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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

Recent Articles Calendar

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Voting For Barack Obama, Part III

An amazing thing happened last night.

No, it was not Hillary, once again, demonstrating that Barack Obama is unelectable.

It was not Hillary demonstrating that even though outspent in Kentucky by more than 2-1 she still beat Obama by more than a 35 percent margin (outspent in West Virginia as well, Hillary still [...]

Hillary Clinton – Kentucky Woman

Kentucky results HERE.

Oregon results HERE.

Politico’s Five things to watch in Kentucky:

If the state gives her a victory anywhere close to the 41-point landslide she got out of neighboring West Virginia last week, Team Clinton will have considerably more evidence to buttress its argument about her electability.

It would embolden her to assert she [...]

God Damn Michelle Obama

Keep on making calls to Oregon and Kentucky.

Polls close in Kentucky at 7:00 p.m. (EDT) and Oregon’s mail balloting ends at 11:00 p.m. (EDT). Join us for celebration when the polls close.

* * *

Clinton Supporters Count Too have asked us to post this reminder:

NO NBC ALL DAY. IF [...]

Obama Lemonade

Update II: Video at end.

Update: Cynthia Ruccia of Hillary Clinton Supporters Count Too will appear on ABC’s Nightline tonight.
—————————————————————-

Hillary Clinton is a peach.

Obama is an unelectable lemon – let’s make lemonade!

First, and foremost – keep making those calls to Oregon and Kentucky.

Hillary is doing great in the polls in Kentucky and the polls in [...]

537

537.

There was a time when 537 meant a great deal. Democrats cried. Democrats fought. Democrats denounced. Democrats litigated. Democrats cared. Democrats fumed. Democrats remembered.

537.

Once upon a time Democrats cared.

Democrats used to care about the will of the people. Democrats used to care about the popular vote.

Once upon a time Democrats cared about [...]

Forward With Hillary Clinton

[In deference to Senator Kennedy's medical emergency we will postpone publication of Part III of Voting for Barack Obama until the appropriate time. There is a frank assessment of Senator Kennedy's recent political judgment in the article which would not be respectful or decent at this immediate moment. We hope to continue the series [...]

Voting For Barack Obama, Part II

In 2004 Democrats supporting John Edwards, Wes Clark and even Howard Dean – the “Deaniacs” – supported John Kerry at the end of the nomination process. All Democrats fell immediately into line. There was Democratic Party unity.

The 2004 primary was a relatively respectful contest. There was some degree of animosity [...]

Voting For Barack Obama, Part I

Who is this guy? Who is Barack Obama?

Like his logo, Obama is a man without a center, a big zero.

Obama, Napoleon like, will proclaim himself emperor the nominee of the Democratic Party on May 20. Obama does not listen to the will of the people. Obama will not wait for all voters [...]

To Do List To Denver

A day too late, Obama trotted out the sad figure of John Edwards to cover up the humiliation Obama suffered in West Virginia.

Obama was humiliated in West Virginia. West Virginia rejected Obama, massively, despite all the attempts by Big Media to stuff Obama down their throats.

We never had much use for John Edwards. [...]

West Virginia Elects Presidents

The Math: It was a whomping win in a swing state won by successful Democratic nominees in general elections since 1916. With 93% of the West Virginia vote in Hillary has humiliated Obama with a margin of over 40% of the vote. Obama outspent Hillary. Hillary outworked Obama. Obama hid tonight from the voters – [...]