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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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Heads Explode

Non-Hillary candidates and the media are experiencing exploding head syndrome (EHS).

We have noticed from our incoming emails, tracking of news, and from personal interactions that as reality intrudes into the bubble of the anti-hillarys – heads are combusting. It is not pretty witnessing these head explosions.

The symptoms of EHS begins with squinting of eyes when reading polls showing Hillary still in the lead. Like hayfever season, today was a bad day for sufferers of EHS. There was the Gallup poll showing Hillary at 38%, the California poll showing Hillary at 48%, the Alabama poll showing Hillary at 37%, the CNN poll showing Hillary at 38%, the New Hampshire poll showing Hillary at 40%, the Rasmussen poll showing Hillary at 34%, the Nevada poll showing hillary at 37%, and the Newsweek poll showing Hillary at 52%.

Those poor souls who understand that in multi-candidate primaries 35% is actually a very strong number are having an extra strong EHS episode.

EHS sufferers are also having to cope with this aggravating fact:

“Senator Hillary Clinton’s current opposition to the war in Iraq is enough to satisfy members of her overwhelmingly anti-war party, despite her support for the invasion four years ago. While three quarters of Democrats in a New York Times/CBS News poll last month said the United States should have stayed out of Iraq, seven in 10 of them still expressed a favorable opinion of Mrs. Clinton. The poll was conducted before Mrs. Clinton’s call last week to deauthorize the war.Similarly, Senator Barack Obama’s opposition to the invasion is not proving to be much of a boost for him. Among Democrats opposed, 55 percent viewed Mr. Obama positively – a majority, but fewer than were favorable of Mrs. Clinton.”

We had of course warned these EHS sufferers that this would happen. After the debate in South Carolina we wrote about Hillary’s Triumph and followed up with More Hillary Triumphs. It was expected that after such an exemplary debate achievement Hillary’s poll numbers were sure to rise. They have.

We will take pity on EHS sufferers and not mention the Hillary team endorsement schedule, nor the depth of organizational strength of the Hillary campaign.

Most knowledgeable observers advise a dose of reality to cure EHS. Unfortunately, EHS sufferers often take refuge in their self-built news bubbles.

We pointed out how Big Media and the Nutroots have attacked Hillary with their crackpot theories. The so-called “progressive” nutroots are particularly virulent.

Prezvid today highlighted how the news bubble works: “Who is getting better coverage in the press: more and more positive? Thanks to the aggregation of news on the internet, we can begin to answer these questions by measuring coverage cross the entire body of news.”

“I tried to answer this more crudely here when I compared mentions of Obama and Clinton in the press vs. the polls. This showed much more coverage and growth in coverage — aka, momentum — for Obama, which backed up Politico’s contention that the media narrative had Obama with the momentum when the polls didn’t agree. The Gallup poll at the time showed Clinton solidly ahead with Obama not rising and even — inside the margin of error — falling a hair.

So one has to ask whether the press narrative becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: If they say he has momentum, he will.

Daylife’s scientist and artist of the algorithm dug into these questions in the first of a series of posts that will track coverage of candidates across the body of news.

First, what we call the Spinometer. Ellis tracked both volume of coverage of Obama v. Clinton and also sentiment — aka, spin — in editorial pieces (that is, op-eds, columns, blog posts, and such — coverage other than straight AP stories). The volume is measured by mentions. The spin is measured by tracking a set of positive and negative words (which, of course, can change depending on the words you select, which Daylife will soon allow you to do).

Here’s what he found. The bottom lines track volume: solid for Hillary (no editorial comment intended), dashes for Obama. They track pretty closely and in this larger sample — unlike my prior very small sample — Clinton coverage tracks only a slight bit ahead of Obama’s.

But the red lines show the spin. Here you can see that, according to this analysis, Obama gets way better spin.”

Friends, press spin and self-built media bubbles will not cure EHS. If you suffer from EHS, start to cure yourselves slowly. Read the voting history of the candidates. Check out who has the most relevant experience. Ask youself who will fight for your values. Don’t fight the obvious conclusion that the best Democratic candidate against the Republicans and the best President we can have is Hillary. It’s your, and our, only hope. Let’s all work to cure EHS.

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