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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

Recent Articles Calendar

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Who’s On First?

Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton:

…the debate seemed structured to further the storyline that the media has developed in the last few weeks, a storyline that only political junkies know much about or have any interest in: A Hillary has been spotted off the port bow. Attack!

Let me quantify my impressions. In the first [...]

Hillary Clinton – Lion Tamer

Update: AFSCME Endorses Hillary:

This is no time to take chances. We need someone who knows how to fight and knows how to win. Sisters and Brothers, Senator Clinton is a seasoned fighter. Believe me, she knows how to fight and she knows how to win.
Some of you may have seen last night’s debate.

Six [...]

Hillary Clinton In The Lion’s Den – Tim Russert, Barack Obama, John Edwards, Dodd, Biden, Kucinich, Richardson

Live webstream on MSNBC — HERE.

Hillary Clinton will be center stage. The order on the stage from left to right will be Dodd, Biden, Edwards, Hillary, Obama, Kucinich, Richardson.

MSNBC:

Sen. Hillary Clinton was preparing Tuesday to fight off a gang assault from the rest of the Democratic presidential field, led by her closest rival, who was [...]

Lazio, Come Forth

[Note: We will have our usual live coverage of tonight's debate. The debate will be on MSNBC starting at 9:00 p.m. EST. The debate will also be streamed live on the web.]

On September 14, 2000, Rick Lazio attacked now SENATOR Hillary Clinton in a televised debate in the New York Senate Race. [...]

Obama’s Macaca Weekend

As predicted on this website, and detailed so well in the comments section of our many articles, the Barack Obama gay bashing tour of South Carolina went nuclear in a bad way for Obama. [See our articles HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.]

From our very first article on this matter it was very [...]

Is Barack Obama A Closeted Ripublican

Update: Our counterattack begins.

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Readers of Big Pink have known for months of the chaos, confusion, and complaints at Barack Obama Chicago Central Headquarters. Barack Obama has denied and denounced all claims of a campaign beset by complaints. However, yesterday, the New York Times confirmed earlier reports on Big Pink about the [...]

Hillary In Harlem. Obama In The Mud.

Three shameful items concerning Barack Obama on this last Sunday of October.

(1) Barack Obama and his supporters are trying to bamboozle themselves and American voters into thinking the gay-bashing tour of South Carolina will have no consequences and they have already ‘turned the page’ on this obnoxious homophobia tour. It turns out [...]

Obama Slimes, Hillary Climbs

[Note: New York area Hillary supporters will rally today at a "Hillary Homecoming". The rally will take place from 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. Hillary's Homecoming will be at Abyssinian Baptist Church, 132 Odell Clark Place (138th Street) in New York City.]
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Just before approving his gay bashing tour in South Carolina [...]

Barack Obama’s Shame Day

Update: Obama flops and flips and flops again. Now Obama is “Blaming the Staff” again. Earlier he said it was good outreach, now its back to vetting excuses, or is it still an outreach to bigots campaign strategy?

The Advocate’s Kerry Eleveld has an exclusive Obama interview, in which he says gospel [...]

Hillary Clinton’s Birth Day

Update: From the comments:

My wife and I were 5 and six seats away from the Clintons. We were in seats 109 and 110 in row F and they were in row C. My wife gave Hillary a b-day card that read, “Best Birthday Ever”, and inside, “Best Year Ever!”, to which we added, [...]