than the last guy. … He hadn’t taken his hand off the Bible when they swore him in before he admitted to having multiple affairs. See, this is what women don’t get about the male sex drive. He was blind and he still wanted to see other people. … And it’s not easy having an affair when you’re blind. He used to come home with lipstick on his shoes. … His wife was cheating, too. Did you know that? I would have loved to see that confrontation. ‘Honey, I may be blind, but I’m not blind.’ … And now the New York Post says that Eliot Spitzer is in therapy for sex addiction. I’m not sure he really understands the process. Today, he requested an analyst with really big tits” (“Real Time,” HBO, 3/21).
Jay Leno: “Winter officially ended this week. So that’s good news, yeah. Today, Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming. … Sunday, of course, is Easter. … Another big problem for Barack Obama this Easter Sunday — where’s he gonna go to church? … Easter, of course, is the time we celebrate miracles. See, we don’t have miracles like Easter and the resurrection and the parting of the Red Sea anymore. You know what I’m saying? Like, today, our idea of a miracle is gas under $3.50 a gallon. … Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It’s unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in Texas, the Democratic Party — it’s just unbelievable. To give you an idea how bad the Democrats are doing, in a stunning reversal, John McCain now 10% ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7% ahead of Barack Obama. And this is after Iraq, a recession, and no health care. Imagine how far ahead he’d be if the Republicans had actually done something. … This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They’ve never forgotten. … President Bush’s approval rating has reached a record low — 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends. … The cover of Time magazine asked the question, ‘What Did Hillary Do As First Lady?’ Well, we know what she didn’t do — Bill. … And Osama bin Laden has released another anti-American speech. And out of force of habit, Barack Obama denounced the remarks and said he wasn’t even in the room at the time the statements were being made. … Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden’s latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, ‘Dog, it’s just not working for me.’ … According to a new study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard, money can buy happiness, but only if you spend the money on someone else. To which former Governor Eliot Spitzer said, ‘See.’ … According to the New York Post, Eliot Spitzer has entered therapy for his sex addiction. He has sex addiction. He’s not horny, a sex addiction. See, I don’t know if it’s gonna work. When the therapist told him it was 300 bucks an hour, he said, ‘What can I get for an extra $50?’ … Have you heard about this? Playgirl magazine made an offer to Eliot Spitzer to appear naked in the magazine. Isn’t that unbelievable? I tell you, you know who really wants to see that spread? Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey. … In Tibet, the rumor is the Dalai Lama might be stepping down. Yeah, it turns out he was Client Number 11” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 3/21).
Conan O’Brien: “A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. … A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, ‘How much wine have they had?’ … I guess this is good news. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has reportedly entered therapy for a sex addiction. Spitzer said his therapy is going well, and that his therapist has a fantastic rack. … In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds, with gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur. … Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. … Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King. … A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy” (“Late Night,” NBC, 3/21).
Jon Stewart: “Yesterday, of course, a very special day. The five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq. … Hard to believe, folks. Five years, and they said it wouldn’t last. Seriously, they said it wouldn’t last [on screen: VP Cheney saying he doesn’t think Iraq will be a long, costly and bloody battle with significant American casualties; and Donald Rumsfeld saying the war won’t even last six months]. Missed it by [on screen: Stewart holds out extendable fake arms as far as they can go]. … Whatever the American public may feel about this war, one thing is certain — it doesn’t matter [on screen: Cheney saying ‘So’ when told by ABC’s Martha Raddatz that two-thirds of Americans say it’s not worth fighting]. So? … [on screen: Asked if he doesn’t care what the American people think, Cheney saying, ‘No, I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion poll’]. Yes, always let your incompetence be your guide. Public opinion polls are meaningless, right, Vice President Cheney? They mean nothing [on screen: old footage of Cheney in ’05 saying, ‘You look at the polls by ABC, it shows a great deal of optimism and hope on the part of the Iraqi people’]. I’m sorry, I should clarify — American public opinion polls mean nothing to him. But on this glorious anniversary, how is the man at the center of the storm feeling? [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, ‘The battle in Iraq has been longer and harder and more costly than we anticipated’]. Who is this ‘we,’ paleface? It appears that five years into this conflict the president is only now speaking to the American people as he should have in the beginning. Maybe we’ve all been wrong in viewing this war on a linear space-time continuum. Perhaps to view this war as a success, we have to look at it the way the president does — backwards. For instance, three years into the war, we were in trouble [on screen: Bush saying, ‘The terrorists haven’t given up. They are tough-minded. They like to kill. There’s going to be more tough fighting ahead’]. But just as we were getting discouraged by the tough fighting, two years into the war, some hope [on screen: Bush saying, ‘We made a lot of progress. It’s amazing how much progress has been made’]. But progress can be fleeting, and people will grow impatient for a turning point, which they will get one year earlier [on screen: Bush saying, ‘Today, as Iraqis joined the free peoples the world, we mark a turning point for the Middle East and a crucial advance for human liberty’]. Yes, it’s the kind of turning point that makes you think maybe, just maybe, in a little more than four years ago, this war will have been over [on screen: Bush saying, ‘Major combat operations in Iraq have ended and the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed’]. The war was over! Hooray! But victory without bringing home our troops is as a hollow pyrrhic victory indeed. Well, finally, we received word they would be coming home from war the night we sent them [on screen: Bush saying, ‘We have no ambition in Iraq except to remove a threat and restore control of that country to its own people, and you can know that our forces will be coming home as soon as their work is done’]. Four less years! Four less years!” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 3/20).
Jay Leno: “Oh, the big story. Barack Obama has increased his Secret Service protection, and that’s just to protect him from Hillary. … Well, it looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it’s going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it’s a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life. … Well, because of some discrepancies in the voting, New Hampshire says they will do a hand recount of all of Dennis Kucinich’s votes. Luckily, they will only need one hand. So, it shouldn’t take too long. … Hey, I thought this was unfair, ’cause we like Dennis Kucinich. He’s been here. NBC did not invite Dennis to tonight’s Democratic debate in Nevada. Although, to be fair, they did invite his hot wife. … And Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean ‘re’? When was it vitalized? … California having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears’ pregnant 16-year-old sister said, ‘Hey, I’m doing my part.’ … The New York Times says the Supreme Court may give the okay for voter ID laws. You know what this is? This means you would have to show an ID to get into a voting booth, which is pretty amazing considering right now most people don’t even show an ID to get into the country” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/15).
David Letterman: “Last year, New York City was visited by 46 million tourists. Whoa! Thank you, weak dollar. But listen to this. … The ‘Late Show’ — this is great news — is one of the 20 top tourist attractions in New York City. We are right between the new public pay toilet and the check-cashing dead guy. … You folks, are you a big fans of dairy? You folks drink a lot of milk? Then you know what I’m talking about. The price of milk has gone up 36%. Here’s what happened. The cows have joined OPEC. … But don’t worry, President Bush is already on the problem. He is going to fight the high cost of milk. He is planning to invade Wisconsin. … You folks who go to the movies seen ‘Bucket List’? … It’s a great idea. It’s a wonderful concept for a movie. It’s a couple of guys and they make lists of things that they want to do in life. … I just started making a bucket list. For example, number nine — don’t laugh — I want to start an alpaca ranch. … Number five on my list, I would like to have an attractive woman give me her correct phone number. Number 16 — this is kind of silly, just for the kids — I’d like to set a roach fogger off in my pants. Number 11, I’d like to call my doctor four hours after taking Cialis” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/15).
Jon Stewart: “So, we were talking about earlier in the week, President George W. Bush touring the Middle East. You know, he’s been president for seven years and he decided, ‘Hey, you know where I should go? Israel.’ Never been there before in his entire presidency. He went to six other Arab countries. Also went to Saudi Arabia. I assume he didn’t go there before because he wanted oil to reach $100 before he went. So why is he doing all this now? [on screen: ‘Bush’s Bucket List’ movie trailer saying, ‘If you had only one year to live in the White House, would you do the most obvious thing? Create a list of things to experience with your black friend? This January, the Bush administration in association with Rob Reiner presents the Middle East trip of a lifetime. They went looking to fortify strategic alliances; they wound up finding themselves’]. Here is the crazy thing about that. I actually have a bucket list. It’s just a list of all the buckets in my house. I have a red bucket and a gray one. Don’t even get me started on pails. … By the way, I wonder why Mrs. Bush didn’t accompany the president to Saudi Arabia. Oh, I see [on screen: Bush holding hands with Saudi King Abdullah]. Cheap joke. That’s a custom in Saudi Arabia, the men hold hands. They do things differently. For instance, their roundtable discussions are held at rectangular tables. For more of my hilarious quips of the eccentricities of Islamic countries, check out my new book, ‘The Book I Will Never, Ever Write Out Of Fear'” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 1/15).
Stephen Colbert: “I was on the Internet the other day, just to see what the kids are watching right now, and I saw this site called Bigthink.com. It touts itself as being the YouTube of ideas. What they do is, they have these very important questions that they ask of very prominent people and they get their opinions. … Does it seem familiar? A prominent person delivering their opinion on camera with nothing cluttering up the screen except their face. That’s what I do. That’s all I do. You take that away, I’ve got nothing. So, my question for Bigthink.com is, what is the deal? Give me a break, man. I got no writers!” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 1/15).
Conan O’Brien: “A very important night. The Michigan Republican primary is tonight. … The big Democratic debate in Las Vegas. I love that they’re having it in Las Vegas. It’s the place to have a Democratic debate. And, of course, the biggest story of all, ‘American Idol’ is back on the air. … Do you realize how huge ‘American Idol’ is? It’s huge! … More Americans will participate in ‘American Idol’ than in the election of our next president. It’s true. That’s a true fact. And they’ll be happier about the result” (“Late Night,” NBC, 1/15).
Jimmy Kimmel: “The Democrats debated tonight in Las Vegas. Barack Obama picked up a very important endorsement there from the Hookers Union. If you can get the hookers, all you need is about half the magicians and you have the state of Nevada locked up. … Dennis Kucinich today got a judge to order MSNBC, the cable channel, to let him be a part of the debate, which is the political equivalent of your mom forcing the other kids to play with you. … But then a state Supreme Court judge overruled him, so he couldn’t go to the debate. Apparently, the fact that he has no chance whatsoever has not slowed Dennis Kucinich down at all. I don’t blame him though, because when you look like a Keebler Elf and your wife looks like this [on screen: Elizabeth Kucinich], how can you help but believe that anything is possible?” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 1/15).
Jay Leno: “Did you all see the Golden Globes last night? What a piece of crap that was. … Was that the worst show you ever saw in your life? It looked like it was being broadcast from the old Soviet Union or something. You know, if that doesn’t settle the writers strike, nothing will. … And just ’cause a movie star wins a Golden Globe, that doesn’t mean they’re gonna get an Oscar. The Golden Globes is kind of like the Iowa caucus for actors. You make a showing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. … President Bush currently visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today, President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terrorism. Oh, yeah. So fully, they’re on both sides. … And the country says they are getting more progressive. For example, today, the king said they’re considering allowing women to drive in Saudi Arabia. Well, except for Lindsay Lohan. … According to Google trends, this tracks what people look up on the Internet, people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia. Boy, that’s the ultimate dilemma for Republicans. Gays with oil. Uh-oh! … And it was this week in 1914 that Henry Ford adopted a minimum wage of $5 a day. And today, to prove they are not cheap bastards, NBC told the striking writers they will match that” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/14).
David Letterman: “Did anybody see the big Golden Globes Awards last night? Well, because of the writers strike they had to cut the ceremony down from three hours to one hour. And the winner is … the American viewing public. … Today is my 8th anniversary of my quintuple bypass surgery. … The operation was made possible because I negotiated a special interim agreement with the writers guild. … But eight years ago today, let me paint the word picture for you today. I was out cold, just like a mackerel. And I got tubes running in and out of me. And just clinging to life. … My family gathered around me, busy, very busy calculating their inheritance. … There’s a guy in Montana. And the cops chase the guy in a stolen pickup truck. … The chase lasted 18 hours and he’s driving the pickup truck. He’s naked. A naked guy driving a stolen pickup truck, the chase 18 hours. And I’m thinking, ‘Oh my god, please get some help, Senator Craig'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/14).
Jon Stewart: “Everybody on the streets are telling me, ‘Jon, New Hampshire is done. Iowa is done. I need my primary fix.’ Don’t worry, folks. Help is on the way. On Thursday in Myrtle Beach, their hometown, the Republicans held their last debate for the South Carolina primaries. … Going in Mike Huckabee and John McCain each had one major victory under their belt. … Let’s see how Huckabee and McCain, who are now the two frontrunners for the Republican nomination, do in a good, old-fashioned Republican debate Reagan-off. Governor Huckabee [on screen: Huckabee saying, ‘Well, I stay faithful to the things that Ronald Reagan stayed faithful to’]. So Governor Huckabee has never cheated on Nancy Reagan. I don’t know what good that is going to do to the rest of the electorate. Let’s move along to Senator McCain [on screen: McCain saying, ‘I’m proud to have been a member of the Reagan revolution, a foot soldier’]. I was a gunner. There we were — McGovern to my left, Dukakis to my right. There I be. You know, let’s open up the Reagan-off to the floor [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, ‘Ronald Reagan appointed me associate attorney general of the United States’]. Ronald Reagan knew your name. The first round of the Reagan-off goes to Giuliani. Let’s see. The first round is worth, I don’t know, 911 points. … After the Reagan-off, the candidates had to show the people of South Carolina that they understand their problems. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying, ‘I know how to secure the borders’]. You know how to secure the borders. Apparently, South Carolina having a terrible time with two wiley boot leggers from Georgia [on screen: footage from ‘Dukes of Hazzard’]. … McCain continued [on screen: McCain saying, ‘I come from a border state where our borders are broken. More people come across our border illegally every year than most any other state’]. So it sounds like you don’t know how to secure the borders. … I believe that Huckabee and McCain have opened up a real opportunity for Giuliani in this debate. Let me hear what he has to say [on screen: Giuliani saying, ‘I threw Arafat out of the UN 50 celebration and I made sure Castro wouldn’t come to that celebration’]. Basically, Giuliani is saying that his foreign policy experience is stopping two old men from going to a party. … The big news last night, what a night. Golden Globes, people, a.k.a. the fun Oscars. No? Talking Grammys? Hetero Tonys? Retarded Pulitzers? Anybody? Golden Globes! It was supposed to be on NBC, but there is a writers strike. But the show must go on. A long story short, NBC never aired the full Golden Globes. All they did is show a press conference where they read the names of the winners on CNN. The show you never see became the press conference you had to miss. … Here’s how the Golden Globes were covered. CNN showed the feed of the press conference where the awards were announced during ‘Larry King Live’ and Larry King just talked over it [on screen: footage of King’s commentary]. This is my proposal. During the strike, all shows should just have attached to them Larry King’s stream of consciousness commentary. … ‘I am watching what you are watching. Mentally processing the same information that you were just given only I will comment on it for you'” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 1/14).
Stephen Colbert: “I have already done four shows without my writers. I don’t think I’m tooting my own horn when I say I think it went pretty well. … Evidently, I am not the only one who’s noticed how well I’ve done because my hero, Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly, evidently last week said something about me and my performance without writers on his show. A lot of people said I should take a look at this. I haven’t seen this yet. But, Jimmy, what have you got? [on screen: O’Reilly saying, ‘Stewart and Colbert, they can’t even find the cameras without the writers. I was watching them last night. They’re like, ‘where do I look now’]. F— you, old man! … I would like to see you do this for 30 seconds. Your withered old frame would snap. … After Iowa and New Hampshire there is no clear leader on either side of the aisle. For the Republicans, whoever the eventual nominee is, his fortune depends upon the voters answering one simple question [on screen: pundits asking who is the modern day Ronald Reagan]. … Fred Thompson is like Reagan, and he has had his Reaganesque ass handed to him twice already. Now he has drawn a line in the sand and he knows he has to go after the real Reaganesque man, Mike Huckabee. There was a debate last thursday in South Carolina. Thompson went after Huckabee. … So the first thing he did was go like a pit bull or rather a pit sloth [on screen: Thompson saying, ‘He would be a Christian leader but he would also bring about liberal economic policies, liberal foreign policies’]. Which is it, senator? Is he going to be a Christian leader or a liberal? You can’t have it both ways. What bugs me most about Thompson’s attacks on Huckabee is that he is putting out untruths. Look at what he said about Huckabee’s record [on screen: Thompson saying, ‘He has the endorsement of the National Education Association and the NEA said it was because of his opposition to vouchers’]. That is misleading. Yes, he had the support of the NEA, but it was not the National Education Association. It was the National Endowment for the Arts. And that is only because of Huckabee’s early work with avant-garde photographer Robert Mapplethorpe. … Look, you can’t blame Huckabee. He was young. He needed the money. He had to pay for divinity school somehow. … Just because Thompson has a folksy manner with a deep voice, that doesn’t mean you can necessarily trust him. Let’s remember he’s an actor. He’s an actor on ‘Law & Order.’ They train all the guys on ‘Law & Order’ to say things you should never believe in a trustworthy manner. As I have proven many times in my award-winning series ‘Sam Waterston Says Things You Should Never Believe In A Trustworthy Manner’ [on screen: Waterston saying, ‘It’s okay. I’ve had a vasectomy. I swear’]. I happen to know that’s not true” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 1/14).
Conan O’Brien: “Big night last night. Of course, last night the Golden Globes were supposed to be on NBC. … But because of the big writers strike, it was very different this year. This is what happened. They didn’t have the normal awards show. A few channels, including NBC, just announced the winners and the whole show was 31 minutes long. No celebrities, no hosts, no nothing. … Now like a lot of people, I just happened to watch it on CNN. I’m not an NBC guy. It’s not a good fit. … Anyone check it out on CNN last night? … It was narrated by Larry King. I’m not making this up. … You couldn’t see him, all right? They were showing the announcers just announcing the different categories and then announcing who won and Larry King would be quiet, in fact, you’d forget he was there. You couldn’t see him. He wasn’t saying anything. Then when a winner was announced, suddenly Larry would pipe up with his two cents. His random thoughts about what was happening out of the blue and it was startling. Literally. I was startled several times watching the broadcast [on screen: footage of King’s commentary]. … Now, I’m not an awards show person. I just don’t really watch them that much. I don’t get into them. I was riveted watching last night on CNN and it got me thinking, I believe that the Oscars, which are coming up in … a month or so, I think the Oscars should be done the same way. I think the Oscars should have an unseen Larry King, you never see him, he’s quiet, but when someone wins, he just starts shouting out his spontaneous thoughts. And it would be the best Oscar program that we’ve ever seen” (“Late Night,” NBC, 1/14).
Bill Maher: “Much like Hillary Clinton, I finally come before you tonight without armor, no writers, no one putting words in my mouth. I’m going to speak from the heart and hopefully by listening to you, I will find my own voice [on screen: Maher starts crying]. … I don’t get this. Hillary Clinton’s been bragging all year long that she’s been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There’s a medical term for this — ‘slow learner.’ … It’s so good to be back, and I think we really came back at just the right time. Of course, we miss our writers. I love these guys and I know they’re hurting inside ’cause they would love a crack at the sh– that’s going on. This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word ‘change’ one more time, I’m going to change the channel. … Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, ‘I love change. Change is good. Who doesn’t like change? Whatever I just said, I’d like to change that.’ … The next big test apparently is in South Carolina. … For the Democrats, they say black women will decide the fate of the two leading candidates in South Carolina. Black women. And where do black women, they say, make their decision? In the beauty shops. … They actually caucus each other. Apparently, when someone holds a hot curling iron this close to your head, you take them seriously on the issues. … Democrats, for all the controversy, have been going pretty easy, I think, on Barack Obama. When the Republican slime machine gets a hold of the stuff that’s just in his book, like where he says he loves doing drugs, I mean, you know what kind of campaign they’re going to run. ‘America, are you really going to vote for a black teenager on drugs? We’re running Ward Cleaver. Are you crazy?’ … There’s still a lot of latent racism out there in America. Did you see the Golf Channel controversy this week? … This chick on the Golf Channel said the other players should lynch Tiger Woods. … Of course, Al Sharpton got involved. I was shocked. He said this was offensive to all black people. You mean the black people are watching the Golf Channel? … These are challenging times for the politically correct. Don’t blame me for being sexist because I read this in the New York Times. Hillary Clinton was going to lose New Hampshire, and then she cried, and people voted for her, especially the women. They wanted to see the robot cry. It was like P.T. Barnum — ‘See the robot cry.’ … I noticed it was the exact right amount of crying. … It wasn’t like a full tear. People would have been like, ‘Oh, come on, that’s glycerine.’ … If it was any more crying, it would have been like Howard Dean’s scream. … The timing of the crying was a little suspicious. She’s been in public life all this time, she never once cried before and the day before her entire career was on the line, the crying comes. So, who do I more believe — Hillary Clinton’s cry or Roger Clinton’s denial? I got to go with Roger. … This cry was all prompted by a question Hillary got. She was in a diner, where she eats most of her meals. A woman said to her, ‘I just want to know how do you do it.’ Hillary went through this long, teary response about how it was personal for her and she was there to fight for us. And then the woman said, ‘No, I just mean your hair. How do you do your hair?’ … Everyone is on this youth bandwagon. Fred Thompson, he wants everyone to know he’s down with the kids. In fact, today, he said he’s the one who knocked up little Juno” (“Real Time,” HBO, 1/11).
Jay Leno: “According to Men’s Health magazine — I thought this was interesting — men who are angry are three times more likely than women to want to use sex to solve a disagreement. Let’s just hope John McCain and Mitt Romney don’t hear about this. … I was reading a story in the paper today … about a man who actually trains the suicide bombers in the Middle East. Did you see the story? And he says he does not accept every person who volunteers. Well, what does that do for your self-esteem? … Imagine being turned down for the job of suicide bomber. ‘You know, I’m sorry, we’re going in a different way. You’re really not what we’re looking for.’ … And how do you go back home and tell your parents you didn’t get that job? ‘What, Ahmed? You idiot! Did you tell him you graduated from DeVry Institute?’ … And some sad news. Olympic runner Marion Jones — you know that whole story? … She admitted to lying about taking steroids. She got the maximum sentence from the judge today — six months in prison. The good news — because she is the fastest woman on earth, she’ll be able to serve it in 3 days and 28 minutes. … According to a new survey, 11% of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? Isn’t that amazing? President Bush commented on this today. He said, ‘Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They’re already here'”” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/11).
David Letterman: “We live in a world of miracles. General Motors is producing a car that is driverless. A driverless car. We already have them here in New York City. We call them cabs. … President George W. Bush is in the Middle East. He’s over there right now because his approval rating is higher. … Bush would like to settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He’s so confident about doing this that he’s already unfolding the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. … The Middle East is a dangerous part of the world. They have warring factions, blood thirsty fanatics, hatreds that go back hundreds of years. I’m telling you it’s like the Hollywood writers strike. … When something like this happens, when the writers go on strike, you don’t think of the residual affects, the ripple affects. You don’t think of other possibilities. You don’t think of other problems that go wrong. Listen to this. Because of the writers guild strike right now, it’s really impacted show business in ways you could never imagine. Earlier today, Brad and Angelina had to return a child. … Because of the writers guild strike, NBC announced they are cancelling the Golden Globe award show. Well, so some good has come of this then. … But here’s what people like about the Golden Globe show. You can drink alcohol during the show. Hell, I’ve been doing that for 25 years” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/11).
Conan O’Brien: “The promotion department here at our great network has been doing all they can to get the message out that Jay and Conan are back, you know. They’ve been trying to get some ads out there. I appreciate that, because if you’re a regular viewer of our little show, you know I’ve had problems with the NBC promo department in the past. We didn’t always get along. I sometimes questioned their judgment. I questioned the way they represented our show to the world. Just to familiarize you. Here’s a typical example … of how the NBC promo department used to promote my show. Take a look [on screen: Announcer saying, ‘Jay’s all new all this week with George Clooney, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Cameron Diaz, Hilary Swank and Matthew McConaughey. And Conan’s got ducks’]. And Conan’s got ducks? … I used to squabble with them all the time. You know, we’ve got a nice show here. We’ve got some good stuff going on. Come on. So, you know, we finally worked things out, and I thought we had put all that behind us. And in the current situation, I believed that everyone at NBC was doing their best to promote the show. And anyway, this morning, okay, I’m getting dressed. … I’m watching the ‘Today’ show, and I see this promo for myself and Jay Leno. … It’s an improvement over the way things used to be, but still, I was a little less than pleased. Again, this is real. Take a look [on screen: Announcer saying, ‘Jay’s all new and Ross the intern manages to uncover some goodies at the Golden Globes. Then Conan’s all new with a newfound intensity’]. A newfound intensity? What are they talking about? … They spent nine hours, and that’s what they came up with? … I’ve been doing this show for a long time. I don’t think that in the last week and a half it’s the first time that I’ve come to life. Okay? I haven’t exactly been sleepwalking through ‘Late Night With Conan O’Brien,’ but, to prove my point, let’s take a look now at the old Conan. The sleepy, drowsy, just phoning it in Conan. The Conan that had no intensity. He hadn’t found it yet [on screen: clips of Conan yelling]” (“Late Night,” NBC, 1/11).
Jay Leno: “Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that, huh? … And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. He was a big winner up in New Hampshire, too. … Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent 5 1/2 years in prison then went into politics. Usually it’s the other way around. … Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him. … You know what’s interesting, I heard one of these political pundit guys say on cable today, that a lot of people think John Edwards may be too good looking to be taken seriously. And boy, do I know how that feels. Remember the first ten years? That’s why I put on some weight. So, I wouldn’t be carrying that burden. … And last night, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his ‘State of the State’ address. He talked about his solution to health care. He said, ‘Walk it off. Do a few laps. There’s nothing wrong with you. Exercise the tumor away.’ … This year, the immigration and naturalization service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. How much do you think it costs to become a U.S. citizen? It’s about $700. … It now costs $700 to become a U.S. citizen. In fact, you know how much immigration and naturalization expects to make this year on people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/9).
David Letterman: “President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn’t really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yamaka. … When you take George Bush out of his own environment, when you take him out of his own culture, like in Israel for example, he makes mistakes. … Earlier today, he was speaking it a group of people in Jerusalem and he finished up by saying, ‘I am Jewish guy.’ … There’s no getting around it, George Bush is confused. He thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perelman. … How about this? Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary last night, huh? … It was a surprising victory and today she is denying that she used human growth hormone. … Political experts or pundits are now saying that Hillary got a boost by showing flashes of actual emotion. You know when we broke down and was teary eyed, showing actual emotion. I was like geez, I wonder if that could work for me” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/9).
Jon Stewart: “Last night, I got done with the show. I ran home, I flipped on the TV, and damnit she did it [on screen: a female winning ‘American Gladiators’]. She did it. Nobody gave her a chance. All the pundits are predicting Nitro. Is that one of the names of the people? That might have been the old ‘American Gladiators.’ … But I didn’t watch New Hampshire, and I’ll tell you why … because I don’t watch shows I already know the ending to [on screen: pundits saying Barack Obama will win NH]. Oh, my god. Put the biscuits in the oven and call it a night, folks it’s Barack Obama. … Here are the real results: Hillary Clinton 39%, Obama 36%. But, of course, I had to listen to the pundits and now what am I supposed to do with this? [on screen: a celebratory video of Obama winning NH]. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks for calling it for Obama two days ago and we spent all our budget on that and now the crew guys have no lunch” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 1/9).
Stephen Colbert: “Everyone is shocked. The news! The news, ladies and gentlemen, caught everyone by surprise. The votes are in. The winner has been announced, and I hope I’m not giving anything away here, but it is a certain woman with short blonde hair who is famous for wearing pant suits. The winner is … Ellen DeGeneres won the People’s Choice Awards for Favorite Talk Show Host. … But, of course, that is not the only news from yesterday. There was also another figure on the national stage, a very tall, short-haired charismatic African-American man who disappointed a lot of people when it was found out … that Will Smith is now a Scientologist. … But there was another story yesterday. … Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary for the Democrats right there. Just beating all the expectations, folks. Everybody thought she was down for the count. She wasn’t going to make it. The question on everyone’s mind was, you know, how did Clinton pull this one out of the pooper. And I believe Jim Lehrer asked that of Gwen Ifill on the PBS ‘NewsHour.’ ‘Gwen, how did she pull this one out of the pooper?’ And people are saying it’s because about 36 hours ago she turned on the water works and showed some emotion. People are saying it had a certain affect on the voters [on screen: Weekly Standard’s Bill Kristol saying, ‘She pretended to cry. … The women felt sorry for her and she won’]. The women felt sorry for her and she won. That’s Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard. Evidently, I should have said that to find her crying and humanizing, you yourself have to be a human” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 1/9).
Conan O’Brien: “I thought I’d take just a second to talk about the big story in the news. Okay? I’m speaking, of course, about the New Hampshire primary. … And I bring it up because it affects me personally. … Last Friday, the big story was the Iowa caucus. You all remember the Iowa caucus, just a couple of days ago? Mike Huckabee was the big winner. … Well, on that show that night, I claimed I was responsible for the victory, because Mike Huckabee was openly endorsed by Chuck Norris … aka Walker, Texas Ranger. And if it weren’t for me and my ‘Walker, Texas Ranger Lever,’ which we did on the show here for years, which, by the way, put Norris back on the map, Huckabee would have clearly floundered, right? … Follow me, okay? It’s simple. I made Norris. Norris made Huckabee. Ergo, I made Huckabee, yes? … Here’s the big mystery, okay. Last night in New Hampshire, Huckabee again campaigned with his secret weapon, you know who [on screen: picture of Huckabee and Norris]. … So everything should have gone well, right? Only no. This time, Huckabee fell apart. He flamed out. He only got 11% of the vote. Why? Why? Again, I believe I am responsible. You see, it was in the news today, a big part of Huckabee’s failure in New Hampshire is that apparently, he did not connect well with women. He did not do well with women. Now, this is a big mystery that all the pundits are trying to figure out today. Why would Huckabee, with Walker, Texas Ranger by his side, not do well with women? Well, maybe, because a few days ago, just after the Iowa caucuses, I showed this clip [on screen: Walker, Texas Ranger hitting a woman in the face]. Women no likey. … I’d like to apologize to the Huckabee campaign right now. I want to make things right. I want to use my power for good, not for evil. So now, I’m going to show a clip that will appeal to women. It’s soft. It’s romantic. And it will put the Huckabee campaign and Chuck Norris back on track. Ladies, enjoy [on screen: Walker, Texas Ranger proposing marriage to a woman and then getting shot]” (“Late Night,” NBC, 1/9).
Jimmy Kimmel: “I’m sure you’ve heard that Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire Democratic primary last night. She actually beat Oprah’s husband by a very slim margin, and a week ago, Hillary Clinton was the big favorite. Right now, it’s way too close to call. You know there are 50 states now? … And the Republican Party, it’s even more all over the place. Did you hear who won that one last night? [on screen: a news report that ‘John McLane’ had won]. That’s right , John McLane from ‘Diehard’ won the New Hampshire Republican primary. Hey, why not a Willis presidency? … Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It’s a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he’s very upset” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 1/9).
Jay Leno: “Well, it finally stopped raining. … You know what’s interesting? Even though we’ve had three bad rainstorms the last couple of days, forecasters say California could be looking at a three-year dry spell due to a weather pattern called La Nina. Did you ever notice when we have bad weather, we always blame it on Mexico? So when it rains, it’s El Nino. When there’s a drought, it’s La Nina. When there’s high winds, it’s Santa Ana. But when it’s sunny out, what is it? A beautiful California day! … I love how the government keeps telling us how the weather affects gasoline prices. For example, when the weather was rainy and cold, well, it takes more fuel to heat our homes. So, of course, the price of oil goes up. It has go up, we’re using more. Then when it’s sunny out, well, we take more vacations. We drive around. The price of oil goes up. We use more. In fact, the only time weather makes the price go down, I believe, is when it snows in hell. … Kind of a scary incident in the Straits of Hormuz this week. Do you know about this, where those Iranian boats threatened our navy? … President Bush said today he has no plans to attack Iran. Oh, he’s still going to attack, he just has no plans. … We’ll figure it out when we get there! … Same as last time. Don’t worry about it. … Former President Bill Clinton said today he is more worried about his wife’s campaign than he’s ever been about any of his own elections. Well, sure. He knows if she loses, they have to go home together” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/8).
David Letterman: “Beautiful day here in New York City. Oh, what a day. … I love it when it gets warm in New York City because when it’s this warm in New York City, New York City starts to smell like New York City. … I’ll tell you how warm it is today in New York City. It was so warm I shaved the rest of my body. … It was so warm today in New York City, Roger Clemens had a human growth slurpy. … Have you folks been following the presidential campaigns? … Today is a big primary in New Hampshire. … John McCain is leading in New Hampshire. McCain really, really wants to president. As a matter of fact, it’s number two on his bucket list. … I thought this was kind of cute. Did you hear about this? Bill Clinton is giving a speech in New Hampshire. I guess it was yesterday. During the speech, he takes a cell phone call from his wife Hillary. And, you know, Bill, of course, keeps the cell phone on vibrate — I don’t even have to finish the joke, do I? — because when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the ’90s” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/8).
Jon Stewart: “The surprising result from Iowa, Huckabee, Obama. It did make one thing clear [on screen: CNN’s McIntyre saying, ‘The message out of the Iowa caucuses is that Americans want change and Barack Obama clearly offers more change’]. Obama! He’s got the mantle of change. I wonder how that is going to sit with a certain lady [on screen: HRC saying, ‘I want to make change, but I’ve already made change. I will continue to change. I’m not just running on a promise of change, I’m running on 35 years of change’]. I can make change! Who’s got a $10 bill? Get that bill, put it in my mouth. … How are we going to settle this? Who’s the agent of change? Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? You know how to settle these things in TV Land? Pundit-off [on screen: MSNBC’s Matthews saying, ‘Is Hillary the change candidate or is Obama the change candidate? I can’t tell’]. Really, you can’t tell. I wonder who is the change candidate. I mean, it can’t be both of them. What would be a black man and a woman, how can that be different than the 43 other presidents we’ve had? [on screen: portraits of all white, male US POTUSes popping up]. … The Republicans, however, we all know are very satisfied with the way things are. They’re backing George Bush. They’re very excited about things. Before the Iowa campaign, the GOP was on board with status quo [on screen: Mitt Romney saying, ‘We should come together and recognize the great work our president is doing and not take our rhetoric or our plays from the Democratic playbook’]. Exactly. That was a week ago before Iowa. None of these guys jumping on the reformed boat to Change-istan. Sorry, I’m being told something’s changed [on screen: Romney saying, ‘Not only can I talk change with you, I’ve lived it’]. For instance, did you see that clip of me from last week saying the exact opposite of what I’m saying now? How many people can change like that over night? For God’s sake, I am a shape shifter. … My favorite part about Mitt Romney is, it doesn’t matter how bad you catch him in duplicity, he will … not ever let down. This is a great clip of him from the George Stephanopoulos show [on screen: Romney saying he hadn’t seen his attack ad against John McCain]. Did you hear him say that? Did you hear him say that? He said, ‘I didn’t see that one.’ Are you s——- me? You’re the CEO candidate. I guess you have to delegate. How do we know he’s actually telling the truth? Maybe he didn’t see that ad [on screen: Romney saying, ‘I’m Mitt Romney and I approve this message’ at the end of the ad]” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 1/8).
Stephen Colbert: “There is great news is out today. … This great news is out of the consumer electronics show in Nevada where GM has answered all of our dreams, ladies and gentlemen, by putting out a self-driving car. … I, for one, I would love a car with an autopilot on it because as regular viewers of this show undoubtedly know, when I get up to say 80 miles per hour, my mind starts to drift a little bit. I find myself wanting to text or send angry e-mails to the New York Times, or having an ah-ha moment with my girlo-friend Oprah, or read my best selling book, ‘I Am America And So Can You,’ or celebrate Cinco de Mayo. … The most exciting thing about this besides the convenience of that car is, I’m thinking that if they can create a self-driving car, how much longer could it be before they invent a self-writing television show? I mean, for someone else. I don’t need it. I’m fine” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 1/8).
Conan O’Brien: “As you all know, it’s a very different world here at ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’ these days. The Writers Guild, sadly, is on strike and we don’t have our writers right now. Anyone who’s a fan of this show — I know there’s two of you, and there you are and you’re leaving — you know that my writers are a big part of this show. We want them back here soon. … In the meantime, while they’re gone, I’m doing my very best to entertain my hundreds of millions of viewers all by myself. … We’re out here just doing everything we can think of. Card tricks. I delivered a baby the other night. You probably saw that. The mother’s here. You’re looking well. The other night I conducted a real estate seminar on the air with Erik Estrada. Sold a lot of land in Florida” (“Late Night,” NBC, 1/8).
Jimmy Kimmel: “They held the New Hampshire caucuses today. Is it caucuses? It’s cauci, right? … The results are in. As expected, a big comeback for John McCain who won on the Republican side. When I last checked, Hillary Clinton had a slight lead over Barack Obama. That one was very close. It was so close, they almost had to call Oprah in to make a final decision” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 1/8).
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE WATCHING BAD ELECTION COVERAGE
10. TV reporters seem to be using the word “dude” a lot.
9. Because of the writers strike, they show reruns of the Reagan-Mondale election.
8. Exit polling question: “Did you have trouble finding the exit?”
7. Three candidates each received 50% of the votes.
6. Top half of screen shows election coverage, bottom half is “American Gladiators.”
5. Pundit says it’s looking unlikely Bush will be re-elected.
4. It’s 3 hours of Dog the Bounty Hunter yelling racial slurs.
3. Correspondent spends most of the evening hitting on Kucinich’s hot wife.
2. Wolf Blitzer wanders on set screaming, “Top story — daddy’s drunk!”
1. Still haven’t projected winner from Iowa (CBS, 1/8).
Seth Meyers: “During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, ‘There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence — a noun, a verb, and 9/11.’ Giuliani later responded, saying, ‘Joe Biden sucks 9/11.’ … Hillary Clinton on Thursday visited Wellesley College and told students, ‘This all-women’s college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.’ Although she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-Bush. … Alex Rodriguez announced Sunday that he would opt out of his contract with the Yankees to become a free agent, making him a perfect fit for teams who have money to burn, but hate winning” (“SNL,” NBC, 11/3).
Amy Poehler: “Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, ‘What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?’ … Before announcing her retirement on Thursday, Martina Hingis revealed that she had been accused of testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon, but denied having ever used it. Though after she left, officials did notice the baseline was missing” (“SNL,” NBC, 11/3).
Bill Maher: “The Writers Guild is going out on strike. … I just hope the picket line didn’t inconvenience my 9/11 heckler. … People who are absolutely upset are the folks in the State Department. They want to send them to Iraq. There’s a lot of empty positions that need to be filled over there. But the people at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it’s dangerous over there. I haven’t heard that. … President Bush is furious. He said, ‘If you didn’t want to go to a war zone, you shouldn’t have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.’ … Did you see this Democratic debate this week? Wow! The six men all piled onto Hillary Clinton. It was like a porn movie. They were claiming she’s not a real Democrat because she might actually win something. … There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they’re calling it now? … He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday. … A sixth grade woman teacher from Nebraska … is on the run with her 13-year-old boyfriend. I know that sounds bad, but consider this, he is a child and she didn’t leave him behind” (“Real Time,” HBO, 11/2).
Jay Leno: “The writers are going on strike on Monday. … All of the writers were told by the union to take all their personal things home just in case. I had no idea our writers owned so many boxes of pens and paper. One of the writers apparently owns a printer and three fax machines. … They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the ’90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating. … As you know, the writers are the people who write your favorite TV shows, as well as the shows on NBC. … Hey, don’t forget to turn your clocks back an hour this weekend. You get an extra hour of sleep. It’s kind of like watching a Fred Thompson speech. … Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn’t that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can’t get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can’t get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power. … Another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. This time it’s a state representative from the state of Washington, a man named Richard Curtis. He admitted to dressing up in women’s clothing, having sex with a guy twice in one night, but he says he’s not gay. … Fortunately, the other guy was. … Anyway, Representative Curtis resigned from office yesterday. Out of force of habit, Larry Craig’s wife is standing by him. … All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, ’cause Bill’s been trying to talk her into that for years. … Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State Department after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world’s opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that ‘Mission Accomplished’ sign again. … Today, President Bush said, ‘The Iraqis are taking back Iraq.’ Then Dick Cheney said, ‘But not the oil, right?’ … In just one month, Don Imus will return to radio in New York City. I don’t think Don learned his lesson. Did you see who his new on-air partner is? Dog the Bounty Hunter” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 11/2).
David Letterman: “Here’s the kind of thing that makes this country great. A guy in Tennessee was in a food eating competition. … He wins the competition. He ate 103 hamburgers in eight minutes. … But you think about it, this has been a hell of a year for Al Gore. One thing after another. … Did you hear about this? There was a guy arrested in a hotel. … He’s in a hotel and he’s trying to have sex with a … bicycle. Please get some help, Senator Craig. I am begging you!” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/2).
Conan O’Brien: “It was just announced a few hours ago that the union for television and film writers is going to go on strike on Monday. All of us are hoping this will get resolved over the weekend. However, some of you may be wondering if there is a strike, how will it affect a show like ours? … I know everybody assumes I make the whole show up. That’s the word on the street. But believe it or not, some of the show is scripted. … I came up with the hair. That’s all me” (“Late Night,” NBC, 11/2).
Jimmy Kimmel: “There’s going to be a writers strike on Monday. As of Sunday night at midnight, all union TV and movie writers will stop work. There were will be no writing. Even our picket signs will be blank. … If you thought you were confused about what’s going on on ‘Lost’ before, wait until actors start making stuff up as they go along. … Another big thing this weekend — daylight savings time. Don’t forget Sunday morning, set your clocks. … The days are getting shorter and shorter. They say if this keeps up, in five months from now, the world will be completely dark. It’s what Al Gore is calling a global darking. Maybe we won’t need the writers actually, right?” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 11/2).
Jay Leno: “Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don’t think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving. … Yet another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. I’m starting to think GOP stands for ‘Grab Our Penises.’ … It’s another anti-gay, anti-gay marriage Republican. Washington state Representative Richard Curtis admitted to police he left his wife at home dressed up in women’s clothing, which were red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. He had sex with a man in an adult boutique, then went to a hotel with the guy and had sex with him again still dressed in the women’s clothes. So not only is the guy a hypocrite, he’s also a little tramp too. … After all this, the guy says he is not gay. Even Larry Craig is saying, ‘Shut up’. … All these Republicans having gay sex. See, that’s why so many women are Democrats, ’cause Democrats will at least have sex with them. … Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform — live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you’d see coming out of a UFO. … Hillary Clinton’s meltdown during the debate the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said, ‘It was Hillary’s worst performance since our honeymoon.’ … The Atlanta International Airport is considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms. To help cope with the huge drought in Georgia, they want shorter flushes on the toilets. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, speed dating” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 11/1).
David Letterman: “Anybody see the Democratic debate? … Tough night for candidate Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked him was, ‘And you are?’ … You know anything about Dennis Kucinich? … During the debate, he claimed he once saw a UFO. Yeah, a UFO. Not only that, he claims aliens introduced him to his hot wife. … But Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I’m thinking to myself, ‘Saw one? My God, it looks like he’s been riding one'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/1).
Jon Stewart: “Like any civilized country and organization, from time to time, we in America have to have a national conversation with ourselves. Ask tough questions about who we are; what we believe in; is our children learning; would we, in fact, would like fries with that; do we torture, which like any weighty question of ethics, is actually a question of semantics [on screen: Pres. Bush saying torture is defined in U.S. law]. It is? [on screen: a dictionary being pulled out]. Ah, here we go. Torture: an act specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering [on screen: Bush adding that the U.S. does not torture]. Suck on that, Belgium! We don’t torture. I’m so glad we don’t inflict severe physical or mental … what’s this right here? Oh, look at this, it’s a Justice Department memo in my U.S. law. We are allowed to headslap, expose people to extreme temperatures and simulate drowning, which is called waterboarding. Which, by the way, sounds soooo much better than simulate drowning. When you get waterboarded, it sounds like fun. I can’t wait to hop in my Jeep Liberty, drink some Mountain Dew and go waterboarding. But see, this is the trouble with not being barbaric — we always find ourselves in these gray areas. You’d be amazed how much uncertainty there is in the realm of drowning. … [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying the way torture has been defined in the liberal media shouldn’t be done]. What is the liberal definition? I have the Liberal Dictionary right here. Let’s see how they define waterboarding: ‘something done by the evil troops, who we don’t support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay married.’ I can see why he’d have a problem with that” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 11/1).
Stephen Colbert: “It’s a special night, nation. Tonight we find out whether my name will appear on the South Carolina Democrat primary ballot. … I’ve had my differences with the Democrats in the past. I’ve called them pansies, twits, losers, Dumbocrats, Democrazies and Nazis. But hey, that’s all water under their Nazi-bridge if I make it all on the ballot. I can play ball. As they say, when in Sodom, vote Pelosi. … There were a few requirements I had to meet. Before they’d even consider me, I had to get rid of my Reagan tattoo, so I just worked him into another design [on screen: tattoo of fire breathing Reagan dragon]. In addition, South Carolina Democrats require their candidates be generally acknowledged or recognized in news media throughout the United States as viable candidates. How’s this for generally acknowledged? [on screen: a newspaper headline]. ‘Stephen Colbert Moves Ahead Of Richardson, Closes In On Biden, In National Poll.’ Plus, ABC News says my campaign is ‘no joke.’ I ask you, is anybody saying that about Richardson and Biden? Not after that poll. … But there was one catch. Democrats require that a candidate be actively campaigning. No wonder Fred Thompson’s running as a Republican. So last weekend, I went down to my home state to press the flesh [on screen: footage of Colbert campaigning in SC]. … This weekend made my candidacy a lock, so Carol Fowler from the executive council should be contacting me any moment with their decision. … [on screen: Fowler calling in and saying Colbert will not be put on the ballot]. Thanks, Carol. Listen, this is on a cell phone and you’re not a part of my five, so I should probably go. Thanks so much and give my best to everybody in South Carolina. Say hello to the other members of the Democratic council and tell the candidates I’ll see them in hell. Okay, bye bye. … They’re not putting me on the ballot. … They did what they think is best for South Carolina, and you know, just making it this far is reason to celebrate too. Jimmy, go ahead and drop the balloons. … It’s all for the best. I’m so busy with my book tour and my show and hanging out with all those friends I have. Plus, I have time to eat all these free delicious Dorritos” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 11/1).
Conan O’Brien: “Political experts are criticizing Senator Hillary Clinton’s performance during the debate this week, calling it her worst performance of the year. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘That’s what you think'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 11/1).
Jay Leno: “Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney. … There was another big Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. There were seven candidates on the stage debating. Seven, which sadly for Joe Biden is the biggest crowd he’s ever drawn. … Boy, the other candidates really went after Hillary Clinton. Did you see it? The only Democrat who didn’t jump on Hillary was her husband Bill. … With the help of the American Civil Liberties Union, restroom enthusiast Idaho Senator Larry Craig will argue before an appeals court that his foot tapping … was protected speech. He’s calling himself ‘Lord of the Toilet Dance.’ … I’m all for free speech, except in the men’s room. In the men’s room, I believe in no speech. … It looks like oil may soon hit a $100 a barrel. And today, President Bush said, ‘Well how much without the barrel?’ … The president of Indonesia has released his first music album. … It’s called ‘My Longing For You.’ He actually wrote the songs and performed them. And now, President Bush also putting out his album. It’s called ‘I Sing Gooder Than Him.’ … Forbes Magazine just released their list of the top earning dead celebrities. … Elvis is number one. Number two dead celebrity, John Lennon. Number three, surprisingly, Larry King” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/31).
David Letterman: “Happy Halloween! I hope everyone is enjoying a lovely Halloween. … I don’t know if I care about Halloween anymore. It’s the same every year. My house boy hands out the treats while I hide in my panic room. … Last year, I ran out of candy and had to give them my mom’s nicotine gum” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/31).
Jon Stewart: “Tonight’s focus: the race for the Democratic nomination for presidency. Or rather, what the press decided last week was the end of the race for the Democratic nomination [on screen: news reports that Hillary Clinton has the Dem nod locked up]. Unstoppable! Unbeatable! Hang on to your health care and start measuring the inaugural pant suit. It’s over! I guess that’s it. I wonder if they called off last night’s debate. With the race being over and everything, why would anyone watch? [on screen: news reports wondering if Obama will attack HRC]. But wait, you just told me it was over. Now it’s apparently the fight of the century. Wow, what a manufactured showdown. I wonder if tonight’s first question will reflect this well-crafted narrative [on screen: NBC’s Brian Williams asking Obama what are the issues where he and HRC differ]. My God, they were right. It is a showdown and Barack Obama is in it. He fought like an alligator, he murdered a brick, he’s the man who makes medicine sick, Barack! … [on screen: Joe Biden, Chris Dodd and NBC’s Tim Russert attacking HRC]. And that’s the night in a nutshell. Everybody who is not Barack Obama taking turns berating one woman. It was like the most boring Neil LaBute play ever. … Other than that, it was a fairly substantive debate. I think we’re just about ready to wrap-up … oh, one more thing [on screen: Dennis Kucinich saying he saw a UFO]. Sanjaya, why are you still in this competition?” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/31).
Stephen Colbert: “America is in the middle of a presidential election, so, of course, other little countries are holding elections too. It’s adorable. Tonight we take a special look at these contests in my international election watch ‘Democra-SEE Democra-DO.’ … First up, Argentina, where Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, wife of current President Nestor de Kirchner, won Sunday’s presidential election to become Argentina’s first female president. … Nation, de Kirchner’s election does not bode well for America. She’s a senator and the politically savvy wife of an ex president. Sound terrifyingly familiar? [on screen: Hillary Clinton]. I’ve said it before, if it happens in Argentina, it could easily happen here. Just look at gaucho pants. If only they weren’t so flattering [on screen: Colbert in gaucho pants]. … As you all know, I recently declared my candidacy for president of South Carolina. … In all the applications I’ve filed for this thing, one element has been missing, and it’s tonight’s ‘Word.’ Job Description. There are, I believe, 63 other candidates running for president. We’ve heard a lot about their positions on immigration [on screen: Tom Tancredo], health care [on screen: HRC], who can say 9/11 five times fast with crackers in his mouth [on screen: Rudy Giuliani], but there is one thing we haven’t learned — exactly what job are they all applying for? [on screen: Hillary’s V.P.]. Let’s face it, just saying ‘I want to be president’ is pretty cagey these days [on screen: Fred Thompson Still Hasn’t Said It]. … And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/31).
Conan O’Brien: “Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘I wish.’ … It’s Halloween, so this morning on the ‘Today Show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Herman Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that, over at CNN, Larry King went on his show without makeup” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/31).
Jimmy Kimmel: “There was another presidential debate last night. The Democrats got together in Philadelphia. It may be time to start voting some of these guys off already. One candidate, who I think we can assume won’t get the nomination, is Congressman Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich yesterday told the Philadelphia Inquirer that we should seriously start asking questions about President Bush’s mental health. As if we haven’t been doing that here every night. … Barack Obama is trying his best to catch up to Hillary in the polls. Going into last night’s debate, he promised to go after her more directly than he has in the past. All the candidates, in fact, are ganging up on Hillary. They attacked her on her foreign policy, her trustworthiness, her leadership ability, her electability. I thought this was out of bounds. John Edwards called her a nappy-headed ho” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 10/31).
Jay Leno: “We hear FEMA members are all getting dressed up as reporters this year. … You know about this latest FEMA controversy, this is just unbelievable. In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phoney press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it’s all reporters and no FEMA members. … Dick Cheney went hunting this week. Part of his entourage he has an ambulance. This is true, he has an ambulance with him wherever he goes. This is very clever. See what he does is, he uses the ambulance to flush lawyers out into the open and then. … Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a little trouble this week, little trouble for saying marijuana is not a drug, it is a leaf, it is a plant. He said marijuana is not a drug and today his approval rating in California, 99.99%” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/30).
David Letterman: “Anybody here for the marathon this Sunday in New York City, the annual marathon. What a tremendous event, like 40,000 runners. And you know they have to have about 400 portable toilets along the route of the marathon. You know what portable toilets are, as Larry Craig told us, they’re singles bars. … How about Gerald Ford? Do you remember when Gerald Ford was president? And apparently after he was out of office, he was retired quite a long time before the man passed away, and he did a series of interviews with reporters and he said I’m going to tell you a lot of things now but don’t print them, don’t publish this until I’m gone. And now there’s a new book with that title, ‘Gerald Ford: Write it When I’m Gone,’ and the insights and revelations are amazing, take a look. [Clip of announcer saying: “On September 8, 1974 I ended our long national nightmare by pardoning Richard Nixon. It was a difficult decision, but Nixon made it easier by offering $500 in cash and one night with Pat. This has been Gerald Ford, Write it when I’m gone.”] Don’t kid yourself, I hear Pat was a bobcat” (“Late Night,” CBS, 10/30).
Jon Stewart: “Do you ever feel like we have too many debates? Another one just ended like four minutes ago on MSNBC. I’m told Mike Gravel ripped his own arms off and it still wasn’t very interesting. But it’s wives’ turn. Last week, Cindy McCain, Michelle Obama, Jeri Thompson, Elizabeth Edwards, and Ann Romney got together to film a ‘View’ rip-off pilot. Will the networks stop at nothing to combat the writers’ strike? … [clip of Thompson from the event: ‘They wanted me to come on the campaign bus, and they said there wasn’t any room for the changing table. And that’s where I drew the, that was the first line, I’m not going unless you figure out how to get a changing table.’] And that’s how the world first learned that Fred Thompson wears a diaper. … So no disasters, not much learned — kind of like a regular debate” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/30).
Stephen Colbert: “I saw something really huge today in the news, it’s in the Daily News. Apparently Barack Obama has turned down Brad Pitt’s offer to help his campaign. Um, Brad I know this must hurt. Let me be your rebound. I think me and you, or just me and your abs would make a great ticket. Colbert/Brad Pitt’s Abs. We wouldn’t even need a platform, we could use your abs. All I’m saying is think about it, and adopt me. … Folks, when I decided to run for president I did not do it for attention. I did it to fulfill a dream of being the most popular man in the world. But the media can’t keep their sticky hands out of my populous pie. Look at these headlines: ABC NEWS, ‘Colbert Campaign May Run Afoul of Law;’ Politico, ‘Colbert ‘run’ risks breaking law;’ Outside the Beltway, ‘Colbert Run May Violate Federal Election Law.’ For the record, I would never knowingly violate any federal election laws. Luckily, I don’t know any federal election laws” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/30).
Jay Leno: “FEMA is handling another disaster — its own Public Relations department. … This is unbelievable to me! FEMA has apologized for staging a fake news conference on the California wildfires. … They had a fake news conference in which FEMA employees pretended to be reporters and asked softball questions to their idiot boss, a guy named Harvey Johnson. It was obvious the reporters were FEMA workers because the questions were about the 2003 fire. … Are you all getting ready for Halloween? I’m stunned at how much parents out here spend on costumes for their kids. You know, you don’t need to spend a lot money. If you use your imagination, you can make a costume very inexpensively. Like this year, I’m just going to drop my pants and go as Idaho Senator Larry Craig. … Former Yankee Alex Rodriguez is now a free agent. Some teams say they are willing to spend as much as $150 million to get him. $150 million! That’s pretty amazing when you see the White House is only offering $50 million for Osama bin Laden. … Senator Brownback has dropped out of the presidential race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family. Apparently, they’re not really sure who he is either. … Vice President Dick Cheney went out hunting again today. God, I didn’t even know it was lawyer season. … No, actually Dick Cheney said he was in Upstate New York to hunt peasants. Uhh, pheasants. I’m sorry. … New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced that New York will give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. So, for the first time ever, a lot of New York City cab drivers will actually have a license. … The Democrats in Congress have announced they will now be taking Fridays off. Apparently, they were getting worried their approval rating was too high. … The president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, and his wife have gotten a divorce. Apparently, there were rumors of infidelity and lack of trust. To which Bill and Hillary said, ‘Well, that’s no reason to get divorced'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/29).
David Letterman: “Here’s a true story. A buddy of mine from Washington called me. Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy, he’s so confused that he went to the top drawer of his dresser. … How ’bout this? Alex Rodriguez is not returning to the New York Yankees. The announcement was made at a fake FEMA press conference. FEMA faked a press conference and earlier today, President Bush strongly condemned it at his own fake press conference. … We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he’s at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting … in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender. … You know, we’ve made a lot of jokes about Dick Cheney and hunting and shooting his buddies in the face … but he really is a great sportsman. I mean, before he shoots the pheasant, he makes it dig its own grave” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/29).
Jon Stewart: “Much to our regret on our week off, our nation’s most distinguished leaders blew no one in a men’s room. So, it makes writing this show awfully hard. We call a week when no American leader goes into a men’s room to get blown a ‘slow news week.’ … Although, while we were off, we did miss a little thing called ugh … Armageddon. As you know, Southern California suffered an unholy convergence of wildfires, displacing hundreds of thousands and destroying homes from Malibu to Mexico. A horrific tragedy, but as you know, for news organizations, every tragedy is an opportunity to tie that tragedy to your particular world view [on screen: CNN’s Anderson Cooper saying the fires occurred in part because of global warming and then noting, ‘Planet in Peril starts in just 30 minutes’]. Oh my God, CNN’s using the wildfire as a promo! Next up, Malibu’s aflame and Halle Berry will be on to talk about ‘Things We Lost In The Fire.’ … But why did the fire take a couple of days to stop? [on screen: The CA AG saying the CA Nat’l Guard is heavily stressed because of the war in Iraq]. Ahh! So if there was no war in Iraq, the National Guard could have been home and finished knitting California’s flame retardant pajamas? … So, global warming and the war in Iraq caused the fires, but that axis of evil only has two members. Surely, there must be a third member. Fox? [on screen: A Fox News report that the next wave of al Qaeda terrorism could be in the form of setting wildfires]. Or, perhaps al Qaeda’s plotting to infiltrate a cable news channel and staff it with morons. … But the main thing about the wildfires? They were a lens on what was learned from a certain earlier gigantic disaster. Not naming names, but seven letters, very wet, rhymes with Farina [on screen: comparisons of the CA wildfires and Hurricane Katrina]. It’s a perfect analogy, except that one tragedy encompassed 780 square miles and Katrina was 90,000 square miles; and 1,800 homes were lost in the fire and 200,000 in Katrina. So, it’s really apples to … I’m going to go with dragons. … But the most important lesson learned was learned by the area’s giant stadium, where the … Superdome had all kinds of trouble, San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium had only one [on screen: a volunteer having too much food for CA wildfire victims]. Clearly, the lesson for successful disaster relief — don’t invite the poor people” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/29).
Stephen Colbert: “I still have a lot to learn from seasoned campaigners like John McCain. Last week, McCain made this masterful campaign promise to the good people at Smith and Wesson in New Hampshire: ‘I will follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell and I will shoot him with your products.’ … Folks, you just heard a campaign legend. John McCain pulled off a triple-cross-promotional-pander 720. He has simultaneously hyped himself, the war on terror and the product made by the people he was talking to. The only time that move’s ever even been attempted before was in 1984 when Ronald Reagan vowed to brain Brezhnev with a Rubik’s Cube. It’s a bold new marketing trend called ‘Branded Killings.’ I mean, who wouldn’t want their product associated with offing bin Laden? I know that Little Debbie would love to have that kind of product placement [on screen: Little Debbie stabbing bin Laden]. … I respect John McCain, but I will not be outdone. … Isotoner gloves, I will strangle bin Laden stylishly using your product. HeadOn, I will apply your product directly through his forehead. And Cinnabon, I will give him a Cinnabon. Your move, McCain!” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/29).
Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, Argentina’s first lady was elected as the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new ‘first spouse.’ Or, as President Bill Clinton calls him, ‘My future wingman.’ … Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, ‘It’s alright. He’s one of us.’ … Yesterday on ’60 Minutes,’ French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of an interview. He just got up and stormed out. The citizens of France say their president acted rudely, and they’ve never been prouder. … In a new GQ interview that just came out, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said, ‘Marijuana is not a drug.’ When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, ‘If it’s not a drug then I’ve been wasting a lot of time'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/29).
Bill Maher: “I don’t have to tell you people, but there was a little fire out here this week. 1,800 people lost their homes. 1,800 homes were lost in this fire, which makes these fires almost as destructive as the mortgage industry. … This was a very upscale fire. People in Orange County, this is the first time they handled their own fire hoses. I mean, garden hoses. … Did you see the people in Malibu? It was heartbreaking seeing those pictures of celebrities on their rooftops with signs that said ‘Send cocaine.’ … President Bush luckily came here, and he declared California a national disaster area. I think I can speak for all Californians when I say to him, ‘Right back at you.’ … The president was his usual self — he comforted the families and he assured them he’s doing everything in his power to make sure that their kids don’t get health care. … They say the fires have forged a new bond between the president and Governor Schwarzenegger. They didn’t like each other for a long time, and really why would they get along? One is a blockhead who can barely speak English, and the other is Arnold Schwarzenegger. … Hillary Clinton — 60 years old yesterday. … She’s not getting older, she’s getting more electable. … But she had a lovely birthday. Like everybody’s birthday, it brought in a million and a half dollars. (“Real Time,” HBO, 10/26).
Jimmy Kimmel: “The big story this week, of course, are these terrible wildfires here in Southern California. … This has been the biggest evacuation in California history, breaking the record set in 2003 by the airlift of 700,000 children fleeing Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch. … President Bush arrived in San Diego this morning, where he met with Governor Schwarzenegger. Our fate is in the hands of the only two American politicians who don’t speak English. … Once again, the president committed another faux pas. He showed up with two dozen Hershey bars and a big bag of marshmallows” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 10/25).
Bill Maher: “The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, ‘What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?’ … I kid the president. He met the Dalai Lama this week. I’m not sure that he really understands what being a Lama means, because all of his questions were about what it’s like to live in Michael Jackson’s zoo. … How many arch conservatives are here tonight? Sam Brownback has quit the race for president. His supporter is devastated. … Brownback said he couldn’t raise enough money, he couldn’t get enough support, and he got tired of carrying around that fetus in a jar. … He said he knew he made the right decision to get out of the race when he sat down to tell his wife and she said, ‘You’re running for president?’ … Two of the defendants in the Jena 6 case … were guests last night at the BET Hip Hop awards. Wow, that’s pretty good for teenage kids, right? They said if they had known they’d be getting this much attention, they would have beat the crap out of a white kid a long time ago. Politically incorrect? … Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time … but not one drop of shampoo” (“Real Time,” HBO, 10/19).
Jay Leno: “Oil’s at a record $90 a barrel today. Gas is so expensive that Joe Torre was seen carpooling with George Steinbrenner. … More bad news today for Barack Obama. He just found out he’s related to Bill O’Reilly too. The guy can’t get a break! … Screeners at the L.A. International Airport missed 75% of the fake bombs that were sent though the line. However, they did confiscate 100% of people’s water bottles” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/19).
David Letterman: “Congratulations to Al Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I thought this was sad: Al had the Nobel Peace Prize for less than a week and O.J. broke in and stole it. … He’s won an Academy award, he’s won an Emmy award, and now he’s won a Nobel prize. Honestly, I think it’s going to his head. Listen to what happened over the weekend: Al Gore was in a bar screaming, ‘Who wants a Nobel prize piece of ass?'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/19).
Conan O’Brien: “Candidates out there campaigning very hard. Everyone’s trying a different angle right now to get the lead. Presidential candidate John McCain has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him on his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs. … The FDA has issued a warning about the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra, saying it causes hearing loss. On the bright side, the FDA has discovered a hearing aid that causes erections. Problem solved” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/19).
Jay Leno: “What a terrific audience we have. We have 500 people here tonight. We have straight people, we have gay people, we have white people, we have black people. It’s like a Dick Cheney family reunion. … Dick Cheney and Barack Obama … are eighth cousins. Isn’t that amazing? Even more amazing, Dick Cheney, Darth Vader — second cousins. … President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One kind of awkward moment. … When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office, he was wearing the traditional robe, and, of course, Bush started chanting, ‘Toga, Toga!’ … He was given the Medal of Freedom. As you know, the Dalai Lama does not engage in sex, drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Which raises the question, what was Congress honoring him for? This goes against everything Congress represents. … The Dalai Lama told President Bush that he had seen evil firsthand. President Bush said, ‘Great, you got to meet Vice President Cheney.’ … China was not happy with the U.S. honoring the Dalai Lama. They were very upset about it. In fact, China’s so angry, they are threatening to quit pirating our movies and DVDs for an entire week. … Republican Senator Sam Brownback’s campaign announced he will drop out of the presidential race tomorrow. … Now the hard part, of course, is breaking the news to his supporter. … I mean, the writing was on the wall. You knew it was going to happen. Like at the last presidential debate, the only question he got was, ‘I’m sorry. What’s your name again?’ … A very special edition of ‘Dateline’ the other night. Matt Lauer interviewed Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Actually, the senator was a little confused. He thought it was ‘Win A Date with Matt Lauer.’ The senator showed up with flowers, condoms, a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. He was there to party. … If you didn’t see the interview, it will rerun on Bravo on ‘Queer Eye For Pretending To Be The Straight Guy.’ … There was one kind of awkward moment during the interview. During a commercial break, I guess Matt Lauer asked the senator where the bathroom was, and the senator said, ‘Any place you want it to be.’ … According to a new report, security screeners at our nation’s airports — this is scary — failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents 60% of the time. … President Bush said today, ‘Well, who cares about fake bombs?’ … Some sad news. France’s new president, Nicolas Sarkozy — he and his wife have separated. The rumor is that he stayed in the marriage for political gain and had planned to get a divorce right after being elected president. To which Hillary Clinton said, ‘So?’ … Remember 20 years ago, ‘Baby Jessica’? She was the little baby who was rescued after falling in a well. Huge story. She’s almost 21 now and will soon be getting a million dollars from the funds set up with donations when she fell down the well. She’s getting a million dollars. In a related story, earlier today, Senator John McCain threw himself down a well” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/18).
David Letterman: “It turns out that Barack Obama and Vice President Dick Cheney are cousins. Honest to God, imagine how terrible it would be to find out that you’re related to a cranky old guy. I mean, just ask my son. … Lynne Cheney, Dick Cheney’s wife, is getting all wound up. She says that she would be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton running the country. Lynne is uncomfortable with Hillary. Bill said, ‘Join the club.’ … There’s a woman who’s got an apartment here in New York, in Brooklyn. She goes to the bathroom and there is a 7-foot python in the toilet. It’s just coiled up. … A giant killer snake in the toilet. I was thinking, usually when you find something coiling around your leg in a restroom, it’s Senator Larry Craig” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/18).
Jon Stewart: “With tensions multiplying worldwide, the upmost delicacy is called for in today’s dangerous world. The weary leader must observe the smallest cultural nuances, choose words with expert care, or you could just go with passive aggression [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, ‘We’ve got a leader in Iran who has announced that he wants to destroy Israel. If you’re interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing them from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon’]. ‘I guess what I’m saying is this, you either agree with my position, or you’re looking to have a thermonuclear reaction bake your shadow instantly into the sidewalk. But hey, that’s your opinion and ain’t it great we invaded Iraq for your right to have it?’ Speaking of invading Iraq, for those who say that the world no longer follows in America’s footsteps, I’ve got some exciting breaking news [on screen: reports that ‘Turkey’s parliament has now given the formal go ahead for Turkish troops to cross the border into Iraq’]. They’re invading Iraq. We’ve still got it!” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/18).
Stephen Colbert: “I’m no alarmist, which is why you can believe me when I say there is a war on Halloween. And folks, who’s waging this war? Nature. Because of both droughts and floods, we face a looming pumpkin shortage. … West Virginia had to import pumpkins for the West Virginia Pumpkin Festival, Ohio Circleville Pumpkin Show may not have a single record-breaking pumpkin, and Tim Russert has hired round-the-clock guards to keep his head from being stolen for a Halloween party centerpiece. … It is clearly time for sacrifice. One pumpkin to a family and let’s relax our standards. Take a look at these so-called rotten pumpkins. This one could easily be carved to look like Alan Colmes [on screen: FNC’s Alan Colmes and a rotten pumpkin]” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/18).
Conan O’Brien: “During a speech at the Capitol yesterday, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartner’s. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘No one likes a show-off.’ … This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a web site because the web site targets homosexual men. The ad said, ‘Uncle Sam Wants You … Bad.’ … Earlier this week, Vice President Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney is actually a distant cousin of Barack Obama. At first Obama was skeptical, then he remembered that his great-great-grandmother once had a demon out of wedlock. … Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich caused some trouble this week, because he was campaigning in Red Sox territory while wearing a Cleveland Indians hat. Apparently, somebody walked up to Kucinich’s wife and said, ‘Tell your son to take off that baseball hat'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/18).
Jay Leno: “Senator Barack Obama is on the show tonight. I just found out today I am his third cousin twice removed. … Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. … Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney’s connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting, you know who introduced them in 1650? Bob Dole. … Isn’t that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party. … If you’d like to find out if you’re related to Dick Cheney, there’s a very simple test. Here’s what you do: You go out to a shooting range and if you can’t tell the difference between a lawyer and a quail, you could be related. … President Bush met with the Dalai Lama yesterday. It was a good meeting. The Dalai Lama taught President Bush how to meditate, and President Bush taught the Dalai Lama how to just nod off at meetings. … Hillary Clinton was on ‘The View’ the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. A lot of people might not know this, but Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft. … Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he’s going to try to follow Ronald Reagan’s 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let’s hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment. … Tough choices on TV last night. I couldn’t decide whether to watch ‘Dancing With The Stars’ or toe-tapping with Senator Larry Craig. … Matt Lauer had his big interview with Senator Craig last night. At first, they had a lot of sound problems. You always get those echoes from the bathroom. … A baker in Austria is in trouble for making his employees pay for the time they spend in the bathroom. This guy will record their bathroom breaks and then deduct the money from their pay. Can you imagine that? That’s got to be Senator Craig’s worst nightmare. … At the end of this month, the city of Vienna, Austria, will be holding a divorce fair where people can get information on how to get a divorce. I believe the keynote speaker will be Rudy Giuliani, followed by a concert by Paul McCartney” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/17).
David Letterman: “Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It’s strange, isn’t it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself. … Obama and Cheney are actually cousins, but Barack did not inherit the family sneer. … Condoleezza Rice, bless her heart, is trying to work out a peace agreement between the Palestinians and the Israelis. That’s about as doable as she is” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/17).
Jon Stewart: “So far this week, on our program, we’ve discussed the Nobel Peace Prize, we’ve talked politics with a former White House press secretary, we’ve launched a presidential campaign. … I’ve also interviewed perhaps the greatest actress of our generation, and yet, the audience is unsatisfied. … I feel your yearning. You still have questions. What are the questions? I think I know the question [on screen: NBC’s Matt Lauer asking Sen. Larry Craig, ‘Is it possible you’re bisexual?’]. … That was Senator Larry Craig joining the ‘Today Show”s Matt Lauer in what had to be this ongoing story’s second most awkward sit-down. … Although Senator Craig’s conversation with Matt Lauer was totally cute, it turned out to be kind of bitchy [on screen: Lauer listing past rumors about Craig being gay]. Uhh, there was Fleet Week 1985, your still active profile on mandate.com, and what appears to be your loafer slowly traveling up my calf. … But Craig did have a very reasonable explanation as to why this hardcore conservative, right wing, anti-gay Republican might be reaching underneath the bathroom stall of an undercover police officer [on screen: Craig explaining he reached underneath the bathroom stall because he didn’t want to have toilet paper stuck to his shoe]. That would be embarrassing and you sure wouldn’t want to put your family through that indignity” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/17).
Stephen Colbert: “Last night, I officially announced my candidacy for the presidency of the United States — a bombshell certain to make the front page of all the papers. … Where is my presidential announcement? Look, I’m running as a favorite son from South Carolina. No one else in this campaign … wait a second, what was that? [on screen: Colbert flipping through the newspaper]. Oh my God! ‘Edwards Plays His Roots Card In Bid To Win South Carolina’? What the f—, y’all! … Ridgeland, South Carolina: At a dinner recently held by county Democrats, John Edwards was introduced by the emcee as the ‘native son of South Carolina.’ Listen here, John … who cares if you’re the native son, I’m the favorite son. And if I’m not mistaken, sir, aren’t you the same guy who not two weeks ago accused Barack Obama for stealing parts of your platform on the issues of health care, poverty and nuclear proliferation? Well, reminding South Carolinians that I’m from their state is my entire platform. I’ve got nothing else, so back off!” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/17).
Conan O’Brien: “Today, President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, ‘Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.’ … Experts were worried about China’s reaction to President Bush’s meeting with the Dalai Lama, but Bush says he doesn’t think the meeting will damage our relationship with China. Then Bush said, ‘But this might,’ and took a huge bite out of a panda bear sandwich. … During an interview, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney and Barack Obama are actually distant cousins. When Dick Cheney found out, he said, ‘I knew there was something creepy about that guy.’ …. Senator Larry Craig was interviewed by Matt Lauer this week, and Craig said that he’s a victim of gladiator politics. Then Craig said, ‘And trust me, no one’s watched more gladiator movies than I have” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/17).
Jimmy Kimmel: “The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning, he was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal for his contributions to peace, nonviolence, human rights and religious understanding. Unfortunately, just a few short hours after the ceremony, the Lama was stripped of his medal after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. … Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. You know, the last Dalai the president greeted was Parton. … Believe it or not, they actually have a lot in common. One of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to completely empty your mind. The president did that years ago. … Lynne Cheney, who’s the wife of Vice President Dick Cheney, just wrote a book. … Apparently, while she was researching the book, she discovered something very interesting about her husband’s past [on screen: L. Cheney saying that D. Cheney and Barack Obama are eighth cousins]. Now that you mention it, I do see the resemblance. … Cheney and Obama are cousins, like Fonzie and Chachi. Can eighth cousins date, by the way?” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 10/17).
Jay Leno: “Earlier tonight on NBC, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was on Matt Lauer. Until Matt was able to push him off. … The interview was conducted in Senator Craig’s home in Idaho. Beautiful home. Four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms. … One embarrassing moment. I guess half way through the interview, Larry Craig’s wife came into the room, saw Matt Lauer sitting there, and said, ‘Is this another one of your boy toys?’ … This past weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame. See, I don’t know how these things work. Is he a pitcher or a catcher? … President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today at the White House. Another awkward moment. When the Dalai Lama showed up, Bush said, ‘So, where’s the lama?’ … China is outraged at the United States for honoring the Dalai Lama at the White House. They’re pretty mad. I hope they don’t try to get back at us, you know, like maybe putting lead in our toys or anti-freezing our toothpaste. … A globe of the world once owned by Adolph Hitler is going to be auctioned off. … So, Hitler’s globe if you’re thinking about getting a Christmas gift for Ann Coulter. … Presidential candidate Barack Obama … went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door — not looking for votes, trying to find her husband. … Rudy Giuliani and John McCain have teamed up to attack Mitt Romney. See, you need two people to attack Romney — one for each of his positions on the issue. … Political experts are saying that Giuliani and McCain could be the Republican ticket. Or, a remake of ‘Grumpy Old Men'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/16).
David Letterman: “Are you all excited about the upcoming election? … Hillary Clinton, so far for her campaign, has raised $35 million. Woah! Here’s how they break that down: $5 million for advertising, $30 million for pantsuits. … She raised $35 million in three months. That’s the most money ever raised by a woman, if you don’t count what Oprah’s made since lunch. … Yesterday, by the way, Hillary Clinton was a guest on ‘The View.’ … Just when you thought that panel couldn’t get any hotter. … Today, the Dalai Lama visited the White House. He rang the door bell and Bush answered and said, ‘Oh, let me get some candy.’ … Bush spotted a bald guy in a robe and thought it was Cheney. … China, though, is upset with Bush because he met with the Dalai Lama. I just hope they don’t start putting lead paint in our toys. … Richard Simmons is on the program tonight. … It will be good to see Richard again. You know he’s the only man who’s embraced more overweight women than Bill Clinton” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/16).
Jon Stewart: “With Hillary Clinton’s Democratic primary lead growing, Clinton appears to be moving into general election mode, yesterday attending a broad-based TV focus group [on screen: the cast of ‘The View’]. All the major demographics were there. African Americans [on screen: Whoopi Goldberg]. Tightly wound Americans [on screen: Elisabeth Hasselbeck]. Soccer grandmas [on screen: Barbara Walters]. Not Star Jones [on screen: Sherri Shepherd]. Not Joan Rivers [on screen: Joy Behar]. There was so much to talk about [on screen: When asked how she runs differently from the men, HRC says, ‘Look how much longer it takes me to get ready’]. Really? You take the longest? You think it’s easy to get this [on screen: Fred Thompson] from this [on screen: Frankenberry]? No, it takes a long time!” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/16).
Stephen Colbert: “Fred Thompson is missing. The press can’t find him anywhere — not even in the couch cushions. Thompson was supposed to be campaigning in New Hampshire, but according to the Associated Press, he’s been to New Hampshire just once, and that was for a two-day trip that included visits to a chili cook-off, three bars and a rally. Of course, the rally was in support for his entry into the chili cook-off. Then, this past weekend, the senator cancelled a New Hampshire fundraising breakfast. Not like Thompson at all. Delay breakfast ’till 3 p.m.? Sure. But cancel? Not while there’s still such a thing as ‘Moons Over My Hammy’ [on screen: the Denny’s dish]” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/16).
Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, President Bush met at the White House with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘Who’s the bald chick in the dress?’ … Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he’s won a Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he’s not even thinking about the presidency ’cause he’s totally focused on winning the Heisman. … Today at JFK airport, the FBI arrested ten baggage handlers who apparently took part in a cocaine smuggling ring. The FBI became suspicious when they noticed the handlers were losing the luggage twice as fast. … Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling was reading to a group of school children when her dress came loose and exposed most of her bra. As a result, the boys in the audience say they now truly believe in magic” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/16).
TOP TEN QUESTIONS PRESIDENT BUSH ASKED THE DALAI LAMA
10. What is that, some kind of Halloween get up?
9. Is there a peaceful way for me to bomb Iran back to the stone age?
8. I got one for you — why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
7. Where’s Mrs. Lama?
6. Are you that Japanese guy my dad threw up on?
5. Is it true yoga is the new oil?
4. What the hell is happening on “Lost”?
3. How’s business in Dollywood?
2. Have you ever met Dr. Phil?
1. I know your cousin Barack O’Lama (CBS, 10/16).
Jay Leno: “Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. … Not to be outdone, today the oil company named President Bush ‘Man of The Year.’ … They’re saying that now Al Gore has won the Nobel prize, Al Gore has a huge international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad. Today, he stepped on the platform and it collapsed. … America’s favorite professional restroom enthusiast, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, has agreed to be interviewed by ‘Today Show”s Matt Lauer tomorrow night on NBC. Craig said he wanted to make this his first interview because he feels NBC — and we’re very flattered — is a well respected news organization that deals fairly with their subjects. He also finds Matt Lauer dreamy. … At Senator Craig’s request, all questions will be scribbled on a piece of toilet paper and discreetly passed to him. … Over the weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Stall of Fame. … Did I say stall? I meant to say Hall of Fame. This guy got into the Idaho Hall of Fame. So who are the people who lost to Craig? … Barack Obama … is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary Clinton said that in some narrow cases, torture could be acceptable. Like, for example, when you’re husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/15).
David Letterman: “Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. … This should make up for not getting ‘The Price Is Right’ job. … Al Gore has won an Academy award. He’s won an Emmy award. And now, he’s won the Nobel prize. But what he really wants is the Latin Grammy. … He won the Nobel prize for his work on global warming. Here’s what he gets for the Nobel prize: one and a half million dollars and a brand new Hummer” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/15).
Jon Stewart: “Al Gore, environmentalist, former Veep, and the man who kept Ralph Nader from the presidency, is now a Nobel laureate. … Clearly, a proud day for the former vice president. No matter what your political ideology, you have to acknowledge the spirit for which he earned the award [on screen: FNC’s Steve Doocy asking, ‘What do Al Gore, Yasir Arafat and that crazy Jimmy Carter have in common?’]. They have banged Mitzi Gaynor when it meant something? No?! … Oh, the peace prize. That’s crazy, right? [on screen: conservative commentators on FNC saying Gore is overstating the consequences of global warming and is therefore, hysterical]. Yes, the person overreacting is Al Gore. … I mean, if he’s so into peace, why isn’t he poor and miserable? [on screen: FNC’s Sean Hannity asking if there is a double standard when Gore is flying in private jets]. Okay, no, because Al Gore’s jet is a 100% solar power. Sorry … it’s not. Okay, you got him there. One for the Fox News host, but did Sean Hannity quit talking about the Nobel while he was ahead? Is the pope Hindu? [on screen: Hannity saying he would turn the award down because he doesn’t ‘want an award a terrorist has had’]. Hey Sean, what would you do with the terrorist tainted piece of s—? [on screen: Hannity saying, ‘I would give the award to the United States military’]. Why would you give a terrorist tainted piece of s— to the United States military? Sean Hannity hates the troops soooo much” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/15).
Stephen Colbert: “They awarded the peace prize to Al Gore. This is the latest in a series of awards Al Gore’s won and I haven’t — an Emmy, an Oscar, he even won his matchup on kittenwar.com. … Now, some people see Gore’s latest honor as a sign that he should run for president. I see it as tonight’s ‘Word.’ Enviro-medal disaster. Al Gore is rapidly depleting one of the earth’s most precious resources — awards [on screen: Melting Prize Caps]. The man is plowing through our prizescape like an unstoppable bulldozer of acclaim. Every day another precious, irreplaceable acre of trophies disappears into his gaping maw, never to be seen again [on screen: ‘Daddy, What Were The Latin Grammys?’]. … At his current rate of accolade consumption, there will be nothing left for our grandchildren to win [on screen: Except ‘Most Submerged’]. If we care about the future of our Golden Globe, we must slow down the Gore juggernaut, or Goreggernaut. The only way to do that is to stop thinking he’s so great. And that only way to do that is to stop thinking President Bush is so terrible [on screen: Stop Thinking?]. … Gore’s not the only one who deserves an award. Don’t our children deserve a few? And doesn’t our president deserve just one? [on screen: Nobel War Prize]. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/15).
Conan O’Brien: “In a recent interview, President Bush’s daughter, Jenna, said she believes there’s a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, ‘No sweetheart, that’s just your grandmother.’ … According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he’s now in ‘the toughest fight of his life.’ Then Craig added, ‘Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.’ … According to an article on the fashions and styles of the presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are the best dressed candidates. Not only that, Dennis Kucinich was voted most likely to shop in the children’s department. … The CEO of Taco Bell has just written a new book based on his experiences as the head of Taco Bell. Critics say the Taco Bell book makes great bathroom reading. … This morning, Senator Hillary Clinton appeared on ‘The View.’ There was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, ‘Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/15).
TOP TEN MESSAGES ON AL GORE’S ANSWERING MACHINE
10. Hi, Mandy from The Cheesecake Factory. You left your credit card.
9. George W. Bush here. Congratulations on your Latin Grammy.
8. It’s Larry from Toyota. This global warming paranoia is great for business.
7. Put on Letterman. Some idiot is going to jump over interns.
6. This is Hillary. If you run for president, I’ll snap your neck.
5. It’s Jets coach Eric Mangini. Can you play quarterback?
4. Ann Coulter here. Any way we can blame global warming on the Jews?
3. I’m calling from the EPA. Turns out there is no global warming; You’re just sweating because you’re getting fat.
2. This is Jimmy Carter. Want to use our medals to score some babes?
1. It’s Cheney. Watch your back, Jack (CBS, 10/15).
Seth Meyers: “On Tuesday, the Republican presidential candidates gathered in Michigan for a debate. The last time there were this many old white dudes in one place, Steve Guttenberg was trying to get them out of a swimming pool [on screen: the movie ‘Cocoon’]. … New York City this week was honored as one of nation’s most bike friendly cities, along with San Francisco, which was noted for being both bike friendly and bike curious. … Blind people are saying that gas-electric hybrid cars pose a serious threat to them because they are hard to hear, making it dangerous for the them to cross the street. Also making it dangerous for blind people to cross the street? Everything else” (“SNL,” NBC, 10/13).
Amy Poehler: “Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush. … Communist Cuba paid tribute on Monday to Ernesto Che Guevara, the populist revolutionary and guerrilla fighter, and not, as most college students believe, the founder of Urban Outfitters” (“SNL,” NBC, 10/13).
Bill Maher: “I think I know why you’re happy tonight … ’cause Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Or, as President Bush announced it, ‘Sweden is with the terrorists.’ No, the president did not say that. What he said was, ‘The Nobel Prize is just a theory. It needs more study.’ … You can tell Al Gore is still worrying about these kind of things. They told him today, ‘You received the most votes.’ He said, ‘Yeah, who won?’ … I have become such a fan of these Republican debates. There was another one this week. … Mitt Romney and Giuliani went at each other. It was like watching a mannequin fight a Halloween costume. … And Mitt Romney was asked if he would seek congressional approval to attack Iran. … He said he would check with his attorneys. Is that the right answer? I’m not sure. … And then Fred Thompson said he would check with his manager and his publicist. That’s the right answer. … This was Fred Thompson’s first debate. You know, the long-awaited savior for the Republicans, Fred Thompson, is finally in the debates. It was a good chance for the voters to finally put the name with the cadaver. … Hillary Clinton … said this week that she would negotiate with Iran. Barack Obama jumped on that. He said that’s a flip-flop because she criticized him for basically saying the same thing back in July. But she said that’s just her way of adopting something from Africa. … The people who are really getting tough with the Middle East is the House Foreign Relations Committee. Those motherf—— are not kidding around. They voted yesterday to condemn, as an act of genocide, the killings of Armenians in Turkey in 1915. See, this is exactly why the voters gave control to the Democrats. They send a stern message to the Ottoman Empire. … On the peaceful side of the equation, the Dalai Lama is coming to the United States next week. He’s going to get the Congressional Medal of honor, meet with President Bush. He is going to, of course, be wearing his famous flowing orange robes. Nothing religious about that, he just doesn’t want to get shot by Cheney. … Ramsey Usef, you know that name? He was the mastermind of the first World Trade Center attack back in ’93. He’s been rotting in prison — as he should — for many years. He said he’s now converted to Christianity. He has seen the light. He can’t wait to get out and bomb an abortion clinic” (“Real Time,” HBO, 10/12).
Jay Leno: “Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. … And he did it without a single vote from Florida. … A White House spokesman said President Bush is very happy Al Gore won. Not Dick Cheney. Oh, no. Dick Cheney said today now he wants to bomb Norway. … A lot of people are now wondering if Al Gore will run for president, which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of global warming vs. global cooling. … Congratulations to our own Matt Lauer of the ‘Today Show.’ Matt has secured the very first TV interview with Idaho Senator Larry Craig. I believe it will be conducted in the men’s room at Rockefeller Center. … Senator Craig said he’s looking forward to meeting with Matt and going toe to toe. … This week, President Bush said that Congress needs to give him more power to spy on Americans by making changes to the Protect America Act. Did you ever notice they always give these pieces of legislation names you can’t disagree with? The Protect America Act. … Give it a fair name. At least call it the Ignore The Constitution Act. … The Taco Bell restaurant chain is about to open in Mexico City. Today, the government in Mexico called it a hate crime” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/12).
David Letterman: “Big surprise in Stockholm with the Nobel prizes. … The Nobel prize in chemistry went to Jamba Juice. … It’s the Clinton’s 32nd wedding anniversary. … It’s kind of sweet. Even after 32 years, Bill planned a very romantic evening — candlelight dinner, dancing, and then home to Hillary” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/12).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. I guess he made some movie about the weather or something. He has had some year. He won an Emmy, an Oscar, and now the Nobel Prize. The only thing he didn’t win was president. It’s incredible. In three years, the guy went from Urkel to Fonzie” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 10/12).
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN A NOBEL PRIZE
10. You put all your money on the Mets.
9. Only thing you ever won was a rib eating contest.
8. You spent 3 years trying to prove the formula: macaroni + cheese = delicious!
7. The only “A” on your report card was when your teacher called you “A moron.”
6. You graduated from Harvard, but it’s the Harvard in Mexico.
5. When watching “Jeopardy!” you answer every questions with, “Who is Larry Hagman?”
4. Every time you see an airplane you scream, “Run for your lives – giant metal bird.”
3. Devoted your life to studying global cooling.
2. You’re known for invading Iraq without an exit strategy.
1. You’re on Letterman playing with a bunch of spring snakes (CBS, 10/12).
Jay Leno: “We’re learning more and more information about that Republican debate the other night. Apparently, the Republicans were really paranoid about security at the debate. Security was very, very high. To make sure there were no embarrassing incidents, I understand they had three security guards posted at every bathroom stall. … The big story is that Mitt Romney went after Rudolph Giuliani. … In fact, Romney criticized Giuliani so much, Rudy made him an honorary ex-wife. … Mitt Romney said the other night at the debates that he’s the one of all the candidates who is the most optimistic about the future. Well, there’s a shock — a rich, white guy with $200 million in the bank. What’s everyone worried about? … Hillary Clinton’s name was mentioned 12 times the other night. 12 times! Of course, Hillary was stunned. She’s not used to guys yelling out her name. … You know whose wedding anniversary it is today? The Clintons. Their 32nd wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary to them! Actually, Hillary’s been married 32 years, Bill’s been married for about three years. … Out on the campaign trail in Iowa, a van carrying Barack Obama’s wife was hit by a guy riding a motorcycle. … You know, we got to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. … Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback said today he will drop out of the race if he doesn’t finish at least fourth in the Iowa caucuses. Fourth? So, you got admire a guy who’s aiming that high. Fourth? If he doesn’t become president, he could always run NBC. We’re fourth. … There’s a big political rumor going around that if Al Gore wins the Nobel Prize this Friday, he will announce he’s running for president. Of course, this would be the ultimate dilemma for Bill Clinton. Does he support the man who was under him for eight years, or the woman who was under him just once? … Turkey has recalled their ambassador to the U.S. over a big political dispute. Again, President Bush doesn’t understand these issues. Like today, he said he was worried this dispute could linger over Thanksgiving and then … no turkey” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/11).
David Letterman: “The mayor of New York City … is planting a million trees in New York City. It’s all part of his plan to revitalize the city’s logging industry” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/11).
Jon Stewart: “The country of Mexico has just gotten its first Taco Bell. You’re welcome! Finally, Mexicans will have access to … Mexican food. Bon appetite? I can’t imagine how confused they’ll be when they get a taco. … I look forward to the American debut of Mexico’s popular Hoy Rogers here. They have an excellent bar de fixings. Although I imagine Taco Bell has to, at some point, tinker with their slogan for the Mexican restaurant. ‘Run for the Border’ … I don’t think is appropriate. What if that is actually the answer to our immigration problem? What if for years they’ve been coming here in the middle of the night, going through all these hardships just to get some of our delicious Mexican food? … On Wednesday, the House Foreign Affairs Committee considered a non-binding congressional resolution to consider calling the World War I era mass killing of ethnic Armenians in Turkey a genocide. Hmmm, resolution condemning genocide? I think you got to go yes with that one [on screen: Bush saying ‘this resolution is not the right response to these historic mass killings’]. What is the right response to historic mass killings? Historic mass flowers? A Hallmark card? … To be fair, Bush is but the latest in a long line of presidents to placate Turkey by downplaying the whole death of 1.5 million Armenians thing. But this is a particularly delicate time [on screen: Sec/State Condoleezza Rice saying the passage of the resolution would be very problematic for what the U.S. is trying to accomplish in the Middle East]. Excuse me, Secretary Rice. Jon Stewart, ‘Daily Show,’ ‘Picking On You Post.’ Uh, question: ‘What are we trying to do in the Middle East?’ … Defense Secretary Robert Gates made the moral argument that while tragic, the events of 1915 are shrouded in mystery. Oh, and there’s one other thing [on screen: Gates saying, ‘About 70% of all air cargo going into Iraq goes through Turkey’]. Democracy: When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/11).
Aasif Mandvi, on the Armenian resolution: “I think the message here is clear — if you help us with the war on terror, we’ll see what we can do about your past. … It’s not a bad deal, actually. When Spain joined the coalition, they were able to get their inquisition downgraded to a casual Q & A. Lord knows Britain has done enough to earn their Boston Misunderstanding … Obviously, not all countries on board. Germany — not in the coalition. That’s a shame. Could have turned the Holocaust into a Halfacaust. … I think [Turkey would really withdraw their support of the Iraq war based on a symbolic gesture by Congress]. Believe me, if Congress had known the bill they had drafted would have real world consequences, they’d never let it get this far. The last thing this Congress wants is to do anything that might impact policy, or people, or things” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/11).
Stephen Colbert: “The Republican presidential debate on Tuesday was a huge success. I thew my usual pre-debate tailgate party, complete with Stephen Colbert’s eight-candidate bean dip. Each candidate gets their own kind of bean. There was not a black bean among them. Now, Romney is a lima bean, McCain is a refried bean, and Huckabee is a huckabean. But be careful, nation. Like Rudy Giuliani always says, ‘Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more 9/11.’ Anyway, on Tuesday, these beans were jumping to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities without congressional approval [on screen: Romney saying he would consult with attys prior to bombing]. By the way, Romney’s law firm is Canwe, Bombem & Wenn. So, I think we know what would happen” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/11).
Conan O’Brien: “During a recent survey that just came out, 67% of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which is surprising ’cause the survey question was, ‘Are you happy with your homeowner’s insurance?’ … Scientists have discovered an organism that has managed to survive despite the fact that it hasn’t had sex in millions of years. Scientists discovered the organism at a Star Wars convention” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/11).
TOP TEN SIGNS THERE’S A GHOST IN THE WHITE HOUSE
10. White House staffers have sensed a cold presence that’s not Condoleezza.
9. Rattling chains and agonized screams make the place sound like Gitmo.
8. Someone’s been reading the intelligence memos.
7. Mysterious force keeps pulling Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne’s pants down.
6. Bush looks scared even when he’s not looking at poll numbers.
5. Halliburton has offered a $3 billion contract to the Ghost Whisperer.
4. Medical documentation proves Cheney’s been dead since ’96.
3. Actually, with Bush on vacation every two weeks, it’s like having a ghost in the White House — am I right,America?
2. Laura saw Saddam Hussein wearing underpants and eating Doritos.
1. Mysterious banging and moaning noises in Oval Office, but Bubba ain’t there (CBS, 10/11).
Jay Leno: “Yesterday was another Republican debate. … This was the first one Fred Thompson took part in. See, I think it’s good to throw another rich white guy in there. It mixes it up. … Thompson felt right at home. The ratings for the debate were so low, it’s like he never left NBC. … There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don’t think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, ‘I need more lines.’ … Fred Thompson is also being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he referred to Russia as the Soviet Union. But Thompson is brushing off the criticism. He says he’s now focusing all his attention on America’s role in the League of Nations. … According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters — kind of prickly voters — are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming — Hillary thawing. … Hillary Clinton announced this week that she has dropped her plan to give $5,000 to every baby born in America. … Apparently what happened was, they did a test where they gave $5,000 to 100 babies, and the kids immediately became Republicans. … Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement … which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. … The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license. … President Bush says that these rumors that he’s just getting ready to attack Iran are propaganda. He said he and Cheney were ready months ago. … Senator Larry Craig … has been selected for the Idaho Hall of Fame. Well, what a well thought out choice that was. … Actually, he’s not being inducted into the entire hall, just the men’s room” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/10).
David Letterman: “The mayor of New York City … is going to plant one million new trees in New York City. … Finally, a way to fill the potholes. … By the way, the trees were paid for by Leona Helmsley’s dog. … Anybody see the Republican debate last night? … It was late getting started. They had to go through the bags under Fred Thompson’s eyes. … Here’s what I don’t understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he’s not the Mormon candidate?” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/10).
Jon Stewart: “The big news yesterday was the CNBC Republican presidential debate on the economy, including the one candidate everyone’s been waiting for [on screen: news reports on Fred Thompson]. Can he? Will he? Does he? Are he? The world is watching former senator and actor Frederick Thompson. And … go [on screen: Thompson struggling for words]. Adding, ‘Line.’ … Turns out Fred Thompson, though skilled actor, ugh … not so hot at improv, despite his many years in the Uptight Citizens Brigade. … Thompson’s rivals tried to keep him from stealing the show [on screen: Mitt Romney saying the GOP WH ’08 race is like ‘Law & Order’ because ‘it has a huge cast, the series seems to go on forever, and Fred Thompson shows up at the end’]. And at the beginning, they found a hooker in a dumpster. … But the main story line of the debate turned out to be an actual argument between Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani about tax cuts. It got pretty ugly [on screen: Romney calling one of Giuliani’s assertions ‘bologna’]. Ohhh, sugar! Let’s keep this civil. We don’t want Romney going all ‘applesauce this’ and ‘fudgesticks that’ on your ass. Bologna? Who says bologna? … In recent months, we’ve been airing an ongoing segment highlighting our vice president’s idiosyncrasies … and we thought, ‘Hey, why don’t we continue that tradition this particular evening?’ Why wouldn’t we? [note: guest is Lynne Cheney]. So, please join me now for a new installment of ‘You Don’t Know … Richard Cheney.’ In previous episodes of ‘You Don’t Know … Richard Cheney,’ we learned that the vice president keeps a man-sized safe in his office, which, of course, he probably just uses to store puppy food for the local animal shelter. … We also discovered that Vice President Cheney opted to have his house removed from Google Earth … probably to hide the orphanage in the backyard. … Then we learned the vice president has created his own security classification, which he stamps on his private documents [on screen: stamp saying, ‘Treated as SECRET/SCI’]. But geez, in context, it’s just one of many stamps in his collection. Others include ‘Hang In There,’ ‘Please Recycle,’ and ‘A Smile Goes A Mile But A Frown Will Bring You Down.’ He’s full of surprises. Anyhow, let’s move on to today’s question. Which of the following is a true fact about our vice president? A) He’s a loving grandfather, B) He’s crazy about his labrador retrievers Jackson and Dave, C) He played halfback on his high school football team, or D) He loves his labradors Jackson and Dave. The answer is, all of the above! Well, if that answer surprises you, then you don’t know that much about Richard Cheney” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/10).
Stephen Colbert: “This Sunday, the Discovery Channel aired ‘Breaking Point,’ Ted Koppel’s in-depth report on California’s prisons. … Koppel lays the blame on California’s adoption in 1994 of tough anti-crime legislation [on screen: Koppel saying, ‘Three strikes and you’re out’]. Exactly! If it works for baseball, it works for criminals. That’s why there’s no crime in baseball. … I’m not saying we don’t have a problem. Over two million people in the U.S. are behind bars. … The numbers are staggering, and they’re the subject of tonight’s ‘Word.’ American Dream. Nation, this is appalling. If two million Americans are in prison, that means 298 million Americans are roaming the streets [on screen: Only Half Of Them Wiretapped]. … When this country was founded, there were only four million American citizens [on screen: Not Including The People They Owned]. … To achieve an ordered society, we have to first eliminate the root cause of crime … all the people. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/10).
Conan O’Brien: “One of President Bush’s closest advisors said that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is going to have trouble getting elected ’cause his last name is Huckabee. He said the only way it could be worse is if his name was George W. Huckabee. … Former ‘Law & Order’ star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate. … Dennis Kucinich has asked that his name be taken off the ballot in the Michigan Democratic primary. Michigan voting officials told Kucinich, ‘How ’bout we just put it up high where you can’t see it?’ … Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/10).
Jimmy Kimmel: “There was another presidential debate held yesterday. It was a Republican debate held in Dearborn, Michigan. It was ‘Law & Order’ star Fred Thompson’s first presidential debate. I’d say the addition of Fred Thompson has given these debates exactly what they need — another old white guy” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 10/10).
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN YESTERDAY’S REPUBLICAN DEBATE
10. McCain answered all questions with his sock puppet friend “Carl”.
9. Debate was held at Chi-Chi’s in Dearborn.
8. The part where Giuliani slugged an audience member was odd.
7. Mitt Romney proposed a big tax cut for guys named “Mitt” — that’s crazy — who’s ever heard of such a thing?
6. Candidates greeted each other with long, passionate kiss.
5. No number 5 — writer seeing hilarious remake of “The Heartbreak Kid” in theatres now.
4. Tom Tancredo admitted even he doesn’t know who the hell he is.
3. Eddie Brill claimed the audience was one-third foreigners.
2. Wayne Newton was voted off.
1. Time limit enforced by Cheney with a shotgun (CBS, 10/10).
Jay Leno: “The Republicans had another big presidential debate earlier today on CNBC. CNBC — it’s like NBC, but with even less viewers. … All the big name Republican candidates were there. The old guy was there, the really old guy was there, and the really, really old guy was there. … Did you see ’em lined up? They looked like a pack of vanilla wafers. It’s the attack of the white guys. It’s a hockey game about to break out. … This was Fred Thompson’s first debate. Remember Fred Thompson from the show ‘Law & Order’? Also, Rudy Giuliani, remember him from the TV show ‘Cheaters’? … It was a big night for Fred. His wife wanted to watch, but you know Fred’s rules — no TV on a school night. … After the debate … they go into these spin rooms — all the people from the various campaigns — and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson’s people said he won because he didn’t fall asleep. … Mitt Romney’s campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. … And Rudy’s campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife. … They finally revealed the cause of those fires … in the bathroom of the Senate office building last week. Turns out, Idaho Senator Larry Craig’s scented candle tipped over and lit his massage oils on fire. … Hybrid vehicles are so quiet at slow speeds that blind people say they are a safety risk. Again, this is another issue I don’t think President Bush understands. Like today, Bush said, ‘Maybe blind people shouldn’t be driving them'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/9).
David Letterman: “Beautiful day here in New York City. … It was so warm that Pamela Anderson married Al Roker. … This just in: Earlier today, O.J. Simpson returned his Yankee memorabilia. … You folks are here on a great night. The entire balcony is filled with prospective Yankee managers. … The Yankees’ $200 million payroll collapsed. For once, I’m not the most overpaid disappointment in New York” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/9).
Jon Stewart: “As the war in Iraq grinds on, we can take at least one comfort as the president reiterated recently — we are not alone [on screen: Bush saying, ‘The success of a free Iraq matters to every civilized nation. We thank the 36 nations who have troops on the ground in Iraq’]. 36 nations … a fact not at all diminished by the fact that it’s actually 25 nations. … You can see it’s a very common mistake. 36 is six squared, whereas 25 is five squared. Knowing our commander-in-chief, he’s probably thinking in higher math again. You should hear how impressive our coalition sounds in base two. … Anyway, who’s still in our coalition? Let’s take a look. Romania, they’ve got 500 people there. That’s enough to fill a movie theatre. Many of the Romanians, of course, are vampires. Armenians have got 46 soldiers, that’s enough for one of them Atlantic City buses. One of the few places, by the way, more depressing than Iraq. … And then there’s Iceland. They’re counted in the coalition as much as the United States is, and they’ve got enough people to fill a suit. That is not a typo. That is the numeral one. And she wasn’t a troop. And she just left” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/9).
Stephen Colbert: “There was some big news in the New York Times last week. Sadly, it wasn’t that the New York Times building had been bulldozed to make room for a Sizzler. No, it was an investigative article which broke the news that in 2005, when the Justice Department was publicly denouncing torture, they secretly issued another opinion — an expansive endorsement of the harshest interrogation techniques ever used by the Central Intelligence Agency. … The discovery of this interrogation memo and how the Bush administration used it could open an enormous can of worms. … Now luckily, there is a way for the president to rise above these petty accusations, and it’s the subject of tonight’s ‘Word.’ Mighty Duck. Now, for a lot of people, a secret endorsement of brutal interrogations could spell trouble with a capital ‘T’ [on screen: Rhymes With P and Stands For ‘Prison’]. Luckily, the president isn’t a lot of people [on screen: He’s Just Cheney]. No, the only trouble for the president is if this interrogation memo is repeatedly brought to the public’s attention by the press. Luckily, there are a couple of things on the president’s side [on screen: Hint: Not ‘Habeus’ or ‘Corpus’]. … The president is unpopular. He’s got a Democratic Congress and even Republican presidential candidates avoid him like the plague [on screen: Plague Has Higher Approval Rating]. So why pay attention to him? The less people pay attention to him, the more he can do all the things that he doesn’t want people to pay attention to [on screen: Catch-43]. So, ladies and gentlemen of the media, by all means, focus on what percentage Fred Thompson will beat McCain among moderate, conservative, pro-gun lobby, anti-socialized health care, pro-anti-immigration reform, Hispanic nursemaids [on screen: The ‘M.C.P.G.L.A.S.H.C.P.A.I.R.S.H.N.M.’ Association]. Keep treating the president like a lame duck, and that will allow him to be the mightiest duck this nation’s ever seen [on screen: Might Duck]. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/9).
Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday on the campaign trail … Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, ‘It’s not just NAFTA. I’m also opposed to my husband’s views on MILFs. … Tonight’s Republican debate will be the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice. … A new study says that more than 10,000 Cubans a year are entering the United States by going to Mexico and then crossing the border. U.S. border agents are furious ’cause the Cubans are stealing jobs that should go to Mexicans” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/9).
Jay Leno: “The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn’t even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife. … Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, ‘Illegal Immigration Day.’ … The U.S. military is now targeting al Qaeda’s Internet capabilities. Apparently, al Qaeda is always trying to recruit new members on the Internet. They hook up on something called JihadHarmony.com. You meet your terrorist soul mate. … Senator Larry Craig, the man of the peep hole. … I’m sorry, man of the people. … As you know, Larry Craig … said he was going to resign. He has now vowed to stay in the Senate and finish his term. You know, you just don’t flush a career like that down the toilet. … There’s a new medical device that allows doctors to non-invasively view your colon on a television screen. The device is called a virtual colonoscopy. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, ‘A playstation'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 10/8).
David Letterman: “Happy Columbus Day, ladies and gentlemen! … Hillary Clinton says that although she supported Columbus going into America, she didn’t have any idea he would stay indefinitely. … They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/8).
Jon Stewart: “Columbus Day. Let’s face it: controversial holiday. To some, a commemoration of the discovery of America. To others, you know, the opening of a 500-year genocidal ordeal. But no matter where you fall, no matter where you stand on the slaughter/not slaughter debate, the one thing you cannot argue about are the savings. The extra ‘s’ is for savings. Although, obviously, for those on the other side of the philosophical spectrum, the ‘s’ is perhaps for small pox. … President Pervez Musharraf has won re-election in Pakistan — and this is the interesting part about it — with 98% of the vote. I found him charming, but 98%? I think oxygen’s approval rating is only 94%. … Let’s start tonight by turning back the clock. The year was 2004, ‘Hey Ya’ lit up the charts, ‘Sideways’ made alcoholism smart again, and President Bush had something he wanted the American people to know [on screen: Bush saying, ‘I have never ordered torture. I will never order torture’]. … Why the need to clarify our lack of torturing? Well, the president had made that declaration in 2004, on the same day secret Justice Department memos came to light defining torture only as treatment that could cause ‘organ failure or even death.’ So ask your doctor, is torture right for you? … So that was the president adamantly saying to the world, ‘We will not kill you or your organs. Other than that, start talking.’ The domestic and international outcry prompted by the Justice Department memos spurred Congress to explicitly ban cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment of U.S. prisoners anywhere in the world. … Oh, boy. Let’s see the memo now. Yes, apparently while the United States Congress banned torture, the executive branch assured the CIA that its interrogation techniques didn’t count as torture. … In fact, the only tactics that the Justice Department memo deemed off-limits were those that would ‘shock the conscience.’ Ironically, shocking the conscience itself? O-tay! … White House press secretary Dana Perino sees the memo itself as a triumph [on screen: Perino saying, ‘It’s quite a testament that even though we have a sworn enemy of the United States, we are still having a debate to talk about how we make sure we treat people, and that we don’t torture them. That’s quite a testament to this country’]. Specifically, the Old Testament” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/8).
Stephen Colbert: “Once again, the dot commies over at MediaMatters.org … are attacking conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh. Recently, the web site posted this audio clip of Rush and a caller complaining about veterans who oppose the Iraq war [on screen: Limbaugh saying, ‘phony soldiers’]. Now, some veterans might have been offended, but sorry, Rush just calls this war likes he sees it — from thousands of miles away in West Palm Beach. … Democrats in Congress have demanded Republicans denounce Limbaugh, and nobody has summed up how ridiculous all this is better than Republican presidential frontrunner and friend of the show Mike Huckabee [on screen: Huckabee saying, ‘Last time I checked the First Amendment has not been repealed. It is not the business of government to infringe upon the free speech of anybody, including a talk show host’]. Bravo, governor! That is the finest insight you’ve had since you ripped Hillary Clinton a new one for not voting to censure MoveOn.org over their General Betray-Us ad. … Just because he condemned an attack on our troops when it came from the left and defended it when it came from the right right, some are calling Huckabee a huckbacrite. But he isn’t, and the reason is tonight’s ‘Word.’ Medium Matters. The Betray-Us ad was offensive because it was in print, and that made it permanent [on screen: Didn’t Make It Any Less Stupid]. … Rush made his comment on the radio, and he chose a career in radio for a reason [on screen: Face Made For It?]. Because he can say whatever he wants and then it’s gone forever [on screen: Like George Allen]. … And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/8).
Conan O’Brien: “During a recent speech, President Bush said, ‘My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.’ Apparently, Bush’s decision that day was to write his own speech. … Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin. … In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Senator Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to ‘get him in a room and slap him around.’ When he heard this, Craig said, ‘Don’t say it unless you really mean it'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/8).
Seth Meyers: “President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded childrens’ health insurance. Explained the president, ‘I hate kids.’ … In a preview of a looming 2008 election battle over stem cell research and global warming, Hillary Clinton, Thursday, accused President George W. Bush of waging a war on science. Of course, based on his previous wars, this will probably just end up creating more scientists. … This week, Senator Larry Craig, who initially said he would resign after being arrested for soliciting sex in a Minneapolis airport men’s room, said he’s now going to stay in office until the end of his term in 2009. Which brings us to a segment we like to call ‘Really?!? With Seth and Amy.’ Really Senator Craig? … You’re not going to leave your job. Really?! You realize your job is senator, and not lead singer of Wham! … You oppose gay marriage. What, you think marriage takes the sizzle of it? … Or, are you just afraid that if gay marriage is legalized, there will be fewer single gay guys trying to have sex in airport bathrooms? I mean, really?! … And this part is true: You hired the lawyer who defended Michael Vick to clear your name. … Really?! You know who I might have hired? The lawyer who prosecuted Michael Vick” (“SNL,” NBC, 10/6).
Amy Poehler: “Barack Obama’s campaign announced Monday that they have raised more than $20 million in the last three months. Even more amazing, he did it all with a kissing booth. … According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife’s campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they’d be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband. … [to Senator Larry Craig] I’m not creeped out that you tried to have gay sex in an airport bathroom, I’m creeped out that you tried to have any sex in an airport bathroom. I don’t even like going to the bathroom in an airport bathroom. I mean, really?! … In 1989, you pushed for severe punishment for Barney Frank for his involvement in a gay prostitution scandal. Really?! I mean, at least he paid for it! … So, now you’re a Republican who likes dudes, but hates capitalism? Really?! … So, in conclusion, you’re gay, but a married Republican; you’re going to vote for anti-gay legislation, but you solicit gay sex in an airport bathroom. Wow, you do have a wide stance” (“SNL,” NBC, 10/6).
Chevy Chase: “In a startling moment during Wednesday’s Democratic debate, former Senator Mike Gravel’s head exploded. Then, in a chain reaction starting from one candidate’s lectern to the next, John Edwards’ hair parted itself on the opposite side, Barack Obama’s ears flapped uncontrollably, Hillary Clinton instantly shot up in the polls, and Dennis Kucinich simply vanished, leaving his little blue suit splayed out over the podium. … On Tuesday, candidate Barack Obama proposed setting a goal of eliminating all nuclear weapons in the world. A novel idea. He also hopes to save the polar ice caps, the whales, to make love, not war, and to buy the world a coke. … Former Senator and actor Fred Thompson said Monday that he had been certain of Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction prior to the 2003 U.S.-led invasion. He added, [on screen: Chase falls asleep and snores]. … While campaigning in New Hampshire, Rudy Giuliani insisted that his core support is from the evangelical voters because they know where he stands on the issues. While he can appeal to Mormons because he’s had a few wives, Catholics will be drawn to him because his son hates him. He personally finds abortion morally repugnant, but feels that women should have the right to choose … to divorce him. … Meanwhile, Republican Mitt Romney, who is polling ever so close in the polls, admitted that his given name is Rubber Mittens, and that he does indeed comb his hair with olive oil and a fork. … Hillary Clinton’s campaign announced Monday that it raised over $27 million in the last quarter — much of it legally” (“SNL,” NBC, 10/6).
Jay Leno: “Senator Craig defiantly vowed today to serve out his term. And when Larry Craig makes a vow, you know he means it. Okay, except for the marriage vow. … Today, the judge denied Craig the chance to withdraw his guilty plea. So, it’s official, he’s stuck being gay. … Actually … the judge came down pretty hard on Senator Craig. He said he can’t withdraw his guilty plea, he has to give his memorabilia back to O.J., and his kids have to go live with Kevin Federline. … In fact, Republicans are so mad about him staying, they may ask Cheney to take him out back and shoot him. … Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 be given to every baby born in America. Here’s a chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. … While out on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that Republicans have to start acting like Republicans. I don’t know, last week they avoided a debate with black people. You can’t get more Republican than that. … If Dennis Kucinich is elected president, his wife would be the first first lady ever with a pierced tongue. And he would be the first president ever to sit in the Oval Office on a booster seat. … The FBI is concerned that the mafia may go into business with al Qaeda. That’s scary, isn’t it? Wake up and find a goat head in your bed, that would be awful. In fact, they made al Qaeda an offer they couldn’t refuse — 72 hookers in this life. … Big landslide in San Diego. See, I don’t think President Bush understands the situation. Like today, he said, ‘It’s good to see houses moving again'” (“Tonight,” NBC, 10/4).
David Letterman: “Beautiful day here in New York City. … So beautiful today, President Bush said, ‘Maybe I won’t do anything about global warming.’ … Are you all excited about the presidential election for 2008? … How about that Hillary Clinton and her fundraising? Isn’t it amazing? She is a fundraising machine. I mean, honest to God, $80 million. Now, according to New York law, $12 million of that goes to Leona Helmsley’s dog” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/4).
Jon Stewart: “Are the kids healthy? Because the news from Washington is … well, uh, you’re going to want to try and keep them that way. This week, everyone who is anyone in DC was talking about the proposed expansion of the so-called SCHIP health care program for low-income children. Congress has voted to expand the program by $35 billion over five years and add 2 to 4 million kids to the program, and is to be paid for with a 61-cent increase in the cigarette tax. So, in summation, the bill takes money from cigarettes and gives it to poor, sick children [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, ‘That’s why I’m going to veto the bill’]. No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that is only done by cartoon villains. You’re slowly going from Nixon to Mr. Burns. That’s not good. But I’m sure this veto will in no way set up the type of photo-op that most people will in no way find … [on screen: children protesting Bush’s SCHIP veto outside the WH]. Oh God! Yes, it’s a mid-day march of the adorables descending upon the White House, highlighting the human face of the president’s decision. Washington hasn’t seen that kind of devotion to a cause since the ‘Big Wheels for Mumia’ rally. … I believe the explanations for this veto are going to be enjoyable to hear [on screen: WH spokesperson Dana Perino saying, ‘I would be surprised if the children, who are outside today protesting, knew that the president is actually in favor of expanding SCHIP. It’s unfortunate that there’s any misinformation being given to children’]. It’s unfortunate that misinformation is being given to children? You don’t have kids do you, Ms. Perino? Because what you call ‘misinformation,’ most people call ‘parenting.’ No honey, you’re baby teeth really do have monetary value. Just put ’em under your f—— pillow and go to sleep. Their whole lives are misinformation! … Other Washington insiders tried impeccable logic [on screen: Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) suggesting the increase in the cigarette tax would cause people to stop smoking and therefore, not fund the program]. It’s full proof! Wait, unless we convince poor kids to start smoking. Then they would pay for their own health care. Genius!” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/4).
Stephen Colbert: “Speaking of tall, mythical, shambling creatures, the Fred Thompson presidential juggernaut keeps creaking forward. I originally thought Thompson’s trademark laziness was an asset in a campaign. After all, if slow and steady wins the race, then imagine what stationary and half-asleep could do. But now I’m not so sure. Evidently, Thompson is having some trouble firing up the crowds. Look at him trying to jump start a room during a recent appearance in Iowa [on screen: Thompson saying, ‘Can I have a round of applause?’] … How embarrassing that the senator had to ask for applause. I mean, it makes you look desperate. There are other ways to get applause without just coming out and asking for it. Am I right, people? [audience applauds] Thank you, that was so unexpected” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/4).
Conan O’Brien: “President Bush’s daughter Jenna is now saying she doesn’t want to get married at the White House. She wants her wedding to be in Crawford, Texas. When asked why, Jenna said, ‘I want my dad to be there.’ … Speaking of politics, Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. … Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, ‘How ’bout Salma Hayek?’ … The Iraqi government has ordered $100 million worth of weapons made in China. An Iraqi official said, ‘We’re hoping China makes weapons that are half as deadly as their toys.’ … This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was a victim of identity theft. Someone stole Mayor Bloomberg’s identity. By the time police arrested the thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated a museum. … The FAA says that Newark, New Jersey’s airport has the nation’s worst record for on-time arrivals. Apparently, the problem is that halfway there, the pilots suddenly realize they’re going to Newark, New Jersey” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/4).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Everyone’s favorite Idaho senator who did not have gay sex in a public bathroom, Larry Craig, is back in the news. You may remember, he pleaded guilty to public indecency for playing footsie with an undercover cop in the men’s room in the Minneapolis airport. Well, not long after that, he decided he was not playing footsie and asked the judge if we could withdraw his guilty plea. Well, the judge today said ‘no.’ For some reason now, Senator Craig has decided not to resign. … His fellow Republicans are not happy. They want him out of there. A lot of them stopped talking to him. Some of them have stopped having sex with him” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 10/4).
TOP TEN SIGNS HILLARY CLINTON IS GETTING COCKY
10. Already selected her victory pantsuit.
9. Canceled today’s campaign appearances; Went to see “Good Luck Chuck.”
8. Spent most of the last debate listening to her iPod — just a reminder: The new iPod Touch is now in stock at your local Apple store.
7. Hired Faith Hill to beat up women who’ve hit on Bill.
6. Assembled a Las Vegas crew to steal her football memorabilia.
5. Calling Giuliani during speeches to say she loves him.
4. Already issuing memos about putting White House toilet seats down — the ladies know what I’m talking about!
3. Responds to difficult questions with, “Oh no you didn’t!”
2. Greeted Obama yesterday by saying, “Wanna be my bitch?”
1. Told Bill he can start dating again (CBS, 10/4).
Jay Leno: “President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the Child Health Insurance Plan. I believe his comment was, ‘Childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again.’ … This morning on Capitol Hill … four bathroom fires broke out inside the Senate office building. Inside one bathroom, three big, burly firemen broke the door down, kicked in the stall, and Senator Craig said, ‘My dreams have come true.’ … Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary’s plan, saying what babies needs are jobs, not handouts. … $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too. … Recently, Hillary Clinton was asked what role her husband Bill would play if she becomes president. Hillary said Bill would be sent around the world as a roving ambassador. Gee, I wonder which one of them came up with that idea? … The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Rudy Giuliani has taken cell phone calls from his wife over 40 times during speeches. 40 times! And each time, it was a different wife calling” (“Tonight,” NBC, 10/3).
David Letterman: “Are you folks interested in the 2008 presidential election? … In a couple of months, it will just be a year away. And Hillary Clinton, she is a money-making machine. She is a fundraising juggernaut. Here’s what she made: $80 million so far this year. … $80 million! It’s amazing, isn’t it? Here’s how it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for pantsuits” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/3).
Jon Stewart, on the Blackwater controversy: “It turns out having a private security firm subject neither to Iraqi, United States nor international law can create some oversight issues, killing wise. But not to worry, for Blackwater’s day of reckoning is at hand [on screen: Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), ‘I want you to know Blackwater will be accountable today’]. For I am Waxman. Yes, the burden the of dispensing justice to Blackwater’s mercenary army has fallen on the what I can only assume are the hirsute shoulders of the man who couldn’t even get Harriet Miers to testify. … It wouldn’t be a pro forma exercise in toothless government oversight without Republican input [on screen: Rep. John Mica (R-FL) saying, ‘We should not be holding this hearing, therefore I move that the committee do now adjourn’]. Either that man is a shameless partisan hack, or he has explosive diarrhea” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/3).
Stephen Colbert: “The media is pushing its homosexual agenda again, by reminding us that there are homosexuals. Last week, the Senate voted 60 to 39 to pass the Matthew Shepard Act, which would update hate crimes laws to cover attacks based on sexual orientation and gender. First, let me say this clearly, you should never attack someone based on sexual orientation and gender. You should attack them based on fear and anger. Besides, violence is never the answer. You can do far more damage pantsing them in gym class. … This week’s ‘Alpha Dog’ is President George W. Bush. Now it goes without saying that President Bush could be my ‘Alpha Dog’ every week. He has certainly left his mark all over this country, but now he has outdone even himself. You see, for years the Left has accused the Bush administration of doing nothing on global warming. As if intimidating scientists is nothing. But the president cares just as much about climate change as Al Gore. He just would have called his documentary ‘How Inconvenient That The Science Isn’t In Yet.’ This week, President Bush proved how much he cares by hosting a global warming summit, where he asked the rest of the world to follow him on climate change. And that takes glacier-sized balls, pre-global warming. The president set a clear goal to reduce emissions [on screen: Bush saying, ‘By setting this goal, we commit ourselves to doing something about it. By next summer, we will convene a meeting of heads of state to finalize the goal’]. Next summer, the goal will be finalized. At this rate, we should be able to take action on global warming by … January 20, 2009. In one day, the president leapt from the back of the pack to the lead husky, leaving the rest of the world staring at his swinging sack. … So Mr. President, for leading us to a bold commitment to finalize a goal for future possible action to solve global warming, you, sir, are my ‘Alpha Dog’ of the week” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/3).
Conan O’Brien: “Tomorrow at the White House, President Bush will host a group of Muslims for a traditional Ramadan meal called the Iftar dinner. Last year’s Iftar didn’t go so well because President Bush stood up and yelled, ‘Let’s get this party iftarted.’ … It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama’s campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions. … Earlier today … on Capitol Hill, firemen put out four small fires that were started in bathrooms at the Senate office building. Senator Larry Craig was seen running from the bathroom, screaming, ‘I won’t go quietly!'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/3).
Jay Leno: “According to Reuters, Democratic candidates … have raised more money than Republican candidates. Over the summer, Hillary Clinton raised like $27 million, Barack Obama collected well over $20 million, and Dennis Kucinich saved a ton of dough on his car insurance by switching to Geico. … According to a new survey, 52% of people have had sex with a colleague at work. 52%! You know, I can never look at Hannity and Colmes the same way again. … They are turning the movie ‘Brokeback Mountain’ into a broadway musical. Auditions will be held at the Minneapolis airport men’s room” (“Tonight,” NBC, 10/2).
David Letterman: “The Yankees made it into the play-offs … on a wild card. By the way, that’s also how we got President Bush. … President Bush is now saying there’s a good chance we will be bombing Iran … because he is convinced they have nuclear weapons. Well, he would know. … This is good news: President Bush says he’s going to … finally take some action on global warming, because he became very alarmed when another chunk of ice broke off his mother” (“Late Show,” CBS, 10/2).
Jon Stewart: “As you know, the presidential campaign trail presents many challenges, whether it’s kissing babes, flipping pancakes, or I don’t know whatever the hell this is [on screen: John Kerry in a NASA “clean suit”]. Clearly, you can’t become the most powerful person in the world without looking like the least powerful person in the world. By the way, it’s kissing babies and flipping pancakes. You confuse that [on screen: Al Gore flipping a baby], it’s over. … Tonight, in a new segment, we look at the lengths presidential hopefuls go to stand out by asking, ‘Is That Really Necessary?’ Tonight’s subject, Senator John McCain. After losing the 2000 GOP primary for, among other things, calling Jerry Falwell an agent of intolerance, he came out this year determined not to make the same principled mistake twice. This campaign, he spoke at Falwell’s Liberty University, and this February, he told a group of religious broadcasters that not only did he oppose Roe v. Wade, but that he, himself, was keeping his baby. … But enough about the executive branch — a bunch of term-limited pussies. Let’s go judicial! Yesterday was the first Monday in October, the opening day of the Supreme Court. The smell of the robes; the bang of the gavel — this could finally be the year everything is ruled unconstitutional. The court’s previous session, the first with Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito, was a contentious one, with a record number of ideologically driven 5-4 decisions. That’s why it was somewhat surprising that Judge Clarence Thomas chose yesterday to release his new book, which reveals that not only does he disagree with much of the legal principles the left espouses, he also personally f—— hates them. Saying in the book, ‘I’d grown up fearing the lynch mobs of the Ku Klux Klan; as an adult I was starting to wonder if I’d been afraid of the wrong white people all along, where I was being pursued not by bigots in white robes, but by left-wing zealots draped in flowing sanctimony.’ Adding, ‘Anyway, you were saying about interstate commerce'” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 10/2).
Stephen Colbert: “For the past month, everyone’s been talking about the feud between Kanye West and 50 Cent. Who would win their album sales war? Well, nation, after releasing their albums on the same day, the numbers are in. Kanye’s album ‘Graduation’ sold 957,000 copies, while 50’s ‘Curtis’ only sold 691,000. Now I have disagreed with Kanye in the past, but he sold more albums, so the market has spoken — George Bush doesn’t care about black people” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 10/2).
Conan O’Brien: “The airport bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested is now being renovated to make the stall dividers go all the way down to the floor. When he heard this, Craig said, ‘While you’re at it, can you put in some mood lighting?’ … ABC is trying to promote its new series ‘Cavemen,’ so they sent one of the actors from that show dressed as Cro-Magnon Man to appear on ‘The View.’ There was, of course, an awkward moment, when Barbara Walters said, ‘What’s my prom date doing here?'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 10/2).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Barack Obama sat down yesterday with Tyra Banks. That’s right, with Tyra Banks. Tyra dedicated the entire hour of her talk show to him, and may God help him if Oprah finds out” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 10/2).
TOP TEN WAYS GEORGE W. BUSH CAN BOOST HIS APPROVAL RATING
10. Play comical slide-whistle every time he screws up.
9. Release NSA wiretaps of Jessica Biel’s hot phone conversations.
8. Tell everyone “W” stands for “Whoa, this guy’s awesome!”
7. Help O.J. find the real memorabilia.
6. Send 20,000 troops to stop Michael Jackson’s wedding.
5. Devote weekly radio address to discuss what’s happening on “The Hills.”
4. What do you mean “boost”? Everything’s great!
3. Co-star in a movie with a monkey.
2. Go on television; Say, “You know what? I did lose in 2000”; Hand over the keys to Gore.
1. Appoint blue ribbon commission to find out what happened to the Mets (CBS, 10/2).
Seth Meyers: “During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village. … On Thursday, President Bush held his own talks with the world’s biggest greenhouse gas emitters, in hopes of coming up with aspirational goals to curb global warming. However, the talks were unexpectedly interrupted when the earth died. … Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, ‘That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'” (“SNL,” NBC, 9/29).
Amy Poehler: “During a meeting of the U.N. General Assembly on Tuesday, First Lady Laura Bush walked past Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but refused to make eye contact with him. Though, in her defense, she thought he was a waiter. … Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag from its store after a customer in Britain complained it was embroidered with swastikas. On the bright side, the handbag has been invited to speak at Columbia University” (“SNL,” NBC, 9/29).
Bill Maher: “The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. … Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don’t have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony. … They also had a big debate this week, the Democrats. … The news out of it was that they were asked, ‘Do you think you could get the troops out of Iraq by the end of your first term in 2013?’ All the frontrunners said ‘no.’ No! By 2013! Barack Obama called it ‘the audacity of nope.’ … One awkward moment during the debate: John Edwards’ phone rang and it was Giuliani’s wife. … There is a new book out this week about President Bush by one of his longtime fans, Bill Sammon. … It’s called the ‘Evangelical President,’ and it’s pretty standard Bush idolatry. You know, he’s smarter than we think, his enemies are just jealous, he’s ahead of his time. By the way, if you order it though Amazon, they recommend you might also like ‘The 10 Pound Bag of Bullshit.’ … You know Bill O’Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. … He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton — he must have lost a bet — and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers” (“Real Time,” HBO, 9/28).
Jay Leno: “According to a report from a British web site, Saddam Hussein offered to step down and go into exile one month before the invasion of Iraq in return for $1 billion. He said he would go into exile for $1 billion. That’s the same deal NBC offered me. … The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world this week when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on his Iranian airways jet to fly back home, the male flight attendant didn’t speak to him the whole way. … That’s a pretty awful place to be gay. Did you know homosexuals are executed in Iran? … But only if a homosexual act either between two men or two women is witnessed by four or more other men. That shows you the difference in our culture. … Like in Iran, two women having sex witnessed by four men, that’s called a capital crime. See, here, that would be called a bachelor party. … In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she’s never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to. … The old, toe-tapping senator from the great state of Idaho, Larry Craig … has changed his mind and is not going to resign. You know what it is? I don’t think he wants to give up the key to the executive washroom. … You know that bathroom in the Minneapolis airport where he got caught? Well, the airport is now spending a ton of money to build new stall dividers that go all the way to the ground … to make it a less inviting spot for sexual activity. And today, Senator Craig said, ‘Minneapolis, tear down that wall!’ … Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently? … PBS host Tavis Smiley … was the moderator at the Republican debate on minority issues at Morgan State University. But not one of the four leading Republican candidates — Giuliani, Thompson, McCain or Romney — showed up for the debate on black issues. How are you going to stand up to the terrorists when you’re afraid of a guy named Tavis Smiley? … In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Rudy Giuliani said he is guided by Jesus and the Bible, and he doesn’t want people to judge his private life. He then said, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’ And then Mitt Romney hit him in the head with a rock” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/28).
David Letterman: “Can you tell it’s autumn outside? Here in New York City, the colors start to change from brown to gold to yellow to rust. And that’s just the tap water” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/28).
Conan O’Brien: “Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has just invited President Bush to visit Iran and speak at an Iranian university. After receiving the invitation, President Bush said, ‘Maybe I’ll come when you guys play Notre Dame.’ … Speaking of Ahmadinejad, it’s been reported that when he was a child, he changed his name. Which means Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not his real name. Even more shocking, it turns out he was born Stephanie Delgado. … It turns out that before the U.S. invaded Iraq, Saddam Hussein said he would quit the presidency and leave the country if he were given $1 billion. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘Hell, I’ll do it for ten grand.’ … The Israeli police announced this week that they will no longer arrest first-time drug users. When heard this, Snoop Dogg said, ‘Shalom'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/28).
Jay Leno: “Last night was the premiere of ‘Dancing Around The Issues,’ otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate. … The three Democratic frontrunners said last night … that setting a timetable for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can’t project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling out troops basically depends on the situation on the ground. Otherwise known as the ‘Bush plan.’ … America’s favorite restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said this week that he will not resign. Remember he said he was going to resign, then he didn’t know, then he said he would, and now he says he’s not going to resign. The man can’t make up his mind. To which his wife said, ‘Tell me about it.’ … Yesterday, Senator Craig officially withdrew his guilty plea. He must have changed it to not guilty by reason of temporary gayness. … No, he was saying he hopes the judge has an open mind or a wide stance. … Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney had to cancel his campaign schedule last week. He was pretty sick. He was coughing up blue blood. … At a speech in Maine, Rudy Guiliani talked about how he’s a Yankee fan … yet he came out against illegal immigration. Make up your mind! … Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a climate change summit. Even though he’s a Republican and Al Gore’s a Democrat, it’s good they could talk robot to robot. … President Bush gave a speech urging Congress to reauthorize the No Child Left Behind Act. See, I think the reason President Bush is so adamant about this is, I think he might have been a child left behind himself. Listen carefully to what he says here [on screen: Bush saying, ‘Childrens do learn’]. Exactly, see that” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/27).
David Letterman: “No gays in Iran. That’s why you have to go all the way to Turkey for a facial. … That’s why you have to go to Jordan to look at drapes. … That’s why you have to go to Syria to get a decent perm. … That’s why you have to go to Kuwait to see figure skating” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/27).
Jon Stewart: “On this program in the past, we have occasionally ribbed our current president. … But it’s in no way indicative of any real feelings about the president’s abilities or policies. It’s nothing personal … until now. Yesterday, surrounded by school children, speaking in defense of his education policy, the president said this [on screen: Bush saying, ‘Childrens do learn’]. Childrens do learn, or does they? ‘Childrens do learn’ while talking about education. Let me tell you something, sir, myself and this show, we don’t need your charity. I have a full staff of very talented writers and producers working for me and we can’t even make that funnier by taking that out of context. … There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule you. But when that day comes, all we’re going to have are tired puns and goofy looks … because as you would say, we’re suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectations. So, sir, please change … for the childrens” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/27).
Stephen Colbert: “Last night’s presidential debate combined two of my least favorite things — Democrats and MSNBC. But I tuned in anyway. … Moderator Tim Russert did a great job in going for the jugular in the Democrats’ already bleeding hearts. Just watch him set up Hillary about being soft on terror [on screen: Russert saying Bill Clinton disagrees with her position on torture]. She should have tortured someone to learn about that bomb Tim Russert just dropped. Jimmy, how did that play out? [on screen: HRC saying, ‘Well, he’s not standing here right now’]. Damn right. Bill Clinton doesn’t stand anywhere for less than a $100,000. … As you all know, America is facing a health care crisis … in that the Democrats are trying to provide health care. Every Democratic presidential candidate has a plan to just give away health insurance. From Obama, Edwards and Hillary’s mandatory coverage plans, which would all be funded by repealing Bush’s tax cuts, to Mike Gravel’s plan of rummaging through pharmacy dumpsters, which he would pay for by playing the saw on the subway” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/27).
Conan O’Brien: “Last night … was the eighth Democratic presidential debate. … It was fascinating. Some political experts were shocked at how much the other Democratic candidates attacked Hillary Clinton during the debate. … Even more shocking was when Bill Clinton yelled, ‘Get her.’ … Yesterday at a global conference on poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked at himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, ‘Bill, this is moment you’ve been training for your whole life.’ … This week, presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich … said he supports lowering the voting age to 16. Not only that, Kucinich supports lowering the lever in the voting booth so he can reach it. … Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York this week. … He just gave an interview, and Ahmadinejad summed himself up in four words — ‘love,’ ‘justice,’ ‘kindness,’ and ‘dignity.’ And then he said, ‘Wait, I’d like to add two more: ‘anti-semitic’ and ‘windbreaker.’ … It’s been reported that before the U.S. invaded Iraq, Saddam Hussein offered to leave the country and go into exile if he could take $1 billion with him. It almost worked, but at the last minute, Howie Mandel convinced him to take the wrong suitcase” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/27).
Jimmy Kimmel: “President Bush had a good one yesterday. He was at a school in New York. He was talking about his commitment to education — not his own personal education, that of others [on screen: Bush saying, ‘Childrens do learn’]. It’s part of the No Childs Left Behind program. I’m starting to think he does these things on purpose. … There was a debate between the Republican candidates for president in Baltimore tonight. The debate focused on minority issues, and it was at Morgan State University, which is a black college. … None of the top four Republican candidates were there. Giuliani, McCain, Romney and Thompson — not one of them showed up. Apparently, they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where nobody will vote for them” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/27).
Jay Leno: “This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal. … Folks, it’s official. Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United State. 11%! Their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University … This week, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahma-nut job … became the laughing stock of the world when he said there are no gay people in Iran. So apparently, he’s never been to the Tehran airport men’s room. … In Iran, homosexuals … can be executed for being gay, but only if a homosexual act is witnessed by four other Iranian men. So, they’ve got four men watching two other men have sex. … Isn’t everybody gay? … The Iranian president also said there are no lesbians in Iran either. Really? In that whole country, there isn’t one whole female UPS driver? I don’t think so. … In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. … The guy’s got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, ‘Records are made to be broken.’ … This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 … in reference to 9/11. … Isn’t that inappropriate? I mean, isn’t it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/26).
David Letterman: “You folks are here on a historic night. The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians. … A couple of days ago, up at Columbia University … Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. By the way, that’s why in Iran, it’s nearly impossible to get your dog groomed. … Here’s some good news, ladies and gentlemen: President Bush says he has a new plan to stop Iran’s nuclear program. This is what he’s going to do, he’s going to have O.J. steal the plutonium” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/26).
Jon Stewart, on the U.N. General Assembly: “Each year, ambassadors and presidents gather with the goal of making it impossible to get across town in less than two hours. … Mr. President, you’re first. This is your chance to send a clear message to Iran at the U.N. Take the first swing [on screen: Bush saying, ‘Americans are outraged by the situation in Burma’]. We are? Really? I think I would change that statement somewhat to say, ‘Americans just found out there was still a Burma.’ … It turns out that during the president’s 20-minute speech, he only mentioned Iran once in passing and Iraq twice, focusing more on how he also doesn’t like Burma, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Cuba, Kurgistan, and — this was odd — the show ‘Two and A Half Men'” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/26).
Stephen Colbert: “Nation, this show is available for download on iTunes. And while it’s great that you can get me anywhere, anytime, there’s one thing about it that disturbs me … iTunes doesn’t give you the whole show. They cut out the part I really care about — the ads. … This growing discrimination against advertisers is a national disgrace, folks. But there is a solution, and it’s tonight’s ‘Word.’ A word from our sponsors. … Advertisers just can’t get their message out [on screen: This Space For Rent]. Luckily, NBC has a bold new strategy to keep us informed. The peacock network is pulling all their shows off of iTunes in favor of a free download service called NBC Direct. NBC Direct is the cutting edge in new technology. According to their press release, it offers higher quality video experience and more control because now, more than ever, viewers want to be in control. … I always need the newest commercials and the best part is with the new NBC Direct, you can’t fast forward through them. You’re that in control. NBC’s new plan has only one flaw [on screen: Doesn’t De-invent Tivo]. They told me about it. … And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/26).
Conan O’Brien: “All the world leaders are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. … Yesterday, President Bush met with President Valdis Zatlers of Latvia, President Festus Gontebanye Mogae of Botswana and President Jakaya Kikwete of Tanzania. Or, as Bush calls them, ‘Buddy, Slim and Big Guy.’ … Yesterday, controversial Iranian President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers published there that oppose his government. So, if you’re keeping track, that’s 30 opposition newspapers and 0 gay people. … Last night in New York — see, he did have some fun while he was here — Iran’s President Ahmadinejad invited several high-profiled reporters over to his hotel for dinner. Apparently, it went well because this morning, Barbara Walters was seen leaving in the same clothes. … The organizers of Hillary Clinton’s campaign are sponsoring a contest where the winner gets to watch a Democratic debate while sitting next to Bill Clinton. The rules specify: No members of the press, and no fat chicks” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/26).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Iranian President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad is headed back home tonight after a whirl-wind trip to New York. He said many, many crazy things during his time here, but the one most people seemed focused on — I certainly am — is his contention that there are no homosexuals in Iran. That claim was challenged by an Iranian news reporter [on screen: Ahmadinejad saying he knows no homosexuals after Iranian reporter says she knows several gay Iranians]. Neither did Larry Craig, right?” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/26).
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BABY IS TOO FAT
10. She has your eyes and Barry Bonds’ head.
9. Doctor says, “It’s a… Good Lord!”
8. “Baby carriage” is a forklift.
7. The kid’s got more chins than fingers.
6. Incubator littered with baby back ribs.
5. Local news crew shows up thinking a baby elephant has been born.
4. His pacifier is a stick of butter.
3. Nevermind a c-section, you had a d-section! I tell you, folks, that’s one fat baby!
2. First word: Bacon.
1. Twice a day the kid gets mistaken for Rosie O’Donnell (CBS, 9/26).
Jay Leno: “Yesterday at Columbia University, it was ‘Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.’ There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn’t like it. … I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way … you win an Academy Award. … Instead of New York, I wish they would have invited Ahmadinejad to California. That would have been fun to watch Governor Schwarzenegger trying to introduce him. … As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission. … As you know, women in Iran have to cover up. … Premarital sex is against the law. In fact, a man can’t even touch a woman over there unless you’re married. There’s no R-rated movies. I’m surprised all guys in Iran aren’t gay by now. … In a recent interview, former President Bill Clinton was asked how he would handle being First Husband if Hillary gets elected. … He said he had no problem being First Husband, but being a husband first, that would be a problem. … I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They’re scheduled to meet with rich white people” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/25).
David Letterman: “Beautiful day, am I right? … It was so nice that the United Nations canceled its global warming conference and went to the beach. … It was so nice today that world leaders were in front of the U.N. hooting at chicks. … Earlier today, President Bush addressed the General Assembly at the U.N. and he was coolly received by a skeptical audience. Oh, I get that every night. It’s no big deal. … California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was also at the U.N. summit. He did not speak, they just needed him to move a podium. … How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre. … But did you see Ahmadinejad’s speech at the U.N.? One odd moment: In the middle of the speech, he took a cell phone call from Mrs. Giuliani” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/25).
Jon Stewart: “Last night we were discussing the presidential campaign. Of course, Hillary Clinton remains the solid frontrunner for the Democrats. A lot of voters though … feel she can be a bit distant, calculated, some type of synthetic being that cries Mercury. Well, this weekend, Hillary Clinton appeared on all five Sunday morning news shows determined to showcase her humanity. And what is humanity’s humanist humaninity? [on screen: various clips showing HRC laughing]. Ha ha ha ha. I’m joyful. Was this laughter spontaneous? In some instances, it did seem justified [on screen: HRC laughing when asked by FNC’s Chris Wallace, ‘Why do you and the president have such a hyperpartisan view of politics?’] Okay, I get that. You’re on Fox News and they just asked you why you’re so partisan. That’s funny. But in other cases [on screen: HRC laughing at CBS’ Bob Schieffer when he tells her GOPers are calling her health care plan ‘socialized medicine’]. I’m sorry, it’s just the phrase ‘socialized medicine’ reference got me thinking about the old joke about the nun who tells St. Peter she won’t gargle if Sister Mary Katherine’s going to put her ass in the … Anyway, I’m sorry, Bob, continue with your question. … It’s day two of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s three-day U.S. jaunt. And how are New Yorkers welcoming him? [on screen: a NY state assemblyman calling on NYers ‘to make the life of Ahmadinejad as he is in NY miserable’]. This man should be as miserable as we New Yorkers are every day. He should be forced to live in a tiny, overpriced apartment and to smell the nuts in those carts. … Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let’s hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. … That’s so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/25).
Stephen Colbert: “Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is taking flack for statements he made last week in London. Giuliani gave a speech to a group of British conservatives, including Margaret Thatcher … and told reporters, ‘I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.’ A line that always works in the Admirals Club. Now, Giuliani only made this statement to keep his audience from drifting away. You see, at the time, onlookers gathered in the lobby to gawk at actor Dustin Hoffman who was on a separate visit. Oh, what a coincidence, Dusty. Those two have been at each other ever since Hoffman beat out Giuliani for the role of Tootsie [on screen: Giuliani dressed in drag]. … On his meeting with Margaret Thatcher, Giuliani said, ‘I think she’s one of three people who changed the map of Europe.’ The other two, of course, are Napoleon and Hitler. … One thing is clear about all this — Rudy Giuliani loves lists. In fact, he often refers to his wife Judith as ‘one of the top three wives he has had'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/25).
Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, Iran’s President Ahmadinejad said that his country doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian’s penis hostage. … Earlier today, President Bush gave a major foreign policy speech in front of the General Assembly of the United Nations. Bush began his speech by saying, ‘Greetings foreign dudes.’ … Apple launched its iPhone in Europe … but it’s being criticized because they say it’s not European enough. Apparently, the iPhone isn’t European enough because it actually works the entire month of August” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/25).
Jimmy Kimmel: “The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. … This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He’s looked very hard for them, he’s even placed personal ads. … Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he’d be better dressed” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/25).
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD DURING PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD’S TRIP TO NEW YORK CITY
10. Being here makes me realize how much I miss torturing dissidents.
9. I would like to meet “Whoopi.”
8. For a blood-thirsty madman, he dressed pretty sharp.
7. Let’s go to Mahmoud on the car phone who wants to talk about Notre Dame football.
6. He looks more “Ahmadinejad-I” in person.
5. Yes, Mahmoud, I got it — In America you watch TV, In Iran TV watches you.
4. Death to overpriced midtown parking garages.
3. Instead of dealing in terror, maybe we should look into this sugar business.
2. You call this Times Square? Where’s the porn?
1. I thought I was a prick, but then I met Donald Trump (CBS, 9/25).
Jay Leno: “The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahma-nut job, has arrived in the United States. Did you know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn’t that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now, when did they start with that? … You know the interesting part? After he landed, he actually drove his own cab in from the airport. … Earlier today, [Ahmadinejad] spoke to students at Columbia University. You know why he chose Columbia? … ‘Cause Notre Dame’s football program sucks this year. … No, it was tricky because he had to have an interpreter that could lie in two languages. … Actually, there was a lot of controversy over letting him speak at Columbia. The dean of the university said that he would even let Hitler speak. Apparently, he didn’t realize he just did. … Ahmadinejad … is against drugs, he’s against alcohol, against premarital sex, against homosexuality and pornography. What’s he speaking at a college for? Good luck finding any common ground with those kids. … My favorite part of his speech is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. That’s what he said. Too bad, because they need somebody to choreograph those parades they have every week. … According to a new report out of Cuba, Fidel Castro is near death, but is clinging to life and he is determined to outlive the Bush presidency. Wow, just like Dan Rather. … Hillary Clinton gave an interview to the gay magazine, The Advocate. When asked about the rumor that she is a lesbian, Hillary denied it. Hillary said she is not a lesbian. A confused President Bush said today, he has no problem with anyone being a lesbian, as long as they are in this country legally. … Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings. … The Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans is out. Everybody on the list is now a billionaire. You can’t even be a millionaire and be on the list, you have to be a billionaire to be on the list. So see that, the Bush tax cuts are working” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/24).
David Letterman: “Beautiful day here in New York City. … It’s so nice today in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was barred from Ben and Jerry’s. … You folks are here during a great week. It’s ‘Lunatic Dictator Week’ in New York City. … Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the U.N., and also to recover some stolen sports memorabilia. … Earlier today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University. Oh my gosh, ladies and gentleman, there hasn’t been this many angry protesting students at a college since Ball State named a building after me” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/24).
Jon Stewart: “New York City today abuzz. The big talk? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here speaking at the U.N. and actually touring our fair city. Start spreading the news … ‘Death to America.’ … Even before his arrival, Ahmadinejad caused a stir by saying he wanted to visit Ground Zero, a request many New Yorkers saw as the ultimate insult. Or so they thought, until the diminutive Iranian got off his plane at Kennedy Airport [on screen: Ahmadinejad with a Boston Red Sox hat on]. … The really dickish part about that? He’s a Twins fan. … With the streets here gridlocked by security, how would Ahmadinejad have the time to make all these commitments? Simple. He gets to drive in the Holocaust Deniers Lane. One thing you can’t deny is the time you’ll save. … Meanwhile, our coverage of the race for the White House continues. … We begin with the Democrats. So far, the road to the White House has taken them through Gay Town, Unionville, black areas, YouTubistan, and let’s say … Miami [on screen: the Univision debate]. Who is the target demo of last Thursday’s debate? … The latest Democratic debate was sponsored by the AARP, the nation’s largest advocacy group for senior citizens. … All the candidates agreed with basic AARP principles: a) health care is a right, b) your grandchildren are, in fact, adorable. And only one candidate was willing to take on the AARP’s most powerful ally — big pastry [on screen: Hillary Clinton saying, ‘No more donut holes’]. No you didn’t! If she goes after matinees, it is over. … Actually, the highlight of the debate was a fly. It kept circling the candidates. … It was a moment reminiscent of a similar incident involving Chris Dodd at a Democratic debate a few weeks ago [on screen: a fly in Dodd’s hair]. And with good reason … it’s the same fly. The fly is a senior political reporter for ‘Turd Fancy’ magazine” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/24).
Stephen Colbert: “Today, New York City is host to a very famous tourist. I am talking about Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadine-if you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere-jad. He’s here for the U.N.’s annual General Assembly, but the big controversy, of course, is his stop at a college campus. He was invited to speak at Columbia University as part of their new lecture series, ‘Why I Should Not Be Invited To Speak At Columbia University.’ … I was not at the lecture, but the man is a powerful performer. You have not heard him deny the Holocaust until you’ve heard him deny it live. … I’m glad that he’s here because he makes me angry, and there’s nothing I like more than wallowing in my own anger. … America’s week-long national nightmare is finally over, because last Thursday, the Senate passed a resolution condemning MoveOn.org for the ad. This courageous legislation brings us to tonight’s ‘Word.’ Na Na-Na Na Na Na. Nation, our political leaders’ number one duty is to protect our soldiers [on screen: #1A: Fundraising]. This ad was a direct attack on General Petraeus. And nothing is more fragile than a four star general’s feelings [on screen: Except Unarmored Humvee]. … The bright side of all this is that MoveOn has inadvertently given us a devastating new weapon. We need to turn the destructive capability of name-calling on America’s enemies. From now on, we’re not fighting al Qaeda in Iraq, we’re fighting al Gaeda in the sack. That will smoke them out of their holes. And we still don’t know where Osama bin Laden is [on screen: Pakistan!] I mean, we’ve looked everywhere [on screen: Except Pakistan!]. If we call Osama bin Laden ‘Yo Mama’s Big Hard On,’ we could follow the sounds of sobbing to his secret cave [on screen: The One In Pakistan]. So, I think we all owe the Senate a debt of gratitude for reminding us that words can hurt [on screen: Also, Bullets]. And we need to protect our men. I’m sorry, our man [on screen: Gen. Petraeus] in uniform. Oh, and to Senator James Webb, whose proposal to give our troops more time at home between deployments was defeated by the Senate on Wednesday, Na Na-Na Na Na. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/24).
Conan O’Brien: “The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, ‘If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we’ll take a cab.’ … During his speech at Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad said his country ‘doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran.’ Which finally explains why Ahmadinejad gets away with wearing a windbreaker from 1983. … Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at a conference on global warming, and he said, ‘The time has come to stop looking back at the Kyoto Protocol.’ Afterwards, people said, ‘We didn’t solve anything, but it was really fun hearing Arnold say Kyoto Protocol.’ … This Saturday, President Bush will be on hand in Washington to celebrate the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. The president’s very excited about the festival, because he’s been named Cliffs Notes Man of the Year. … Vice President Cheney was recently asked who’s going to win the 2008 presidential election, and he said it could go either way. So I guess he means Larry Craig” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/24).
TOP TEN O.J. SIMPSON EXCUSES
10. It was a rare lapse in judgement.
9. Thought, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
8. Felt like committing a crime, but wasn’t in a “stabby” mood.
7. Honestly, I miss the prison lasagna.
6. Distraught after getting turned down for a hosting gig on “The View.”
5. Thought kidnapping would really round out my resume.
4. The real robbery is the mini-bar prices, am I right, people?
3. Too much soup.
2. Oh, like you never conducted a sting operation to steal back stolen sports memorabilia.
1. C’mon, it’s not like I killed somebody (CBS, 9/24).
Bill Maher: “Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the General Petraeus, he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That’s what your government did yesterday, they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun it in. And then they had oreos and braided each other’s hair. … And 22 Democrats voted for that, by the way. You know, I have to say, the Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn’t support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it. … The Democrat-controlled Congress’ approval rating is now somewhere between rectalage and that douchbag on the Internet who says leave Britney alone. … Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be. … But, come on, it’s not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. … Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now. … Iran’s president … wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, ‘No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani’s job.’ … Rudy says he is not going to go to the … ‘black debate’ this month with Tavis Smiley, and neither are the other Republican frontrunners. I think that’s just as well. I don’t think the Republicans are really that in tune with the black community, ’cause they asked Mitt Romney today what he thought of the Jena 6 and he said, ‘I prefer The Jackson 5.’ … Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, has a book coming out where he talks about George Bush. He said that Bush, the cowboy, is afraid of horses. Well actually, he’s not afraid of them, but he had a bad experience. Back in college, a horse defeated on him in a debate” (“Real Time,” HBO, 9/21).
Jay Leno: “It’s getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. … And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader. … The president of Iran … is coming to New York to address the United Nations. Why isn’t his name on the no-fly list? … And you don’t want to get stuck behind him in the security line. How long would that take? Actually, you know he’d go through the line in two minutes, but they’d strip search the 85-year-old grandmother standing behind him. … The Iranian President has been denied permission to go to Ground Zero. … He’s very angry about it. In fact, today he threatened to call a cab drivers strike. … When Scott Pelley … on ’60 Minutes’ told [Mahmoud Ahmadinejad] that the American people would be very insulted if he visited Ground Zero, the Iranian President disagreed. He said, ‘No. There are 300 million people in America with many different points of view. As opposed to Iran, which has 70 million people who aren’t allowed any point of view.’ … An MIT student named Star Simpson walked into Logan Airport in Boston today with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. … She said it was art, but of course they took it very seriously. Police were called. In fact, it got so scary, it actually scared Senator Larry Craig right out of the airport men’s room” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/21).
Conan O’Brien: “The White House has announced that during President Bush’s last year in office, he’s going to visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. Bush says he’s going to accomplish all this in one weekend by going to Epcot Center. … Last night, yet another Democratic presidential debate. … The Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/21).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Last night in Iowa, five of the six top Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the AARP. That’s a senior citizens organization. Barack Obama skipped it. He said he doesn’t like the way old people smell, so he stayed home” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/21).
Jay Leno: “The Iranian President … is coming to New York, but he’s been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him? … This guy’s got a lot of nerve. Did you see what he asked our government for today? He wants us to comp him front row seats to see ‘Jersey Boys.’ … Another person was tasered today during a John Kerry speech … not for being disruptive. I guess while listening to Kerry, the guy slipped into a coma. … In fact, when asked about that tasing incident the other day, John Kerry said at first he was for the tasing, but then he was against it. … It is now being reported that restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig is no longer using the Minneapolis airport when he flies from Idaho to Washington, DC. Instead he’s using Denver. He says Denver’s faster, more convenient and with 23 stalls. … Reporters at the Washington-based web site The Politico said that … Larry Craig’s return to the Capitol this week was ‘about as wanted as a mystery meat sandwich.’ … Which was what Craig was asking the undercover cop for. … There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium’s audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams’ conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration. … What’s going on with Dan Rather? … Dan Rather’s suing CBS for $70 million, claiming that the network where he worked for years forced him out a job. Hmm, you can get $70 million for that?” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/20).
Jon Stewart: “Just today, [Pres. Bush] gave a press conference to talk about an issue on everyone’s mind — health care. Specifically, this so-called SCHIP insurance bill. It’s a Democratic measure that would expand what children would be eligible for federally funded health insurance. And you know why that’s bad [on screen: Bush saying, ‘The SCHIP plan is an incremental step toward the goal of government run health care for every American’]. Oh my God, they’re gonna put Communism in our kids’ drinking water … and then inject them with the gay and load them on Michael Moore and float them to Cuba! … So obviously, the president has a better idea [on screen: Bush saying, ‘I believe the best approach is to put more power in the hands of individuals. By empowering people and their doctors…’]. Okay, I’m just going to stop him right there. … I think I figured out the disconnect here. I think I figured out the problem. ‘Empowering people and their doctors.’ See, he thinks the uninsured have doctors. … This year, the Democrats stormed into office with one pledge to the American people [on screen: pols saying the U.S. needs a new direction in Iraq]. Today! A new direction! It’s over! We’re getting out! Ugh, nine months later, that’s basically turned into this [on screen: Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) discussing his proposal to give military personnel more time at home between combat tours]. So we’ve gone from Iraq withdrawal to ‘would you like an extra weekend?’ When did the Democrats become Lionel Hutz? … Yesterday, the Webb amendment drew 56 votes for to just 44 against, meaning it lost … because the Senate is f—— crazy town! … Georgia’s Saxby Chambliss explained the rationale for the amendment’s defeat, saying, ‘If this amendment passes, what we are really going to be doing is subjecting our men and women to greater harm.’ Yes, just think of what could happen to our troops, were they allowed to spend more time at home — the touch football injuries they would incur, the endless watching of game and reality shows. … And really, how many days with one’s children can a man take” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/20).
Stephen Colbert: “This past weekend in Iraq, armed guards working for the private security contractor Blackwater allegedly killed somewhere between eight and 20 Iraqi citizens during what Blackwater says was an attack on a State Department convoy and what an Iraqi report says was a car running a traffic stop. … Unfortunately, the Iraqi government has jumped the gun and revoked Blackwater’s license and ordered them to leave the country. I think this is the wrong way to deal with this tragic incident. The right answer is not for the government to regulate private forces, it’s tonight’s ‘Word.’ Market forces. Face it. It’s hard to hold private military contractors like Blackwater accountable [on screen: Which Is Why We Hired Them]. … The only way to police a for-profit army like Blackwater is with free market forces, because the market polices itself [on screen: The Invisible Hand On The Trigger]. … And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/20).
Conan O’Brien: “Yet another presidential debate tonight. … Earlier tonight, the Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. It was just like the other debates, except the moderator asked the same question over and over. … Yesterday while in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for an expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘I believe it’s pronounced Nintendo.’ … Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, ‘Then I’m suing for $700 million.’ … Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him ‘Darth Vader.’ Cheney denied it and said, ‘Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don’t own a cape.’ … Yesterday, the Secretary of Education spoke to a group of school children in Cleveland. She told the students that if they got a good education, they can get the hell out of Cleveland” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/20).
Jay Leno: “At a John Kerry speech at the University of Florida, a student was asking the senator so many annoying questions that police tasered him. … Of course, people in Washington were stunned by this. What? John Kerry’s still giving speeches? … While the cops had him down, did you hear what he yelled to the police? He was yelling … ‘Don’t tase me bro.’ You know something, any time a white guy says the word ‘bro,’ he deserves to get tasered. … O.J. Simpson was released on bail today. … O.J. was charged with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon, of course, was O.J. … When the cops arrested O.J., they found him at the blackjack table trying to play the race card. … Tourists are flocking to Minneapolis to the bathroom where … Senator Larry Craig was arrested. It’s like a tourist attraction. People are actually going to the airport now to see it. In fact, today Senator Craig called it ‘The Happiest Place On Earth.’ They have a sign at the door: ‘Your stance must be this wide to get in.’ … Chuck Norris is over in Iraq visiting the troops. Today Chuck said the troop surge is working. Keep in mind, this is the same guy who said that whole Total Gym thing works too. … Former President Bill Clinton was in town last night. He was giving a speech at the home of a wealthy campaign contributor in Brentwood when the power went out. … L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was there too. Embarrassing moment — when the lights came back on … both of them had their hand on the same woman’s ass. … CNN’s Lou Dobbs will be off the air for two weeks after a tonsillectomy. I thought this was kind of mean. While he is recovering, CNN replaced him with an illegal immigrant. … A state senator from Nebraska is suing God. He said he is suing God for not stopping disasters. If God had the power to stop disasters, wouldn’t he do something about the Notre Dame football team?” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/19).
Jon Stewart: “Tonight we talk about the video we’ve all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I’ve seen, choose to be tasered. … The entire situation was an unfortunate combination of police overreaction and what appears to be student douchebagery. … 13 years after originally attempting to radically overhaul our nation’s health care system, Senator Clinton is back with a new plan, a plan being met with fresh derision [on screen: Newt Gingrich saying, ‘Let’s call this daughter of Hillary Care’]. Wouldn’t that be Chelsea Care? … CNN’s graphics department put it even more succinctly: ‘Why Is She Even Trying Again?’ Hey CNN, just ’cause you stopped doesn’t mean everyone else has to. … So Hillary offers a health care plan to a skeptical public. Well, there are worse Clinton mistakes she could be repeating. At least she isn’t involved in some campaign donor scandal like 1990’s allegations of shady fundraising from Asian American donors Johnny Chung and Charlie Trie. So that’s a relief because … okay, I’m being told we have some breaking news [on screen: news report that HRC is looking closely at its donor rolls after the case of the fugitive fundraiser Norman Hsu]. Fugitive fundraiser donating to Hillary is nothing to be proud of, but you don’t have to go on the lamb for it. Oh, I’m sorry, it turns out he was convicted on felony fraud charges 15 years ago. But they found him. Oh, how they found him [on screen: reports that Hsu was found ‘bare-chested, and in a fetal position’ on a train]. So he stood out from the average Amtrak passenger how?” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/19).
Stephen Colbert: “Following a John Kerry speech this Monday at the University of Florida, a student asked too many questions, forcing security to provide him with the answers [on screen: video of the tasering]. … Of course the mainstream media was horrified. … Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is about being tasered. It can’t be worse than when I wash my hair and blow dry it at the same time. … People are calling this incident a violent abuse of power. But this also has a silver lining … which is tonight’s ‘Word.’ Solitarity. … I don’t know whether the taser gentleman had a legitimate point to make or was just being an ass. We could debate that forever [on screen: Not Too Long, You’ll Get Tasered]. But folks, one thing you can’t argue is that his cause was joined by hoards of no one [on screen: Conscientious Ignorers]. … Today’s kids are so different. Instead of amassing people to march on Washington, they amass hits on a web site calling for a march on Washington [on screen: Followed By March On A Fridge]. … Make me proud, young people. Continue waging your protest from the polite distance of your home computers. Make the man wish he never visited your site. And if a fellow student is denied the right to speak, remember to the best way to stand shoulder to shoulder with him is by sitting alone in your seat [on screen: Solitarity]. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/19).
Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, ‘Wow. Now I really have done it all.’ … Yesterday during a speech, Jesse Jackson criticized Barack Obama, and said Obama’s been acting like he’s white. Obama said Jackson’s comments were hurtful, and they completely ruined his night at the Jimmy Buffett concert. … Yesterday a judge told Britney Spears she could lose custody of her children if she doesn’t improve her behavior. Britney Spears was furious, and told the judge, ‘I dare you to look me in the vagina and say that'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/19).
Jimmy Kimmel: “O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in prison for all this. Isn’t that something? You kill two people, you get nothing — but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life. … Britney Spears has some hurdles … of her own to clear. Yesterday, she was dropped by her manager, and dropped by her lawyer. She’s been dropped now almost as much as her children” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/19).
Jay Leno: “O.J. [Simpson]’s lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he’d be serving life for double murder right now. … In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I’ll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him. … Speaking of John Kerry, a University of Florida student was tasered after asking John Kerry about the 2004 election. … I believe this is the first time anyone’s ever been electrified at a John Kerry speech. … You probably saw the footage on the news. In fact, John Kerry was so shocked when it happened, he almost showed a facial expression. … Actually, to his credit, John Kerry said he did not want the kid tasered. He figured if he would just keep talking for a few more minutes, the student would have nodded off on his own. … In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W. Bush’s Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is his History, Math, Science. … President Bush has tapped retired federal judge Michael Mukasey … to replace Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Conservatives in Washington say Mukasey is a real ‘law and order’ guy. To which Bush said, ‘He was on that TV show, too?’ … The airport bathroom in Minneapolis where … Senator Larry Craig was arrested has become a tourist attraction. … Isn’t that unbelievable? See, when I travel, I like to go to the men’s rooms that the locals use, not some tourist trap” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/18).
Jon Stewart: “If the world’s off track, O.J. must come back. … But is it too late? Would a media so focused on elevating national discourse in this election cycle even notice? [on screen: multiple news reports that ‘whatever happens in Vegas doesn’t necessarily stay in Vegas’]. You did it, O.J. You’re a uniter. By the way, Las Vegas is now changing its slogan to ‘Las Vegas: No One Leaves This Room Motherf—–.’ … In other news, Friday marked Alberto Gonzales’ last day as attorney general. … On his last day, Gonzales received a full-scale send-off from whatever souls happened to survive his stewardship at the Justice Department [on screen: Acting dir. Michael Sullivan saying, ‘When you think of the attorney general, three words come to mind’]. Three words come to mind … I know! [on screen: Gonzales saying, ‘I don’t recall’]. I don’t recall. No, that’s not it. But it will come to me, Alberto. Oh, it’s coming to me. Three words [on screen: Sullivan saying, ‘Discipline, duty and honor’]. No, that’s not it. I guess I don’t recall. … But there were other tributes to the attorney general that could also be seen as humorously leading [on screen: DEA admin. Karen Tandy saying, ‘History will capture all of the extraordinary records that you set in the area of drugs’]. Indeed, one of those records Gonzales has now done to promote more short-term memory loss than any other Hispanic American, breaking the old mark held by Cheech. … It was time for Gonzales’ own words, his farewell address. Now obviously, if I may, I’d like to add a personal sentiment here. We’ve used the attorney general’s lack of candor, his use of the phrase ‘I don’t recall’ to reduce him to an amnesiac character. But as you go, Alberto, can you, for me, make one more jaw-droppingly ironic reference to it … for me? [on screen: Gonzales saying, ‘I stand before you today sincerely grateful for the many wonderful memories I have as attorney general’]. You don’t remember any of it!” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/18).
Stephen Colbert: “At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is ‘dying at the box office.’ And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made ‘Jingle All The Way.’ Governor Schwarzenegger’s speech shows just how hard things have become for California Republicans. Luckily, there’s a way to fight back, and it’s tonight’s ‘Word.’ Let my people go. The California Republican Party is oppressed and discriminated against. Just look at the polls. Every presidential election year, the state’s 55 electoral college votes go to the Democratic candidate just because more people voted for him [on screen: Or, In ’08, Her]. … This system of winner takes all the electoral votes disenfranchises the California Republicans [on screen: Though Many Own Franchises]. … California, do the right thing. Stand up for your oppressed minority. It’s the right thing to do [on screen: And The Only Way Republicans Can Win]. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/18).
Conan O’Brien: “One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won’t press charges. In exchange, O.J. has promised not to double murder the man. … Yesterday, Senator John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said being tasered in the chest was still better than sitting through an entire Kerry speech. … This week, doctors began doing an autopsy on a man they thought was dead, and as the procedure began, he came back to life. You can hear all about it tomorrow night, when the man goes back to hosting ‘Larry King Live'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/18).
Jimmy Kimmel: “I appreciate the enthusiasm, but you know you’re stuck here for the whole hour, right? … I’m holding you like O.J. in a hotel room. … The story is O.J. convinced five other guys … to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, ‘You can’t steal-a your own memorabilia.’ … So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed. … Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says … George Bush is the cockiest guy he’s ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept demanding to meet the Taco Bell chihuahua. … Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/18).
Jay Leno: “They say O.J. [Simpson] was involved in a robbery at a Las Vegas casino. … He was at The Palms, which is the same hotel where Britney Spears sang in the MTV Awards. That makes two failed comebacks in the same week. … O.J. Simpson said he was in Vegas with some golf buddies for a wedding, and one of the guys just happened to have a gun. Really? Who goes golfing with a gun? … Robert Blake? And second of all, who invites O.J. to their wedding? … Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced that he believes the United States is making progress in Iraq, thanks to the troop surge. He said he also would support sending more Americans over to Iraq, starting with that cop who arrested him in the men’s room. … Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there’s one thing she knows, it’s how to spot a guy who’s lying. … Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a new law that says kids under 18 cannot use cell phones while driving, unless it’s an emergency. Is that going to work? They’re teenagers, isn’t everything an emergency to them? … Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/17).
Conan O’Brien: “Everybody today talking about Mr. O.J. Simpson. … O.J. Simpson was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, ‘I’ve still got it.’ … Apparently, after O.J. was taken into custody, he was questioned by police. He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there’s no way he committed the crime because it’s not murdery enough. … In a new book, Mexico’s former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush’s Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush’s feelings weren’t hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish. … Today, the director of National Intelligence asked Congress to expand the government’s power to read people’s e-mails and spy on their phone conversations. The Intelligence Director admitted he got the idea from the New England Patriots. … The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/17).
Bill Maher: “How many saw the president’s speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see ‘Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader’ for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: ‘Return on Success.’ Sounds like a Dr. Phil book. … Of course this is all coming from General Petraeus — Petraeus Maximus. He testified before Congress and, of course, he said the surge is working. Although he emphasized, not on a Jewish holiday. … He said we want to draw down troops, 30,000 troops, by next May. Of course, we just sent in 30,000 troops. So you send in 30,000 and you take away 30,000 — it’s called Operation Bulemia. … Did you see Britney at the show? I don’t want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her. Oh, I kid Rudy with love, because he is on the attack against Hillary Clinton. Have you seen this? He accused her of spitting venom at General Petraeus, and he paid for a full-page ad in the New York Times. He must miss the days when he was the mayor of New York, and the New York Times would have to print his bulls#%t for free. … He’s attacking Hillary Clinton for refusing to attack MoveOn.org for attacking General Petraeus. And, listen to this, General Petraeus was once stationed in Egypt, the birthplace of Omar Sharif, who once did ‘McKenna’s Gold’ with Eli Wallach, who was in ‘Mystic River’ with Kevin Bacon” (“Real Time,” HBO, 9/14).
Jay Leno: “President Bush addressed the nation last night on this troop situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a limited pullout. I don’t know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for you? A limited pullout? … Did you know last night’s presidential speech was the first one broadcast in Hi-Def? And again, I don’t think President Bush quite understands what that means. If fact, when they told him it was Hi-Def, he said, ‘Oh great. Does that mean we don’t need that lady with the sign language up in the corner anymore? … Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced that he believes the United States is making progress in Iraq, thanks to the troop surge. And after he made the announcement, the guy in the next stall said, ‘You want to keep it down, buddy?'” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/14).
David Letterman: “The state of Texas found, what they believe to be, is the last known letter written by Davy Crockett. They believe that it was a love note to Joan Rivers. … Kathy Lee Gifford returned to Regis’ program earlier today to celebrate their twentieth anniversary. … You remember, Kathy Lee had to leave the show when she became involved in dog-fighting. … But it was great to have Kathy Lee back on the show, it was as if she never left. In fact, they told Regis she never left” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/14).
Conan O’Brien: “Last night, President Bush addressed the nation with a speech about Iraq. The speech aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots. … In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I think they’re taking his advice, too, because today, Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/14).
Jimmy Kimmel: “There was some O.J. Simpson news today. You’re not gonna believe this, but he might be in trouble with the law. … Police are investigating whether O.J. and five other men — men he met at a wedding earlier that night — broke into a room and stole a bunch of O.J.-related memorabilia. O.J. says it wasn’t a crime because the memorabilia was stolen from him in the first place — he says he was just conducting a sting operation. … I love the idea that O.J. met five guys at a wedding and convinced them to be part of his sting operation. Very ‘Ocean’s 11.’ … US Weekly is saying that Britney Spears is in talks to appear on the [Emmys] to apologize for her MTV Video Music Awards performance. That seems like a good idea. They should definitely get her back on live TV as soon as possible” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/14).
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN AN EMMY
10. You’ve been described as Hasselhoff-esque.
9. It’s a reality show about people looking for a good deal on patio furniture.
8. There is no “Outstanding CSI Corpse” category.
7. Once a week you get your ass kicked on one of them Mexican talk shows.
6. Only laugh you’ve heard all year was when the judges received your ballot.
5. Hoping to get nominated for writing Osama’s latest hate-fueled rant.
4. Show is just YouTube video of you getting hit in nuts.
3. Your show is even more confusing than “Lost.”
2. Only appearance on television this year was Maury informing you that you’re a daddy.
1. Your name is Regis (CBS, 9/17).
Jay Leno: “Osama bin Laden has released yet another video. … Remember he had a gray beard before? In his new video, he has a black beard. A lot of people say the reason he dyed his beard black was it made it easier to meet goats. … In his new video, Osama bin Laden is urging all Americans to convert to Islam because there are no taxes in his world. … There are no taxes in Wesley Snipes’ world either, and that’s a lot more fun. … Actually, things aren’t going that well for bin Laden. Intelligence experts say he’s lost much of his power over al Qaeda. But it turns out, he got one of the subprime loans years ago. He could lose the cave. … Earlier tonight, President Bush gave a historic speech on the war in Iraq. Of course, most Americans are going, ‘Nevermind that. Did you see Britney?’ … This week, General Petraeus has been testifying before Congress and today, a number of senators accused General Petraeus of lying. You’ve gotta understand why they’re upset. If you are going to deceive the American people, you do it the right way … you run for Congress. … Newt Gingrich has hinted he may run for president [audience boos]. And the American people just hinted he may lose. … Yesterday was ‘Sex Day’ in Russia. Government officials have encouraged the people of Russia to take the day off from work and have sex in an effort to increase their population. … They told people to take the day off from work. That’s the difference between our governments right there. In our country, our government officials have sex right there on the job. … The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday’s game by videotaping opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals. This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Senator Larry Craig got caught in that men’s room. … On this day in 1977, Billy Crystal appeared on the TV sitcom ‘Soap’ as the first openly gay character on television. And today, Senator Larry Craig said, ‘I never watched that show'” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/13).
David Letterman: “Happy Rosh Hashanah! … Today, down in Washington, DC, a confused President Bush carved a pumpkin. … Earlier today, President Bush announced to the nation that he promised to have Lindsay Lohan out of rehab next summer. … Here’s some sad news. … According to a new study, gorillas are almost extinct. … The situation is serious. It’s grave. Earlier today, the governor of California was placed in a captive breeding program” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/13).
Jon Stewart: “We last left General Petraeus testifying before the House of Representatives, but on Tuesday, he traveled to the Senate, the George to the House’s Lenny. And Senator Joe Biden wanted to let the general know that the rules would be a little different uptown [on screen: Biden saying, ‘It’s overwhelming in your interest to make your answers shorter if you can, in order for people to ask you questions’]. Yeah, we brought you in for questioning, general, not answering. … Clearly, Democrats are firmly lined up against the war. The question is, how are the Republicans feeling? How far right do you have to go to find some support? Chuck Hagel, you’re conservative and still a maverick, what you do you think? [on screen: Hagel saying, ‘Are we going to continue to invest American blood and treasure at the same rate we’re doing now, for what? The president said let’s buy time. Buy time? For what?’] Find more treasure? … Does anyone there even have a qualified statement of support. And, by the way, you’re allowed to make it a fictitious hypothetical. Senator DeMint, South Carolina? [on screen: DeMint saying, ‘I frankly believe that if Iraq was located anywhere else in the world, that a functioning democracy would likely emerge in the relatively short term’]. The problem with Iraq is it’s in Iraq” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/13).
Stephen Colbert: “Whenever I pass a newsstand, I always check the cover of Time magazine to see if I’m on it. But when I saw a recent cover, ‘The Secret Life of Mother Teresa,’ I was immediately worried it involved an airport bathroom. Turns out, it is much worse. Recently disclosed letters written by the beatified nun, reveal that Mother Teresa spent ‘almost 50 years without sensing the presence of God in her life.’ 50 years! And judging from this photo, that’s like a third of her life” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/13).
Conan O’Brien: “Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. … In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don’t know Hillary has the world’s best laugh. Bill added, ‘I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.’ … Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech to the nation about Iraq. In it, Bush promised to have the troops home by speech #73. … Yesterday, it was ‘Conception Day’ in Russia, where Russians were encouraged to have sex in order to increase their population. In the spirit of international cooperation, America sent Charlie Sheen. … The Trojan Condom Company announced that it is donating 350,000 condoms to the city of Washington, DC. The DC condoms come in two sizes — regular and Washington Monument” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/13).
Jimmy Kimmel: “President Bush addressed the nation tonight. President Bush, in the last couple of weeks, has fallen in love with a man named General Petraeus. All he talks about is General Petraeus. … They say it was a crucial speech, one that could determine the future of the war. Aides say the president went through at least 20 drafts of this speech before he delivered it, and still he has no idea what it means … something about Iraq and a lot about General Petraeus” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/13).
TOP TEN THINGS BILLY BOB THORNTON WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO AMERICA (as read by Billy Bob Thornton)
10. I was drunk when I agreed to do this list.
9. Fact: If it’s not bacon, it needs to get off my plate.
8. I hope all that money doesn’t change Leona Helmsley’s dog.
7. It’s not easy being the most famous guy on the planet named Billy Bob.
6. I based my character in “Sling Blade” on Letterman.
5. I always split aces and eights.
4. Even I find myself a little strange.
3. I have a tattoo of Martha Stewart on my ass.
2. I traded my Academy Award for a chimpanzee named Marty.
1. People ask if there are any projects I’ve done that I regret. You’re looking at it (CBS, 9/13).
Jay Leno: “Happy Rosh Hashanah! … This is the first night of the Jewish holiday. I’m not sure President Bush really understands Jewish holidays. Like today, he kept asking his staff when he could start looking for the painted eggs. … With most of the country against the war, our top military man in Iraq, General Petraeus, says he does not know if the war is making us safer. … In fact, for a lot people, it’s more dangerous … like Republicans. … Yesterday, Petraeus gave his progress report on Iraq to Congress. Many of the senators commented to the general. Senator Barbara Boxer said Petraeus was overly optimistic; Mel Martinez of Florida thanked the general; Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said, ‘There’s something about a man in uniform.’ … A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman. … Senator Vitter is denying this woman’s allegations. Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? I’ve gotta go with the hooker. … Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/12).
David Letterman: “Senator Larry Craig wants to withdraw his plea. He pleaded guilty. … And I was thinking what he should have withdrawn was his foot from the other guy’s stall. … Yesterday, General Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate. After the testimony, Senator Craig said, ‘You may not know this, general, but right now I’m saluting you'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/12).
Jon Stewart: “Last weekend, Democratic presidential hopefuls went to Miami for the first ever [Univision Spanish-language debate]. The debate followed a unique format. First, the [debate questioners] asked a question in Spanish, which was then translated into English and piped into the candidates’ earpieces. They would then answer in English, which would then be translated back into Spanish, giving this debate format all the nonstop excitement of regular debate with two extra unnecessary steps. … Although it was a Spanish-language debate, a broad range of questions were posed, like ‘Where do you stand on immigration reform?’, and ‘Immigration: Si or No?’, and ‘Hey, what are you hearing about this whole immigration thing?’, and ‘How do you feel about this whole same-sex marriage? Please form your answer in talking about immigration.’ … Despite the forum drawing four and a half million viewers, Univision cancelled the debate’s Republican counterpart scheduled for this Sunday because only John McCain agreed to attend. And the way things are going for John McCain, he still would have lost” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/12).
Stephen Colbert: “Philadelphia Daily News columnist Stu Bykofsky wrote an editorial last month entitled, ‘To Save America, We Need Another 9/11.’ He even suggested some targets for al Qaeda, like the Golden Gate Bridge, Mount Rushmore and Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Do not be so humble, Mr. Bykofsky, you’re clearly enough of a patriot that your house belongs on that list. Call me crazy, but I don’t think we need another attack to re-establish post-9/11 unity. All we need is tonight’s ‘Word.’ Re-run. Yesterday, MSNBC … finally did something right. For over three hours, they re-aired their unedited coverage of the morning of September 11, 2001. Thank you, MSNBC! We have all wanted to relive that morning [on screen: Like ESPN Classic For Terrorism]. Watching every horrific moment over my banana smoothie was a rare opportunity to re-experience emotions of that day … emotions that brought us together [on screen: At The Giant Flag Store]. Six years later, we have turned against each other and lost sight of the ones who attacked us — Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction. … Some may say that airing hours of unedited real life horror is needlessly painful, but I say it is needfully painful … so long as MSNBC also airs the unedited coverage from September 12th, 2001, and then from September 13th, and so on every day for 14 months. Who wouldn’t want to relive those days? [on screen: Colin Powell]. … And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/12).
Conan O’Brien: “The New England Patriots have been accused of cheating during last weekend’s game by video taping the signals the New York Jets coach was giving. As a result, the Patriots now know the Jets’ signs for ‘fumble,’ ‘give up a touchdown,’ and ‘lose.’ … Yesterday, General David Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Senator Larry Craig took 73 bathroom breaks. … Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up two prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/12).
TOP TWELVE REASONS I LOVE RACING as read by the drivers competing in the NASCAR Nextel Cup)
12. We’ve got special mirrors that show objects the size they actually are.
11. Sometimes back in the garage there’s horseplay with the airhose.
10. Between the G-Forces and the fumes, I’m loopy most of the season.
9. Switch the “R” and “C” in “Racing” and you get “Caring.”
8. Can hold 8 gigs of music on my new iHelmet.
7. In a pinch, checkered flags make a lovely tablecloth.
6. Two more wins and I get to marry Ashley Judd.
5. You can talk to your car and pretend you’re David Hasselhoff.
4. How many people can say their “office” goes 200 miles per hour?
3. Driving fast and starting fights.
2. It’s not one of those sports you have to inject stuff in your ass to be good.
1. Unlike most guys, I like it when my wife says, “You’re too fast” (CBS, 9/12).
Jay Leno: “I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. … For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus. … Have you seen those new pictures of Osama bin Laden from his new video with the black beard? What’s that? It looks like an ad for that new comedy show ‘Cavemen.’ … In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam ’cause there are no taxes. He’s now running third in Iowa. … Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he’ll throw in a free prayer rug. … Restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig said today the only reason he plead guilty to that incident in the Minneapolis airport bathroom was because he was being hounded by reporters investigating rumors that he was gay. And what better way to shoot down those rumors, really. … It’s not just the Republicans. In Tennessee, Democratic state Representative … Rob Briley, the chair of the Judiciary Committee, got drunk, fled the scene of the accident, led police on a 100-mile-per-hour chase, and when the cops pulled their guns on him, he demanded he finish his drink. He’s now being charged with impersonating a Hollywood celebrity. It’s very serious. … A Northern California carpenter who likes to work in the nude has been acquitted of lewd conduct. The judge believed his explanation that he liked to work naked to avoid getting his clothes dirty. And today, Senator Craig hired him to build an addition on his house” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/11).
David Letterman: “Earlier today was the big Iraq report. General Petraeus said the troops can start coming home next summer. … I believe his exact words were, ‘And then it’s Hillary’s mess.’ … The general testified yesterday before the Senate. After listening to him, Senator Larry Craig said, ‘I’m feeling a surge of my own.’ … Senator Craig from Idaho is blaming the media for his guilty plea, especially that cute guy from the Associated Press. … Rosie O’Donnell also has a brand new book. … In the book, there’s three chapters about Bush, and there’s another one about the president” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/11).
Jon Stewart: “For a long time now, we’ve wanted to figure out whether or not our strategy in Iraq is working, whether there were signs of progress or perhaps forces there beyond our control. The time to do that hasn’t been right, but I feel it coming [on screen: pols and media figures saying they are waiting for Gen. Petraeus’ progress report]. … While this man, this general clearly named for the Greek God of progress assessing, his powers have not always been so great. For instance, six weeks before the 2004 presidential election, General Petraeus wrote a Washington Post op-ed about the Iraq war that was so upbeat, you would have thought the insurgency was in its last throws. I certainly hope that one incredibly relevant to the story here mistake won’t cause pundits and politicians to be too cautious in their assessments of the general [on screen: pundits and pols singing Petraeus’ praises and calling him a ‘miracle-worker’]. Yes, it’s been said he can turn water into bottled water. … The general raises a key point. We keep hearing from President Bush how the surge is meeting its military objectives, but we need more time. Well, yesterday, the good general was whistling a different tune [on screen: Petraeus testifying that the surge is meeting its military objectives, but we need more time]. My God, the president’s been right the whole time. … This wasn’t just a guesses and estimations type thing. The general had hard data. He backed up his arguments with real numbers, charts of sectarian death, graphs of car bombs, tables of troop levels because it’s an important reminder that our troops and the Iraqis aren’t just fathers, sons, mothers and sisters, they’re also statistics. Remember that” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/11).
Stephen Colbert: “Right off the bat, I have to address something that I saw in the New York Times yesterday. Take a look at this ad, a full-page ad from MoveOn.org: ‘General Petraeus or General Betray-Us?’ Folks, this unforgivable. ‘General Betray-Us’? Really? You liberals have all of Hollywood at your fingertips, and that’s the best taunt you can come up with? What about ‘General Butt-Gay-Us?’ That would really call his testimony into question. See, as a child, I worked so hard to create the most powerful playground put downs our school had ever heard. Teachers feared me and I am ashamed to see my art treated so shabbily by MoveOn.org. … So watch and learn, MoveOn.org. Or, should I say PoopStupid.Poop? … Now one man the Lefties are not going to mess with is former Tennessee Senator and pretend Admiral Fred Thompson, who last week officially announced he was running for president. Who saw that coming? You could have knocked me over with his remaining hair. Now Thompson announced the same way Lincoln did … on his website [on screen: Thompson saying, ‘Just within the next few years, some very serious challenges are moving toward us that will present a difficult and dangerous time in the life of our nation. There are grave issues affecting the safety and security of the American people, and our economic well-being’]. In the next few years, serious challenges, dangerous time, grave issues. No other candidate has not quite said what America might possibly face more eloquently than Fred Thompson” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/11).
Conan O’Brien: “Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus’ answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus’ use of the word ‘surgerrific.’ … Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they’re saying that Bush doesn’t know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he’ll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/11).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Idaho Senator and Minneapolis airport toilet aficionado Larry Craig was in court yesterday trying to withdraw his guilty plea for disorderly conduct. He wants to change it, I guess, to extra guilty. … Intelligence officials believe that video of Osama bin Laden that came out last week is authentic. This is his first new tape in almost three years. I guess he wanted to time his comeback to coincide with Britney Spears'” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/11).
Jay Leno: “I guess you know the big story. General Petraeus says he believes Iraq has gotten better … but unfortunately, Britney Spears has gotten worse. … Osama bin Laden has released a new video. Plus, he has updated his eHarmony profile. … In his latest video, Osama bin Laden urges all Americans to reject democracy and convert to Islam. Well, I can see that happening. Is this guy living in a cave? … No, bin Laden said he wants Americans to convert to Islam … because there are no taxes in his world. Which is true. There’s also no music, no ice, no books … and from the looks of bin Laden, no toothpaste or deodorant either. … While he was in Australia, President Bush accidentally referred to Australian troops as Austrian troops. And he called it the OPEC summit instead of APEC summit. Even though he made a lot of mistakes … he still got a congratulatory phone call from Miss Teen South Carolina. … Here’s an interesting story: President Bush got in a very testy exchange with the president of South Korea over North Korea. … The South Korean President wants the U.S. government to officially end the Korean War, which was 55 years ago. We never officially ended that war. … But you know President Bush, he doesn’t like setting timetables. … According to University of Minnesota, buildings and ruins with high dome ceilings help people think better and help them think smarter. They say the bigger the dome ceiling, the smarter people in it think. You think that’s true? Explain Congress! … Have you heard the latest on men’s room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? … He has taken back his guilty plea. … He’s changed it to just curious. … Have you heard his defense? … Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution — and this is true — a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom. … It’s kind of ironic. The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop. … But he did say today that if he is found guilty, he would be willing to do some kind of community service. You know, like picking up papers in the men’s room. … Former Senator Fred Thompson, who announced he’s a presidential candidate on our show last week, is out on the campaign trail. … Thompson’s wife is a very attractive woman. She is 24 years younger than he is. In fact, he’s got four Secret Service agents keeping an eye on the two Secret Service agents who are keeping an eye on her” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/10).
David Letterman: “How about that new video from Osama bin Laden? … In the video, he condemns U.S. corporations and globalization. And he also says that he thinks Tina Fey looks better with glasses. … Critics and insiders are saying that bin Laden’s new video is only a sad attempt to try to stay relevant. That’s the same thing they said about me going on ‘Oprah.’ … Everybody’s talking about the MTV Awards. … Did anybody see Britney Spears? … They said that she appeared sluggish. They said she was glassy-eyed. Sounds to me like somebody could use another hour in rehab. … Although, General Petraeus thought it went quite well” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/10).
Jon Stewart: “We are back, baby, from a two-week break. Man, it was such a great break and thank God that while we were on break, we didn’t miss any inherently funny scandals. … The first day Senator Craig gets busted at a gay sex sting. … I didn’t feel badly not having the Senator Craig gay sex thing to cover, because I’ll tell you why — it didn’t feel like a ‘Daily Show’ story to me. … Wait, I’m sorry, I’m being told it’s the only reason this show exists. … Unfortunately, two weeks is a lifetime. To talk about the story now, it would take some sort of tortured logic to even justify doing a larger segment on it. If there were only some new developments today … [on screen: reports that Craig will file court papers to withdraw his guilty plea]. Excellent. … And so, thank you, senator. … Today, General David Petraeus … began his long-awaited testimony before Congress on the status of the Iraq surge. In anticipation of the hearings, President Bush has been shoring up support for his Iraq policy. That is why on Labor Day in route to a summit in Australia, he made an unannounced stop in Anbar province, Iraq, stopping at the Anbar Province Regional Airport. Lord knows what the signals for gay sex are there. … Why Iraq? Why now? Well, as the president explained, ‘I have come to see with my own eyes the remarkable changes that are taking place in Anbar province.’ He’s not looking with other people’s eyes, he’s looking with his. … In all, Bush was in Iraq for a total of six hours, all of it within the 17-mile perimeter of the highly-secured Al Asad airbase. His take away? [on screen: Bush saying, ‘When you stand on the ground here in Anbar and hear from the people who live here, you can see what the future of Iraq can look like’]. A giant, heavily-armed U.S. military base surrounded by a bloody sectarian free for all. He’s a dreamer” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/10).
Rob Corddry, on the complex “language” used in men’s bathrooms: “Wingtips mean you’re a married man; socks with sandals means this is your first time. Oh, and … anyone in those brightly-colored plastic Crocs — that means anything goes. … And that’s just not in bathrooms. Anytime you see anyone wearing Crocs, be aware” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 9/10).
Stephen Colbert: “Nation, we’ve been off the air for two weeks. … I did miss a lot of news. For instance, Tony Snow resigned. I can’t blame him. He can make five times as much money saying the exact same stuff on Fox News. … Also, Alberto Gonzales announced he is leaving. … I know, I know. But we will all still have our memories, except for Alberto Gonzales. … Of course, the resignations were overshadowed by the saga of Idaho Senator Larry Craig [on screen: Craig saying, ‘I am not gay. I’ve never been gay’]. Evidently, the senator was arrested for being gay. Good for you, Minnesota. Throw the book at him. Oops, I’m sorry. I meant to say press the charges. Throwing a book, of course, is a gay signal … like everything else you do with a book. … Today, Congress dragged good man General David Petraeus back to Washington to testify on the surge. He had some very nice charts. They do a bang-up job at the Baghdad Kinko’s. … I personally don’t know why they needed Petraeus. The president had already issued an executive summary on Iraq last Tuesday in Australia, saying, ‘We’re kicking ass.’ It’s like a three-word Gettysburg address. … But the Negative Nellies would rather focus on the GAO’s report last week that said that Iraq has not met 11 of the 18 benchmarks. See, they’re already doing better than our public schools. All this testimony and analysis says to me that we’re losing sight of why we started this war in the first place … because it felt right. But there’s a way to get back on track, and it’s tonight’s ‘Word.’ Honor-bound. In last week’s Republican debate, I saw something that gave me hope … and it wasn’t just Mitt Romney’s jawline [on screen: Mike Huckabee arguing with Ron Paul that the GOP should not lose its honor, even if the party loses elections]. Now I blame myself for this fight. I have given both Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul what statisticians call the ‘Colbert Bump,’ which set them both on course to the White House. Now that course has become a collision course [on screen: Huckabee Might Want That Weight Back]. I, of course, just have to choose one of them. Now, Ron Paul said things that thunk right in my headbum, but Huckabee said something that felt right in my gut [on screen: Huckabee using the term ‘honor’ numerous times]. … The debate now is whether we should leave Iraq, and the best way to debate that is to use the word ‘honor’ because that ends the debate. No one wants to be dishonored [on screen: Check Craigslist]. … But honor is a powerful tool. We can’t just let anybody use it. Huckabee won this argument because he was the first to claim that his position was honorable. It’s like calling shot-gun, only with a whole army [on screen: I Call ‘Body Armor!’]. Mike Huckabee knows that once Americans have been told that the honorable thing is for America to fight for its honor, they are honor-bound [on screen: Honor-Bound]. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/10).
Conan O’Brien: “Big day on Capitol Hill today. … General Petraeus testified before Congress. He said, ‘The military objectives of surge are in large measure being met.’ A lot of people doubt Petraeus’ credibility ’cause he also testified that Britney Spears was great on last night’s MTV Awards. … Senator Larry Craig is now saying that his constitutional rights were violated when he was arrested in an airport’s men’s room. Craig was furious. He said, ‘When I got to a men’s room, I do the violating.’ … The state of Arkansas says it has successfully reduced the number of obese people in that state. Apparently, Arkansas did this by throwing a twinkie over the Missouri border” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/10).
TOP TEN BRITNEY SPEARS EXCUSES
10. You try and perform after 8 margaritas.
9. I haven’t been myself since Phil Rizzuto died.
8. Too much soup.
7. I was distraught after reading General Petraeus’s Iraq report.
6. Fighting a nasty case of wig rash.
5. How can people focus on this when Leona Helmsley left $12 million to a dog?
4. Eddie Brill said the audience was people from out-of-town.
3. Uh … global warming.
2. Preoccupied looking for my next husband.
1. Wanted to get myself on Oprah like Dave (CBS, 9/10).
Bill Maher: “President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don’t know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention … he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French, he said. Now yesterday he was in Australia, and listen to this. A TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush’s hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him. Now the real Bin Laden, he made a video, it came out today. He’s up there with Kanye West and 50 cent, he’s going for that 9/11 market. But in Bin Laden’s video, the real Bin Laden said if Americans want the war in Iraq to end, they must convert to Islam. Well, I mean, between that and waiting for the Democrats to end it, I say go with Islam. … Obviously Bin Laden follows the news over here, because he said Americans are reeling from a mortgage crisis, which is true. People don’t know this, Bin Laden used to work for Afghanistan’s biggest real estate agency: Century 12. … And listen to this, in the video he appears to be wearing a fake beard. That’s why Bush can’t find him, he is cunningly disguised himself as Osama Bin Laden. No, last time we saw him he had a grey beard. Either it’s a fake beard, or he’s dyed his beard black. This guy has gone Hollywood, it’s true. Because at the end of the video, he says ‘Mel Gibson, call me.'” … But all of this is very good news for Senator Larry Craig of Idaho because now he’s not the only guy in the headlines with a beard. … At first he said he was going to quit, then he said he’s not going to quit, now he said he’s going to quit again. He wants to fight for his right to potty. You go girl! … See this is why Republicans are falling in love with Fred Thompson, … because when Fred Thompson goes to a men’s room, it’s because he has an enlarged prostate. … Now there is a new biography of President Bush out, have you heard this? Where it says the president cries a lot. The president said, ‘I do tears.’ So lets see, he’s impulsive, he’s stubborn, he’s weepy. Sorry Hillary, apparently we already have our first female president. … So Luciano Pavarotti died, very sad. President Bush said this was a sad day for music, though personally his favorite opera singer is Meatloaf” (“Real Time,” HBO, 9/7).
Jay Leno: “The Indianapolis Colts beat the New Orleans Saints 41 to 10. I’d say people in New Orleans haven’t been this dissapointed since last week when President Bush visited them. … Osama Bin Laden is set to release yet another video tape, … he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he’s still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones. … Do you notice his beard is now black? Didn’t it used to be gray? Forget Mideast crisis, I think he’s having a mid-life crisis. You know what he’s using? I guess this is what they use over there in the Mideast: Just For Nutjobs. … Very excited, Senator Fred Thompson’s little brother Dr. Phil on the show tonight. … Did you know this? Interesting story, Senator Thompson married his first wife when he was 17, and, ironically, married his second wife when she was 17. … When Fred Thompson was in school I guess he was known for tossing ice in the cafeteria, making paper airplanes, … which, ironically, is the exact same thing that President Bush does now at cabinet meetings. … Well at the big summit meeting in Australia, Bush called the APEC conference the OPEC conference, he called Australian troops Austrian troops, and then left the stage the wrong way. So he’s given the wrong information when he got there, he stumbled when he was there, and couldn’t figure out how to leave. It’s like Iraq all over again. … And also at the summit in Australia, President Bush said we’re ‘kicking ass’ in Iraq. Is that the kind of language the President should be using, kicking ass? Which kind of sums up where Washington is right now. The president wants to kick ass, Congress trying to kiss ass, and Senator Craig trying to grab ass. … A spokesman for the Senator said today that yes, he will resign after all. So apparently he had the same problem he had in the men’s room: nobody to give him a hand. … But actually, Senator Craig quite philosophical about the whole thing. He said, when you close one bathroom stall door, another one opens up” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/7).
David Letterman: “School started, kids are back in school, and parents are warning their kids: do not, do not talk to strange Senators. … How about that poor Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, oh my god, I’m telling you, I wouldn’t give this guy’s troubles to a monkey on a rock. He resigned from the Senate and someone will now have to fill the Senator’s seat. And I’m thinking, isn’t that what got him in this mess to begin with?” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/7).
Conan O’Brien: “Big news in the ’08 presidential race, Fred Thompson, y’all heard he’s now in the race, … and he just unveiled his campaign slogan, his campaign slogan is: ‘United in our core beliefs.’ Yeah, if the slogan’s a hit, Thompson plans to unveil another one: ‘United in our core beliefs: Special Victims Unit.” … This week President Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to attend the 2008 summer Olympics in China. … Yeah, Bush told the the Chinese president ‘I’m busy next year, but pencil me in for the 2009 summer Olympics.’ … Speaking of President Bush, a new biography quotes Bush, this is true, as saying he would never discriminate against someone based on their ‘gaydom or gayhood.’ Bush goes on to say, ‘that’s the price we pay for living in a gayocracy.’ … Well a new video has emerged from Osama Bin Laden. And it’s strange, it appears Bin Laden’s now dying his beard to look younger. … Yea, at first people were unsure why Bin Laden wanted to look younger, but then today he joined Match.com. … Larry Craig, this thing will not away. I don’t mean him, … I meant the whole story. Legal experts say that Larry Craig may try to have his guilty plea overturned because he didn’t have an attorney present at the time. … To prevent this from happening in the future, Craig now brings at least one attorney into each bathroom stall. … A new novelty item is now being sold. Get this, it’s a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that cracks nuts between its legs. Yea, Hillary calls the nutcracker silly, and Bill Clinton calls it chillingly lifelike” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/7).
Jimmy Kimmel: “President Bush had a big day of dumbness yesterday. He was in Sydney, Australia for the APEC summit. That’s a gathering of 21 countries that are responsible for half the world’s trade, and he started off by saying he was happy to be at the OPEC summit, which is an entirely different thing. Then he called Australians Austrians, at the end of the speech he went the wrong way and almost fell off the stage, somebody had to grab him. It was really a banner day for the president. With Karl Rove gone, the president is like a slightly-inbred golden retriever that slipped off it’s leash. … Meanwhile, our real leader, Oprah Winfrey, is hard at work. … So far on the Republican side there has been no Oprah-caliber type supporter. In fact, it may be time to start whittling some of these candidates down. For instance, Kansas Senator Sam Brownback is running for president. He spoke to a group this week at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics and, um, actually, they just barely qualified as a group. … So there were 16 people there to see, it was like a WNBA playoff game” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/7).
Jay Leno: “While the Republicans had their 789th debate last night, the big issue of course was the war in Iraq. The candidates were split over it, some Republicans were in favor of it, and other Republicans were really, really in favor of it. … In fact, last night on our show, Fred Thompson announced he strongly supports the war in Iraq. When will these Hollywood actors learn to keep their political opinions to themselves on talk shows? Come on. … And in Idaho, restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig, he said he will resign. … He said he enjoyed being in Washington and he’ll miss his colleagues on both sides of the stall. … It seems there is a website that ranks men’s rooms across the country for sex. … This is true, the one that Senator Craig got caught in at the Minneapolis airport is Minnesota’s number one cruising restroom for gay sex. See, all those times you thought those long lines were for security” (“Tonight,” NBC, 9/6).
Jimmy Kimmel: “You know about this story about Idaho Senator Larry Craig soliciting an undercover cop. Yes, we’ve mentioned it a time or two here on the show. There’s a group of Larry Craig supporters now who are encouraging people to boycott the Minneapolis airport. Which might be the stupidest boycott ever. … ‘I’m sorry Grandma, we’re not going to be able to visit you this Christmas, we could not do that to Senator Craig, we’re boycotting.’ Not only am I joining this boycott of the Minneapolis airport, I’m going to say this: I am refusing to have sex in any public bathroom until Senator Craig’s name is cleared. Wait a minute, I should say gay sex, I won’t have gay sex. Alright, I’ll have a little gay sex” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/6).
David Letterman: “How many people saw the Republican debate last night? Anybody see the Republican debate last night? You know a debate is dull when the most exciting guy there is Brit Hume. Side effects of the Republican debate include dizziness, nausea and sexual disfunction. … I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That’s right, it’s like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yea, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end. … Anybody ever fly Frontier Airlines? Guy is flying Frontier Airlines, and in the middle of the flight, he gets out of his seat and takes off his pants and he runs up and down the aisle. You know, with his thing hanging out. Senator Craig, please get some help. I’m begging you, please. But did you hear about this? Senator Craig from Idaho plans to fight a disorderly conduct charge. He wants to change his plea to ‘not creepy.’ … Earlier today Senator Craig said he’d like to turn over a new page. I believe his name is Kevin” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/6).
Jay Leno: “A very scary moment for 4 U.S. Senators and Congressmen. I guess Senator Mel Martinez, Richard Shelby, James Inhofe and Congressman Bud Cramer were visiting the troops when their C-130 cargo plane had to take evasive action to avoid gunfire, and that’s while taking off from Newark. … The Republicans had a big presidential debate tonight in New Hampshire. Do you know who the big winner was? Fred Thompson. Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he’s either pregnant, gay, or running for president. … Actually, have you seen Fred’s wife? She’s beautiful. I think we can rule out the gay part. … Well you know Newsweek has a big cover story on Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign. You learn a lot about him. For example, he used to work at NBC, so apparently he knows how to deal with disasters. … In a new biography coming out soon about President George W. Bush, when asked what his plans where after he leaves office, President Bush said he’d like to make some money giving speeches. He wants to give speeches. Well, you can’t say the man doesn’t know where his strengths are. … Did you know, when President Bush is Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise. I didn’t know that. … Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, ‘not if we get there first.’ … After announcing last week that he was going to resign from the Senate, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, you know, the restroom enthusiast, says he may change his mind and not resign. First he’s going to resign, now he’s not going. Why can’t the guy just be straight with us? What is going on? Apparently he came to this decision because Senator Arlen Specter is coming out in his defense. So his family is coming out for him, Arlen Specter is coming out for him, the only one not coming out is him. … Well first he pleaded guilty to soliciting in the men’s room, then he said he wasn’t guilty. Then he said he was resigning, and now he is going back on that. Even John Kerry’s going, ‘make up your mind.’ … Actually, no one has even seen Senator Craig for like a week now. Nobody even knows where he is. They think he may have gone on a fishing trip for a couple of days with an old cowboy buddy to some mountain in Wyoming. … Larry Craig has now hired Michael Vick’s attorney, Bill Martin, to defend him. The two cases are quite similar. They both involve being on all fours, and barking like a dog. It’s not that different” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/5).
David Letterman: “Boy, how about that Senator Larry Craig. … Now he’s thinking maybe he will be back in the Senate. He’s not really going to resign. The whole thing raises a question for me: shouldn’t those cops that arrested him at the airport, shouldn’t they be looking for terrorists, honestly. … He’s having second thoughts about resigning, and well I would add he’s having second thoughts about tapping his foot in the men’s bathroom. … No, he’s changed his mind and he thinks he’s going to stay in the Senate, and that occurred to him after he saw the new batch of fall pages. … How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don’t you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard. … This is interesting, according to a new book President Bush cries when he’s alone, never admits to mistakes, and refuses to hear bad news, and — oh no, wait, that’s me” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/5).
Conan O’Brien: “Some good news. Good news for me anyway. The Larry Craig scandal is back in the news. For me, that’s hitting the jackpot where I come from. … Yesterday Senator Larry Craig announced he’s now rethinking his decision to resign from the Senate. He resigned from the Senate and now he’s rethinking his decision to resign from Senate. Craig says he’s going talk the decision over with his wife, and the guy in stall number 3. … President Bush is very busy. Tomorrow President Bush is scheduled to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Bush says he plans to deliver a message of ‘concern and encouragement,’ or as Bush calls it, ‘concouragement'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/5).
Jimmy Kimmel: “I learned that President Bush, today, is a sensitive man. There’s a new biography of the president out, in which he says ‘I do tears,’ which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it’s kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads. … Meanwhile, Fred Thompson is all over the news. … He’ll challenge Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani for the Republican nomination. Apparently he’s very popular, but, here’s why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: very simple, that’s his wife. [on screen: A picture of Fred Thompson with wife Jeri.] America is not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush, maybe, but besides that no. … On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land, that’s her huge … estate on Montecito, California. It’s projected to raise $3 million, 2 million of which is expected to come from the ‘Dunk Steadman’ booth. … Idaho Senator Larry Craig … may retract that resignation depending on if he can get the disorderly conduct charge he plead guilty to after he played footsy with an undercover cop in the bathroom at that Minneapolis Airport, he’s hoping to get that dropped. And say what you want about him, this man, he’s got the fighting spirit of a Gloria Gainer, he really does. Every move he makes shouts ‘I will survive!’ … Needless to say, many of his fellow Republicans are not delighted by this turn of events. They want him to go because it’s hurting the Republican party. Conservatives in general, I don’t know if you know this, frown on anonymous men’s room sex” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/5).
Jay Leno: “Hot weekend. … It was so hot … Senator Larry Craig was actually in a bathroom stall between Ben and Jerry. … Over the weekend President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq. Any time Bush shows up in a warzone it’s pretty much a surprise I guess. But I think President Bush was a little confused. When he got off the plane in that 115 degree heat and saw those guys walking around with those big guns, he said what are you doing in LA? I thought we were going Iraq. Well, President Bush is upset, very upset that the Iraqi parliament has failed any major legislation since taking office. I guess, of course, on the other hand, it made him feel right at home. … Bush very optimistic, god bless him, nothing if not optimistic. In fact, today in Iraq he said things were getting ‘gooder.’ … You know where President Bush is today? He’s in Australia for the big economic summit that’s going on there. Again, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I don’t think Bush knows a lot about Australia. Like today he said he was anxious to visit the house where Arnold Schwarzenegger grew up, so I think he’s a little confused. President Bush announced he plans to help out homeowners in this mortgage-lending crisis thing that’s going on. He said millions of people could lose their house, and you know, he knows what he’s talking about. Last November he lost a House and the Senate. … What do you think of this? An elementary school in Colorado has banned the game of tag. You think that’s good? Hey forget banning tag in school. How about banning tag from the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport? … Over the weekend Senator Larry Craig … resigned from the Senate. Thankfully he was able to do it quietly, before the whole thing turned into some kind of media circus. Thank god for that, how embarrassing if things had gotten out. But god bless him Senator Craig still insisting he is not gay. … And today to prove it he went back to the Minneapolis airport and tried to solicit sex in the women’s bathroom. … And here’s a joke that pretty much writes itself. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, remember he resigned from office because he had a gay affair. Now he’s enrolled in a seminary school to become a priest. You may fill in your own joke. A former married governor who was having anonymous gay sex at truck stops now wants to become a member of the clergy. Well what could go wrong there?” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/4).
David Letterman: “Congratulations, you folks are here in the city for fashion week. … All of your fashionistas are in town: Oscar De La Renta, Ralph Lauren, Senator Larry Craig. … Larry Craig was at a fashion show earlier today, tossed out for tapping his foot. They said ‘beat it.’ Over the weekend Senator Craig from Iowa resigned from the Senate. He said he’d like to spend more time not being gay. … How about that President Bush, yesterday made a surprise visit to Iraq. I don’t know whether it jet lag or if he was just confused, but he served the troops Thanksgiving dinner. President Bush was in Iraq for 8 hours. Nice to see he has an escape strategy” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/4).
Conan O’Brien: “Big weekend for President Bush, you all heard about this. Over the weekend President Bush left the White House in an unmarked car and took a top secret trip to Iraq. In fact, the trip was so secret, President Bush still doesn’t know where he was. It was hot and there were foreign guys. Mexico, that’s his number one guess. … Over the weekend, of course, disgraced Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned after Republicans refused to defend him. Yeah, Republicans were not happy with him. Yeah, the Republicans’ last words were ‘don’t let the men’s room door hit your ass on the way out'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 9/4).
Jimmy Kimmel: “It was just stupid, stupid hot this weekend. … This morning Governor Schwarzenegger announced an emergency, statewide wet T-shirt contest. So if you have a shirt, please moisten it immediately. … Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. … On Saturday he thanked those who continued to support him and provided us with our unintentional joke of the day [on screen, Sen. Craig saying: “To have the Governor standing behind me, as he always has.”] But now, today, despite the fact that he announced his resignation on Saturday, his spokesman now says he may not resign, he may want to stay in office. He’s guilty, he’s not guilty; he’s resigning, he’s not resigning; he’s gay, he’s straight; can this guy make up his mind already? Even though he’s already pled guilty to the charges, he’s hiring lawyers now to look into reversing his plea from from guilty to not guilty, and they say he’s not stopping himself there, he’s also suing himself for defamation of character” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/4).
Bill Maher: “It’s Labor Day weekend! By the way, a word of warning about the weekend. If Senator Larry Craig invites you to a tailgate party, say no. … The cop says he was giving off gay signals in the men’s room. Like when he threw a table cloth over the baby changing station and lit candles and opened a bottle of merlot. … Now, of course, the Republicans have completely turned on Larry Craig, as Jesus would. … John McCain has called for him to step down, Mitt Romney has called for him to step down, Mark Foley has just called him. … Senator Craig has now called a press conference for tomorrow, … probably he’s going to resign. He said that will be a private decision after consulting his wife, his children, and an anonymous dude he met at the Howard Johnsons on I-84. … Politicians are not supposed to approach people for sex. They’re supposed to approach them for money. … Hillary Clinton, that campaign is in trouble because they had to give back that money from that guy who’s now under arrest for some sort of Ponzi scheme, ok. Now, in Hillary’s defense, Larry Craig blows guys at the airport, hello! Alright, enough about Larry Craig. In heterosexual news, the Government Accountability Office … says that things are not improving in Iraq, despite what the administration says. They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks that they said they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic it’s going over there, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab. Of course I’m kidding about that now. No, the rumor about her now is that she was caught having doing drugs and having sex in a toilet with a male patient. I didn’t even know she was Republican. … Speaking of on the level, Alberto Gonzales resigned this week. Our Attorney Generalisimo and President Bush said he was looking for a replacement, someone equally versed in the law. In fact, he’s out front of Home Depot right now picking up some guys” (“Real Time,” HBO, 8/31).
Jay Leno: “Well I guess you heard the Bush administration has given the go-ahead for Mexican trucks to cross the border into the United States any time they want. Critics say this will lead to clogged roads, unsafe vehicles, uninsured drivers who can’t read signs. Or as we call it out here, Los Angeles. … President Bush was going to give the White House staff the day off for Labor Day, but then he realized everyone resigned, no one works there anymore. In fact, today was Karl Rove’s last day at the White House. Yea, he wanted to wait until everything was just perfect before he left. You know, you don’t want to leave the country in a mess. … Today is one of the busiest travel days in America. Huge flight delays. A 3-hour wait at the Minneapolis airport, and that was just for the men’s room. I’m sure you know by now, Idaho Senator Larry Craig getting a lot of criticism from his fellow members of the GOP, which of course, as you know stands for Gay Old Party. … Craig announced yesterday he would voluntarily give up his seat. Isn’t that how he got in trouble in the first place? … He is claiming entrapment. He said the sign on the door said men, so he went in to get some, and then the cops grabbed him. Boy, did you hear those audio tapes … He said he put his right foot in, then he took his right foot out, then he put his left foot in and he shook it all about. He says he was doing the hokey-pokey. … Men, let this be a lesson to you, when you’re at the airport, never let strangers handle your bags. … There were signs that Senator Craig was into this kind of thing, like today his wife said during sex instead of yelling out her name he’d yell ‘complete stranger in the stall next to me!’ … President Bush’s daughter Jenna Bush is engaged to be married, but no date has been set for the wedding. He’s against any kind of timetable” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/31).
David Letterman: “New York is funny, because now everybody is leaving town for Labor Day, and what makes it great is that when no one’s around it’s a tremendous city. But, there’s nobody here to enjoy it! In fact, everybody is gone and Mayor Bloomberg is looking for volunteer hookers. … But President Bush loves the Labor Day weekend. It gives him a chance to unwind, and, gosh, I’m thinking ‘when does this guy wind?'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/31).
Conan O’Brien: “A lot to talk about. We’ve got the latest on the big Washington sex scandal. I don’t know if you’ve heard the latest, but Republican Senator Larry Craig was planning to resign today, according to several ‘well placed sources’ in Washington. And by well placed sources I mean bathroom attendants. … This morning in Iowa, two men took part in Iowa’s first legal same sex marriage. Yea, the judge pronounced them husband and husband, and then said get the hell out of Iowa” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/31).
Jimmy Kimmel: “I think the best Republican sex scandal continues to unfold today, as Senator Larry Craig plead guilty to a misdemeanor after he got caught in a police sting operation in the men’s room of a Minneapolis airport. … The terror alert level in our nation’s airport bathrooms has been raised to lavender. Some members of the GOP are demanding the senator give up his seat, which when you think about it, that’s how he got in trouble in the first place!” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 8/30).
Jay Leno: “Idaho Senator Larry Craig is now being called the hole from Idaho. … A lot of people are calling Senator Craig a hypocrite because he was a very focal opponent of same-sex marriages. … But to be fair, he has never come out publicly against anonymous gay bathroom sex. … And this whole thing has to be very frustrating for the Republican Party. All these gay sex scandals and they still can’t get any support from Hollywood. … The arresting officer said their eyes met through the crack in the bathroom stall door, which is ironic because that’s how I met my wife. … Because of the scandal he had to resign his position on the Mitt Romney campaign. … So not much chance of getting his mitts on Romney now. … Today President Bush was in New Orleans for the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. When he arrived in New Orleans he told the mayor ‘I got here as quick as I could'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/29).
David Letterman: “How about that poor Senator Craig from Idaho? … So he gets arrested in a mens’ room there at the airport in Minneapolis. And here’s the deal now. He’s now in Stage One of a political sex scandal: defiance. Stage Two: stepping down to spend more time with his family. Stage Three: ‘I’m gay and I’m proud!’ … Don’t kid yourself, this Craig is in a tough spot. When you’re up for re-election, you don’t want to be known as ‘The Restroom Don Juan.’ … Guy was arrested for lewd behavior in the mens’ room, and I’m thinking, ‘Well, hell. I’m lucky if I can get a hand dryer to blow'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/29).
Conan O’Brien: “Senator Larry Craig … declared he won’t quit and he’s not gay. And then Craig said ‘I’m sorry. I meant to say I won’t quit being gay.’ … Now there’s more trouble for Senator Craig. First he’s accused of soliciting gay sex at an airport. Now’s he accused of being soliciting gay sex at a train station. Craig denied the charges and said if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for a big night at the bus terminal” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/29).
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS HIDING OSAMA BIN LADEN
10. He’s turned backyard jungle gym into Taliban training camp.
9. You call over there and someone answers, “Death to America … I mean, Yello.”
8. There’s a large “No Infidels” sign on the front porch.
7. In latest video, behind Osama is you mowing the lawn.
6. Neighborhood suddenly reeks of figs and sheep.
5. Just had delivered issue of People’s “25 Sexiest Mullahs.”
4. Got invited to summer block party — this years theme: “Sun, Fun and Jihad.”
3. Mailbox now reads, “Rutherford/Bin Laden.”
2. Car in the driveway has a hilarious “Martyrdom or Bust” bumper sticker.
1. Last Sunday, Kim Jong-Il dropped by for Brunch (CBS, 8/29).
Jay Leno: “It’s the hottest day of the year. People are sweating like the men’s room attendant when Senator Larry Craig walked in. … A married, anti-gay, very-anti gay conservative Republican was arrested … for lewd conduct in a men’s restroom. He said it was all big misunderstanding. What probably happened was when he went in to use the restroom he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis. … And Senator Craig is married. Apparently he told his wife ‘Don’t worry about having dinner ready for me. I’m going to wolf down a hot dog at the airport.’ … The Democrats may have control of the House but Republicans have control of the bathrooms. … Alberto Gonzales resigned yesterday. Actually he accidentally fired himself. … He’s still not getting any respect. Lou Dobbs called for him to be deported. … McCain is on the program tonight. … He is only living straight heterosexual Republican senator left” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/28).
David Letterman: “Larry Craig was arrested in an airport men’s room. It gives new meaning to the word caucusing. Senator Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, ‘Well, maybe that was your second mistake.’ … Anybody who spends more than two minutes in an airport bathroom is guilty of something. … My idea of getting lucky in the men’s room is when the motion censor works on the faucet” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/28).
Conan O’Brien: “Larry Craig … has pled guilty to lewd guilty in a men’s room. … The senator said I wanted to reach out to all my constituents and their penises. … Remember Lisa Nowak, she’s the astronaut who put on a diaper. … She’s going to plead insanity. … The jury said, ‘Please. You had us at diaper.’ … Nicole Ritchie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California’s new minute-per-pound rule” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/28).
Jimmy Kimmel: “All of Boise, Idaho, is a buzz with the story of Larry Craig. … The police report says he tapped his foot, which means ‘I want gay sex.’ It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. … Then he touched feet with the police officer and he put his hand under the stall, probably for a low-five or something. … He’s also anti-gay marriage; he’s anti-gays in the military — which, I think, shows that he doesn’t let his personal needs interfere with his work” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 8/28).
Jay Leno: “Michael Vick pleaded guilty today and faces up to five years in prison. You know, I knew this dog fighting thing would one day come back and bite him in the ass. … Today, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned. That’s a terrible thing. Who knew he was into dog fighting, too? This thing is bigger than we thought. … But there is some good news out of the White House. The good news is that President Bush’s daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. … Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. … Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. … If you’d like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell. … At a political forum here in Hollywood last week, Hillary Clinton said she does not support gay marriage. In fact, she said she’s not too crazy about straight marriage anymore either. … Fred Thompson said he’s still testing the waters in his bid for the presidency. He’s been testing the water for what, six month now? In fact, those aren’t wrinkles on his face. He’s starting to prune up” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/27).
David Letterman: “Beautiful day here in New York City. … So nice today that Alberto Gonzales was happy to be out of work. … So nice that Andy Rooney was insulting minorities in the park. … Andy Rooney apparently is in trouble now for making inappropriate remarks in a newspaper column that he does. And I’m thinking, ‘Well gee, I hope CBS doesn’t start getting rid of cranky old guys.’ … By the way, during that last joke, another Bush cabinet member resigned. … Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can’t recall why. … He will be replaced by Drew Carey. … Russian leader Vladimir Putin — have you seen this guy? He gets his picture taken a lot with his shirt off. We used to have a pantless president, they’ve got a shirtless president. He was named ‘Sexiest Commie Alive’ … nearly edging out Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il. … But people are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, ‘Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/27).
Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he’s going to resign. Gonzales said, ‘There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.’ … Earlier today, NFL star Michael Vick plead guilty to dog fighting charges and apologized for his actions. Vick’s exact quote was, ‘Sorry, I’m a cat person'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/27).
TOP TEN REASONS ALBERTO GONZALES RESIGNED
10. Felt he wasn’t incompetent enough for the Bushadministration.
9. Secretly ordered himself to fire himself.
8. Was offered the John Travolta role in the touring production of “Hairspray.”
7. Trying his hand at failing miserably in the private sector.
6. Didn’t want to be around for transition to the Kucinich administration.
5. Instead of terrorism, trying to keep Lindsay and Paris off the streets.
4. Got a sweet new job at Kinko’s.
3. Letterman has a guy making a sand sculpture of Biff Henderson.
2. Ran out of laws to circumvent.
1. Why not go out on top? (CBS, 8/27).
Bill Maher: “President Bush made a big speech about Iraq this week. He said the surge is working, a free Iraq is within our reach, and if we don’t beat them there, they’ll follow us home. That’s the great thing about George Bush. I can take three months off and when I come back, he’s still making the same stupid speech. … This guy is so hard up for good news, he called a press conference this morning to announce that Britney’s hair is growing back. … I hate to be one of the naysayers … who says the surge isn’t working, but I’m sorry, it was in the paper today that the number of Iraqis … who are fleeing their homes has, in a word, ‘surged.’ In fact, there are so many abandoned houses in Baghdad, it looks like America’s real estate market. … They also came up with what they call the National Intelligence Estimate for Iraq. … They said … the Iraqi political leaders remain unable to govern effectively. President Bush said that was the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. Judging leaders by their effectiveness? … Hillary Clinton came out this week and said what we all know, which is … if there was another terrorist attack, it would only help the Republicans maintain the White House. It would also give them a new slogan: ‘O for 2.’ … Ted Nugent was giving a concert and he held up a machine gun and made veiled threats about Hillary and Barack Obama. I find this shocking. Ted Nugent still has concerts? … 50 more pit bulls from Michael Vick’s house … have to be euthanized. And when President Bush heard this, he said, ‘Thank God. I was afraid they were going to have to kill them'” (“Real Time,” HBO, 8/24).
David Letterman: “You folks like celebrity birthdays? … Happy Birthday to Regis Philbin. Tomorrow, 76 years old. … Regis plans to celebrate quietly with his lovely wife Posh Philbin. … Actually, Regis will be 91. He doesn’t like to count the 15 years he spent with Kathie Lee” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/24).
Jon Stewart: “As you know, the administration’s conduct concerning prosecuting the war on terror has been questioned by some. … But as the president himself explains, there is a perfectly good reason why we don’t understand what he’s doing [on screen: Bush, in multiple interviews, saying Iraq is ‘a totally different kind of war’]. … Obviously, we invaded Iraq initially because this war is historically unprecedented. … Yesterday, the president explained to us why we must stay in Iraq — historical precedent. … Yes, that was the message yesterday as Bush addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars, an organization whose numbers he has personally done so much to boost. … [on screen: Bush citing the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor to make the case for the Iraq war]. And that is why, in 1941, America invaded China. … Yes, with the pivotal Petraeus surge report just weeks away, Bush began his surge to gain support for the Iraq war the only way left … by talking up a bunch of other wars. … In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the president’s effort to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. And that our only mistake was not starting that war, but ending it [on screen: Bush saying, ‘Here at home, some can argue our withdrawal from Vietnam carried no price for American credibility. But the terrorists see it differently’]. Oh my God, we’re going back into Vietnam” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/23).
Stephen Colbert: “I’ll admit the war has had its ups and bottomless pits, but as John McCain has so inspiringly said of the ongoing conflict [on screen: McCain saying, ‘We are where we are now’]. Why isn’t his campaign doing better? … Folks, it started five years ago this week. Let me bring you back to late summer of 2002: On TV, a new government agent named Jack Bauer was bopping to the beat of Avril Lavigne’s ‘Complicated,’ while on a mission to assassinate Halle Berry for her performance in ‘Monster’s Ball.’ Afghanistan was newly liberated and America was still hunting for Osama bin Laden. But there was a bigger fish taunting us to fry … Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, too many Americans were saying, ‘Why Iraq? Why now?’ Well, into that morass of look before you leapism leapt Vice President Dick Cheney, who … five years ago this Sunday, at the National Veterans of Foreign Wars Convention in Nashville, Tennessee, launched a pre-emptive strike on doubt [on screen: Cheney saying, ‘Many of us are convinced that Saddam Hussein will acquire nuclear weapons fairly soon’]. Fairly soon! … [on screen: Cheney saying, ‘Weapons of mass destruction in the hands of a terror network, or a murderous dictator, or the two working together constitutes as grave a threat as can be imagined’]. And you gotta think this guy can imagine some sick stuff. … When the speech was over, there was not a dry eye in the house, nor an upcrapped pair of pants in America” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/23).
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN THE WRONG COLLEGE
10. Brochures read “As Advertised on ‘Maury.'”
9. Your school is in Pennsylvania. Your dorm is in Oklahoma.
8. Cafeteria meals contain tainted Chinese dog food.
7. Popular fraternity is “Sigma Alpha Danza.”
6. Only paper a professor published was a letter in “Penthouse.”
5. School’s motto is: “Truth, Scholarship, Pudding.”
4. “Homework” always seems to involve sewing running shoes in
3. Tuition can be paid in Camel Cash.
2. Most famous alum? David Letterman.
1. Roommate keeps telling you how much nicer it is than the
joint (CBS, 8/24).
Jon Stewart: “Many Americans are starting to feel what could be described as just a twinge, a pinch of impatience with progress in Iraq. … And that impatience is more widespread than you might expect [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, ‘There is a certain level of frustration with the leadership’]. Go on. Yes, as difficult an issue as security has been in Iraq, political progress has been even slower. But yesterday, the president had a message for Americans: butt out [on screen: Bush saying that replacing the Iraqi gov’t isn’t for U.S. politicians to decide]. I mean, what are we gonna do? Go in forcibly? I mean, remove them from power? That’d be idiotic. … Part of the problem with political progress is that the Iraqi parliament has been on vacation for this entire month, and not for no reason [on screen: WH press sec. Tony Snow saying Baghdad’s summer temperatures reach 130 degrees]. 130 degrees: Coincidentally, the name of Iraq’s most popular boy band. … Obviously, the Iraq war is very complicated. It’s another reason why Barack Obama’s foreign policy inexperience is going to be an important issue in this campaign. You can’t have a newbie overthrowing the delicate balance that we have engineered and maintained in this complex region. For instance, a weakened Iraq has meant a strengthened Iran. And since Iran is Shia, our Sunni friends in Saudi Arabia are none too happy about that. But that’s no problem for our experienced hands. … Yes, a few weeks ago the White House announced plans to sell $20 billion in weapons to the Saudi royal family. Boom! Balance of power restored. Trust me, you don’t have to worry about billions of dollars in weapons being sent to a country like that, ’cause may I remind you that a full 20% of the 9/11 hijackers were not from there. … Of course, this move may intimidate our circumcised friends to the west [on screen: Israel]. … But that’s not going to be any problem … because last week the White House announced that it will increase aid to Israel by 25%, meaning an additional $30 billion over the next decade to them. Oh billions of dollars, is there no dispute you can’t settle?” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/22).
Stephen Colbert: “The undeclared Fred Thompson anti-candidacy juggernaut continues to lazily rumble in the general direction of the White House. But apparently, some people don’t enjoy watching that kind of stately indecision. This week, liberal blogger Lane Hudson filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission accusing Thompson of campaigning without having formally entered the race. I don’t see what the problem is. It’s not like there’s any advantage to not declaring your candidacy. Sure, according to ABC News, by not declaring, Thompson wouldn’t have to disclose any of the cash given to his campaign until January 31st. But that would only help him if he was getting contributions from donors he didn’t want voters to know about … like the gun lobby or oil companies or ‘Die Hard 2’ co-star Dennis Franz. And sure, by not declaring, Thompson receives money from reruns of ‘Law & Order’ without demands for equal time from his rivals. But that’s just good sense. If Kucinich had held off entering the race, he’d still be rolling in cash from his work in Ron Howard’s masterpiece ‘Willow.’ … Fred Thompson is not doing anything wrong. In fact, his revolutionary non-campaign technique brings us to tonight’s ‘Word.’ November surprise. … He hasn’t even entered the race yet and in the polls he’s second only to Rudy Giuliani [on screen: In Facial Moles]. Why? Because by avoiding debates, he hasn’t beaten us over the head with his policy positions [on screen: Pro-Sleep, Anti-Salad]. So far, all he’s said is ‘I’m thinking of running.’ And that kind of mystery is exciting [on screen: Like Watching Paint Vote]. He’s just like the present you save until a week after your birthday. There could be anything in there, but you don’t want to open it because what you imagine is in there [on screen: Reagan?] might be better than what actually is [on screen: Fred Thompson]. … And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/22).
TOP TEN SIGNS OSAMA BIN LADEN IS ALIVE AND WELL
10. FBI has indicted him for funding an illegal goatfighting operation.
9. On recent Al Qaeda audiotape, he says some kind words about Merv Griffin.
8. The new US Weekly has photos of him in a hot tub with Britney.
7. The congratulatory phone call to Barry Bonds.
6. He’s booked with Regis and Susan Lucci at Foxwoods Resort & Casino.
5. His MySpace page was updated this morning.
4. Starring in a new series about a bunch of misfits who try to rob Ayman Al-Zawahiri.
3. Al Jazeera reports he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president.
2. Afghanistan moviegoers report a 7-foot bearded guy laughing his nuts off at “Superbad.”
1. Seen house hunting in L.A. with wife Posh Bin Laden (CBS, 8/22).
David Letterman: “Have you folks been following the Michael Vick story? … The dog fighting charges may put an end to his career. And, as you know, the same thing happened to Rosie O’Donnell” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/21).
Jon Stewart: “We know Washington, DC, was very shaken last week when news that Karl Rove, the man whose mouthful advisory teets have fed so many Beltway insiders these past six and a half years, was capping the spigot and moving on. … But before leaving for good — and I use the term literally — last week, Rove went on his farewell tour to defend himself and his president [on screen: Rove saying that Bush’s critics are ‘elite, effete snobs’]. Yeah! Who are these effete, elite snobs who criticize Bush, these snobs with their Ivy League degrees, entertaining French guests at their family estates on the New England coast … oh, right. … But that was just the start. Chris Wallace got Karl Rove’s Sunday morning talk show tour going [on screen: FNC’s Wallace saying, ‘Let’s take a look at some of Karl Rove’s greatest hits’]. Ohh, I just bought that on K-Tel! ‘Karl Rove’s Greatest Hits,’ including ‘John McCain’s Black Baby,’ ‘Max Cleland: The One-Limbed Pussy,’ ‘The Queers Are Coming,’ and, of course, ‘Schiavo-A-Go-Go.’ No need to call now, your phones have already been tapped. … But let’s get through some other hits. Do decisive politics [on screen: Rove saying, ‘What I try to do is serve a president whose attitude was let’s find ways to bring the country together’]. And that would be who? Oh, unless, oh my God, Karl Rove’s been moonlighting for the president of Match.com” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/21).
Rob Riggle, on Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) saying that he bought “five rugs for five bucks” in Iraq: “Five rugs for five bucks? On Presidents’ Day weekend maybe. … But Indiana Congressman Mike Pence hit the nail on the head. If there’s one thing that everyone I’ve talked to can agree on, it’s that Iraq is exactly like an Indiana market in the summertime. … This is the sort of place where people don’t even lock their doors at night. Heck, most people don’t even have doors” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/21).
Stephen Colbert: “There’s no denying it, global warming is real. It has been ever since Al Gore invented it last year. … Now some people are just letting it happen, but others are actually doing something about global warming. They are racing to exploit it, specifically the Arctic. The battle to control the icy North and its soon to be accessible resources is heating up, which means it’s time for the latest installment in our series ‘Smokin’ Pole: The Fight For Arctic Riches.’ Today, President Bush attended a summit with Mexican President Felipe Calderon and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper in Quebec. They met at what appears to be the old mine ride at a pioneer amusement park, where there were two Mounties to remind Stephen Harper how tall you have to be to ride. … Receiving the American president is a big deal for the leader of Canada, whose most pressing diplomatic duty is usually presenting medals to beavers. … At the meeting, Harper had the gall to assert his nation’s claim to the Northwest Passage though the Arctic. Harper, it’s not your job to assert claims. Just repeat what the president says, add an ‘aboot’ and translate it into French” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/21).
TOP TEN MICHAEL VICK EXCUSES
10. House came with a dogfighting pit, and it seemed like a shame to waste it.
9. Wanted to distract the public from crooked NBA referees and cheating baseball players.
8. Judgment was impaired by playing with lead-based Chinese toys.
7. I was training the dogs to … uhhhhhh … get Osama.
6. Always wanted to be quarterback for a prison team, like in “The Longest Yard.”
5. Steroids made me all crazy.
4. Eddie Brill told me I needed something big to close on.
3. Oh like you’ve never run an illegal dogfighting ring.
2. Thought I could get out of it by buying Kobe Bryant’s wife a diamond.
1. Fights weren’t worse than what you see on “The View” (CBS, 8/21).
David Letterman: “You folks see the Democratic presidential debates over the weekend? Oh man, this debate, woah, it was very intense. The loser, the loser of the debate was taken out back and drown by Michael Vick. … How about this? Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware about that — he’s resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family. … Here’s great news. One of the president’s daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they’re thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna’s getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. … It’s going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it’s no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton. … You like presidential birthdays? Oh! Who doesn’t. Well, over the weekend former president Bill Clinton turned 61, 61! Happy birthday Bill. Bill enjoyed a romantic candlelight dinner and dancing, then he went home to Hillary” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/20).
Jon Stewart: “Wow, what a show we have for you tonight. Nikolas Kozloff will be here. He has written a book about Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Chavez, of course, thought by some to be the Western Hemisphere’s ‘craziest motherf—-r.’ … In just three weeks, General David Petraeus is scheduled to deliver his long awaited report on the Iraq surge. Will he say it’s a success, thus vindicating the White House? Or will he say it’s a failure, which somehow also will vindicate the White House? (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/20).
Stephen Colbert: “The Pentagon has come up with a plan to sell clothing made in Mosul and Najaf here in America through retailers like Wal-Mart and Sears. Is it too much to hope for Mary Kate & Ashley burkhas? This is great news, getting our clothing made in Iraq will be so cheap. [On screen: $500,000,000,000 And Counting]. For some reason, Iraq’s economy is in shambles, which means Iraqis will work for practically nothing. [On screen: They Work Over There So We Don’t Have To Work Over Here]. This plan will give Iraqis the jobs they desperately need, and give us the tubesocks we desperately don’t want to pay more than a dollar ninety-nine for. [On screen: We’ll Be Greeted As Consumers]” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/20).
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT MARRYING INTO THE BUSH FAMILY
10. Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon.
9. You’ll inherit president Bush’s extensive collection of Chuck Norris memorabilia.
8. It’s a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar.
7. Might see Cheney shoot an old guy — still a reference, Ladies and Gentlemen.
6. Learning from grandma Barbara how to spit chaw.
5. Every Wednesday is taco night.
4. What could be more fascinating than learning what makes Jeb tick.
3. If half the family hates you, you can still have a better approval rating than George.
2. W. can lend you the “Mission Accomplished” banner to put up in the bedroom.
1. Little chance you’ll be the dumbest guy in the family (CBS, 8/20).
Jon Stewart: “Man, do we have a show for you tonight. Senator John McCain will be in the studio tonight making his 250th appearance. One more and he gets to host, and I get to go to the Senate. … As Hillary Clinton remains the front-runner for the Democratic nomination, her opponents have increased their efforts to access … archives from her time spent as first lady. Yes, because nothing is known from that period. Of course, … Clinton would like nothing more than to release all her papers from that time, it’s just that after leaving the West Wing, archivists … are still searching … and will not release until after next year’s election. And what’s the hurry? With memo titles such as ‘Boy I hope nobody ever finds out about this’ and ‘Why didn’t I shred this?’ is there any chance Hillary has made remarks that would make this slow and unnecessary withholding of her papers seem ironic and therefore humorous? [Clinton, on screen: ‘A tendency from this administration … is to withhold information, … to refuse to release information.’] She added: can this videotape be shredded? And if not, please don’t release it until after I’m president. … Meanwhile Clinton continued her campaign. … [Clinton, on screen: ‘I’m following Michelle around today to see what a nurse does.’] Yes, 15 years after being in charge of reforming the American healthcare system. But enough cynicism, Hillary wanted to learn more about healthcare. Why else would she spend a day walking in a nurses shoes? [SEIU rep, on screen: ‘Our members will only endorse a candidate if they’ve walked a mile in our shoes.’] And that’s just the beginning of the start of the hazing. There’s also an elephant walk, … It’s an arduous process, but we’re talking 1.8 million votes here. … Meanwhile, for some reason, Joe Biden was recently endorsed by the International Brotherhood of Horse Testicle Cradlers” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/16).
Stephen Colbert: “One of the most important bellwethers for the Republican presidential campaign took place this weekend, the Iowa straw poll. Anyone who was there will tell you it is a hugely significant, non-binding event … that takes place at a country fair immediately following the butter sculpting. And guess who won this year? ME! Thats right. Me, and the Colbert bump. Of course, the numerical winner was Mitt Romney [on screen: A puppet from Sesame Street.] I believe the big story was zillion-to-one shot, presidential not-too-hopeful, Mike Huckabee. … Now how did he make that kind of impact? Simple, Governor Huckabee has twice appeared on the ‘Report,’ and one of those times I even listened to what he said. … First tier! When I heard that, my first thought was ‘what have I done?’ … Even Dennis Kucinich was asking, ‘who the hell is Mike Huckabee?’ Huckabee is pro-gun, he doesn’t believe in evolution, and he’s pro-weight loss, … though, I still don’t understand why he didn’t take my suggestion to make his campaign slogan ‘No Fatties.’ But other than that folks, he’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in a mystery on an elliptical machine” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/16).
Jon Stewart: “We all know Karl Rove resigned yesterday. Big blow to the White House. Rumsfeld’s gone, Wolfowitz, Harriet Miers, Dan Bartlett — all gone. Cheney — never much help during the summer. That’s his egg-laying season. … But have no fear, help is on the way for this administration. Condoleezza? [on screen: Sec/State Condoleezza Rice naming Cal Ripken Jr. as Special Sports Envoy to the State Dept.] … This is an unusual situation, one we will examine in a segment we’re calling ‘Rice & Ripken: Together at … Why?! … I guess it’s kind of a cool idea. You send Ripken to some baseball-mad country like the Dominican or Venezuela [on screen: Ripken saying, ‘I can’t wait to get to China to see how baseball is received’]. China? So to get China to like us we’re going to send a guy they’ve probably never heard of to crush them in a sport they’ve never played? No wonder they’re poisoning our toys. … Last week was a busy, busy week for both major parties. Starting with the Democrats, who met for a candidates forum on Logo, the gay-oriented cable channel that is not Lifetime or Bravo. … It was generally a friendly event, except for one William Richardson [on screen: Richardson saying homosexuality is a choice, when asked if homosexuality is a choice or it is biological]. … Richardson then swung into damage control mode, explaining the next day he didn’t understand the question because of jet lag. Yes, apparently, the governor had just flown in from the 1950s. … The Iowa straw poll, a quadrennial ritual for Republican candidates, was held Saturday in Ames, Iowa. And the big winner of this unofficial, preseason survey of the Iowa electorate? Former Massachusetts Governor/part-time J.C. Penny catalogue underwear model Mitt Romney with over 30% of the vote. … In a big surprise, the second place finisher was Baptist minister and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee with 18% of the vote, despite spending less than a tenth of what Romney had. Huckabee himself seemed at a loss to explain his success [on screen: Huckabee comparing his Ames showing to ‘feeding the 5,000 with two fish and five loaves’]. Apt metaphor, governor. But I really have to say, don’t you think Jesus would have won? … For those of you who still care, what exactly is the Iowa straw poll? [on screen: a political science prof. explaining that GOP candidates tend to pay the $35 ticket fee for voters in hopes they will come out and support them]. So, it’s an election with no Democrats, in one of the whitest states in the union, where rich candidates pay $35 for your vote. Or, as the Republicans call it, ‘Our vision for the future'” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/14).
Jon Stewart: “Karl Rove, the mastermind behind George Bush’s entire political career, is stepping aside to spend more time, I can only assume, spreading rumors about his family. … For those of us who never got to know Karl Rove — mostly because he refused to answer any of the public’s questions — who was he? [on screen: news reports of Rove’s nicknames, including ‘turd blossom’]. Now, now. I know turd blossom sounds bad, but amongst turd-related nicknames, blossom is about as good as you can do. I guess turd rainbow maybe is the only other” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/13).
John Oliver, reporting from DC on Karl Rove’s departure: “The mood here is one of unspeakable sadness. Rove’s very presence these past six-and-one-half years has been a source of joy and light, not just to the jaded Beltway insider such as myself, but to the children who frolic behind him, hoping to catch one of the sweets which fall naturally from his doughy pantaloons. ‘Turd pinata,’ they shout” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/13).
Stephen Colbert: “During a presidential campaign, it’s not only important to look at the candidates, it’s also important to look at their spouses. That’s why I keep a poster of Fred Thompson’s wife, Jeri Kehn, over my bed. It’s for work, honey! … I also like the cut of Elizabeth Edwards’ jib. … Something Elizabeth Edwards said in a recent interview really caught my attention. When asked about her husband’s campaign finances, she said, ‘We can’t make John black, we can’t make him a woman. Those things get you a certain amount of fundraising dollars.’ Which brings us to tonight’s ‘Word.’ White Guy. … I understand that the possibility of a black or female president is generating excitement among donors [on screen: White House May Get Groove Back]. My problem with what Ms. Edwards said is simply she is talking like a victim. Even if Obama’s race and Hillary’s gender are helping to raise funds this year, there’s really only one question for the Edwards’ campaign [on screen: If It Falls In A Forest, Will Anyone Hear It?] How should John Edwards respond? Simple. John Edwards should declare himself a black woman [on screen: Republican Candidates Already Declared Themselves Reagan]. Is John Edwards really a black woman? It doesn’t matter. These days a unilateral declaration of reality will seem very presidential [on screen: If Accompanied By Signing Statement]. Plus, I think Edwards makes a lot of sense as a black woman. To begin with, sticking up for the poor? Pretty girly [on screen: FDR + LBJ = BFF]. And who spends $400 on their hair? Girls [on screen: And Stephen]. … There have been endless debates on whether Barack Obama is truly black. Well, I say let’s start one on whether John Edwards is [on screen: Hint: No]. Think about it, senator. There is no downside unless America isn’t ready for a black, female president. Of course, if that happens, you’ve got a great fallback. You’re a white guy [on screen: White Guy] and they usually get elected. And that’s ‘The Word.’ … It’s time for the ‘Threat Down.’ … Threat #3: Karl Rove. … What the hell? He’s leaving for ‘the sake of his family.’ His family! What about my family? Do you know what they’ve gone through because I’ve been defending this guy for the past six years? Do you know what awful name they call my child on the playground? They call him Karl Rove” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/13).
Jay Leno: “It was hot today. … It was so hot today, Lou Dobbs became disoriented and had himself deported. … There was another Democratic debate last night. I don’t want to say it did bad in the ratings, but it had so few viewers, it was declared an NBC primetime show. … The debate was here in Los Angeles and it centered on topics of interest to the gay community. Which I don’t understand. I mean, don’t gay voters care about the same things as straight voters? Health care, the war in Iraq, what’s the deal with Clay Aiken. … The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn’t done that after a couple of beers? … See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things. … President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. … The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don’t even know they’re there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap. … President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he’s doing more when he’s not doing the job. … This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It’s called Operation You’re Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids. … Next week, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will work a shift as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital. … You thought your doctor’s hands were cold. … And since she has no training or experience in the nursing field, she will only tend to patients on HMOs” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/10).
Conan O’Brien: “Last night, during a debate sponsored by a gay group, Senator Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. In response, Hillary said, ‘Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/10).
Jon Stewart: “You remember ‘Your World’? You ever feel like there was a guy standing in it kind of uncomfortably? Well, his name is Neil Cavuto. And he’s with ‘Your World’ making sure nothing happens to it, asking the questions that might never occur to you, in front of people you never think to ask [on screen: Cavuto saying to a group of Hooters girls, ‘This has been a controversial time for beautiful women’]. For instance, why do you all smell like sunshine? … Well, Neil Cavuto’s guardian ship of our world paid off yesterday, when Mr. Cavuto was awarded his fourth interview with the president of the United States. Which means the next one is, in fact, free. … At the top of last night’s show, we mentioned presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s response when he was asked why none of his five sons had enlisted in the military [on screen: Romney saying, ‘My sons are all adults and they’ve made decisions about their careers, and they’ve chosen not to serve in the military’]. You know what? Fair answer. I respect that. As long as you don’t then try to equate with what they’re actually doing now with military service, I think you’re in the clear [on screen: Romney saying, ‘One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me to get elected because they think I’d be a great president.’]. Oh, I get it. So yeah, they’re not actually in the military, but they’re about as close as you can get to it in supporting our nation. … Who are these men, this brand of brothers who, against all odds, are making a 99-county winnebago tour of Iowa without caffeine? … By the way, the name of the campaign bus? ‘The Five Brothers Bus.’ ‘Five Brothers’ — great campaign hook, and an even better spaghetti sauce. Mmmm. That’s a’ Mormon” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/9).
Aasif Mandvi, asked if Mitt Romney’s sons will get to come home from serving their country soon: “The good news is if their father keeps saying stupid s— like this, then yes, yes they will” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/9).
Stephen Colbert: “When it comes to 2008 presidential candidates, I am strictly impartial. It does not matter if I’m covering an American hero like Fred Thompson or a money-grubbing, opportunistic Ken doll like John Edwards. It’s not easy giving them all fair treatment, especially when the Democrats keep getting together and saying things. Already they have put on their dog and donkey show in New Hampshire, South Carolina and Chicago. That is an awful lot of public parks for Mike Gravel to be sleeping in. But there is something important missing from these debates, folks, and Rudy Giuliani knows what is is [on screen: Giuliani repeatedly saying Dems have never mentioned the words ‘Islamic terrorism’ in their debates]. Rudy has used the words ‘Islamic terrorism’ so many times, the phrase ‘September 11th’ is starting to get jealous. But he is making a crucial point. A point that brings us to tonight’s ‘Word.’ Clarity. Giuliani knows you cannot win if it’s not clear who you are fighting [on screen: Usually, Ex-Wives]. … If we’re not careful, we can get stuck in an ill-defined, unwinnable, indefinite commitment to understanding who we’re up against [on screen: The War On Error]. We need to return to the clarity of the good old days, before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shiites [on screen: 632 A.D.]. Back when there was freedom fries and our justification for war was three simple letters. W [on screen: L]. M [on screen: I]. D [on screen: E]. … I propose Rudy Giuliani be America’s language czar [on screen: First Issue: ‘Czar’ or ‘Tsar’?]. He can decide what words help America [on screen: ‘President Giuliani’] and which words weaken us [on screen: ‘Habeas Corpus’?]. We can let America’s mayor pick America’s language. After all, if we don’t use his simple, all-encompassing label for all of our enemies, he knows there is no way to win [on screen: The Election]. And that’s ‘The Word.’ … A tiny wag of my finger at teency, weency New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who left his giants’ pocket this Monday to report for jury duty. Now, last time I checked, a jury is supposed to be comprised of one’s peers. … It turns out the other jurors made well under $700 million a year. … Bloomberg voluntarily allowed himself to be corralled into a room with commoners. And I say, ‘Shame on you, Mr. Bloomberg. If a billionaire mayor can’t find an excuse to get out of his civic duty, what hope do the rest of us have?’ … It pains me to say this, but a ‘Tip of the Hat’ to the New York Times. This week, America’s most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven’t seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/9).
Jay Leno: “Did you see that horrible rainstorm in New York City? … Even the subway was flooded. In fact, the flooding was so bad, they say it will take weeks before the smell of urine returns to the subway. … The flooding was so bad, Hillary Clinton had to switch from her pantsuit to a wet suit. … They had another presidential debate last night. … It did not do well in the ratings. In fact, you know the two Americas John Edwards is always talking about? Neither one of them was watching. … The debate was pretty much the same old thing. The only Democrat introducing any new positions is L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa with that reporter from Telemundo. … President Bush’s approval rating went up five points today. See, that’s the good thing about these Democratic debates. When they start talking, Bush’s ratings go up. … Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney said they will not participate in the Republican debate next month in Florida. John McCain said he will be there … if he can get a ride. … Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. [She’s] a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards’ fundraising — you know, compared to the other candidates — is she can’t make him black and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem Michael Jackson’s people have. … Earlier today, a very confused President Bush ordered a ban on all pencils imported from China because he said they may contain lead. … Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench, even though he is prone to seizures. … When President Bush heard this, he said, ‘That’s great ’cause I’m prone to illegal searches'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/8).
Jon Stewart: “Mitt Romney — the only candidate named after a glove, one of the leading Republicans, he’s called the war on terror the defining mission of our generation — was asked in Iowa today why none of his five draft-age or army eligible sons are serving in the military. He said — and this is a quote, people — ‘One of the ways my sons are showing support for the nation is helping me get elected, ’cause they think I’d make a great president.’ When I read that, I was moved … and I’ll tell you why. To know that the Romney boys love America so much and the whole family that they’re willing to give up all five of their boys for the Romney campaign. Who knows what kind of post-traumatic care these boys will need after the election? … Turning to the war, this week saw the release of a report from the government accountability office, the investigative arm of Congress, on the subject of Iraq. Now I know you’re wondering ‘Good news or bad news?’ Let’s find out together [on screen: CNN’s John Roberts saying the report found that nearly 200K weapons the U.S. gave to the Iraqis are now missing]. Calm down, everybody. He said ‘nearly’ 200,000. It’s clearly less. Besides, I’m sure the Pentagon has some idea where they all went and a way to track them down [on screen: Roberts saying, ‘The Pentagon has no idea where they went and no way to track them either’]. Not a single serial number? [on screen: Roberts saying, ‘Not a single serial number’]. … So how did the guns disappear? Well, according to General Petraeus, it was simply a clerical error [on screen: a form with the boxes ‘Lose These’ and ‘Don’t Lose These’]” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/8).
Stephen Colbert: “The Australian Olympic Committee has advised its athletes to delay their arrival for the 2008 Olympic games because of the poor air quality in Beijing. But, did you know that the Chinese symbol for inorganic noncombustible particulate matter is also the symbol for great marketing opportunity? We all know kids love to wear the same equipment as their favorite athletes. So, after next year’s Olympics, there is a fortune waiting for the person who invests in Nike Swoosh breathing masks, Aasics oxygen tanks and Reebok sterile environments” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/8).
Conan O’Brien: “Last night, Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron’s record. … Last night, President Bush did not call Barry Bonds … but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, ‘I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who’s less popular than I am.’ … Hillary Clinton says she’s going to reach out to health care employees by working a shift as a nurse at a hospital. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton was upset and said, ‘Great. This will ruin the plot of my favorite porn movie.’ … A politician in New York City has proposed a bill that would ban the use of the word ‘bitch.’ … Which explains why rappers have started saying, ‘Shutup, you ovulating lady dog'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/8).
Jimmy Kimmel: “It was another beautiful day here in Los Angeles. I almost feel guilty saying it because the weather is so miserable on the East Coast. … It was 110 degree heat, floods in New York and New Jersey. They think there might have been a tornado that hit Brooklyn. It’s like Christmas morning for Al Gore. He has never been happier. … It was a very big night for the very, very big-headed Barry Bonds last night. … He has the all-time record for career home runs. … A lot of people were wondering whether President Bush would acknowledge the record. He did. In fact, he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News today that he spoke to Barry Bonds on the phone. … See that. He does care about black people after all. … He probably just wanted to take the rare opportunity to talk to someone whose approval rating is lower than his is” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 8/8).
Jay Leno: “Although it’s warm here, it is really hot back East. … In fact, in Washington, DC, it is so hot that President Bush wasn’t just reading other people’s mail, he was actually fanning himself with it. … President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So, our phone calls are being watched. Our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. … A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain. … Tonight there was another Democratic debate. Another one! God, it’s hard to believe there are only 96 more to go. … Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said that between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us a great state … it was like being back in Malibu. … The New York City Council is working on a bill that would ban the use of the words ‘bitch’ and ‘ho.’ I didn’t know the city council used that word that much. … Can’t use the words ‘bitch’ and ‘ho.’ You know what that means? Now Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Rosie O’Donnell have nothing to say each other” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/7).
Jon Stewart: “Interesting situation out of Florida. As you may recall, last month, a gentleman named Bob Allen was arrested for offering an undercover policeman $20 to allow him to perform oral sex on said officer in a public restroom. Why is this worth a mention? Well, it turns out Mr. Allen is a state Florida lawmaker who authored a bill that outlawed lewd and lascivious acts in public. And he’s also the state co-chair of John McCain’s campaign. Ugh yeah, it’s not going well. … We’re bringing it up because of the just-released audio tape of Allen explaining how this happened to the police. … Allen says the real reason he offered to felate said cop for $20 is as follows [on screen: Allen saying, ‘This (undercover officer) is a pretty stocky black guy, and there’s other black guys around in the park that — you know … I am about to be a statistic here’]. He’s not gay, he’s afraid. His thinking is, ‘Hey, you wouldn’t hit a guy with a c— in his mouth, would ya?’ … The Democrats were in Chicago this weekend for a debate at the YearlyKos Convention. The YearlyKos, of course, is the annual convention of bloggers and other online activists dedicated to furthering progressive causes. It is not to be confused with the yearly Cos Festival celebrating the life and works of Bill Cosby. … Would the candidates speak the Kos-overs’ language? [on screen: John Edwards saying he and Barack Obama will not take donations from lobbyists]. Yea, no more money from Washington lobbyists! If you agree, hit the donate button on your site. Hillary? [on screen: HRC saying she will continue to take money from lobbyists, but will not be influenced by them.] So, basically, Hillary Clinton’s point is yes, I take money from lobbyists because they’re real people with real needs, but don’t worry, I don’t listen to them. … Across the aisle, on Sunday, all nine Republican candidates skipped church to take part in a forum on ABC’s ‘This Week.’ The highlight? When George Stephanopoulos asked each contender this question [on screen: Stephanopoulos asking, ‘What is a defining mistake of your life and why?’] … At least one candidate managed to be both honest and evasive [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, ‘To have a description of my mistakes in 30 seconds?’ and then shaking his head no]. I mean, here’s a hint. It starts with annulling my first marriage to my second cousin and it ends with my kids from my second marriage supporting Barack Obama because they hate my third wife” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/7).
Stephen Colbert: “A serious disaster was threatening the country. I’m talking, of course, about the YearlyKos blogger convention in Chicago. For those of you who don’t know what a blogger is, it is someone who has a laptop, an axe to grind and their virginity. … I’ve been warning you about these digital totalitarians, but the real hero, the 300-pound canary in this coal mine, has been Bill O’Reilly. Or, as I now call him, Papa Bird. He had DailyKos pegged from the start [on screen: O’Reilly saying there is no difference between the DailyKos and the Ku Klux Klan]. There is actually one minor difference. DailyKos sends you a flaming cross by e-card. … There was another big story over the weekend. President Bush signed into law a bill passed by Congress that allows him to monitor the e-mails and international phone calls of U.S. citizens without a warrant — even citizens not suspected of having terrorist ties. I believe there are three of those left. Alberto Gonzales, Toby Keith and my dog Gipper. … Legalizing warrantless surveillance is actually a dangerous step backwards, and it brings us tonight’s ‘Word.’ The dark side. … Five days after September 11th, Vice President Cheney told us what it would take to win the war on terror, explaining, ‘we have to work the dark side if you will, spend time in the shadows.’ … The vice president knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book [on screen: Or The Constitution]. You do whatever it takes. You go beyond what’s legal. You go past what’s acceptable [on screen: You Shoot A Man In The Face]. But thanks to this new law, all that dark side is now allowed. And we know doing what’s allowed is not enough [on screen: Nobody Tempted By Approved Fruit]. … If we keep allowing the things that we, as a people, have agreed we shouldn’t be doing, who’s going to win this war? [on screen: The Dark Side]. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/7).
Conan O’Brien: “Earlier this week at a campaign event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama’s speech, the Utah crowd said, ‘That was great. Now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.’ … The Hooters restaurant chain has announced they may open up a Hooters in the Muslim city of Dubai. … Apparently, the Hooters will open up right next to the Dubai Thank God Its Fatwa” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/7).
Jay Leno: “Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie, ‘The Bourne Ultimatum,’ had the biggest movie opening ever for the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Senator John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his runningmate. … If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s about a guy who works for the government who can’t remember his past. I think the original title was ‘The Alberto Gonzales Story.’ … Almost 800,000 people in the state of New Jersey could not take a bath or shower this weekend because a lightning strike knocked out a water treatment plant. Well, you thought New Jersey smelled bad before. … Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress. … And today in Washington, President Bush met with the president of Afghanistan, who was wearing that hat and the robe. … President Bush was a little confused. He thought he was meeting the professor from the Hogwarts school. … Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts was released from the hospital after he suffered a seizure. It’s the second time he’s had a seizure. He’s doing fine. But, as a precaution, when he returns to the Supreme Court, he will now have a robe that opens in the back. … Anybody watch the Republican candidates debate this weekend? … The last time I saw that many white guys arguing was the last Republican debate” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/6).
Conan O’Brien: “The presidential race heating up slowly over the last nine years. … Potential Republican candidate — he hasn’t declared yet, but a lot of people think he’s going to run — Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, Senator Fred Thompson said that all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage. … This week, the U.S. Army started using armed robots to patrol the streets of Iraq. Apparently, everyone thinks it’s a good idea … except the armed robots. … Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper’s width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline ‘Big Changes At New York Tim.’ … Archaeologists in Hungary say they have discovered a forest of trees that’s 8 million years old. The archaeologists say that they haven’t seen wood that old since the last time Larry King watched porn” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/6).
Jay Leno: “Here’s a remarkable story of recovery. … Seems a brain-injured man who had been in a coma for the last six years is now awake — eating and speaking with his family. In fact, you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? Mr. President. … The ex-wife of former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey is reportedly asking for $56,000 a month in alimony. McGreevey would have to pay his wife this alimony until she dies or until she marries another gay man. … Telemundo has decided not to fire Mayor Villaraigosa’s girlfriend, anchorwoman Mirthala Salinas. Telemundo decided she would be suspended for two months. So, she’ll have nothing to do for the next two months … except, of course, the mayor” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/3).
David Letterman: “Hot today, am I right? … So hot that earlier tonight on his show, Larry King was wearing only suspenders. … One wonders what he was holding up. … On this day in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving door. So you have him to thank for New York’s criminal justice system. … We all know about the revolving door. They have one over at ‘The View.’ … New York City is reopening the crown of the Statue of Liberty to the public. For a long time, you couldn’t go all the way up into the Statue of Liberty. … More good news. In September, they’re going to be doing the same thing with Donald Trump’s hair. … The Statue of Liberty’s crown may reopen. It’s been really odd. Most of her body has been closed to the public. No, wait. That’s Condoleezza Rice” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/3).
Conan O’Brien: “According to store owners in Iraq, Iraqi consumers are now developing a taste for American products like Pringles, Fruit Loops and Kraft macaroni and cheese. In a related story, Iraqis are also developing huge asses” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/3).
Jon Stewart: “Yesterday, we discussed the interview that Dick Cheney did with Larry King. I think that we marveled, along with our viewers, at how neither man over the course of the hour interview died. … There was not much news made during the interview. Cheney was by turns, creepy, cooky, mysterious, spooky. In short, all together ooky. … ‘You Don’t Know Dick.’ … Tonight’s dicklet: what object caused the vice president to think — and this is an exact quote — ‘Damn, I need one of those.’ Was it a) an iPhone with a special GPS obscurer, b) Cap’n Andy O’Plasty’s Arrr-Tereal Unclog-O-Tonic, or c) a silver box containing a fragment of the Koran that when placed in an adviser’s hand swears him to secrecy on pain of death. The answer, of course, a secret silver death box. According to The Economist magazine, back when Cheney was Defense Secretary under George Bush, the senior, Cheney met with King Hassan of Morocco. And at that meeting, the King placed a small silver box in his translator’s hand, swearing the man to secrecy on pain of death. Cheney’s response? ‘Damn, I need one of those.’ … The only real surprise in this story is Cheney didn’t immediately run out to get one from Bed, Bath and Silver Death Boxes” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/2).
Stephen Colbert: “Recently, the Defense Department sent our soldiers in Fallujah an aid package containing Thigh Masters. Folks, this sends a terrible message to our troops by undermining their confidence and more importantly, their body image. It is like giving your girlfriend a bathroom scale for her birthday. Take it from me, huge mistake. Our soldiers have enough on their minds not worrying about insurgents making catty remarks about their thunder thighs. Defense Department, this is your most thoughtless gift since you sent the 101st Airborne breast implants. Who was that gift really for?” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/2).
Jay Leno: “Another hot day in Los Angeles. Boy, it’s been pretty brutal. … I was sweating like Attorney General Alberto Gonzales promising to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. … According to a new survey, 58% of people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Here’s the frightening statistic: 72% of Americans who do not follow the news think Alberto Gonzales is the guy who is married to Kelly Ripa. … It’s Wednesday. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls it, ‘My Humps Day.’ … According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. People feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. … But I think there’s something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled up sock in his pants. … John Edwards and his lovely wife Elizabeth celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this week the same way they do every year. He took her to Wendy’s … for a cheeseburger, chilli and a milkshake. See, that shows you how smart John Edwards is. Think about this. Most guys get an $8 haircut and have to take their wife out for a $400 anniversary dinner. He gets a $400 haircut and takes her out for an $8 dinner. … The White House is now demanding Congress move quickly on a new treaty to allow more Arctic oil drilling, ’cause they say the melting polar ice caps means more oil is easily available. See, this combines the two things the administration loves — global warming and drilling for oil. … The Bush administration is now looking into the possibility of pumping Iraq’s oil into Israel. Well, that should calm things down over there. Finally a common sense solution!” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/1).
David Letterman: “Hot down in Washington, DC. It was so hot that Dick Cheney shot a hunting buddy with a supersoaker. … It was so hot that Rupert Murdoch purchased Dairy Queen. … Rupert Murdoch — he’s from Australia, billionaire — now owns two United States newspapers, Fox network, National Geographic magazine, MySpace. I’m thinking, ‘Why can’t we build a fence to keep this gut out?’ … There’s a new sex poll. … According to researchers, there are 237 reasons why people have sex. … For me, number two would be my credit card went through. A little farther down on the list, I happen to be in an elevator with Paris Hilton. … Reason 237: something to do while my wife is running for president” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/1).
Jon Stewart: “Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were both on television last night answering questions. A very unusual occurrence. Let me see if I can put it in some kind of perspective for you. To see a giant squid, that’s unusual. Certainly a Bigfoot sighting, very rare. But Rumsfeld and Cheney answering questions on the same day on television? It would be like a giant squid having sex with Bigfoot as the ghost of Jim Morrison claps giddily. … An hour-long encounter between Vice President Dick Cheney and CNN’s Larry King. Together, of course, they’re known as the … teaching hospital for cardiology. I’m telling ya, anything that can happen to a human heart, you’re looking at it with those two fellas right there. … Obviously, Cheney more on top of his game than Rumsfeld. He’s going to skip right to the nothing to regret part [on screen: Cheney saying ‘no,’ when asked if he ever thinks he might be wrong]. About anything. As a matter of fact, I’ll tell you this, Larry, if that guy put his face in front of my gun again, I’d shoot him. I thought he deserved it. He blocked my view” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 8/1).
Stephen Colbert: “These days they let college kids do anything they want. They live in co-ed dorms, make friends with people from different backgrounds — both in the real world and on the MyFace — and they can even eat cereal for dinner. It is chaos. We need to address this crisis, which brings us to tonight’s ‘Word.’ College credit. … Our young people are being taught that all knowledge is valuable whether or not it leads to a promising career. But the fact is, folks, there is a real world difference between a graduate with an advertising degree [on screen: Account Executive In Five Years] and one with an art history degree [on screen: Account Executive In Six Years]” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/1).
Conan O’Brien: “The new prime minister of England visited New York this week. … It’s been reported that on Monday, Prime Minister Gordon Brown of England secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day. … New York has started a new safe sex program where they hand out condoms at senior citizen centers. Unfortunately, HBO is suing the senior condom program ’cause they claim they own the name ‘Deadwood'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 8/1).
Jay Leno: “Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney had a device implanted that monitors his heart beat. To test the device, doctors had to induce a mild heart attack. You know how they did it? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel. … Working on Dick Cheney’s heart. Boy, talk about microsurgery. … It seems the little tiff … between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their last argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other now. When they do speak, it’s really icy. As Hillary calls that, ‘marriage.’ … Congratulations to the Iraqi soccer team. They won the Asian Cup over the weekend. That’s a huge deal for them. They said there was so much celebratory gunfire, you couldn’t hear the regular gunfire. … A lot of credit goes to their star player Akhmed Beckham” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/30).
David Letterman: “Over the weekend, the Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. … Iraq now has a championship team. So we can go home, right? … What a thrilling contest. … It was won by Iraqi soccer star Younes Mahmoud. … You ought to see his wife Posh Mahmoud. … Happy Birthday to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde. … Arnold, like everybody, is getting old. In fact, they are making a new documentary about his life. It’s entitled ‘Pumping Fiber'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/30).
Jon Stewart: “For months now, Democrats have talked tough, vowing they would hold the Bush administration accountable for their egregious mishandling of what many in the media are calling ‘the world.’ Well, numerous feckless Senate hearings, one useless all-night filibuster and three non-binding resolutions later, the Democrats finally decided it’s go time [on screen: Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) saying he will subpoena Karl Rove]. Karl Rove, the administration’s turd-blossom … has been called to account, and what happened then? Well, in DC, they say Pat Leahy’s balls grew three sizes that day. … The Democrats are going to feel really stupid though for doing that. You know why? Because compelling Mr. Rove to testify under an oath is completely unnecessary [on screen: WH spokesperson Tony Snow saying, ‘We have actually made Karl Rove available to that committee under conditions where he’s going to tell the truth]. Under conditions where he’s going to tell the truth? The room must be pitch black … and festooned with lilies and beeswax candles. It must be a full moon, but not too full. His inquisitors must stand before him naked, holding a bowl of craisens, which are like raisins but with cranberries. And then, and only then, can the truth be heard” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/30).
John Oliver, on the Iraqi soccer team’s win at the Asian Cup being a “symbolic” victory: “In that case, they’re well on the way to winning the symbolic World Cup. No doubt cheered on by their figurative fans and returning to a jubilant metaphorical nation. … Perhaps now their hypothetical government will be inspired to pseudo bring some quasi order to this ‘country.’ … Seven people were killed in the celebration. I grant you that was great news for Iraq. It’s very rare for a thing to happen here causing so few deaths. However, I would point out that in the celebration celebrating the single digit death toll, 11 more were killed. That, I think, wisely was marked with a moment of quiet contemplation. Five were killed” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/30).
Aasif Mandvi, asked if the tone in Washington can get any more vitriolic: “The good news is I don’t think it can. At the current rate of usage, the contempt with which Congress views the White House, the White House views the Congress, and both view the American people, scientists estimate the country will be out of contempt sometime early next year. … Unlike oil, it is a finite resource. … Brothers and sisters, if we are going to have a sustainable resentment policy that leaves enough contempt for our grandchildren, we have to act now. Here’s three easy things you can do: One, don’t heap scorn. A little goes a long way. Don’t spit in someone’s face when rolling your eyes is just as demeaning. Two, become an emotional hybrid. Did you know most people can’t tell the difference between someone who’s filled with contempt and someone who is 60% contempt, 40% Schadenfreude? And three, before you say anything about someone with whom you disagree politically, ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to be such a douchebag about it?'” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/30).
Stephen Colbert: “It’s time for the ‘Threat Down.’ … Threat Number Two: Scottish surgeons. After a suicide bomber crashed a burning jeep into Glasgow Airport last month, Scottish surgeons have given him skin grafts. Skin grafts from sharks. This is leading to a nightmare future of shark terrorist hybrids. One half hates us for our freedom, the other half craves us for our succulent man flesh. They’re like the frosted mini wheats of death. We must protect our ports by cross-breeding dolphins with Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff. … The Number One Threat: badgers. According to Australia’s Daily Telegraph, ‘the Iraqi port city of Basra has now been gripped by a scary rumor — giant badgers are stalking the streets at night, eating humans.’ But this isn’t new, folks. According to the director of Basra’s veterinary hospital, ‘these animals appeared before the fall of the regime in 1986.’ So, can we please end the debate. Saddam Hussein clearly had badgers of mass destruction” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/19).
Conan O’Brien: “The new prime minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown, met with President Bush this weekend and he praised Bush’s leadership. Afterwards, even Bush said, ‘That guy’s hilarious.’ … Today, the White House announced they want to sell Saudi Arabia $20 billion worth of weapons. Saudi Arabia is going to pay for the weapons by giving us five or six gallons of gas. … Earlier today, Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq during August, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since June or July” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/30).
Jay Leno: “A panel investigating NASA found a heavy use of alcohol by astronauts before launches. In at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated that they actually posed a health risk. Maybe that’s why they call it the Kennedy Space Center. … More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain’s media team has resigned. McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign’s new media spokesman … John McCain” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/27).
David Letterman: “I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but we’re very proud. The ‘Late Show’ is on the official list of New York City’s most popular tourist attractions. We are right between the Lexington Avenue crater and the birthplace of Eliot Spitzer. … Senator Hillary Clinton, down there in Washington, DC, appeared on the Senate floor wearing a pink blazer and a skimpy top. She looked so hot, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a drink. … She looked so hot, everyone thought she was Senator Vitter’s date. … She looked so hot, by mistake, Bill hit on her” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/27).
Jay Leno: “President Bush got a colonoscopy over the weekend. He had it done at Camp David. After seeing the movie ‘Sicko,’ he didn’t want to go to a hospital. … According to a study by the New England Journal of Medicine, obesity can be socially contagious. That means the more time you spend hanging around heavy people, the more likely you yourself will become fat. … If it was contagious, Clinton would have contracted it years ago. … Here is a very bizarre story. It’s been all over the news. … A cat in a nursing home in Providence, Rhode Island, can predict patients’ deaths. They say the cat will walk through and curl up next to a patient, and within four hours that patient dies. That cat has been correct in 25 cases so far. … Today, the cat curled up next to the John McCain campaign” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/26).
David Letterman: “Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? Oh man, talk about easy on the eyes. The woman is getting sexier and sexier. She’s so sexy that the other day, by accident, Bill hit on her. … Michael Chertoff, the Secretary of Homeland Security, said he had a gut feeling this might happen. … Anyway, Hillary is dressing sexier. Yesterday, she was seen shopping at Victoria Pantsuit. … What a knockout. She’s a bona fide babe now. She’s telling friends she wants to be our commander-in-heat” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/26).
Jon Stewart: “When I say New Zealand, you probably think of two things. One, hey didn’t they shoot ‘Lord of the Rings’ there? And two, isn’t that where they shot ‘Lord of the Rings’? Well, if that’s all you know about New Zealand, you’re right. But, New Zealand, or as the locals there call it the place they shot ‘Lord of the Rings,’ is a real country. The government there, though democratically elected, recently passed an order prohibiting broadcasters from using footage of lawmakers in their parliament for satire, ridicule or denigration. Well, this cannot stand. … People of New Zealand … you may not be able to s— on your politicians, but I can be your anus. … New Zealand, when it comes to satire, you are not alone. No country is an island. Well, actually …” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/26).
Stephen Colbert: “I want to talk about hemp. Hemp is what agro-burnouts like to call weak marijuana that’s grown on farms and used primarily used to make industrial cloths and rope. Hemp has been a problem in America since its very beginning. Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Which explains this little-known passage in the Declaration of Independence: ‘Governments are like instituted among men, Oh my God I’m so high, deriving their just powers from the consent of the do you think people can tell I’m so high right now? of the government'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/26).
Jay Leno: “There’s a brand new book out about Dick Cheney. It’s a very intimate portrait of Cheney’s life. It’s called ‘Tuesdays with Meanie'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/25).
David Letterman: “President Bush is also having a bad week. Senate investigations, congressional hearings, a colonoscopy — I’m telling you, it’s just one probe after another” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/25).
Jon Stewart: “Big, big balance of power news out of Washington. The House Judiciary Committee has cited White House chief of staff Josh Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers with contempt of Congress. By the way, when they cite them for contempt of Congress, they’re obviously not referring to the existential disgust we all have for Congress. Rather, it’s Miers and Bolten’s refusal to testify under oath regarding Attorney General Alberto Gonzales’ alleged improper firing of nine United States attorneys. … Yesterday, because it was a weekday, Alberto Gonzales was called to testify. Now I’ve said before that Alberto Gonzales’ logic is well, mind numbing. But during yesterday’s testimony, he became the K2 of obfuscation” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/25).
Stephen Colbert: “Nation, I’ve got to be honest with you. I’m bored. Every day it is the same thing. Iraq this, Iraq that. I don’t want to talk about Iraq anymore. … Besides, all this war analysis is just spoilers. Hey New York Times, I didn’t ruin Harry Potter for you, don’t ruin this war for me. Can’t we all just wait until September when General Petraeus comes to Washington and tells us the ending? At least there’s one place that understands this — Fox News. According to a recent study from the Project for Excellence in Journalism, in the first quarter of this year, Fox spent less time covering the Iraq war than either CNN or MSNBC. Look, just because everyone else is reporting that the U.S. is jumping off a bridge in Iraq, that doesn’t mean Fox should report it too. They are focused on the homeland. Like Bill O’Reilly, who recently exposed trendy airline JetBlue for sponsoring a convention of bloggers from the far left website DailyKos.com. … Papa Bear is going after JetBlue sponsorship because DailyKos is such a vicious hate site. Just listen to some of the comments he found on it [on screen: O’Reilly reading, ‘The pope is a primate. Evangelicals are nutcases. Better luck next time after an assasination plot against Vice President Cheney in Afghanistan.’ O’Reilly, on DailyKos: ‘It’s like the Ku Klux Clan. It’s like the Nazi Party’]. Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum. … Bill and his median age 71-year-old viewers know just how the interwebs work. [on screen: O’Reilly saying, ‘Open forum is bull. You can regulate what’s on your website’]. And Bill knows that for a fact, because his website is a free and open forum. You just have to first pay $5 a month to become a premium member. I think $5 is a small price to pay to agree with what Bill says. … But I can’t give him all the credit. O’Reilly isn’t the only one out there tackling the big issues that aren’t Iraq. Luckily, there’s also ‘Hannity and Colmes.’ I love this show. It’s like watching Dorian Gray and his picture at the same time. Sean Hannity knows there is no greater threat to America today than Bill Clinton 15 years ago” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/25).
Jay Leno: “John Edwards is continuing his poverty tour around America. Today, he visited a group of people who get their haircut in a place called a ‘barber shop.’ He was horrified to hear that story. … India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India — not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer. … The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve? … An article in USA Today says the steam pipe explosion in New York the other day … is just another example of how most cities in America are way behind in upgrading their aging infrastructures. Like right here in Los Angeles, we still have a lot of old road signs written in English. … I finally saw ‘Sicko.’ But enough about Michael Vick. As you know, Michael Vick has been indicted for allegedly training dogs to fight to the death. See, that’s why I watch ‘The View.’ I like cat fighting” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/24).
David Letterman: “Anybody see the Democratic presidential debates last night? … Hillary Clinton — and you can take this to the bank — is sexier and sexier and sexier. I’m not kidding. Earlier today, down in Washington, DC, she shows up on the floor of the Senate dressed in a see-through pantsuit. … Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. … He’s okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word ‘colonoscopy.’ … It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/24).
Jon Stewart: “We’re devoting the entire show to last night’s Democratic debate on CNN. ‘But Jon,’ you say, ‘isn’t this but the fourth in a series of over 10,000 of these debates? Same questions, same answers?’ No! You’ve got it all wrong. This debate was co-sponsored by YouTube. In this debate, candidates will be asked video questions voters submitted on the web. If that just sounds like a town hall meeting only without any human interaction, dude, you just don’t get it [on screen: reports that this debate format is groundbreaking]. In fact, turn it off! Look away! You’re not ready. This debate will come at you in six dimensions. Candidates will answer questions posed by their future selves. The audience will breath through gills. … Anyway, in the same way that the Segway made legs obsolete, this debate will have no trouble living up to CNN’s hype. … CNN had but two modest goals for its YouTube debate. One, revolutionizing all human communication for the rest of measurable time. And two? [on screen: CNN’s Bill Schneider saying, ‘This debate could expand the audience of young people who don’t tune into politics very much, but they do log on.’] These people like to get down before feeling each other up. Can you tell I feel sad inside?” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/24).
Jason Jones, on the YouTube debate: “I think ordinary people should get to have their own special debates, just like certain other groups of people get their own special … Olympics” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/24).
Stephen Colbert: “The Bush administration is constantly attacked for being the most secretive in history. … But let me ask you something: if they are truly the most secretive administration in history, would they have told us over the weekend that the president handed over power to Dick Cheney for two hours while he went and got a camera stuck up his butt? … The next time some pundit out there wants to call the president secretive, stick a camera up your butt, then tell your viewers about it. Not so easy, is it?” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/24).
Jimmy Kimmel: “This weekend, President Bush was unconscious — even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn’t want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. … They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President’s Libby” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 7/24).
Jay Leno: “On Saturday, President Bush underwent a colonoscopy. It was performed by Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. … White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said that during the procedure, President Bush was ‘asleep, but responsive.’ So, how is that different from any other day? … In fact, you know what they gave President Bush for sedation? A really long word to pronounce. … Doctors said that during the colonoscopy, they did find something — five polyps and two reporters from Fox News. … Drew Carey … is the new ‘Price is Right’ guy, replacing Bob Barker. I guess Conan can’t do everything” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/23).
David Letterman: “President Bush … had that colonoscopy over the weekend. … I didn’t realize this until after the fact, but in order to … get insurance for that colonoscopy, Bush had to pretend to marry a fireman. … The doctors found five polyps. And I was thinking, ‘Hell, maybe we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.’ … But everything’s fine. The procedure went well. After the operation on Bush’s colon, the doctors put his head back up his ass” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/23).
Jon Stewart: “For a couple of hours on Saturday morning … Dick Cheney was the president. President Bush underwent a colonoscopy and while he was under anesthesia, his powers were officially transferred to the vice president. Did you feel it? Did you know he was the president? It might’ve not been obvious. There might’ve not been a thunder clap. You might not have seen, let’s say, your neighbor’s eyes bleeding. … But you might’ve, I don’t know, had a vague feeling as you were making your coffee on Saturday morning that you’d failed everyone who’d ever loved you. And you didn’t know why you were feeling that. It was, perhaps, because with Dick Cheney as president, he had the power to turn good thoughts bad. … The president had five polyps removed from his lower intestines. And here’s the interesting part: they were removed for political reasons. Apparently, these polyps were not loyal Bushies and had to be replaced by more appropriate, die hard Republican polyps. Apparently, the polyps who were removed began asking questions as to why they were removed, but it was too late. … An ass-scope has still not been invented to plum the depths of the s—hole that we’ve created in Iraq. But it is time for an update courtesy of our ambassador to the country, Ryan Crocker. Of course, he’s over in Baghdad, so he gave his testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee via a 60-inch plasma TV screen. … [on screen: Crocker using ‘fear’ as his one word to sum up the situation in Iraq]. … If I had to sum it up in one cheese, I guess it would stilton. No, no, fontina” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/23).
Samantha Bee, asked where the Cheney administration ranks: “Well, certainly this was a vast improvement over Cheney’s first term during President Bush’s 2002 colonoscopy. … As you know, the president only has medical procedures at times the vice president is not having them. And, as it happens, Cheney was being operated on continually for the last five years” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/23).
Stephen Colbert: “Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson was recently on as a guest. Now, he’s known for his lustrous, pewter hair. It’s like a silver plated swathe. His hair should consider detaching from his scalp and running as an independent. But, last week, the senator got much more than the Colbert bump. According to the Associated Press, when Nelson showed up on the ‘Colbert Report’ on Monday, his silver hair was back to its original shade of brown. Now, I didn’t notice the color change at the time because when I’m interviewing, my rage is so intense I only see in infrared. … Nelson has blamed the color change on a bad hair rinse, but this is ridiculous. The simpler explanation is my interview area is a fountain of youth. … This discovery should be a real draw for the presidential candidates, especially Republicans. I’m talking to you, Fred Thompson. One visit to my interview area and you will be majestic. And what about you, Rudy Giuliani? We can bring you to a time when you had a lustrous head of comb over. Now, Mitt Romney may want to stay away. If that mane gets any denser, he’s moving dangerously closer to wolf man territory. Then he’d have to start making campaign flights in a pet carrier” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/23).
Bill Maher: “The comedy Gods are smiling on me tonight. I have been saying for the longest time that President Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass. And by God, today they went in and looked for it. … At least for once in our lifetimes, we saw the words ‘Bush,’ ‘operation,’ and ‘success’ in the same sentence. … Rudy Giuliani … actually brags on the campaign trail that on 9/11, as the towers are going down, he turns to his super corrupt chief of police and said, ‘Thank God George Bush is president.’ That alone should disqualify a person from any higher office. … Rudy Giuliani is probably going to be the next president of the United States … because it’s all about image. He’s got the big anti-terrorist image. On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife … whoever that may be at the time. … Giuliani’s first wife was his cousin. I’m not making that up. I think that’s a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote. … On the Democratic side, the only two candidates who could not actually run together on a ticket are Hillary [Clinton] and Barack Obama, because that’s too much non-male whiteness for America. … And the Republicans would have a field day if they ran together. First, Bush would call like twelve fake terror alerts. And then the Republicans would run a series of ads about how terrorism is happening now again … and this is no time to trust the country to a woman and a black teenager” (“Bill Maher: The Decider,” HBO, 7/21).
Jay Leno: “Tomorrow, President Bush will undergo a routine colonoscopy. You know what they found the last time Bush had a colonoscopy? His head. … While he is under, they will temporarily transfer power to Dick Cheney. Well, good luck getting that power back. By noon tomorrow, he will have invaded Iran, Syria and Malibu. … The U.S. Ambassador to Iraq said today he was not aware of any plan B strategy by our government for Iraq. Of course there’s no plan B. We don’t have a plan A. … John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, sometimes it says he shampoos his hair and then skips conditioner completely. … Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is in the hospital for food poisoning. You ever see Kucinich? Doesn’t he always look like he always has food poisoning? … Reverend Al Sharpton said today he will not object to Don Imus returning to the airwaves. He went on to say he will further not object to every media outlet in America interviewing him when Imus does return to the airwaves” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/20).
David Letterman: “You know who got married last weekend? Al Gore’s daughter. … Al Gore is no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting. … Today is the 38th anniversary of the first man on the moon. … That’s remarkable. And just as remarkable, we’re still waiting for the first man on Condoleezza Rice. … ‘Hairspray’ opened today. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. … He’s so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/20).
Conan O’Brien: “Tomorrow, President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he’s going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That’s right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Voldemort will be running the country. … In a speech about foreign policy yesterday, Rudy Giuliani said that America needs to focus more on Pakistan. Giuliani says he knows more about Pakistan than the other candidates because he spent so much time in New York City cabs” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/20).
Jimmy Kimmel: “The spokesman for the White House, Tony Snow, told the press corps today that Dick Cheney is going to president for two hours tomorrow. … President Bush will be unconscious because he’s having a colonoscopy. I guess the doctors are going into the president’s colon because they suspect that’s where his head has been all of this time” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 7/20).
Jay Leno: “As you know, the Democrats want to pull the troops out of Iraq in 120 days, ’cause the Iraqi government has only met eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. They’ve had eight accomplishments. You know something? That’s more than our Congress has had. … According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low. Only 14% of people approve of Congress. 14%! And that’s just the hookers that work for the DC madam. … A lot of conservatives on radio and TV … are now claiming Republican Senator David Vitter is not a hypocrite for talking about the sanctity of marriage while cheating on his wife with prostitutes. So exactly what would you have to do — have sex with the hooker while apologizing to your wife on TV? … Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate. It will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that one? We’re looking at a $1,500 haircut. … According to a new study, a married man is four times more likely to die during sex if his partner is not his wife. So, more bad news for Mayor Villaraigosa. … Just 24 hours until the new ‘Harry Potter’ book comes out. The ending has already been leaked. You know, that Scooter Libby has gone too far” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/19).
David Letterman: “Yesterday … not too far from here, a big underground hot water pipe exploded. … If you go down there, right there in the middle of the street is a 15-by-20-foot crater. … But don’t worry … by tomorrow, it will have a Starbucks. … Here was the problem: the steam pipe that blew up was was laid in 1924, along with Joan Rivers. … The annual Emmy Awards nominations were announced earlier today, and the ‘Late Show’ … received three nominations. … As you know, the Emmy is a rare honor given to just about everyone in television. … We’re in kind of a weird category. We’re up against Rosie O’Donnell’s blog and David Hasselhoff eating a cheeseburger off the floor” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/19).
Jon Stewart: “Many people have criticized the Bush administration’s strategy in the global war on terror. Their plan has always been to take the fight to al Qaeda and slowly, but surely destroy them. … So, Mr. President, if you had to sum up your strategy? [on screen: Bush saying al Qaeda has been weakened]. Well, Tuesday saw the release of the latest war on terror progress report, a new National Intelligence Estimate on the terrorist threat to the homeland. It says al Qaeda has re-established its central organization, gained a safe haven in Pakistan, and rather than being hurt by the war in Iraq, has been instead ‘energized’ by it and helped Osama bin Laden to recruit and raise funds. … But most important about the NIE? It proves once and for all why we must stay in Iraq [on screen: Bush saying, ‘The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September 11th’]. The same folks? First of all, what exactly do you have to do to people to lose your colloquial status as ‘folks’? … But even if the administration is suggesting that the current resurgence of al Qaeda in Pakistan and Iraq is proof that we were right to go into Iraq, how can they deny it was the removal of our troops from Afghanistan to go to Iraq that caused the chaos allowing al Qaeda to come back in the first place? [on screen: WH Homeland Security Adviser Fran Townsend saying the administration is not able to judge if al Qaeda has increased its numbers in Iraq from pre-war levels]. So that’s how they can deny it? They can play retarded. How could we know how much al Qaeda was in Iraq before the invasion when we didn’t know s— about Iraq when we went in?” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/19).
Stephen Colbert: “As you may have heard, John McCain’s Straight Talk Express has hit some bumps in the road lately, and many of those bumps turned out to be former passengers. Last week, McCain’s strategists Terry Nelson and John Weaver left the campaign. Then, on Monday, the senator lost communications director Brian Jones and deputies Matt Paul and Danny Diaz. I believe the McCain campaign now consists of the senator, his wife, and this guy they picked up hitch-hiking. Which is why, regrettably, I must formally announce that I, too, am leaving the McCain campaign. … This is a decision made all the more difficult by the fact I never worked for the McCain campaign. … John McCain isn’t the only candidate out there who is suffering. Over the weekend, former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. His departure strikes a severe blow to his party’s diversity. Of the nine white Christian men running, Gilmore was the only one with a wife named Roxanne. We no longer have that choice” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/19).
Conan O’Brien: “Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75% of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think we can do it by 2010. USA! USA! … A couple who’s getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early, so they can be among the first people to buy the final ‘Harry Potter’ book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will be decorated with a sign that says ‘Just Losers'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/19).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He’s fine now. He was released from the Cleveland Children’s Hospital yesterday. He’s now back home, resting comfortably in a hollow tree. I guess he ate out of the wrong bird feeder” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 7/19).
Jay Leno: “A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That’s the best report card he’s ever got in his life. … Fox News is now reporting that there are people in the CIA who are working against President Bush’s policy by using incompetence. So apparently, they are fighting fire with fire. … Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It’s a tough decision for people. … Vitter’s wife was by his side when he made the announcement. She called the senator her ‘best friend.’ Unfortunately, his best friend is someone named Thumper. … John McCain has a new campaign slogan, ‘An Army Of One.’ … I don’t want to say McCain’s campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store. …” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/18).
David Letterman: “Pope Benedict will be visiting New York City in the spring. … The good news is he’s bringing his wife Posh Benedict. … Last night, down in Washington, DC, they had the all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the DC madam’s slowest night ever. … But it was a pretty eventful session. Listen to this … Barack Obama dozed off for 15 minutes and raised another $10 million. … The Republicans were saying, ‘Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq.’ And I’m thinking, ‘Well hell, chaos would be an improvement.’ …” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/18).
Jon Stewart: “Yesterday, Democratic senators made everybody stay after quorum for an all-night session to debate whether or not they would be allowed to vote on an amendment requiring the president to begin withdrawing at least some troops from Iraq within a 120 days-ish. Oh, it’s powerful stuff. … To go all night, senators only need three things: cots, pizza, and Ted Stevens, who’s there to remind them that if they do fall asleep, he will hunt them down and kill them in their dreams. … So why did this all-night session happen? Because while Democrats have a majority in the Senate, they don’t have the 60-vote supermajority needed to bring bills like this to a vote, thus forcing the Democrats to stay up all night to prevent the Republicans from staging an all-night, vote-blocking filibuster. You can see why we’re fighting so hard to export this type of government to Iraq” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/18).
Stephen Colbert: “I just got a wake-up call. I want to thank the administration and the media for re-frightening me about al Qaeda. … The terror level in my pants has been raised to Code Brown. Of course, the nightmarish footage they’ve been rolling with these stories strikes fear in all our hearts. al Qaeda does push-ups. They work the monkey bars. Ladies and gentlemen, al Qaeda has acquired junior high gym class technology. … Yes, al Qaeda is back, folks. They are strong. They are the ones we are fighting in Iraq, where things are going great. Sure, if you watch the media’s coverage of the war, you’ll see a lot of horrific images — devastated city streets, heavily armed insurgents, Alan Colmes. But they’re focusing on the wrong parts of the story. … No one knows this better than White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. This is what he told conservative bloggers last week about the media’s coverage of the war: ‘So far we’ve had very few visuals to confirm what Americans want to believe.’ Right you are, Tony. And that brings us to tonight’s ‘Word’ [on screen: smiley face]. What Americans want to believe is more important than what’s actually happening. And what we want to believe is that we’re winning [on screen: A Fabulous 10-Year Trip To Iraq!] That is why we re-elected George Bush back in 2004. A lot of people had doubts about this war, but the president kept saying, ‘We will win it’ [on screen: He Might Have Meant Ohio]. … President Bush does not believe we should bring our troops home until we’ve won, but if we can all believe we’ve won, the president can believe it’s time to bring them home. Everybody gets what they want [on screen: Especially Iran]. We have to fight them here, so we can stop fighting them over there. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/18).
Conan O’Brien: “This week, President Bush announced he’s launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, ‘It’s fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn’t cause.’ … Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders, that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/18).
Jimmy Kimmel: “CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton’s campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Macguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. … And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. … They say as goes Papa Smurf, so goes the South. … The most important question, though, is who does Oprah support? It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer’s frozen fruit bars as one of Oprah’s favorite things. I guess their names are so similar, she got confused and thought she was supporting herself for president” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 7/18).
Jay Leno: “Another scorching day. You know, they say this heat is either due to global warming or because it’s July. … But it was hot today, wasn’t it? It was so hot, the L.A. Archdiocese paid a kid $1.3 million for a glass of lemonade. … The Los Angeles Catholic Archdiocese has paid $660 million to settle these sexual abuse claims. Plus, they also have to release all the priests’ confidential, personal files. I think those are called pedo-philes. … At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted being involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters — the working men and the working girls of Louisiana. … He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven’t seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey gave his famous ‘I’m a gay American’ speech. … In other political news, John McCain’s communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment … because his communications director quit. … According to the latest reports, al Qaeda is increasing efforts to sneak into the United States. And they are getting pretty serious about it. I understand now they’re learning Spanish. … Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he’s above now is the law” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/17).
David Letterman: “Tonight, down in Washington, DC, Congress is working around the clock to try and solve the problem in Iraq. And I was thinking, ‘Gee, maybe they should have done that before we went in.’ … That’s right, Congress is working all night. At least Senator Vitter’s wife will know where he is. … How about that Osama bin Laden? He’s got another one of those videos. … This is really creepy stuff. … He is a maniacal extremist, he’s full of threats, there’s a lot of ranting. No, wait a minute. That’s Rosie O’Donnell’s blog” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/17).
Jon Stewart: “I’m not a fan of personal vendetta gotcha style politics, where a politician’s private sexual behavior … is used against him. … But there can be exceptions. Take Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who came to prominence in the ’90s demanding President Clinton’s impeachment for the Monica Lewinsky affair. Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot. Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. … It kinda reminds me of the old saying, ‘The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn’t.’ … As you may have heard, the Catholic Church has engaged in a couple of cover-ups of sexual abuse of children by priests, a practice some have deemed controversial. But for victims in one archdiocese, closure is on the way. Los Angeles Cardinal Roger Mahony announced a $660 million settlement to a class action suit, ending a four-year battle with victims’ families. … The $660 million will be divvied up amongst the 508 adult survivors … according to degree of abuse. Seriously? Bad enough you were abused. Now you’re going to be punished for not being abused enough. … Here’s the best part — this is true — nearly half the money is coming from insurance companies … because the church had sexual abuse insurance. Which means you are now going to have to explain what happened to you … to a claims adjuster” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/17).
Stephen Colbert: “As we speak at 11:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time in Washington, Republican senators are being forced to stay up all night debating yet another Democratic proposal on a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. Still, this is an opportunity for Republicans to stand up for what they believe in — keeping us in Iraq no matter what. So, at this late hour, heroes like Trent Lott and John McCain are in the Senate trenches, kept in the line of political fire much longer than any of them signed on for. Democrats, bring these boys home. … Just because some Republican senators have recently spoken out against the war does not mean they should be forced to actually vote against it. It’s like a relationship — you just have to trust how they feel. Don’t make them say those three little words — end the war. … Besides, this whole staying up all night thing is just a partisan stunt. Like Mitch McConnell said, ‘it is theater, and bad theater at that.’ Yes, it is the worst theater since the Democrats held the Senate for a full production of ‘Cats.’ Though Harry Reid did shine as Mungo Jerry. … One Republican who is at tonight’s debate is Louisiana Senator David Vitter. He returned to work today, fighting for his political life after his phone number turned up in the records of alleged DC madam Jane Pauley. What? I’m sorry, I misread that. Deborah Jeane Palfrey. That is a much less interesting story. … Vitter’s asked for forgiveness from God and his wife. But, of course, the Democrats have no respect for God or wives. So they made a political issue out if it. They say Vitter’s a hypocrite. I say he’s tonight’s ‘Word.’ Victimcrite. The Dems are trying to use Vitter’s human frailty for their politics of personal destruction [on screen: Whorehouse Veterans For Truth]. … When Vitter replaced [Rep. Bob] Livingston, he then voted to impeach Clinton, calling President Clinton ‘morally unfit to govern’ [on screen: But Great Wingman]. Vitter has also campaigned as a family values conservative who received a prestigious award from the Family Research Council [on screen: Best Actor In A Marriage]. … His critics … are demanding the senator resign. I say, senator, your country needs you, stay strong [on screen: If You ‘Stay Strong’ More Than Four Hours, Call A Doctor]. Where would we be, folks, if everyone who advocated a position had to live up to it? That would mean anyone who supported a war would have to be willing to fight one [on screen: Pres. Bush and VP Cheney]. So, America, don’t punish people like David Vitter for decrying our corrupt culture while secretly indulging in it. They’re only doing it because they want to protect us so much, they’re willing to save us from them [on screen: Victimcrite]. And that’s ‘The Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 7/17).
Conan O’Brien: “According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is ‘none of the above.’ At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind ‘Good Lord, not him.’ … In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush’s favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president’s list — nacho spaghetti and corn dog pudding” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/17).
Jay Leno: “Boy, it was hot today. … It was so hot, Mayor Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Coulter just to cool off. … What does the mayor of Los Angeles have in common with President Bush? Apparently, neither of them have any plans to pull out soon. … The latest sex scandal concerns Florida Republican state Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested … for offering to perform a sex act on an undercover police officer in exchange for $20. $20? Finally, a politician who’s not afraid to put his money where his mouth is. … Osama bin Laden has released another new video. See, that shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as ‘Harry Potter.’ … On this latest tape, bin Laden says, ‘a happy man is one who dies for his religion.’ Do you ever notice the one who is giving the advice is never the one blowing himself up? … Sports Illustrated says that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is like a ‘golf nut’ now. She plays golf all the time. She went golfing with Cheney. Condoleezza shot an 83 and Cheney shot two attorneys and an accountant. … The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. … $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are — Scooter Libby? … Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. His youngest daughter Sarah got married over the weekend. Very happy for them, although Al couldn’t enjoy the reception. He was so obsessed with how fast the ice sculpture was melting” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/16).
David Letterman: “The U.S. government is now offering $50 million for the capture of Osama bin Laden. $50 million for the capture of Osama bin Laden. Are you like me, thinking, ‘Wow, do we really have that much left?’ … To sweeten the deal, the money will be presented by Howie Mandel. … There’s one of those new creepy Osama bin Laden videos. He released a new video. This one is extra creepy. … In this one, he’s eating a cheeseburger off the floor. … The Pope will be visiting New York City next spring. He will be addressing the United Nations and then he’ll perform an exorcism at ‘The View'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/16).
Jon Stewart: “Imagine my surprise when I come back to work and find out that the president of the United States commuted Scooter Libby’s sentence. How little does the president care what you think about that? [on screen: Bush saying it was a ‘fair and balanced’ decision]. He’s literally just using Fox News’ slogan now. … Here’s the thing about the phrase ‘fair and balanced’ — the president means it just as much as Fox does. … But obviously the top story while we were gone had to be the war in Iraq. As you know, we are now entering our fifth year of making very good progress in Iraq. Obviously, the president defining progress now as ‘moving forward through time.’ … (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 7/16).
Conan O’Brien: “The former mayor of Newark, New Jersey, has been indicted on corruption charges. Folks, if he’s found guilty, he’ll have to serve five years in prison or 10 years in Newark. … Fidel Castro, in a recent speech, said the United States cannot not successfully compete with Cuba. If you want to hear the speech, it is available in Havana on 8-Track tape. … Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Gilmore said he dropped out because, ‘I don’t have the star power of a Tom Tancredo or a Mike Huckabee'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/16).
Jay Leno: “An Iranian man has been stoned to death for committing adultery. Stoned to death. And today, the L.A. mayor cancelled his trip to Tehran. … Mayor Villaraigosa. Do you know what Villaraigosa means in Spanish? It means ‘Duck, my wife is coming.’ … That’s the big story here in Los Angeles. As you probably know, our mayor was found having a relationship with a TV reporter from Telemundo. See, political reporters and politicians never end up in bed with each other. That’s how we got into the Iraq war. … Department of Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said he had a gut feeling Senator Vitter’s marriage may be in trouble. … Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients’ phone numbers. Here’s my question: If you’re so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place? … The DC madam said he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him … and they didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste. … Here’s just the creepiest part of the story: there are now reports that the senator paid prostitutes to dress him up in a diaper. He’s not denying these allegations. He did poo-poo them though. … It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected. … According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a ‘golf nut.’ She’s pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can’t get out of? Iraq. … Former President Clinton about to publish a new book called ‘Giving.’ … Really? Shouldn’t ‘Getting’ be the name of the book? .. Senator Ted Kennedy reported to jury duty this week, but they refused to take him. The judge said Kennedy’s huge head would block the view of the other 11 jurors. … Earlier today, the Senate voted 87-1 to raise the bounty on Osama bin Laden to $50 million. … Which sounds like a lot, until you realize we here in L.A. paid $250 million to get David Beckham” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/13).
David Letterman: “On this very day in 1983, Antarctica recorded the lowest temperature ever. -179 degrees. … Today? 82 and sunny. How ’bout that?” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/13).
Conan O’Brien: “I’ve got the latest on the Miss New Jersey scandal. … Pageant officials say that Miss New Jersey will not be punished, despite the fact she posed for embarrassing photos. An official said, ‘Living with the title ‘Miss New Jersey’ is punishment enough.’ … This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. And guess what? For the 5,000th year in a row, burkas are in. … On a recent flight to Oklahoma City, a flight attendant kicked a mother and her baby off a plane because the baby was too loud. Then, the flight attendant got on the intercom and said, ‘Fat people, you’re next'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/13).
Jimmy Kimmel: “President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there’s plenty of reason for optimism, although I’m starting to get the feeling he doesn’t know what that word means. … The president’s approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. … Right now, President Bush is ranked somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, at this rate, he’s expected to rank between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 7/13).
Jay Leno: “A lot of sex scandals in the news this week, it’s unbelievable. Our own mayor here in Los Angeles admitted to having an affair with a very young, very attractive reporter from the Spanish language network, whose job it was to cover him. … Talk about being an embedded reporter, man, gives that a whole new meaning. But I guess the mayor got some good news today, he got a big endorsement from In-N-Out. … And on the Republican side, the darling of the religious right, conservative Senator David Vitter of Louisiana has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. And today that crazy astronaut called him ‘my dream guy! He’s got my vote.’ … Today, Vitter put out a statement saying he only started to cheat on his wife after he started to hang out with the wrong crowd, you know — Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, Mayor of L.A. … And listen to this, here’s another bizarre one. A member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain’s Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the officer for $20. How broke is the McCain campaign? I knew they needed money, I had no idea. Man, that’s not a good sign when you’re sending guys to the men’s room to raise money. … What is it with Republicans and weird sex? If it’s not young boys, it’s diapers, some other strange fetish… Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and Barack Obama have all agreed to appear at the first ever gay debate. The whole debate will only be for gay issues, like gay marriage and things like that. They’re calling it the first ever all-musical presidential debate. … John Edwards said today he has always supported gay rights. Edwards said the only problem he’s had with gays is ‘Okay, maybe they charge too much for a haircut.’ … And according to the gossip columnist Liz Smith, Paris Hilton has been asked to campaign for Hillary Clinton. I believe it was Bill that asked her. Imagine that, Paris Hilton campaigning for Hillary? You thought a lot of people saw Hillary’s last campaign video” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/12).
David Letterman: “It’s so beautiful down in Washington, a senator from Louisiana took a couple hookers to the park. The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter I think is his name, he’s admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, DC, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he’s fiscally prudent. … President Bush was talking about Iraq today and he said that the United States and Iraq has met eight out of 18 of the benchmarks … required in Iraq. If things don’t improve, people are going to think the war isn’t going well. … And how about Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff,? He says he had a gut feeling there could be a new terror attack. Said he had a ‘gut’ feeling. Coincidentally, Al Gore said he had a gut feeling he needed more pie” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/12).
Conan O’Brien: “Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can’t health care be more fabulous? … Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while president Bush praised her as a lady and a bird. … This week, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said he is opposed to medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did said he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine. … This is odd, a politician in California wants to put an eight percent tax on all porn movies and X-rated entertainment. The politician says it could raise $100 million a year, and that’s just from Charlie Sheen” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/12).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff said this week he has a gut feeling we may get attacked by al Qaeda this summer. He also said he has a bad feeling about the new Catherine Zeta Jones movie ‘No Reservations'” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 7/12).
David Letterman: “In the new [Harry Potter] movie, Harry is prohibited from using his wand. I believe it’s the same deal Hillary has with Bill. … There’s another one of those prostitution scandals down there in Washington, DC. Louisiana Senator David Vitter admitted that he’s been visiting Washington area prostitutes. And I thought about this, ‘Whoa, wait a minute, a politician, paying for a hooker? I didn’t see that comin.’ … But good for Vitter, he said that it did not cost the taxpayers a cent. He pays for the hookers with his bribe money. … Well here’s good news, Osama Bin Laden’s son, Omar, just got married. Let’s see how he likes being terrorized. And you thought you had weird in-laws. … By the way, if you wanna send the couple a wedding gift, they have all the pipe bombs they need. What they could really use, they’d really like to have a fondu set” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/11).
Conan O’Brien: “A new poll finds that Dick Cheney has a 59% disapproval rating, which makes him the least popular vice president in history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids. … Next month, the Democratic presidential candidates … will participate in the first ever debate focused entirely on gay issues. Yeah, apparently in the gay debate when one candidate disagrees with another, they’ll be required to begin their rebuttal with ‘Girlfriend please!’ … The pope announced that the Catholic Church provides the only true path to salvation and that other Christian groups are either defective or not true churches. Yeah, the pope finished by saying that ‘God loves everyone, but he loves me more'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/11).
Jay Leno: “And welcome to Los Angeles, or as Mayor Villaraigosa calls it, ‘Sex In The City.’ … More news coming out about the big Live Earth concert, apparently Michael Jackson was supposed to perform, but didn’t due to a misunderstanding. Apparently he wound up on the wrong planet, yeah I don’t know what happened there. I think he was on Uranus. … Speaking of hookers, I love this story. Today, family values conservative Republican Senator from Louisiana David Vitter admitted he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently years ago this Senator Vitter guy had been seeing one of the DC Madam’s escorts. You think the Senator’s embarrassed? How about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician, eww. But he says he’s not going to talk about it out of respect for his wife, that’s what he said today. It’s all these guys getting caught with hookers, they have this newfound respect for their wife. Ya know something, when his pants were down around his ankles leaving the motel, I don’t see him going ‘you know, I love my wife.’ Well you know what makes it especially hypocritical: apparently Vitter has been a strong opponent of same-sex marriage, but today explained that too. Apparently he’s against having sex with the person you’re married to. … John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He’s now doing something called his ‘Poverty Tour’, where he’s visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain’s headquarters. … And People magazine reports that contrary to popular belief, June is not the biggest month for weddings. I also thought it was. July is, July is the biggest month. In fact, do you know this: 70 percent of all Rudy Giuliani marriages are in July …” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/10).
David Letterman: “Boy, you folks here in the audience, you’re here on a great night. Everybody in the theater tonight will have their sentence commuted by President Bush, congratulations. … Did you hear about this story? They have prostitutes in Washington D.C., and it now turns out that senators and congressmen and important, powerful people are dating the prostitutes. … And there’s a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted he’s been dating prostitutes. And he was very generous with one girl, he paid her with a new highway project in her home state. … One thing I’ll say for this guy from Louisiana, this David Vitter, at least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/10).
Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, President Bush hosted a town meeting style event in Cleveland. … During the event, Bush discussed strategies for getting out of Iraq, and strategies for getting out of Cleveland. … Of course, I got the latest from the presidential campaign, the other day Senator Hillary Clinton returned to her old stomping ground in Arkansas for a political event, yeah, she went back home. Hillary said for old times sake, she stopped by the Governor’s mansion and tore him a new one. … Hey, the new ‘Harry Potter’ movie comes out this week, and I hate to tell you this, but one reviewer called it the ‘dullest Harry Potter ever.’ Yeah, he could be right, because the new Harry Potter is called ‘Harry Potter and the Low Yield Municipal Bonds.’ …” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/10).
Jimmy Kimmel: “We have a little sex scandal going on here in Los Angeles. Our Mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, admitted last week he’s been having an affair with a news reporter from Telemundo — that’s a Spanish language channel. And I’ll admit there’s not a single woman on that channel I wouldn’t have sex with” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 7/10).
TOP TEN WORDS YOU COULDN’T SAY ON TELEVISION 20 YEARS AGO
4. Aer Lingus
2. Dick Butkus
1. Ballcock (CBS, 7/10).
Jay Leno: “Hey, did you see all those doctors last week involved in the terrorist attack at the Glasgow Airport? How scary was that? You thought the doctors at your HMO were bad. … And Happy Birthday, President Bush. He turns 61 on Friday, but since he’s president, he had his age commuted down to 59. … Ya know, this President Bush had commuted Scooter Libby because he felt that 30 months in jail for four felonies was way too harsh, so he reduced it a little back to nothing, zero. See, that’s called the rich white guy reduction. See, that’s ’cause his name’s Scooter. There’s not a lot of guys named Jamal gettin’ that deal. Nah, Jamal is doin’ 30 months for jaywalking. … And President Bush told British reporters last week he wishes he was a better speaker — at least that’s what they think he said. They’re not quite sure …” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 7/9).
David Letterman: “Washington, DC: It’s so hot down there, a chunk of ice fell off Dick Cheney. So hot, Scooter Libby wishes he was in the cooler. … So hot today, President Bush pardoned Al Roker. So hot, Al Gore’s son was doing 100 mph in a Mr. Softee truck. … Did you hear about this? Al Gore’s son was arrested speeding doing 100mph. Al’s already made a movie about it called ‘An Inconvenient Son'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 7/9).
Conan O’Brien, on the new Seven Wonders of the World: “After seeing the list, President Bush asked, ‘Hey, what about Space Mountain?’… Analogies … were my favorite part of the SATs. … I feel like we should do some tonight. … President George W. Bush last week shocked many Americans by commuting a sentence: President George W. Bush this week shocked many Americans by completing a sentence” (“Late Night,” NBC, 7/9).
Jay Leno: “Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe. … Authorities said the terrorist planned to detonate the bomb with his cell phone. Luckily, the guy had Cingular so he couldn’t get a signal. … President Bush’s immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term ‘failed to pass.’ … The Senate switchboard completely shut down after they got over 10,000 calls protesting the immigration bill. 10,000 calls … all from Lou Dobbs. … The other day at the Mexican/U.S. border, three illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pick-up truck, crouched around the engine. When President Bush heard about it, he said, ‘No, that was wrong. We don’t call them engines anymore. They’re now Native Americans.’ … President Bush is hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Bush family compound in Maine this week. They’re going fishing and boating. The press is calling it the ‘Lobster Summit.’ Now, don’t confuse that with Paris Hilton’s upcoming weekend in Maui. That’s called ‘Crabfest.’ …(“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/29).
David Letterman: “You folks excited about the Fourth of July holiday? It’s fun, isn’t it? … Great combination of booze and fireworks” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/29).
Jimmy Kimmel: “Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He’s against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 6/29).
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN LINE TO BUY THE iPHONE
10. Finally, I can talk on the phone while watching “Laverne & Shirley.”
9. Can I call Mars with this thing?
8. Sorry folks, Apple just announced it’s obsolete.
7. I’ll be right back, I have to go take an iLeak.
6. The iPhone’s OS X system and accelerator … oh, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
5. This is why the terrorists hate us.
4. iPhone buyers on the left, muggers stealing iPhones on the right.
3. It’s $499 for the 4GB model, or $599 for the deluxe which makes waffles.
2. I’m changing my name to iLarry.
1. I don’t care about the other features, as long as it vibrates (CBS, 6/29).
Jay Leno: “Last night, Paris Hilton made her first post-jail appearance on Larry King. She said spending an hour with Larry made her miss solitary confinement. … The price of milk is going up. Some experts say it could hit $4 a gallon. In fact, President Bush said today if the price of milk continues to rise, we may have to invade Wisconsin. … Donald Rumsfeld writing a book about the war in Iraq. To give you an idea of how accurate this book is, it never ends. It’s 80,000 pages. … Big day in England. Former Treasury chief Gordon Brown is now the new prime minister of Britain. President Bush was thrilled. In fact, he called and said, ‘Brownie, you’re doing a heckuva job.’ … The Senate voted down the immigration bill. When he heard about it, a disappointed President Bush said, ‘No way, Jose!’ … In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn’t give up having sex. Ironically, that’s also what ended his first and second marriages. …” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/28).
David Letterman: “How many folks saw Paris Hilton last night on the ‘Larry King Live’ program? … The interview went pretty well. Larry only flatlined once. … I think Larry’s getting old. He kept calling her Charo. … Paris said she hated prison. There’s some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I’ve actually seen video of her doing that” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/28).
Jon Stewart: “[VP Dick Cheney] is the country’s leader in the classification of sciences, as we’ll learn once again in tonight’s installment of ‘You Don’t Know Dick.’ This is a good one. Dick Cheney invented his own top secret style logo that he often stamps on unclassified, internal documents. Is that stamp A) a pentagram, B) Hello Kitty, C) Treated as Secret/SCI. … The answer is … C. For some reason, Cheney actually invented his own fake classification ‘Treated as Secret/SCI,’ because apparently, the government’s own classifications ‘top secret’ and ‘classified’ don’t sound appropriately Blofeldian. The best part is Cheney uses the stamp on things like political talking points for staff members who are going to deal with reporters. In other words, stuff he wants the public to know. Which I’m not sure he understands is the opposite of secret. And that’s tonight’s ‘You Don’t Know Dick.’ Why are we letting a crazy old person run our country? We’re asking to be shot in the face. … (Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/28).
Stephen Colbert: “I’ve learned that there’s a lot more nations that could benefit from a good stiff liberating. North Korea. Venezuela. Easter Island. … Of course, a country just crying out for a hot freedom injection — Iran. Earlier this week, the Iranian government started rationing fuel to its citizens, causing long gas lines and riots. This is fantastic news. Think about it. Gas lines, rough economy, social unrest. Iran is no longer a menace, it’s America under the Carter administration. And there’s so much obvious parallels between Jimmy Carter and Iranian president Mahmoud Mama-said-knock-you-out-ejad. They’re both known for not wearing ties. Jimmy was a nuclear engineer. Mahmoud is a nuclear nutjob. And they’re both known for their folksy manner of speaking. Our president when addressing the energy crisis. And the Iranian president when denying the Holocaust. He’s been known to occassionally throw in a ‘y’all.’ … Not only is Iran now the U.S. in the late ’70s, I believe the U.S. is now Iran in the late ’70s. We have a charismatic, devout leader who swept into power on a wave of fundamentalist fervor and who must never be questioned. … Iranians, just a piece of friendly advice. The ’80s are coming for you, so start stocking up on legwarmers and cocaine. …” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/28).
Jay Leno: “This week they had the annual congressional baseball game. The House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. Typical of both parties — the Republicans kept stealing, and then after the game, the Democrats demanded a recount. … Earlier this week … President Bush took part in the taping of the Ford’s Theatre gala that will air this December on ABC. It’s a Christmas show … and they tape it in June. It’s always awkward taping six months in advance. For example, right now President Bush is still without a clear cut strategy for Iraq. But come December … no, I guess we’ll be okay. … British Prime Minister Tony Blair left office after 10 years today. President Bush was pretty upset. Although they told President Bush that Blair just went to live on a farm. … Ralph Nader talking about running for president again. … He’s been accused of being a spoiler. You know what that is? A spoiler is a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example, Al Gore’s spoiler was Ralph Nader. … George Bush Sr.’s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. John Kerry’s spoiler was John Kerry. … Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews’ ‘Hardball’ yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it’s a good thing Coulter hadn’t attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/27).
David Letterman: “Hot in New York City today. Lousy hot. … It’s so hot Al Gore titled his next book ‘I Told You So.’ … It’s so hot Dick Cheney shot an old guy with a Super Soaker” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/27).
Jon Stewart: “Tonight we reveal another Dick-nugget with Part II of our classified number of parts series, ‘You Don’t Know Dick.’ … What did the vice president of the United States recently have removed? Is it A) blood clots in his legs — by the way, the vice president’s blood type: B-extremely negative. Did he have his tramp stamp removed? … Or, C) himself from the visible world. Believe it or not, the answer is C. While the White House and the Capitol appear crystal clear on Google Earth, the Naval Observatory, the vice president’s official residence, appears only as an obscured mass of pixels. That’s a shrewd move on Cheney’s part, aimed to protect him from evil-doers savvy enough to know how to use Google Earth but too dumb to realize they can still find him on MapQuest. … Don’t think that Dick Cheney asked Google to have him pixilated. Dick Cheney can pixilate things just by touching them. That’s right. Apparently, it’s a superpower he got when he was bitten by a very low resolution spider. Luckily, with this power comes no responsibility. … Yesterday, in his continuing effort to appeal to the base, Republican frontrunner Rudolph Giuliani — pro-choice, pro-gay — visited Pat Robertson’s pro-life, pro-anti-gay Regent University. NBC, would you care to characterize this pairing in an especially hilarious way? [on screen: NBC reporter saying, ‘Talk about strange bedfellows’]. Yes, it is difficult to imagine them in bed together. I mean, they’re both tops. And by tops, I mean first rate. … Giuliani’s appeal to evangelicals is simple [on screen: Giuliani saying, ‘If this is a one-issue election, it’s about remaining on offense against terrorists’]. And if this a two-issue election, I’m going to lose. … Giuliani’s main selling point, of course, is he is tough on crime … most crime. … Thomas Ravenel, Giuliani’s South Carolina campaign chairman and the state’s treasurer, was indicted last week on drug charges. But relax everybody, this is no big-time drug dealer [on screen: reports that Ravenel was allegedly buying cocaine to share, not sell]. … Not to sell, but to share? And you call yourself a Republican. That is not capitalism, my friend. That is welfare. … But not all is lost for Giuliani. He already lined up a replacement for Tom Ravenel — his father, Arthur Ravenel, whose own rich political history includes the time in 2000 when he referred to the NAACP as the ‘National Association of Retarded People.’ Now far be it for me to question this man, but I believe that would be NARP. But, you’re the retarded expert” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/27).
Stephen Colbert: “Nation, I’ve got my hands on a hot new manuscript the country has been waiting over three decades to see. … I’m talking about the newly released CIA files they’re calling the ‘family jewels.’ It’s a 700-page report detailing all the CIA’s illegal activities from the late ’50s to the mid ’70s. Folks, there’s a reason they call them the family jewels … because you should keep them zipped up. … This thing reveals that in the ’60s, the CIA used mobsters in a failed plot to assassinate Fidel Castro by poisoning his food. Of course, when the food poisoning didn’t work, they went with Plan B — waiting 50 years and killing him with age poisoning. …” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/27).
Jay Leno: “A new poll says that 40% of Americans still believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11. Unfortunately, two of those people — Cheney and Bush … [Paris] said it was an honor to do [Larry King’s] show. She called him a true American icon. Then one kind of embarrassing moment, she said she really liked his ‘I Have A Dream’ speech” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/26).
David Letterman: “They’ve gone around to the prisoners [at Guantanamo Bay] and they’ve said, ‘Here’s what you kids should be doing. While you’re incarcerated, write up some poetry and we’ll get you a deal with a publisher.’ So they said, ‘Okay fine, we’ll write up some poetry.’ … Here’s an excerpt of some of this prison poetry: ‘In dreams I prance through daffodils, They’re like tiny precious infidels, The sunshine warms my tortured body, Makes me feel young and fresh, Makes me feel jihady'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/26).
Jon Stewart: “We talked a little bit last night about Vice President ‘Chinny,’ how he is in fact not a member of the executive branch, that he is part VP, part legislator, part she-wolf. How else do you explain his eight teats. … Morse v Frederick — the case of an Alaska high school student suspended for holding up a ‘Bong Hits 4 Jesus’ banner at a school event in the 2002 Olympics. I know it’s a crass sign, but to be fair, if Jesus did have a bong, that [Olympic torch] is totally the lighter he would use … (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/26).
Stephen Colbert: “Tony Blair meets with the Pope, hopefully he’ll get the Swiss Guard deployed to Iraq. Plus, the administration considers closing Gitmo, I assume because it’s cheaper to store our prisoners in India. … Over the weekend, the president kick started the Holiday Season by pre-taping his appearance for ABC’s Christmas Galleria. … I believe the Constitution declares him the Christian in Chief. So to everyone who criticizes the president for not firing Alberto Gonzales, give him a break, you can’t fire a guy at Christmas. … The Associated Press has reported that the Bush administration may close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. I know, it’s like closing Mount Rushmore — in that there’s a secret prison inside Teddy Roosevelt’s mouth. Ooops, I’ve compromised national security” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/26).
Jay Leno: “New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn’t be more excited. … Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It’s a lot better than loser. … The government of Iraq is under a lot of pressure from President Bush to find a fair way to share their huge oil profits. You know, like we do here in this country. … CNN has video from the Middle East of a suicide bomber graduation ceremony. 300 suicide bombers graduated. You thought you hated it when your kid moved back home after graduation. … The CIA has released some documents that detail illegal and scandalous activities they were involved in more than 30 years ago. The activities include wiretapping of phones, warrantless searches and opening citizens’ mail. Thank God that kind of thing can’t happen today. … (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/25).
David Letterman: “Paris Hilton gets out of jail tomorrow. … She’ll be interviewed Wednesday night by Larry King … on CNN. I believe the interview is being conducted in Geniusville. … Insiders say that Larry King will end the interview with Paris Hilton the way he ends all interviews — he will ask her to marry him. … Remember Saddam Hussein? Remember his buddy Chemical Ali? He’s been sentenced to death. I feel bad for his wife, Chemical Shirley” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/25).
Jon Stewart: “Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What’s he hiding? What are his secrets?’ Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything [on screen: reports on VP Cheney’s office ‘keeping a secret over how many secrets it keeps’]. Dick Cheney stashes state secrets securely by the seashore. How many secrets does Dick Cheney stash? … CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney’s office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can’t shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn’t have to follow the executive orders ’cause he’s not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, ‘Oh my God, the vice president’s a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn’t even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,’ listen to his argument: He’s not part of the executive branch because he’s also president of the Senate, a legislative body. … It’s like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn’t even count” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/25).
John Oliver, on VP Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him: “He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/25).
Stephen Colbert: “Nation, we’re in the middle of a consitutional crisis — and not the good kind with sex and interns. This one involves Congressman Rahm Emanuel and his plan to cut off funds to the vice president’s office. … So why is Emanuel on this Rahm-page? Just because Vice President Cheney won’t let the National Archives see any of his classified documents, even though President Bush says everybody in the executive branch has to do it. Well, the vice president says he doesn’t have to do it because he’s not part of the executive branch. Which brings us to tonight’s ‘Word.’ Fourth branch. The National Archives wants to preserve sensitive information from the vice president’s office. Things he talks about, what he decided, who he decided it with [on screen: And Whether He Shot Them In The Face]. … But the Constitution was written a long time ago. There’s a lot of archaic language in there [on screen: ‘The Writ of Habeas Corpus Shall Not Be Suspended’]. Our government has had to adapt [on screen: Not Evolve]. … And that’s the ‘Word'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/25).
Jay Leno: “”President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn’t want to go, but his father couldn’t get him out of this one. … For his campaign, John Edwards has chosen a theme song from ‘Hair.’ … And Giuliani chose ‘All My Exes Live In Texas.’ … Ralph Nader talking about running again. The only thing that might stop him, of course, is age. Not his age, the age of his suit. He’s been wearing that thing for 40 years. … Congress now has a 14% approval rating, the lowest in the history of poll taking. You know what that means? George Bush is now the popular guy” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/22).
Conan O’Brien: “They’re getting ready to unveil President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, ‘In other words, we’re just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.’ … According to a new survey, 96% of American adults have had sex. When reached for comment, the other 4% said, ‘Dungeons & Dragons rule.’ … This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse that was storing 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say that more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/22).
Jay Leno: “Hillary Clinton has picked ‘You and I’ by Celine Dion as her campaign theme song. In a related story, John McCain’s campaign song also by Celine Dion. It’s the theme from ‘Titantic.’ … Yesterday, President Bush vetoed another stem cell research bill. Bush says stem cell research goes against his religious beliefs. Mitt Romney agrees with him … at least he did yesterday. I haven’t checked Romney’s position today. … Right now, Scooter Libby is wishing instead of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, he was hanging around with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. He would have served less time and made more money. … (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/21).
Jon Stewart: “We talked a little bit the other day … about all the presidential candidates’ websites. All the fascinating features that you … can find on the websites. The videos, the chatrooms, the Chris Dodd gear. You know what they call that, by the way? Mechandodd. … It’s all aimed at jading a new generation of voters. But now, there’s this. Barack Obama’s website is featuring downloadable Obama ringtones for your cell phone. Obama ringtones? … Finally a way for political candidates to annoy you while you’re at a restaurant or movie theatre. … (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/21).
Stephen Colbert: “For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept … the ‘Colbert Bump’ is the curious phenomenon where by anyone who appears on this program gets a huge boost in popularity. … Of course, there are those who refuse to acknowledge the ‘Colbert Bump.’ Well, last week we put it to the test by inviting Ron Paul to be a guest on the show. Who is Ron Paul? I thought he was a transvestite entertainer [on screen: RuPaul]. … Turns out he’s a Republican candidate for president. … He went from zero to two. Barack Obama, come on the ‘Report.’ It is the second most influential television show in politics, right behind reruns of ‘Law & Order’ [on screen: Fred Thompson]. … (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/21).
Conan O’Brien: “A new report that just came out suggests that television journalists are biased because 90% of the money they donate to politicians goes to Democrats. Apparently it’s true, because earlier today, Larry King sent a huge check to President Woodrow Wilson. … The American Medical Association says that addiction to video games is becoming such a big problem, they’re thinking of declaring it an actual medical condition. The video game condition will be called ‘chronic persistent virginity'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/21).
Jay Leno: “It was hot today. … It was so hot Vice President Dick Cheney had his chest opened just for ventilation. … New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party … and has become an Independent. … Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don’t confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president. … (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/20).
Jon Stewart: “Yesterday, big announcement. Senator Clinton picked the winning [campaign] song during this clever parody of ‘The Sopranos’ finale. Clever, of course, because it compares the Clintons to a notorious crime family. … Parody? Or is that what they call in the business, ‘getting ahead of the story?’ … The winning song is ‘You and I’ by Celine Dion. … Hillary Clinton, why did you even ask us? Maybe you should change your campaign slogan to ‘A Conversation With French Canada’? … In other big political news, Michael Bloomberg, the popular mayor of New York City, has left the Republican Party. … This act thoroughly decimates the elfin, effete, and Jewish wing of the Republican Party. … But is there something more? [on screen: reports on rumors Bloomberg will run for POTUS]. … I assume some of the media feel that the mayor’s personal wealth could overcome his image as a short, Jewish, effete, Jewish, bachelor, Jewish, presidential candi-Jew. … The only thing pundits enjoy more than speculating about who might run for president? Speculating about who that hypothetical person would run with [on screen: pundit saying the ‘dream’ ticket would be Bloomberg and Chuck Hagel]. Bloomberg-Hagel? That doesn’t sound like a dream ticket. That sounds like a rare genetic disorder. … In fact, I recommend right here, right now anybody thinking about having kids be tested for Bloomberg-Hagel. ‘Vote Bloomberg-Hagel: A Better Choice Than Epstein-Barr'” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/20).
Stephen Colbert: “Big, big news out of New York City. … New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is leaving the Republican Party and becoming an Independent, possibly to prepare for a White House run. Well nice try, Bloomberg. You can’t just choose to be Independent. It’s not like being gay. … I really wanted to like this Bloomberg character. I mean, he’s an eccentric billionaire who lives on an island [on screen: Manhattan]. For all we know, he hunts the most dangerous game — man. … But it’s impossible for me to like him because the guy is just a flip-flopper. Eight years ago, he was a Democrat with a staunch pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-gay rights agenda. Then he changed to a Republican with a staunch pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-gay rights agenda. Now he suddenly switched to an Independent with a staunch pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-gay rights agenda. Is there nothing this guy believes in? Plus, not a Democrat, not a Republican? Mayor Bloomberg, how can I launch partisan attacks at you if you don’t have any partisans?” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/20).
Conan O’Brien: “Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. … Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, ‘Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/20).
Jay Leno: “Do you know who’s being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He’s a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now. … According to USA Today — this is why Congress has such a low approval rating — 72 members of Congress have given over $5 million of campaign money to relatives or companies owned by relatives. There is now a bill in Congress that would ban nepotism in politics. President Bush says he will sign it … as soon as he runs it past his dad and brother Jeb. … Al Gore complained to the British press this week that everyone is focused on celebrities while the world is in crisis. Then they had to cut the interview short to have a meeting with Madonna to talk about her doing the global warming concert” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/19).
Jon Stewart: “Let’s begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States’ … coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq’s most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People’s gayest member. … The goal of the offensive is to root out terrorists in Diyala — terrorists we originally rooted out of the Anbar province, a place they had settled after we had rooted them out of Baghdad. But, of course, once we get them out of Diyala, where are they going to go — Salahaldin? Come on people, this whole thing reminds me of something [on screen: CNN’s Roberts comparing the current situation in Iraq to Whack-A-Mole]. No, no. That’s not it. I’m thinking more of the tactical issues the French faced in Algeria. I think they’re somewhat equivalent [on screen: NBC’s Russert asking U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker if the situation is comparable to Whack-A-Mole]. Yeah, it’s Whack-A-Mole. And when we win the war, we’ll get a plastic comb. Come on! Let’s let the U.S. Ambassador to Iraq set you fellas straight about our sophisticated strategy in this theatre of battle [on screen: Crocker using the Whack-A-Mole comparison]. Hopefully, at that point, the United States and its coalition allies will then land the ping pong ball of justice into the fishbowl of Islamo-fascism. … As always, the big question with a new operation … what to call it? Obviously four years into the war, we’ve already used Desert Storm, Iraqi Freedom, Enduring Freedom, Together Forward, Iron Hammer, Warhorse Whirlwind, Bulldog Mammoth, Panther Squeeze, Red Dawn, Rock Slide, Rifles Fury, Centaur Rodeo. By the way, not only is every one of those a real operation, but each one of them also the title of a Fred Thompson movie” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/19).
Stephen Colbert: “Tonight’s ‘Alpha Dog’ is conservative legal scholar Robert Bork. I’ll never forget back in 1987 when Democrats scuttled Reagan’s Supreme Court nomination of Bork. I was so crushed, I almost shaved off my Bork beard. … Mr. Bork’s in the news again after filing a personal injury lawsuit against the Yale Club, where he fell from a dais during a speaking engagement. And I thought the biggest hazard of the Yale Club was getting trapped in the steamroom with John Kerry. When they say he’s a flip-flopper, they’re not talking about his feet. Put a towel over that thing, John. It looks like one of Dali’s clocks. … Bork’s seeking $1 million in damages even though he’s long called for tort reform, arguing that the persistent threat of personal injury lawsuits make America’s civil justice system ‘expensive, capricious, and unpredictable.’ Oh damn right, it’s unpredictable. The Yale Club never saw this one coming. It takes a strong man to look in the face of his own written opinions and say, ‘Well, if everyone else is doing it, time for daddy to take a slice.’ I say in the case of Principals v. Wallet, Bork’s about to have one million witnesses in his defense. And that’s why he’s my ‘Aplha Dog’ of the week” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/19).
Conan O’Brien: “The White House announced that this summer President Bush plans to meet with the president of Mexico. The two presidents will meet in the capital of Mexico … Los Angeles. … Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, ‘If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f them up'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/19).
Jay Leno: “It was hot today. I was sweating like Scooter Libby watching an episode of ‘Prison Break.’ … A judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having the stupid name ‘Scooter.’ … Have you seen this new video on YouTube with this attractive, sexy girl is singing the song ‘I Got a Crush on Obama’? It was made by some of Barack Obama’s fans. … Well, now there’s another one called ‘I’ve Got a Crush on John Edwards,’ which is being sung by John Edwards. … The Republican Party here in California has obtained a special visa to hire a Canadian to be the state deputy political director, ’cause they say they can’t find a qualified American to do the job. Apparently, working for Republicans is one of those icky jobs Americans just don’t want to do. … The Pentagon is admitting it did experiment with a gay bomb. They say it’s no big deal. They were experimenting for the weekend. The wives were out of town. They were just curious. I was told alcohol might have been involved. … (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/18).
Jon Stewart: “The Middle East. You know. You watch the coverage these days. The fighting in Lebanon, the civil war in Gaza, the Mosque bombing in Iraq. It’s easy to see the downside in the massive regional chaos, but remember what Condi Rice said last year [on screen: Rice saying, ‘What we’re seeing here in a sense is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East’]. Birth pangs! Which begs the question … uh … where is this f—— baby already? … Last week, the extremist group Hamas gained control of Gaza after five days of intense fighting with their rivals, the Fatah Party. Fatah is considered the more moderate group. Basically the difference being Fatah wants to kill the Jews, while Hamas wants to kill the Jews” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/18).
Stephen Colbert: “‘Tip of the Hat’ to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, usually I’m not a fan of Mr. Schwarzenegger. The guy cares way too much about the environment. Just because you played Mr. Freeze doesn’t mean you have to care about melting polar ice caps. … But the Terminator finally said something I can get behind. Last week, he told a gathering of Hispanic journalists that immigrants should avoid Spanish-language media if they want to learn English. … How do you think Arnold learned English? He turned off the Austrian television set. It wasn’t easy. Who doesn’t want to to watch ‘Where’s the Schnitzel?’ … So, if immigrants want to learn English, they should watch American television. It will teach them all the necessary phrases like ‘What you talkin’ ’bout Willis’ and ‘Dynomite.’ … And a ‘Tip of the Hat’ to Republicans. According to a recent Gallup poll, 68% of them don’t believe in evolution. Looks like your chances at the GOP nomination just took a hit, Congressman Binko [on screen: an ape]. That’s too bad because he was just starting to pull ahead of Ron Paul. … Clearly, the brave anti-evolution stances of Tom Tancredo, Sam Brownback and Mike Huckabee have got science on the run. Well fellas, now is the time to press our tack. So Congressman Tancredo, from now on you don’t believe in geology either. Diamonds are just Jesus’ tears. And Senator Brownback, meteorology is a myth. Weather forecasts are the devil’s horoscope. And Governor Huckabee, you can stop believing in statistics. In fact, stop believing in math all together. That just might help the Republicans feel better when the 2008 election results come in” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/18).
Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, Angel Cabrera from Argentina won the U.S. Open Golf Tournament. Cabrera was congratulated and then a group of Republican senators had him deported. … It has been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is ‘Renegade.’ Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service name ‘Ballbuster.’ …. Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200-mile campaign trip through Iowa. Brownback said, ‘I’m not gonna stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.’ … (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/18).
Jay Leno: “Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an ‘Impeach Dick Cheney’ movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger. … Cheney is having an operation on his heart this week. Talk about microsurgery. … (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/15).
Conan O’Brien: “This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering ‘El Capitan Cruncho.’ … I have the latest on the presidential campaign. Hillary Clinton has launched a new website where people can get all the latest Hillary news. In a related story, John Edwards has launched a new website where people can order his secret blend of shampoos and conditioners. … (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/15).
Jay Leno: “The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb — a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. … Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. … Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson … gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race … and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald’s drive-thru said, ‘You want fries, Mr.?’ … Scooter Libby is going to jail unless President Bush acts quickly. And the city of New Orleans says, ‘Good luck with Bush acting quickly'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/14).
David Letterman: “On Father’s Day, some lucky dad in Albania will be getting President Bush’s watch. … President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania … and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran. … I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since … well, Al Gore” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/14).
Jon Stewart: “On Tuesday, Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani released a slate of campaign pledges he calls the ‘Twelve Commitments,’ including sets of gems as 1. I will keep America on offense in the terrorists’ war on us; 5. I will impose accountability on Washington; 8. I will survive; and 12. I will issue commitments in easily mockable list form. … Rudy’s promises to America. Yes, Rudolph Giuliani always keeps his promises, unless he makes them to you as you’re marrying him” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/14).
Stephen Colbert: “I guess I have to mention it’s Gay Pride Month. Congratulations, gay people — I mentioned you. First you steal our rainbows and now you’ve managed to steal a whole month. Of course, you picked the month with the most weddings in it. You are determined to destroy the sanctity of marriage. One of the key battlegrounds in our gay culture war is actually key battlegrounds. I’m talking about gays in the military. The ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy has thrown our armed forces into chaos in the middle of a war on terror. … We cannot waiver on this issues, folks, and thank God none of the Republicans did in their recent presidential debate [on screen: none of the GOP WH ’08ers raising their hand when asked if gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly in the military]. I say their silence speaks volumes. Plus, they kind of had to keep it down because Mary Cheney’s baby was sleeping in the next room” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/14).
Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, ‘How about you tell us how you learned English, and we’ll do the opposite.’ … Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister, Tiffany. … Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promised if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. So, sorry Scooter, you are going to jail. … Former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey says his ex-wife’s memoir is selling poorly ’cause during TV interviews she dresses badly. In response, McGreevey’s ex-wife told McGreevey, ‘Okay, we get it. You’re gay'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/14).
Jay Leno: “The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb — a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. … Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since ‘Rent’ was made into a movie. …(“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/13).
David Letterman: “This just in: al Qaeda is claiming credit for the vague ending of ‘The Sopranos.’ … Dick Cheney … has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. … So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore. … George Bush … was in Albania and his watch was stolen. … They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. … It’s not a laughing matter. Don’t kid yourselves. It’s an important watch. It’s the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/13).
Jon Stewart: “The United States is actually now arming the Sunni insurgents in Iraq who were fighting us. In exchange, they have given us their word that they will only fight al Qaeda. It’s a plan so crazy, it just might … be f—— crazy” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/13).
Aasif Mandvi, reporting from Baghdad on the second bombing of the Samarra mosque: “It’s excellent news. … This is the second time they’ve hit that mosque. It’s a re-bombing. Clearly, al Qaeda is running out of things to blow up. I believe you will see the violence decrease as the number of people and things to be violent towards decreases” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/13).
Stephen Colbert: “We’re almost seven years into the Bush administration and I am disappointed by how little progress we’ve made on the gay marriage issue. The gays continue to threaten my happy marriage by threatening to have their own happy marriages. In fact, just last week, California state assembly voted for a second time to allow same-sex marriage. I don’t understand why after all these ballot initiatives, the gays haven’t given up trying to get rights. Maybe we’re approaching this the wrong way. Maybe it’s not a social problem after all. Maybe it’s tonight’s ‘Word.’ Pathophysiology. It means the study of abnormal bodily functions caused by disease, as in ‘Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality’ by Dr. James Holsinger, an article prepared for one of our nation’s most preeminent medical institutions … the United Methodist Church. In it, Dr. Holsinger proves that male homosexuality is not only unnatural, but a threat to public health [on screen: Manthrax]. That is why as a responsible physician he help found a church that makes part of its mission curing homosexuality [on screen: Side Effects Include Continuing To Be Gay]. It makes me think that the nation might better fight the gay agenda if we treated it as a disease [on screen: Disco Fever]. Unfortunately, America has never had a surgeon general brave enough to treat homosexuality like an epidemic … until now, because President Bush just nominated Dr. James Hoslinger … to be our new surgeon general. … I say we get this guy appointed and let him do for homosexuality what previous surgeon generals have done for smoking [on screen: Move It To The Sidewalk?]” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/13).
Conan O’Brien: “Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, ‘I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard'” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/13).
Jimmy Kimmel: “In political news, director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in ‘Jurassic Park’ with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in ‘Close Encounters.’ … You’d think he’d endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in ‘E.T.'” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 6/13).
Jay Leno: “President Bush is back from his European tour. He became the first president ever to visit Albania. He got a hero’s welcome. Although there was one awkward moment, when he told the crowd, ‘I love the Albino people.’ … People were lining the streets, waiting to cheer President Bush. … In this country he has a 28% approval rating, but in Albania, he’s a God. It’s like that whole David Hasselhoff’s a star in Germany. … He was so popular over there Albania actually named a street after President Bush. It’s a dead end street, but it’s the thought that counts. … And here’s the latest on the John Edwards campaign: It turns out that yes, there are two Americas … and neither one is voting for him” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/12).
David Letterman: “Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He’s having a new pacemaker installed. … Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time. …” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/12).
Jon Stewart: “2008’s going to be a very exciting presidential election. It’s an election season of firsts. Whoever gets elected, they’re going to be a first of some sort, whether it’s the first woman president [on screen: Hillary Clinton], the first black president [on screen: Barack Obama], the first president [on screeen: Tom Tancredo] who would deport another presidential candidate [on screen: Bill Richardson], the first president who could never actually get elected president [on screen: Chris Dodd], or the the first president who kinda looks like Frankenberry [on screen: Fred Thompson]” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/12).
Stephen Colbert: “As everyone knows, today is the 20th anniversary of the greatest moment in the history of the world … with the exception of the birth of Jesus and possibly the introduction of the iPhone. Still waiting for mine, Steve Jobs. I speak, of course, of June 12th, 1987, the day President Ronald Reagan stood at the Berlin Wall and issued his historic challenge to the Soviet Union [on screen: Reagan saying, ‘Tear down this wall’]. Of course, that was during the Cold War when walls were bad. And now we’re in the war on illegal immigration and walls are good. … I celebrate this moment privately every year by watching President Reagan’s speech on video while eating jelly beans and calling my wife ‘Mommy'” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/12).
Conan O’Brien: “This week in the country of Albania, President George Bush was mobbed by adoring, cheering crowds. Bush was overheard saying, ‘I wonder who they’re mixing me up with.’ … He’s back in Washington now. … Earlier today, President Bush gave a speech at a Republican luncheon where he pushed his immigration bill. Reportedly, the Republicans in attendance didn’t care for the speech, but the guys in the kitchen loved it. … CBS News reports that the Pentagon once considered building a bomb filled with hormones that would turn enemy soldiers gay. … Experts say the gay bomb would have meant battlefield victories for the U.S. and higher ratings for the Tony Awards” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/12).
Jimmy Kimmel: “President Bush made a stop in Albania on Sunday. Unlike just about every other place he’s ever been, they really like him there. They love him. They mobbed the president, and he ate it up. The only problem is that they may have also stolen his watch. … Today the White House said the president’s watch was not stolen. They said he took it off before he started shaking hands, which means there are two possibilities. Either … Albanians stole the president’s watch, or the president took off his watch because he doesn’t trust Albanians. Neither scenario paints a particularly rosy picture of Albanian-American relations” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 6/12).
Jay Leno: “Jay Leno: “But you’ve got to give Paris Hilton credit. With all the issues dividing this country — the war, the Patriot Act, immigration, the deficit — there’s one thing everybody agrees on … she should be in jail. … Anytime you see Pat Buchanan and Al Sharpton shaking hands on an issue, that’s a good sign. … Al Sharpton was here today. He flew out. He had a press conference to discuss how he felt Paris was getting preferential treatment. He was mad. In fact, he called her ‘a nappy-headed ho.’ … President Bush got a hero’s welcome this week in Albania. He was thrilled. He thought he was in Alabama. Go Crimson Tide! … President Bush was in Rome … and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope ‘sir’ instead of ‘your holiness.’ Hey, it could have been worse. I’m surprised he didn’t call him the ‘Popester'” (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/11).
David Letterman: “President Bush finished up his big European trip. He visited with the Pope. They discussed world events, and then caught a matinee of ‘Knocked Up.’ … The Pope is quite a guy. He was talking to the president and he expressed concern over the terrible chaos and violence at ‘The View.’ “Late Show,” CBS, 6/11).
Jon Stewart “To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as ‘the poor man’s Kazakhstan.’
Jason Jones “The meeting was notable for its informality and relaxed tone. Both men welcomed the opportunity to discuss their close relationships with God and their respective infallibility. Make no mistake, these men make no mistake.” (“Daily Show,” Comedy Central, 6/11).
Stephen Colbert: “Sometimes it seems like Americans don’t appreciate President Bush. He is currently at a 32% approval rating in this country. I assume the other 68% are undecided. We Americans sometimes forget there are people all over the world who don’t even have a President Bush. But those who take him for granted ate a big slice of ‘no-longer-taking-for-granted’ pie this weekend, when our commander-in-chief made a visit to Albania. He got a hero’s welcome, swarmed by mobs of adoring fans. He is so beloved, the gypsies actually put money in his pockets. … And if you missed that footage this morning, just click over to Fox News. I believe they’re running it on a loop. … A lot of people have asked, ‘Why the big response’? Isn’t it obvious? He’s a strong leader, he’s spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002. They only just started listening to Nellie. It’s still okay to wear those plastic butterfly clips in your hair. And ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ has just opened in theatres. Though, over there, it’s being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece. … So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There’s no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove’s basement freezer. Oh. I’m sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don’t know if that one’s broken yet. It’s going to be big. … Point is Albania treated the president with the respect that he deserves. They renamed a street after him and issued no less than three postage stamps in his honor. We haven’t done that yet. Oh, but we gave a stamp to the very hungry caterpillar. Last time I checked, that worm hasn’t done a damn thing in the global war on terror” (“Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/11).
Conan O’Brien: “This weekend, President Bush visited Albania and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited, and kept saying, ‘Look, a car!’ … Yesterday, President Bush talked about his immigration bill and said, ‘The political process is two steps forward, one step back.’ Then Bush said, ‘It’s just like the Hokey Pokey.’ Then he did it for 40 minutes” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/11).
Jay Leno: “Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He’s the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress. … Vice President Dick Cheney’s former top aide, Scooter Libby, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. However, the sentence could be cut short if Vice President Cheney needs a heart transplant (“Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/8).
David Letterman: “Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama. … President Bush is overseas visiting Poland. He’s looking for kielbasa of mass destruction. … And tomorrow, the president is visiting the pope. That won’t help. … We’ve got a couple of celebrity birthdays today. Joan Rivers and Barbara Bush sharing a birthday today. … I believe it’s an official holiday now — ‘Old Bags Day'” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/8).
Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.’ … Historians say they have found a note written by President Abraham Lincoln, and it contains a misspelled word. So it’s official … home schooling doesn’t work” (“Late Night,” NBC, 6/8).