We’re shocked! Like many others we thought Elizabeth Warren, the “Massachusetts Mohican”, was no longer a thing. But then a shock poll emerged, and we were shocked. Like an Apache brave aware of paleface danger we leapt on our high horse and conducted our own poll.
The results of our poll shocked us.
Hillary beat Warren 99.9% to .1%. Indeed, in many instances the results to our poll questions were unanimous in support of Hillary. Other than a persistent poll respondent with the initials S.H. who proved irredeemably resistant to Hillary’s charms the answers to our poll questions consistently proved consistent support for Hillary. For instance, one of our poll questions asked,
Does the fact that Hillary Clinton wakes up in the early morning with a cheerful smile and a ready to work can-do attitude next to a basket of sweet mewling kittens (with colorful ribbons adorning them) on one side of her bed and a basket of playful puppies on the other side of her bed make you (a) more likely to vote for puppy friendly Hillary; (b) less likely to vote for saintly Hillary; or (c) no difference because you hate all living things?
Other than poll respondent S.H. who volunteered that such indecisiveness on the question of kittens versus puppies made him less likely to vote for Hillary and that her early morning cheerfulness to his mind masked a murderous personality, almost 100% of the poll respondents said this information made them either more likely to vote for Hillary or made no difference.
Another question posed in our scientific poll asked,
Does the fact that the feather on Elizabeth Warren’s fake squaw head came from a bird on the endangered species list which Wig-wam Lizzie herself plucked from the carcass of an innocent hatchling she had just bitten the head off of after she slaughtered mama bird and papa bird, smashed the eggs in the nest about to be hatched, and laughed maniacally as she did so make you (a) more likely to vote for the tomahawk wielding Massachusetts murderess; (b) make you wisely reconsider any support for such a vicious killer; or (c) make no difference to those with pathological personalities?
We were shocked that the overwhelming response to this question from our scientifically conducted poll respondents revealed that Elizabeth Warren has zero chance of persuading Americans that she is anything but a vicious Massachusetts ax murderess.
Our scientifically conducted poll utilized methodologies we won’t bore you with, on dates which were very recent, and was conducted by land-line phones, cell phones, as well as weighted for accuracy with on-line interviews. For those who participated in our on-line survey we added a question after the respondent viewed this video which purportedly shows a young Hillary meeting a young Bill:
Does this candid video of animal friendly Hillary make it more likely that (a) you will open your heart and mind to Hillary the same way these loving animals do; (b) you are so embittered and filled with hate that you will not mortgage your house to donate to Hillary Clinton 2016; (c) you are so cold and devoid of humanity it makes no difference to you how loving Hillary is?
The results of our poll are as devastating to Elizabeth Warren as the #ReadyForWarren poll was to Hillary.
Our scientifically conducted poll results are consistent with all polls which survey the 2016 presidential contest.
It’s not all good news for Hillary Clinton 2016 however. Joe Biden has apparently been reading what we have been writing but unfortunately has learned the wrong lesson. In this Friday the 13th shocker, drinking Joe guzzled one too many:
Biden: 2016 is battle for third Obama term
The 2016 Democratic presidential nominee should embrace the notion of a third term of the Obama presidency, Vice President Biden said Thursday, during a speech at Drake University in Iowa.
“I call it sticking with what works,” Biden declared.
The address was billed as a chance for Biden to explain some of the ideas introduced in President Obama’s recent State of the Union address, but the vice president repeatedly returned to a discussion of how he saw the contours of the presidential race.
His trip to the first-in-the-nation caucus state has reinvigorated speculation he could be preparing his own bid for the White House.
The vice president said the election would be “all about” either continuing the Obama economic policies or shifting to Republicans’ “top-down” vision.
“Run on what we have done. Own what we have done. Stand for what we have done. Acknowledge what we have done,” Biden said.
Biden argued that the economic opportunities of the next 10-15 years would be determined by the policies that were embraced by the presidential candidates of both parties.
“Are we going to continue this resurgence or are we going to return to policies I would argue have failed the country in the past?” Biden said [snip]
But Biden also used a similar tone to take personal credit for the economic recovery, noting, among other things, his role in implementing the stimulus programs.
“I remember the president when he announced the program, he didn’t make me feel very good,” Biden said. “He turned to me and said, ‘Vice President Joe Biden, Sheriff Joe, will run the program,’ and I thought, ‘Oh god. Oh god.’ But I did.”
And he frequently returned to promising statistics about the nation’s economy.
“Almost 12 million jobs have been added since we’ve been in office, over a record 59 straight months of private sector growth. The fact is, America is back. America is leading the world,” he said.
Asked about the possibility of a presidential bid while touring an industrial lab at the Des Moines Area Community College later, Biden deferred.
“That’s a family personal decision I’m going to make sometime at the end of the summer,” Biden said.
We’re shocked. Biden needs to reread our 2013 article The Hillary Clinton 2016 Muddled Message Mess in which we argue that the 2016 election will be either about “CHANGE” or “STAY THE COURSE” and nothing in-between. Biden thinks the message should be “we need more Obama and a third Obama term”. That’s just nuts. It’s not the first time Biden has planted the “stay the course” flag. We’re shocked at the stupidity of drinkin’ Joe Biden.
By 2016 drunken Joe Biden might want to rethink his drink of “stay the course”. We won’t be shocked.
We were shocked today when “settled science” became unsettled. The attacks against cholesterol laid an egg:
The U.S. government is poised to withdraw longstanding warnings about cholesterol
The nation’s top nutrition advisory panel has decided to drop its caution about eating cholesterol-laden food, a move that could undo almost 40 years of government warnings about its consumption.
The group’s finding that cholesterol in the diet need no longer be considered a “nutrient of concern” stands in contrast to the committee’s findings five years ago, the last time it convened. During those proceedings, as in previous years, the panel deemed the issue of excess cholesterol in the American diet a public health concern.
The finding follows an evolution of thinking among many nutritionists who now believe that, for healthy adults, eating foods high in cholesterol may not significantly affect the level of cholesterol in the blood or increase the risk of heart disease.
We’re shocked. We’re unsettled. We’re gonna make an omelet. All those years of cholesterol hate down the drain. Good thing that at the time when cholesterol hate was in vogue the government did not mandate the killing of cholesterol providers. We wonder how this news will affect Michelle Obama lunches force-fed to schoolchildren?
So if we get this right, an egg is not a killer. So much for the science of nutrition as settled. But smoking is still a killer right? Or are smokers to be killed? ISIS implements their form of ObamaCare on smoking:
Islamic State: Smoking will kill you, one way or another
Beheadings have become commonplace in the territories held by the militant Islamic State, but the severed head reportedly found last month in the eastern Syrian city of Al-Mayadeen was nevertheless unusual.
It had a cigarette placed between its lips.
“This is not permissible, Sheikh,” someone had scrawled in Arabic on the decapitated corpse lying nearby, according to an account from the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights, a pro-opposition monitoring group. The body and head belonged to an Islamic State official, a deputy police chief.
From consuming alcohol to cursing, vices of all types are frowned upon by Islamic State.
But it is the militants’ injunction on smoking, in a region rife with chain-smokers and water-pipe aficionados, that may be the hardest habit to kick. (About half of Syrian men and one in 10 women smoke, according to the World Health Organization.)
Shortly after the group’s takeover of large swaths of Deir Elzur province in eastern Syria, Islamic State began to close tobacco shops and shutter the ubiquitous water-pipe cafes.
Bloomberg for president! We’re shocked the ex-mayor is not a cheerleader of ISIS. Maybe if ISIS kills those that sell large soft drinks Bloomberg will sing their praises. In any case, we’re not shocked at ISIS and their effective anti-smoking killer campaign. But we are somewhat shocked that the latest news from Bloomberg did not make much news. Imagine if a Republican said what Bloomberg said:
Bloomberg Suggests Banning Young Minority Males from Gun Ownership
Speaking to the Aspen Institute on February 6, Michael Bloomberg said cities should ban young minority males from owning guns, both as an effort to reduce crime and to keep those minority males “alive.”
According to The Aspen Times, Bloomberg addressed a variety of topics, and after commenting on poverty and education, he discussed guns. The Times reported that he said, “Cities need to get guns out of [the] … hands” of persons who are “male, minority, and between the ages of 15 and 25.”
He claimed that “95 percent of all murders fall into this category” and that taking guns away from them will not only reduce crime, but will “keep them alive.”
Bloomberg said male minorities from the ages of 15 to 25 do not have a good outlook on life and “think they’re going to get killed anyway because all their friends are getting killed.” He also said having a gun “is a joke” for them, that “it’s a joke to pull the trigger.”
We’re shocked. Good thing Bloomberg used the word “trigger” not that other word that is so racist. But we are shocked that this did not become a thing like that Lizzie Warren poll.
We are also shocked that 47 states have more conservatives than “liberals”. We’re shocked that people won’t accept that Jeremiah Wright is still an Obama guiding light when it comes to “God Damn America” issues such as the Crusades. We’re shocked that Brian Williams did not report, nor did anyone else, that Obama partied with Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn last August.
We’re not shocked that like Joe Biden at a wedding reception in a liquor store, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg was soused on January 20. She had to listen to Barack Obama. Who wouldn’t drink?