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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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The Phantom Menace

Update II: She’s still alive. Still fighting. Things still look very bleak.

Update: Our hearts break. The wonderful and brave Stephanie Tubbs-Jones is dead. Many days and nights during this year, especially the tough nights, Stephanie Tubbs-Jones sustained us. She was a fighter like Hillary. Stephanie Tubbs-Jones could not be intimidated. She stood by Hillary and [...]

Happy Birthday Bill Clinton!

Dear Bill,

Happy Birthday.

You’ve accomplished a great deal with your life since that August 19 in 1946 when you were born. Thanks for all you have done for us Americans and the entire world. Some Chicago idiots might find the peace and prosperity you worked so hard to attain for Americans a problem [...]

Lucid McCain

Anyone who opposes Big Media tool Barack Obama will be trashed by Big Media.

John McCain is aware of how Big Media trashed Hillary Clinton. John McCain is mildly starting to take tepid steps to fight against Big Media doing to him what Big Media did to Hillary Clinton.

At this weekend’s “faith forum” John McCain appeared [...]

The New Coke

Well, “It seemed like a good idea at the time“.

Superdelegates should look in their refrigerators to understand the disaster the Democratic Party faces if they go with the Hopium laced New Coke instead of the Classic.

Superdelegates: Look to your refrigerators for guidance.

Remember the New Coke fiasco?

… on April [...]

Voting Is Fundamental

Imagine if there was only the slightest hint that when Ted Kennedy ran for president he would not be accorded his right to place his name in nomination, present speeches advocating his candidacy, and have a roll call vote. Outrage would have been expressed by the Eggheads and Big Media.

But a woman candidate stands alone.

There [...]

Internal Memoranda, Part II

Big Media will fight for its tool – Barack Obama. To that end Big Media will attack, slime, and smear Obama opponents and protect Obama friends.

During the primary season, Big Media reporters encouraged and aided by the Obama campaign, slimed and smeared Bill Clinton and John McCain about S-E-X.

Last week news broke of an article, [...]

Reality Vs. Hopium

While we fully digest the Hillary Clinton campaign Internal Memoranda which were published today we looked at the Obama promises to his Hopium injesting fans during the primary season and the political reality today.

A central feature of the primary argument was that Obama was a superior candidate to Hillary Clinton because she — [...]

Internal Memoranda, Part I

Big Media will fight for its tool – Barack Obama. To that end Big Media will attack, slime, and smear Obama opponents and protect Obama friends.

A certain reporter took time out from trolling the internets for sex in order to go “rooting around in other people’s personal lives”. As the gossip [...]

Are You My Daddy?

The Mamas and the Papas had a song called Monday, Monday. The chief lyric was Can’t trust that day. The song makes very little sense but it has a good melody, excellent harmonies, and a very catchy chorus.

In the political world, the day you cannot trust is Friday. Friday is [...]

History Lessons For Eggheads

Lots of substance going on (besides the Friday swamp of lies from the Edwards familiy and campaign which attacked Hillary’s character during the primaries).

Before we begin our brief history lesson we must note that the tires on the fake unity wagon are deflating. Speeches and speech nights are not enough. The rickety unity wagon [...]