Once again we must perform a public service and provide the sanity, good advice, early and smart analysis, along with insults to the presidential campaigns and their respective supporters. That’s because we have never seen so much stupidity.
Now that Jeb Bush is out (although he’s now holding auditions for his kiss-of-death endorsement) there is no contest as to which is the dumbest campaign this election cycle. The winner beyond dispute is Hillary2016. Ted Cruz has the smartest inside baseball organization but the dumbest supporters. But overall, Hillary2016 takes home the prize for klutzes and clods.
Consider the events and results surrounding the Michigan primary results. As the crushing tally of the Michigan contest came in, we saw Bernie Sanders celebrating his “revolution”. Here’s the crackpot in full glory:
Notice the signs behind Saint Bernard. We finally have an answer to our oft asked question about the campaign slogans of various campaigns. We frequently note that Trump’s “Make America Great Again” is universally recognized while no other campaign has a slogan we can remember. Now we can see that Bernie Sanders’ slogan is “A Future To Believe In”.
The slogan “A Future To Believe In” is clumsy but clever. The “future” part is an appeal to his callow millennial supporter base. But the interesting part of the slogan, the crafty, nasty, vicious, “To Believe In” is what caught our eye. Where have we seen that before?
Back in 2007 we wrote about what makes a good political campaign slogan. We wrote that a good slogan should be short, three or four words maximum. We wrote about why “The New Frontier” “Nixon’s the One” “Putting People First” “A New Deal” “Morning In America” were all excellent slogans. An excellent slogan not only puts forth the candidate’s message but it’s also a good attack against the opposition. “The New Frontier” was the promise of “a new generation of leadership” and also JFK’s way of running against the oldest president up to that time, Dwight Eisenhower. “A New Deal” was a positive way of attacking the old deal. “Putting People First” was a promise and also a critique that Bush did not put people first.
“A Future To Believe In” is rather long so it fails on length. But as a positive vision and especially as an attack it is smart. Sanders’ slogan is a canny way of saying that Hillary’s vision is not one “to believe in”. Where have we heard that before? Well, back in 2011 we worked hard to wise up Hillary Clinton in a nice way, to no avail. We quoted that hater of Big Pink, Ben Smith on Barack Obama’s dirty campaigns:
“The former Illinois senator’s career is littered with the husks of fallen candidates, and at the core of every major race he’s won is a personal contrast — though his aides protest, more credibly in some cases than others, that they had little to do with it. His primary and general election campaigns in 2004 featured candidates undone by divorce filings. His 2008 primary campaign against Hillary Clinton was one long, high-concept assault on her credibility, under a brilliant banner that contained an unstated contrast: “Change You Can Believe In.” In the general election, a barrage of negative advertising added to aides’ — but never Obama’s — jabs at an “erratic” John McCain.
Bernie Sanders’ “A Future To Believe In” is a variation of Obama’s “Change You Can Believe In”. It’s an attack against Hillary and her credibility. But don’t tell Hillary2016 that. They’re liable to hurt their wittle heads. The Sanders’ campaign has many Obama aides as does the Hillary campaign. But somehow Hillary2016 does not understand that the assault on her is an attack on her credibility, honesty, trustworthiness. Hillary Clinton blathers on about this plan and that plan and “I will do this” and “I will do that” but few believe her because, well, Hillary is not “change you can believe in” or represents “a future to believe in”. The attacks on Hillary Clinton are personal and she responds with policy. Have you ever seen anything so stupid? It’s 2008 all over again, only dumber because we’ve seen this before.
Why did Hillary lose Michigan even as the polls showed her with twenty point leads? Because on Sunday and Monday Bernie Sanders’ in a debate and a town hall said on trade agreements and other matters there was no reason “to believe in” what Hillary was saying:
CNN exit polls showed that Sanders outperformed Clinton among voters who are “very worried” about the U.S. economy, 56% to 40%. Among voters who believe international trade takes away American jobs, Sanders also led Clinton, 56% to 43% — a sign that Sanders’ populist economic message resonated in Michigan.
In another troubling sign for the Clinton campaign, among voters who said their most important priority in a presidential candidate is that they are honest and trustworthy, Sanders overwhelmingly outperformed Clinton, 80% to 19%.
Hillary Clinton can talk about policy all she wants. But if people don’t believe her she’s in trouble. That’s what Bernie Sanders’ campaign is up to. Sanders knows he can’t beat Hillary on policy, so why not call her a liar? Not that we think she or Bernie Sanders are either of the ones Barack Obama has chosen to anoint at the convention. The big winner of the Hillary v. Bernie fight in Michigan is none other than Donald J. Trump.
Sanders is running a smart campaign. He’s got money and a money making machine which starts printing funds after every victory. Sanders, like Obama, is running a “clean, positive” campaign on paper, while going heavily negative in the subtext. Sanders should just come right out and call Hillary Clinton a “corrupt crony capitalist” but the sensitive souls in his rallies might faint so that is why he does not. Or maybe he will? There’s a debate tonight after all.
Donald J. Trump won the fight in the Sanders v. Clinton brawl. Hillary was a big loser. But the biggest loser of all? Well, that’s Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz lost big on March 8. It’s not so much the three vicious beatings Donald J. Trump administered to Lyin’ Ted. It’s that Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz supporters (the dumbest supporters of any candidate this cycle) have gone all out nuts. Before they were delusional. Now, after March 8, Teddy and the Cruzers are plain ol’ nuts. Nuts. Wack. Bongo. Flipped. Bonkers.
Consider this Cruz supporter who once had a brain:
Thus, the way I see it, the downside to Cruz of delivering Florida and Ohio to Trump is less down than the downside of letting Rubio and Kasich get their stupid fucking Participation Trophy and their excuse (and financial backing) to continue dicking around in a race that neither man can win. Neither of these guys can win more delegates than Trump now; both are hoping just to have a contested convention, and then hope that the Establishment reaches past the 1st and 2nd place finishers to deliver the win to the third or fourth place “winner” — Rubio Gold come literally true, in other words.
This makes no sense from Cruz’s perspective.
It’s time to take them both out, and then take his chances one-on-one with Trump, 250 or more delegates behind. It’s a bad situation to be in, but if, after knocking these two Participation Trophy Collectors, he could start winning by 56% to 44%, he could start to wear down Trump’s delegate lead to something winnable at a contested convention.
See, we told you there is nothing dumber than a Cruz supporter. If we were advising Cruz we would say leave Ohio and Florida to Kasich and Rubio, respectively to fight it out with Trump – and concentrate your finances and appearances in Illinois and Missouri, which also vote on March 15. But such is the stupidity of Cruz supporters that they think Cruz should expend time and money to make sure Rubio and Kasich die in their respective states.
The truly stupid Cruz supporters must be Common Core math students – a trite joke but the only viable explanation for such fathoms deep dumbassery. Somehow these truly stupid Cruz supporters and Ted Cruz don’t realize that on March 15 not only Florida and Ohio vote – but also voting are North Carolina, Illinois, and Missouri.
A Trump win in winner take all Florida and Ohio mean 99 and 66 delegates for Trump. Add the 69 Illinois, 84 Missouri, 72 Missouri, 72 proportionally allocated North Carolina delegates, and Trump will be up substantially, unstoppably so once his near 500 delegates already garnered get added all up to some Trumptastic sum of all fears. The more Trump is assured of victory in Ohio and Florida the more Trump can campaign in all these states. Trump is already ahead everywhere – but the dumbass Cruz supporters think helping Trump get close to 1,000 delegates so they can have their one-on-one Trump v. Cruz dream is smart. Such stupidity. After March 15, Donald Trump wins in states like New York and New Jersey will push him over the magic number and Ted Cruz will be in Texas wondering about that truck that ran him over.
The word stupidity immediately brings to mind the corner Donald Trump has painted Little Marco into. At his press conference on Tuesday night Donald Trump noted that Little Marco’s barking and yelping did not help Little Marco because they were inauthentic. But Little Marco barked and yelped himself into oblivion. Now Little Marco faces obliteration in Florida.
Little Marco, because of early voting already has votes racked up in Florida. The Little Marco votes won’t get him a win. Which places Little Marco in a lose/lose situation. If Little Marco stays in the race, Little Marco loses and his career goes up in smoke. If Little Marco gets out before Florida votes, the votes he has already racked up will not go to a candidate other than Trump, so Little Marco will still be a big loser.
Donald J. Trump has put Little Marco in a lose/lose situation. Donald J. Trump has also placed Teddy Cruz in a lose/lose situation. Because of Trump’s victories in the Michigan counties bordering Ohio (not to mention Kasich lost Michigan, a state Kasich swore he would win) and his big lead in Ohio, Donald J. Trump has also placed John Kasich in a lose/lose situation. Bad news all around for everyone except Donald J. Trump.
We do have some advice for Little Marco though. Here’s our advice for Little Marco:
“Dear Little Marco,
Donald J. Trump in his victory press conference told you about your big mistake in pretending you were a tough guy and being someone you are not. That Don Rickles comedy routine of yours hurt you a great deal. The reason it hurt you is that you got away from who you are and our advice is for you to get back to being the person you are. If you do get back to being who you are we have a way for you to salvage something, we don’t know what, from the disaster that is your campaign.
First, who are you? You’re a whore. You whored your way into the good graces of the dominatrix Bush family. Then you whored your way to an elected position. Then you whored yourself to the Tea Party to get elected when you ran against the governor of Florida, Charlie Crist. Then you whored yourself to the Chamber of Commerce, betrayed the Tea Party citizens that elected you to the senate, all so that you could get financing for your presidential run from the advocates of a low wage society illegal immigration amnesty Chamber of Commerce and associated oligarchs.
Having whored yourself to the Bush family, the Tea Party, then the Chamber of Commerce, you thought you were on your way to the White House. To do that you betrayed the Bush family, the Tea Party, and then you committed the ultimate sin when you failed to carry out your mission of illegal immigration amnesty for the Chamber of Commerce. In other words, you are an ineffective back-stabbing whore.
So our advice to you Little Marco is to get back to being what you are and what you do best: be a back-stabbing whore – although do try to be effective at it. Open your knees and shut your eyes, whore. Recall that night you were arrested in that park. Be the person you are.
Once you accept and return to the person you are, a back-stabbing whore, you will feel and do a lot better.
So this is what we think you should do, whore: Do not pull out. Stay in the race. Lose. Then in your tradition of being a good back-stabbing whore, do some back-stabbing, whore. The moment you lose go in front of the microphones in Florida on losing election night. Then, you back-stabbing whore, stab your patrons in the back, whore.
This is what you do whore: concede the Florida primary and then immediately endorse Donald J. Trump. Ask the party to unite with Donald J. Trump. Say it is time for all good men and women to come to the aid of their party and help elect Donald J. Trump. Praise Trump. Extol Trump. Sing hosannas to Trump. Denounce all enemies of Trump. Vow your undying allegiance to Trump. You’re a whore you can do this.
What will this get you? Well, maybe nothing but maybe something. The Chamber of Commerce and the GOP establishment you will thus back-stab will be angry with you, but that is nothing new. You’re a back stabbing whore so this situation will feel familiar to you. The plus side is that if you back-stab and whore with your full whore abilities, Donald J. Trump might be amused by you and decide not to squash you like a bug. Whore’s can be useful sometimes and this might be a great career advancement possibility for a back stabbing whore like you.
That’s the best advice we can give you Little Marco, you back stabbing whore.
Sincerely, Big Pink
If Little Marco follows our advice he might salvage something from his career of back stabbing whoring. If Hillary follows our advice she might finally understand her opponent is not the old socialist on the ballot against her. If Trump follows our advice he will win on March 15 now that he has won the prelude states.
If everyone follows our advice the world will be a happier and better place.