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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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Unhappy Father’s Day

Senator Barack Obama (D-Rezko) must be a very unhappy and miserable man today. As Fathers Day weekend was approaching he decided to unload buckets of his Chicago mud politics on Hillary. As with most things the clumsy and lurching Obama campaign attempts, the mud bucket missed its intended target. Instead the mud buckets disgorged at the point of origin. Workers at Obama’s Chicago campaign headquarters must now wear hip-high swamp boots to navigate their way from floating desk to floating desk, all in danger of being carried away by the mud.

While the Obama campaign was busy filling their buckets with mud, Hillary was busy discussing a major policy proposal on stem cell research this week and winning over Republican voters with her intelligence and policy:

“A child with diabetes and a paralyzed 23-year-old joined Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton on Friday in urging President Bush to loosen restraints on money for embryonic stem cell research.”

“Clinton addressed the issue just days after the House voted to ease limits on the federally funded research despite President Bush’s veto threat. Joining her at Dartmouth College were Alex Walter, 10, of Londonderry, N.H., who has Type 1 diabetes, and Laura Clark of Antrim, N.H., who has been paralyzed since a car crash three years.”

“Walter’s father, Steve, said he is a registered Republican but supports Clinton because he is frustrated with the Bush administration’s stance on stem cell research. His son has endured 10 to 12 blood tests a day and about 100 insulin injections a month since being diagnosed at age 4.”

“This is not a religious issue,” he said. “It’s really about a little boy who’s 10 years old, and another 100 million Americans who could benefit from this research.”

“Clark’s mother, Kathleen, also a Republican, said her daughter’s experience has been life-shattering for the family. But she also made a practical appeal, noting the billions spent on people with chronic spinal cord injuries. Even modest advances through stem cell research allowing quadriplegics to regain the use of their hands would lead to a significant savings in health care costs, she said.”

“Clinton said the administration’s position was part of its general contempt for science and disregard of evidence in favor of ideology.”

The Last Elected President Of The United States - William Jefferson Clinton, on Oprah

Today though, is Fathers Day. Because of Obama’s dirty politics we cannot appropriately celebrate the great father that Bill Clinton has been, and is, to his daughter, Chelsea (we were able to celebrate Mother’s Day appropriately). That Obama chose Fathers Day weekend to attack the last elected President of the United States, a two-term Democrat, is especially disgusting but typical for Obama and his Chicago thugs.

We understand the calculation of why Obama sent the anonymous memo attacking President Clinton (the 42nd president). [N.B. We have heard from several John Edwards supporters that they suspect it was the Obama campaign that sent an anonymous whisper to the media alerting them to the infamous John Edwards $400 haircut.] An interview from February 17, 2007 with Obama’s campaign manager, David Axelrod , called The Politics of Going Negative foreshadowed what the mudboys were really thinking. Its The Audacity of Desperation.

“As anyone not living in a cave surely knows, Obama launched his campaign for president last weekend by deriding the “smallness of our politics” and promising to change the tone of political discourse in America. But with Hillary Clinton leading Obama by an average of nearly 20 points in the six major polls taken so far this year, will Obama be able to close the gap over the coming year without playing hardball? And how can he attack Clinton without looking small himself and undermining the core rationale for his candidacy?”

“I put that question to Obama’s senior strategist, David Axelrod, before Obama’s presidential announcement last Saturday in Springfield.”

“If you have a difference over an issue that’s something different than a gratuitous personal attack,” Axelrod said. “But the real point is the premise that if you can inspire people and if you can give them something real to believe in, you can advance your campaign without tearing everybody else down. And that is our premise and we’re going to try and see if it works. If it does work, then we truly have changed our politics for the better. If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t. But that’s the only kind of campaign that he [Obama] really can run.”

“So, I quickly followed up, Obama won’t go negative?”

“I . . . I . . . I don’t . . . I would not say that he won’t draw contrasts where contrasts should be drawn,” Axelrod hedged. “But if you’re asking me, do we have a strategy to tear people down? We don’t. And maybe that’s incredibly naive, and maybe that is not feasible in modern politics. But we believe it is, and we believe it’s important to run a campaign like that.”

Axelrod is the mud-meister who, according to the New York Times “is known for operating in this gray area, part idealist, part hired muscle.” Axelrod is also the one who flung anonymous mud against “the millionaire liberal, Hull, who was leading in the polls…”

In that race Obama’s Axelrod secretly garbage dived into the Hull divorce, a typically nasty legal proceeding. Obama’s mud-slinging worked back then, “In the following few days, the matter erupted into a full-fledged scandal that ended up destroying the Hull campaign and handing Obama an easy primary victory.” Of course the Tribune was printing Obama’s mud. “The Tribune reporter who wrote the original piece later acknowledged in print that the Obama camp had “worked aggressively behind the scenes” to push the story. But there are those in Chicago who believe that Axelrod had an even more significant role — that he leaked the initial story. They note that before signing on with Obama, Axelrod interviewed with Hull. They also point out that Obama’s TV ad campaign started at almost the same time.”

This time the Rookie misfired with his mudball. This story, like the financial entanglements and schemes between Obama and Rezko, is not going away. The Indian-American community is indignant as well they should be. Representatives from that community are demanding an apology from Obama. The crazy aunt at the New York Times a.k.a.Maureen Dowd has a column today which includes a discussion of the Obama mud-bucket. There will be debate questions about this.

Reporters should divulge what other stabs at anonymous stories the Obama campaign has made. Did the Obama campaign plant the very hurtful story of the John Edwards $400 haircut?

As in the Rezko scandals Obama must start answering questions honestly and stop hiding behind a wall of well-crafted words which say very little. Obama must also take personal and public responsibility for what he has done. Obama also needs to fire those responsible for all the mudslinging — Even if that means firing himself.

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