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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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Hillary Can’t Swim

It’s Memorial Day weekend. This Saturday, we remember a story.

When President Bill Clinton was under attack every day by editorial boards, the media, the vast right wing conspiracy, liberal and “progressive” dupes, blogs, websites, right wing nuts (yes this is a redundancy), Chris Matthews on Mudball, and by idle gossip from the general populace with nothing better to do because the Clinton presidency was repairing the American economy, fighting for social justice as well as equality, ending the long civil war in Ireland, saving the Balkans and restoring American moral authority around the world – a joke was circulating in Washington, D.C. and New York City political circles. Here’s the joke:

Bill Clinton and Pope John-Paul II are in a boat. A sudden and strong storm arises. The Pope is flung into the water and is being carried away by the waves. Bill Clinton steps out of the boat. Bill Clinton walks over to where the Pope is. Bill Clinton fishes the Pope out of the water and carries him back to the safety of the boat. The next day the newspaper headlines scream Clinton Can’t Swim!

Yesterday was a remarkable Hillary Can’t Swim type day.

This past week Hillary presented a universal Pre-K funding program to ensure all children in the United States have access to pre-kindergarted classes.

This past week Hillary unveiled the first part of her healthcare program, this one dealing with reducing healthcare costs.

This past week Hillary was one of 11 Senate Democrats who voted NO on the Emergency Supplemental Appropriations Bill to continue funding the Iraq War.

This past week Hillary continued to campaign in Iowa and opening up more offices and hiring additional staff in Iowa.

Yet yesterday, Mudball and other idiot media outlets, instead of discussing these important Hillary accomplishments yelled “Hillary Can’t Swim”.

Realize, the latest CBS News poll released on Wednesday had Hillary’s level of support 22% ahead of her nearest Democratic rival. Yet, Mudball and other idiot press outlets, Ripublicans as well as unreformed Naderites were busy attacking Hillary over two discredited books.

How dead on arrival were these books? In a scene reminiscent of Dostoevsky’s Mr. Shchedrin, Or Schism Among The Nihilists the reporter/authors of one book began attacking reports on the books published by reporters of the Washington Post. “Peter Baker did a terrible job,” yelped Van Natta. “did a terrible job” can also be applied to Van Natta and his partner Jeff “Wen Ho Lee” Gerth’s book.

Already the key source, on the key allegtion in the book, the great Martin Luther King biographer Taylor Branch has labled quotes attributed to him as “preposterous“. What is hysterical and Hill-arious about this denunciation by Taylor Branch is that now Van Natta is attacking Branch. Imagine, the author of this book attacks the credibility of one of his key “witnesses” against the Clinton’s who in either case is denying the quotes the authors put in his mouth.

Media Matters For America has analyzed the books and destroyed them, innuendo by innuendo, in a 2,713 word article. Media Matters also analyzed the three “scandals” that Gerth reported on in years past and how the scandals turned out to be Gerth and his reportage. Ripublicans too “saw no reason for Clinton to be concerned about the books’ fallout. “It doesn’t strike me that there was anything new in either of these books that I didn’t already know about Hillary Clinton,” said Whit Ayres, a longtime Republican pollster and strategist.”

Meanwhile Hillary was in Iowa. Hillary said “I’m going to be in Iowa so often I’m going to be able to caucus for myself.” While in Iowa Hillary received the endorsement of Senator Daniel Inouye, Hawaii’s senior senator. Senator Inouye will also run Veterans and Military Retirees For Hillary.

While Hillary is in Iowa, other Democrats running for president possibly were happy with the “can’t swim” stories. They should not rejoice. We believe Hillary will be the nominee of the Democratic Party. But whoever is the nominee of the Democratic Party will be subjected to “can’t swim” type stories. Whoever the nominee is will be subjected to attacks. We are confident Hillary can withstand attacks and fight back but we are not so sure of the other candidates. Hillary’s unofficial song can easily be I Will Survive. Will the other Democratic candidates survive, with they fight back?

Already John Edwards is having trouble with a book and appears incapable of answering the charges therein. We find it reprehensible to have a Democratic consultant attacking his former employer but Edwards thus far has failed to answer the grisly allegations made against him in some passages of Bob Shrum’s book. Edwards has not done too well in answering the anti-gay allegations nor the message problems with his campaign. Meanwhile Obama is still embroiled in his continuing Rezko problems and the upcoming trial early in 2008.

George W. Bush ran for president in 2000 by repeatedly saying at every campaign stop that he would “restore honor and dignity to the White House”. Big Media rarely if ever replays the many video clips of Bush saying that. His administration is embroiled in scandal, top administration officials are indicted — but the media never reminds the country of Bush’s pledge to “restore honor and dignity to the White House.” Big Media loves to play old Bill Clinton “Monica” clips but they do not play “restore honor and dignity to the White House” clips. Meanwhile “progressive” blogs and “liberal” reporters do not demand an explanation for this ugly bias.

On this Memorial Day weekend Democrats must resolve to fight. We should all fight back together when Democrats are attacked by Big Media. Why hasn’t Big Media played over and over video clips of Bush saying he would “restore honor and dignity to the White House”. Let’s ask why? This is a test for the big so-called “progressive” blogs. All our candidates will be attacked by Chris Matthews, Maureen Dowd and Big Media. Let’s fight back.

We need to plan and act now. Perhaps we need a “real netroots rapid response team” to help the Hillary Team debunk the bunk. The Hillary Team cannot do it alone. Our memorial day weekend has to begin with a resolve to start fighting back. Taking back our Democracy has to begin with taking back our media.

This resolve to fight back will be our Memorial Day pledge.

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