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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

New Republican Party: Smart @SarahPalinUSA And @RealDonaldTrump Versus @SpeakerRyan And GOP Establishment

Sarah Palin is so smart. Idiots mock Sarah Palin because they don’t like her speaking voice, or her manner of speaking, or her education outside the Ivy League. The idiots think Sarah Palin is an idiot. But Sarah Palin is so so smart.

Yesterday Sarah Palin even outsmarted us. In our previous article we […]

Apocalypse Yesterday: Sarah Palin’s Voice, Donald Trump’s Power, Ted Cruz’s Teddy Bear Problem

Update III: Conservative intellectuals to issue manifesto denouncing Trump. In a special all-Trump edition of National Review! It’s over for Trump now gals and guys. This should put Trump over the top even in Hawaii and Massachusetts come November.

Trump couldn’t pay for that much help from National Review if he owned the magazine, […]

Goldman Sachs? #Hillary2016? @TedCruz? #MGSP??? – Today The World Ends If Sarah Palin Endorses @RealDonaldTrump!!!

Update: Here we go: Palin to endorse Trump. It’s the Apocalypse!!! Not since David Bowie won the Melody Maker poll for top artist has there been such glee and envy.

Jeb Bush gets Lindseed Lohan, er Lindseed Graham, er, Lindsey Graham from South Carolina to endorse him and bring his dozen supporters into the […]

Watch And Learn #Hillary2016: Donald Trump V. Fox News – PLUS – China! – Iran!- PLUS PLUS PLUS – Our Very Big Big Big Question for Fox News, Megyn Kelly, Chris Wallace, And Bret Baier – PLUS PLUS PLUS Why Does Donald Trump Call So Many People Stupid Losers???

Update II: CNN poll of Iowa: Trump 22, Carson 14, Walker 9, Cruz 8, Fiorina 7. Earthquake warning..// eart*!#qu**#@!&ak*(^%3e ”\\/wa##rn(*&ing… new Io*&$wa poll*&^)$^^. Bush is at 5 along with Rand Paul and Rubio. Establishment election fixers for boy Bush are a’skered. Hold me closer tiny dancer.

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Update: Echelon Insights post-debate poll: Trump […]

PC Blues: Yellowbelly Erick Erickson Of Red State Bans @RealDonaldTrump From #RSG15 Because Donald Trump Is Not Politically Correct

Update: Bernie Sanders is now effectively a hostage of #BlackLivesMatter. Sanders has the PC Blues. The people that went to hear Saint Bernard could not do so because of three politically correct leftist criminals. These are the wages of leftist politically correct speech codes and criminal coddling. Trump would have had them arrested. Jeb Bush […]