How To Defeat Hillary Clinton, Part II

Seven male Democrats and the entire Ripublican Party want to know how to defeat Hillary Clinton. Big Media has been trying to answer that question for much longer than a decade too. Publishing houses have tried to divine an answer as well.

Last week, tired of subtlety, Newsweek magazine issued an SOS distress signal in the form of an article called How to Go After Hillary.

The Newsweek article, confused as it is, provides one truthful but difficult item for Naderites, Big Blogs and Hillary’s opponents to swallow:

“There’s a reason she hasn’t lost an election since she ran for president of the student council in high school. She does her homework; she doesn’t do gaffes. Anyone running against her would be wise not to count on an implosion. So if she won’t do herself in, how can she be beaten?

After that mild but accurate introduction, the article, as well as the defeat Hillary strategies it suggests, collapse. Most of the suggestions are frankly stupid. For a real “defeat Hillary” strategist the tiny nuggets of useful information are buried deep in the assumptions made by the losers called in by Newsweek to give advice on defeating Hillary. Why did Newsweek decided to interview losers who are so self-unaware?

(1) The first suggestion by Newsweek is to “Give Susan Sarandon a call.” The premise is that there is such a vast number of anti-Hillary anti-war voters out there that what is needed is a courageous celebrity to show these anti-Hillary anti-war voters how strong their numbers are. The source for this suggestion is an antiwar 2006 Senate primary opponent of Hillary. This Naderite still deludes himself with the “if only” notion that he ever had a chance to beat Hillary. Lessons for Obama and Edwards: the wonderful Susan Sarandon is not going to save your campaigns. The very popular Oprah is not going to save your campaigns. And by the way, anti-war voters support Hillary.

(2) The next loser up to bat is a liquor store owner in the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn who also happens to be the chairman of the Conservative Party in New York – Mike Long. Mike’s suggestion is “Keep the electricity going.” The premise here is that “when Sen. Clinton walks into a room, her star power creates a glow in the air. “But as she performs, the light gets dimmer and dimmer,” he says.” Lesson to Hillary opponents: don’t listen to Mike. Mike obviously has not seen the debates and how Hillary’s light grows and grows. Mike is still recovering from the thrashing Hillary gave to Ripublicans and Conservatives in New York State last year. What was it Mike? 67% of the vote for Hillary? Advice to Mike: Keep away from the product you sell when talking with reporters.

(3) Advice here is “Stay behind your podium.” The point of this advice is that “When Rick Lazio invaded Mrs. Clinton’s personal space during one of their debates in the 2000 Senate race, he made her look vulnerable.” The writer misses the real lesson here and sells the advice as “a vulnerable Mrs. Clinton is a popular Mrs. Clinton.” Lesson to candidates: the real lesson is don’t throw a punch that will knock you, not Hillary, out.

(4) “Don’t lose Page 10.” The premise: “Jeanine Pirro’s campaign for Clinton’s Senate seat in 2006 never recovered after she lost part of her announcement speech. As the cameras rolled, she let 32 excruciating seconds of silence tick by while she looked for it.” The real to lesson candidates: Not good when your opponent exudes competence.

(5) “Study Mike Gravel.” The premise here is that losers have nothing to lose. The hope is that a loser candidate has “an opportunity for someone to stand out as genuine—and attract voters—by sprinkling in some of the freewheeling, popped-his-lid style of the former Alaskan senator.” This is another piece of advice from Hillary’s 2006 primary election opponent. Being a genuine clown still makes you a genuine loser. Lesson: don’t listen to this guy – he is a loser. Losers are by definition, um, Losers.

(6) “Raise money, duh!” Here’s Hillary’s 2006 primary election opponent again. Look at his delusion, he “believed his positions were more popular than Hillary Clinton’s among Democrats—but since he raised only $250,000, no one knew it. Or who he was, for that matter.” Lesson: money is important guys, but it’s not the only thing. In 2000 Hillary’s opponents raised and spent more money than she did but Hillary still won by 12% of the vote. More Lessons: For Edwards and the other cash hungry, you need money guys to get your message out. To Obama who has cash but little else: Cash is meaningless. Cash is useless if you don’t have the experience and support and team and intelligence to utilize that cash to communicate why you should be elected.

(7) “She voted for it before she was against it.” Here’s the premise from our liquor salesman: “Long suggests reminding voters that she has been on “all four sides” of the Iraq War issue.” The 2006 primary election opponent agrees with this loony tactic. This PINO, this Naderite “thinks Barack Obama, particularly, should do more to exploit her Iraq vote. “When she says, ‘We can all agree this is George Bush’s war,’ it’s so false!” says Tasini. “You don’t have to be abusive, but you can say, ‘With all due respect, senator, you voted for the war, you supported the war. And voters need to take that into account for how you’ll make decisions in the future.’” Lessons for candidates: Guys, this is actually a really big secret but we will clue you in. Most Americans in 2002 supported the Iraq war. When you accuse Hillary of being wrong in 2002 and now switching sides you are actually insulting American voters. Get a clue. This is a major insight. You should pay us for this piece of advice.

Moreover, the American voter wants to get out of Iraq now, not refight the 2002 vote. Also guys let’s get real here. Edwards co-sponsored the Iraq resolution and Obama has voted exactly like Hillary in the Senate. Help Hillary in her fight to deauthorize the war and in her fight with the Pentagon. You might get some good press.

(8) “Don’t be like her.” The conservative liquor salesman says Ripublicans must “pick a candidate whose views are different enough from Clinton’s in order to motivate the base.” The Ripublican opponent who lost 67% of the vote to Hillary in 2006 suggests this laugh riot advice: “When candidates run away from their core beliefs they are destined to lose. If you are a Republican, run as one.” Hey, guys, Hillary got 67% of the vote – and the Ripublican was very Ripublican in his views. If anything you should note that running as a Ripublican does not help. Lesson for candidates: Maybe getting some cleavage will help.

(9) “Get a good daughter.” “When she showed up it had the perfect effect. She humanizes her.” And the fact that she’s somebody’s mom makes it more difficult to go negative on her, he says. “At the end of the day she’s a mother and look at the child. No one can throw stones there.” Lesson: Adopt Chelsea.

(10) “Be grateful just to compete against her and you may get an invite to the White House.” “Nonna Noto, now at the Congressional Research Service, ran against Sen. Clinton in the Wellesley student government elections in the spring of 1968. She has vague recollections of the race but says she was lucky to become Hillary’s vice president.” Lesson for candidates: Consider being the Senate President. As Hillary’s vice president you get to be Senate President. Second lesson: did you notice how she won the student government presidency at Wellesley and in her High School. Hillary has a long, long history in politics. Nothing is tougher than those student elections. Some of you were on football teams and Law Reviews. How many of you have been presidents before?

The thrilling conclusion to How To Defeat Hillary Clinton, Part III — coming soon.