Below is what clearly reads like a leaked, or stolen, first draft of Obama’s publicity stunt speech. There will likely be very many major revisions to the speech but these are Obama’s initial thoughts of what he would like to say.
We’ll be discussing the final Obama speech tonight in the comments.
Here’s the leaked first draft:
“Good evening my fellow citizens of the world, you Americans too:
By now, after a year and a half in office, after countless parties and glamorous evenings, after many expensive trips and over 38 golf outings, it must be clear to all of you that I am a boob. But hear me out.
I know things are really falling apart in just about every area of life due to my boobery. You should understand that I have assigned everyone but myself to do something about the problems. That has not worked out too well. To be fair to myself however, I never expected to have to work once I was elected. I knew I would be elected because I knew that Big Blog Boys and Big Media a**holes I met in all the fancy schmantsy schools I frequented would fall for all the race-baiting tricks and back slapping tactics I learned and practiced since my days at the exclusive Punahou School.
I never had to work before. All I had to do was manipulate the desires of others to advance myself. To the white liberals I would make them feel like civil rights heroes if they would help me walk all over them. To blacks… well I had some trouble with blacks at the beginning. That Bobby Rush had my number and he beat me bad when I ran against him. But I learned. I used Jeremiah Wright to learn. True that I listened to Wright’s tapes in school, but it was only after watching him close up for years that I began to understand how to use and manipulate black people. Michelle of course helped. Her daddy’s clubhouse training with the Daleys paid lots of dividends for me as I crawled my way up. Michelle, like the Daleys, was once my boss – no longer.
The Daleys and the Kennedy’s really helped me. Fat ol’ Ted used me to get at the Clintons but now he’s dead and I’m the guy in charge. Even “iconic” Caroline is used trash now. Mayor Daley really helped me and I kept my mouth shut about everything that was going on in Chicago. I even helped Daley get his goons elected – even when they ran against black reformers. So I scratched Daley’s back and Daley scratched mine.
Daley also got me Rahm. As that busybody reporter John Kass knows, Rahm was always Daley’s guy – he was never a Clinton guy. Rahm pretended to not know what to do in the 2008 elections because I was from Chicago and he owed Bill Clinton for getting him a job. But Rahm was always on my side. Rahm helped me secretly. Rahm got his brother Ari to help me get millions from Hollywood. We thought the cat was out of the bag when Ari publicly signed on but nobody suspected the treachery Rahm and Patti were up to.
Rahm and ol’ Chuck Schumer wanted me to go after the Bi#ch with a 2×4. I was going to do that anyway, but I played them and pretended I was doing it for them. Suckers. I wanted to do it. I wanted to hit her with every dirty trick I ever learned. But I pretended to do it reluctantly and had them do most of the dirty work behind the scenes and in secret.
Rahm really hated Hillary. She’s the one that used to call him names because of that ballet thing of his and him thinking he was so tough. Hillary smacked him down. Hell, she even had him demoted and the guy lost his office and had to work from a cubicle in the White House basement. Damn, that boy really hates Hillary. Hillary kept the leash on that boy and kept him in line.
I made a mistake with Rahm. I fell for his tough boy act and I fell for the idea that he was the one that knew how Washington worked so I wouldn’t have to do any work. That was a bi-iii-ggg mistake. Rahm talks tough but it’s a bull in a China shop. All you wind up with is damage and a big bill to pay. That Bi#ch Hillary and her sicko friends didn’t warn me about Rahm.
I should have kept a leash on that Bi#ch Rahm but supervising him would have been a lot of work. But it’s too late now. The only way to get rid of Rahm would be to find someone to do the work, and I sure as hell ain’t gonna do it. Right now my golf game is getting a workout. My golf game is about as good as Tiger’s – but of course that’s because Tiger’s game isn’t all that right now. Anyway I want to beat Tiger at golf so I need the practice. I ain’t gonna work.
But back to that Bi#ch. Not Rahm, the blond Bi#ch – Hillary.
I was told by Rahm and those a##holes that I could put Hillary in a box by giving her a pity job. Kerry got pissed but screw him. I thought I had put Hillary in a box six feet under and a sprig of arugula on the grave. But instead this morning those hos at the Big Pink, yeah they’re still around, are high fivin’ themselves because that Bi#ch is on top. At midnight they start slappin’ at me because that fat f*ck Dana Milbank wrote that Hillary is more popular than me and she is getting cheers while I am getting boos.
So I’m plenty pissed in the morning and Michelle is all in my face on the phone telling me “I warned you about that Bi#ch.” So after I calm her down by telling her to help me make up some more Malia stories (I asked Michelle for the help just to “plug that hole” – ya got me? Ha!) things are all cool and I get my massage and practice some swings while all these white people are outside waiting for me to pretend I care. Anyway, things are okie dokie and then the phone rings again. I can hear the sleeves being torn off the Butler and the Maids, Michelle is so mad.
Michelle is mad. Malia walked in (I swear that girl don’t like me; that dog Bo ain’t been around much either – dog hates me too) and gave Michelle the latest news and that set off Michelle. It turns out that Milbank is not the only one that’s pimping for Hillary today. NPR is up my a## too. Seems Greenberg, and don’t forget he’s a partner with that loudmouth sc#mbag Jim Carville who’s been trashing me up and down this shi##y Gulf coast, did a poll which trashes me and says my bros are gonna get a## kicked this November. Man, I don’t need to hear that. Michelle is screaming saying Hillary is behind all this. I feel like saying “plug that hole” to her face but I know better.
Anyway, it seems that Greenberg (or should I say Hillary & Co.) has a poll that says in the 60 D districts (70 overall) that are battlegrounds I am down to 40% popularity. Well, screw them. If I’m down to 40% then they are going to lose so they better get used to it. I’m not gonna do a thing about it. Michelle is screaming at me to look at the “internals” as if she knows what that is. She says the poll asks these questions and gets these answers:
Only 37% in the Dem districts believe:
“President Obama’s economic policies helped avert an even worse crisis, and are laying the foundation for our eventual economic recovery.”
While 57% say:
“President Obama’s economic policies have run up a record federal deficit while failing to end the recession or slow the record pace of job losses.”
Got that right. I don’t care so screw you. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I hung up the phone on Michelle’s ear. “I’ll pay for that later”, I say to myself. A few minutes later I get another call – Michelle. Now she is really screaming. I thought she was screaming at me, but no, there’s another article she was just given to read. This time it’s Bill.
God, I hate Bill Clinton. I thought once I buried his wife I’d be rid of him too. Now though, Bill is bigger than ever and Michelle is madder than ever. Michelle reads an article to me, or rather screams an article to me, from Roll Call. I’m thinking “Did Hillary spend all week lining this up? What is she up to?” The article goes on and on about how everyone wants Bill Clinton to campaign for them but I’m poison. They actually have the nerve to write that I’m the one “dispatching” Bill Clinton. Hell, Bill Clinton is doing all this for himself, not me. He’s screwing me and pretending like I’m asking for it.
That f#ck got two sure losers elected and all I get is to campaign for a bunch of losers who then fu#king lose. He’s getting good press and I’m getting screwed. To make matters worse that f#ck pretends he’s doing it under my orders – like I don’t know what he is up to. He’s pretending to be a good soldier by campaigning for people in the primaries and helping them win. Then he campaigns for someone like Harry Reid, who Bill knows is going to lose, but this makes Harry and everyone else think Bill Clinton is in charge. Harry will lose but Bill will win – all the while Bill gets to f#ck Harry Reid over for Harry helping me secretly and screwing Hillary.
I sometimes think I’m going crazy but I’ve got a surprise for everybody. I’ll tell you about it at the end.
That Roll Call story blew my gasket and I know why Michelle is screaming. Bill and Hillary are playing 11 dimension chess and I’m sitting here, well actually I was practicing my putting skills, getting laughed at and told “stay away”. Can anyone blame me for not getting so pis#ed? Bill and Hillary are playing chess and I’m stuck with a bunch of idiots. My idiot defenders try to play the race card – in the South – are you kidding me. And then my idiot defenders call me TOXIC. My idiots, instead of ignoring the article, draw attention to the article and give that damn Bill Clinton a chance to talk about the great economy he presided over and the peace and all that other stuff I thought I could make everyone forget. What the hell is this? I’m stuck with idiots who think they are defending me by calling me toxic and the Clintons are growing more popular every day and growing more powerful everyday and getting more “chits” every day. And I have idiots.
Bill Clinton achieved peace and prosperity and all I have is debts and dummies. Hell, I wish I could have a World Trade Center attack with buildings falling down and flames and sh#t so I could wear boots and my flight jacket with the presidential seal and I could walk around with a bullhorn. But all I got is a stinking oil spill coming from a mile under water. I got screwed. I want my 9/11 attack so I can get to 90% approval even though I don’t know what I’m doing.
Hell, I know I screwed up the whole Gulf Oil thing. It’s all because of that Bi#ch Sarah Palin. She said “drill, baby, drill” and so I said “drill, baby, drill.” What the Bi#ch left out was the whole thing about how she regulated the oil companies and how they hated her because she kept them on a leash. If I would have known “drill, baby, drill” meant more work I would have said “screw it”. God, I hate women. First Hillary, then Palin. And let’s not forget my mom, the one who dumped me with that racist old woman and that old guy so she could chase after black guys or anyone who would screw her. I sometimes think that my mom’s attraction for black men or colored men (excuse me, “men of color”) was a sort of racism. Anyway the point is I really hate women. Hate ’em.
What hurts now, sorta, is that the guys who used to protect me are now screwing me too. With 66% of voters angry at the media that loves me, the media is beginning to consider its profits over my interests. The newspaper guys who either liked me or their editors liked me are now printing – well let’s face it – printing the bitter truth about the mess I have made of things in the Gulf and everywhere. They’re beating me up for how I tried to distract from the oil mess that could possibly kill the economy, if the other messes I made don’t kill the economy first. They’re beating me up for raising money too and my vacations and how Bobby Jindal (that fu#ker) is at 66% approval and I’m at 60% disapproval in Louisiana.
They’re beating me up for passing a health bill that Hillary could have had back in 1990 whenever but she didn’t want the piece of sh#t I signed. I signed what Hillary wouldn’t even accept and now it’s killing everyone who I suckered into voting for it. They’re beating me up now for stuff that happened in Chicago.
Soon they’ll start to bring up my own BP connections and all the BP fu#ks who helped me get where I am. Sarah Palin has already started and she’s the next “saint”. they’re saying I’m a hostage – just like Jimmy Carter.
[[[[[[INSERTS HERE. Note to Jon Favreau. Jon, after you get out of that circle je#k with Tommy and Rahm and you have some time, insert some policy gobbleygook here. Don’t forget the moratorium stuff and figure out how to sell that economic problem. Word the “czar” appointment so it sounds like this time the “Oil Czar” sounds friendly not like a Putin style goofball. If you can think of other useless commissions, or boards, or any type of distraction (not that wet T-shirt contest you wanted to set up), maybe a famous person? put that in too and we can review it later.
Also should we mention all the censorship news that’s leaking out. Al Gore, another one who stabbed Hillary secretly in the back to support me privately is getting on my case about censorship and “access”. Should we say something about this?
Obviously we are going to ignore all the bad Gallup news that tracks my sinking poll numbers.
I would really like to trash Peter Daou (check out his article in which he says “From day one, the principled critique of Obama has come from the left.”) I would love to trash that Cedric and all those gals and guys who are laughing at me, but best to leave Big Pink types alone. Needless to say I would really, really like to trash as many women as possible tonight, but I know I can’t because there are too many of them and they might begin to catch on as to how we feel about the whole damn bunch. Maybe we can trash the Republican Bi#ches and leave the ones who vote for us alone?
In that policy gobbleygook section don’t forget to mention all the publicity stunts we are engaged in, and make sure you include the Waxman inquisitions thus far. Make sure you do what the New York Times wants done – we owe them a big one for that planted old nonsense about minerals in Afghanistan. Remember, as the NYT’s says, we have to convey “gravity” – and include all that recovery bunk. Do as they suggest and link the Gulf recovery to the economic recovery – that’s the type of stuff these dummies like Tom Friedman like to read. It makes me look like I have a “narrative arc” and some idea of what the hell I am doing.
Whatever you do, ignore the other Times article which repeats the Rolling Stone stuff. Slam Big Oil all you want in this section, make up what you need to make up, these guys know we’re tight so none of the threats will actually come to pass.
Maybe we should also throw in that Hope stuff that worked so well for us. The Times calls it the “new reality” but we’ll give them the same ol’ sh#t. I would love to announce the firing of that idiot Salazar but Latinos might get pissed, so don’t go there. If we’re lucky the Republican response won’t mention Blagojevich or Sestak, or any of other mud we’re trying to tamp down.
After all the policy stuff that makes he look competent, I’ll make my big announcement.
BTW, have you seen my nine iron?]]]]]]
Fellow citizens of the world, and you Americans – As I leave you tonight to take your anger out on the establishment that stabbed Hillary Clinton in the back in order to make sure that I could be their stooge I have one final announcement to make.
“I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your president.”
For all intents and purposes I have accomplished what I set out to do. I acquired the top job in the nation, and more importantly, in the world. I will continue to attend the duties of the presidency that require dress up time for my wife, Michelle, and allow me to further enjoy myself at the public trough. It’s the Chicago Way.
For those that continue to worship me and want me to remain in touch with you – forget it. I am headed to greener pastures. By green I mean dollar green.
My friend Tom Daschle, who provided me with my campaign staff, provided me with many contacts to fund my needs, and who due to certain tax cheating problems was not able to grasp the top job I offered him – is still by my side.
I will be joining Tom Daschle, who now works for BP and for Big Insurance and for Big PhaRma in the great world of lobbying. I will write books and give speeches as well as license as many products as possible. My presidential library, or at least a branch of it, will be in Hawaii which will afford me plenty of tax-exempt opportunities to travel to that land of pleasure.
For the remaining two years I will attend events and provide speeches as often as possible. And as long as these duties don’t interfere with my golf.