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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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The Long Good-bye

Only rarely do we discuss the John Edwards’ campaign for president. Why bother?

On April 20, 2007 we did write Edwards Drifts Away. Our contention was that his newly built huge compound and the posting of $400 haircuts on his campaign expense account, among other mistakes, betrayed a campaign machinery more notable for the sand in its gears than the sheen of the exterior.

In fairness, some of the problems the Edwards campaign has inflicted on itself were aided and abetted by Lady Luck. For instance, when Edwards, in a desperate move to counter the pending Obama candidacy announcement, by rescheduling that preliminary announcement announcement to Christmas week, he did not know that his ploy to garner a few crumbs of publicity in that news lull week would be thwarted by the dual coffins of James Brown and President Gerald Ford. Sometimes you just can’t get a break.

We also wrote, in late May, in a too long post called Let’s Help Richardson, Edwards, Obama Day , that aside from the lengthy list of mistakes, Edwards failed to realize that Obama had effectively neutered the Edwards campaign message of “two Americas”. Therefore, we also wrote that Edwards needed to completely retool, what contary to dictionary definition, is referred to as his “campaign”. While we believed it was too late for such a retooling, we were kind enough to provide Edwards with a blueprint for the types of changes he needed to make to credibly stay in the race.

Yesterday, June 6, 2007 Edwards was greeted by excerpts from a soon to be released Sunday New York Times Magazine cover story. The excerpts indicate Sunday will be another rough day for Edwards and his diminishing band of supporters. We won’t belabor the many problems with the Edwards campaign listed in the article. Read it if you so desire. If you have read our earlier posts on Edwards you will not be surprised by what the article indicates:

“While Edwards was denouncing inequality across the land, he was also building, near Chapel Hill, the largest home in the county, a 28,000-square-foot mansion with its own indoor basketball and squash courts. He also made news recently for receiving a $400 haircut in a Los Angeles hotel room… Any half-witted political consultant could have told Edwards that, if he really wanted to run for president this time as the champion of the working poor, then maybe he should stay away from haircuts that cost twice what a minimum-wage worker makes in a week. In fact, some advisor with more than half a wit probably did try to tell him, but Edwards seems determined not to be ‘handled’ in this way, to avoid the overcalculation that appeared to paralyze Kerry in 2004.”

Pity. The anti-poverty message is a worthy one.

Now, let’s ignore the singular accomplishment of John Edwards in the Senate, his co-sponsorship, not mere voting for, the Iraq resolution and his rejection of any amendments, such as the Byrd Amendment, to impose limits on George Bush. About that vote John Edwards said “I was wrong.”

Let’s look instead at his Senate record on poverty — Edwards’ alleged signature issue. Edwards voted for the Bankruptcy Bill which badly harmed the poor and the struggling middle class. Let’s read Edwards’ echo statement rejecting once again his own history, this time on the misguided Bankruptcy Bill.

“I’m now spending a lot of my time tackling the challenges of poverty, but I learned a lot about bankruptcy on the campaign trail last year. I saw how many good families end up broke and poor, and how they need the safety net of a fair bankruptcy law if they’re going to get back on their feet.”

“Like a lot of Democrats, I voted for a bankruptcy reform bill before. I can’t say it more simply than this: I was wrong.”

John Edwards did not need to learn anything, not a single solitary thing about “bankruptcy on the campaign trail” to know the horror of a Bankruptcy Bill he voted for. All John Edwards had to do was consult his Bankruptcy lawyer wife. It’s time they had another talk, about the bankruptcy of his campaign.

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