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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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Voting For Barack Obama, Part V

Update: With video.
————————————

Obama is not qualified to be president, we know that. Obama does not have the experience necessary.

In case of national emergency Obama would vote “present” then run for the door.

We do not trust Obama to run a 7-11 store, let alone a 9-11 type emergency.

Obama simply cannot be trusted. Obama cannot be trusted [...]

Days Of Shame

When we posted Action Item 3 we stated it is also time to think a little long term.

We wrote:

Women’s Equality Day will be celebrated on August 26, the second day of the Democratic? National Convention. We need to organize demonstrations on Women’s Equality Day to highlight the misogyny in Big Media and the Democratic [...]

REZKO For Dummies, Part IV

Since we began our REZKO for Dummies series (Part I and Part II and Part III) we now have actual answers to some Rezko questions we raised in April 2007.

1. Is Rezko an issue Republicans will exploit or a figment of our imagination?

Big Media outlets came to this [...]

Meet The Hypocrites

Obama supporters are all atwitter. Now they really hate Big Pink. Apparently Obama supporters and those wishing to ingratiate themselves to those incense burners are unhappy with our show of great restraint and politeness yesterday.

Yesterday, as we were ready to hit the “publish” button on our essential Rezko article (which we will [...]

Big Media Party Head Tim Russert Dead

Update: Earlier, we posted some links to articles we had written about Tim Russert. Out of respect for Russert family members we refrain today from a full analysis of Tim Russert’s career. DailyHowler.com too is being polite today. Dailyhowler has archives on Tim Russert HERE.

MediaMatters has a Tim Russert archive [...]

Democrats Prepare To Strike

Action Item 3: While we all work on Action Item 1 and Action Item 2 and other organizational issues it is also time to think a little long term.

Women’s Equality Day will be celebrated on August 26, the second day of the Democratic? National Convention. We need to organize demonstrations on Women’s Equality [...]

Democratic Diaspora

Big Media and Big Blogs can’t sell the Big Boob.

In the same way that Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and Governor Patrick could not sell the Big Boob to the voters of Massachusetts – in the same way that Tom Daschle and George McGovern could not sell the Big Boob to the voters of South Dakota [...]

We Democrats Are Not Coming Home

Action Item 2: Hopefully everyone has acted on Action Item 1. The same contacts who received your emails today should get them regularly – maybe once a week. Remind them all regularly – I am not voting for Obama in NOvember.

Our second action item for today and for the next few days, is to [...]

Hillary Clinton’s Great Speech

Action Item 1 – First thing for everyone to do Monday morning: Contact every superdelegate, everyone you met during the Hillary campaign, every fundraiser, every Hillraiser, every endorser, every friend, every relative, every acquaintance, every contact on your email list including Big Media outlets and Democratic and Republican elected officials, every forum and group you [...]

The Party’s Over

This column will serve as commentary on today’s events.

Our standing orders, as always: ORGANIZE.

In days to come we will announce organizational decisions (and infrastructure) being made, by groups such as Clinton Supporters Count Too. The fight for core Democratic principles continues even though The Party’s Over.

We will also continue our series discussing why Democrats should [...]