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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

Recent Articles Calendar

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Days Of Atonement

On Thanksgiving Day Americans consider and reflect on the past year and give thanks for what they have received. On New Year’s Day, Americans, after consideration and reflection, look forward and plan what they wish to accomplish in 365 days.

American Jews and Jews worldwide have an additional day of reflection called Yom Kippur, the [...]

The Danger Of Obama Weakness

An Israeli attack on Iran nuclear facilities will be a disaster. No Israeli attack on Iran nuclear facilities will be a catastrophe.

Because of Obama weakness the Israelis will have to strike at Iran.

Hillary Clinton understands the need to send clear messages that are understood without any chance of doubt. [...]

The Obama Race-Baiting History – And Other Truths Emerge, Part II

The chickens are coming home to roost as reality strikes at the Obama mythical crackpot history. All that ‘I was six years old abroad so I am an expert in international relations and foreign policy is my strong suit so don’t argue with me and call my “no preconditions” stance with regards to Iran [...]

The Obama Race-Baiting History – And Other Truths Emerge, Part I

Obama’s lies and race-baiting are catching up to him. Since April 2007 we documented how Obama, via a whisper campaign, background leaks, and anonymous memoranda, smeared Bill and Hillary Clinton. Although what we wrote was the obvious truth, no one in Big Media, none of the Big Media personalities, was willing to go [...]

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

Baby Jane Hudson is living in the White House. Her stage name is now Barack Obama.

Film fans will recall the garish Bette Davis Hollywood horror about a very aged elderly former child star who cannot let go of the spotlight of earlier days and yearns to return to the glory days of center stage. [...]

Treachery, Fear, And Loathing, In New York

Publicity stunts, bread and Chicago circus style, are on tap today. Barack Obama will bathe himself in his adored Klieg lights as he appears via tape on all the Sunday morning political chat shows (except for Fox News). These appearances will be publicity stunts, ostensibly to promote health care insurance reform, but only [...]

The Tears Of A Clown

Nancy Pelosi, the person we dubbed “the Katherine Harris of this election cycle” in 2008, oozed toxic fluid from her eyeslits yesterday.

Was it Milk? Harvey Milk, that Nancy Pelosi referred to when she supposedly recalled events in San Francisco in the 1970s? Was it brave Harvey Milk from that old school [...]

The Obama Health Plan Obama Supporters Do Not Want To Discuss

Almost two years ago exactly, on September 24, 2007, we discussed the Obama Health Care Plan Obama Supporters Do Not Want To Discuss in an article called “Reality Based Community”.

We have recently pointed out repeatedly that for all the words and publicity stunts staged this year Barack Obama has not actually submitted a health care [...]

Obama’s Patriot Act And The Castrated Left

This past week the terrorist hunts in Queens, and Denver, were round-the-clock. Today Obama announces his support for extension of the Patriot Act. What a coincidence!

Obama’s Patriot Act makes us feel years younger – almost as if we were back in the George W. Bush years with its politically suspect terror raids. [...]

The Lost Symbol

Update: Jimmy Carter is shouting “racist” too along with other silly people in a clearly concerted race-baiting ploy to save the Mess-iah (especially a race-baiting congressman who is visuallizing white sheets and white hoods “riding through the countryside”) as Americans wake up to the non-stop boobery and corruption.

“Racist” Jon Stewart is talking [...]