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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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The Long Road

On the McLaughlin Group this morning the consensus was that Hillary is almost a sure bet to get the Democratic nomination for President. Patrick Buchanan went so far as to say she is stronger today than ever before in not only getting the nomination but winning the White House as well. But the road to victory is still long and the road to national recovery even longer.

Most of us forget, or do not realize how much physical energy and stamina it takes to be part of a presidential campaign. The physical beating, in the best of times, a presidential candidate must endure is staggering. “The past week was an especially grueling one for those Democratic candidates in the U.S. Senate. They voted Thursday on a war spending bill, then rushed to South Carolina for the first debate of the campaign that night. They then headed west for the California state convention, a major gathering of Democrats with a history of shaping the race (in 2003, it helped propel former Vermont governor Howard Dean).”

“Having California, New York and other big states move up their primaries to Feb. 5 “puts an extraordinary burden on me and my campaign,” Clinton said, a rare acknowledgment of stress from one who has sought to look as if she finds campaigning a breeze.

“You know, we have never had a primary process like this,” she said in response to a question about the earlier-than-ever California contest. “We’re all trying to figure out how to manage the resources, the time, the organizational challenges.” She quickly added: “But I’m excited that California is moving up like it has decided to do.”

While in California Hillary spoke about the need to “replace cronyism with competence”. Hillary also made “an impassioned pitch for universal health care, backed a comprehensive plan to overhaul immigration laws, vowed to follow California’s lead in the fight against global warming and promised to reorder federal priorities that she said have left many Americans feeling “invisible.” But as her first priority, Clinton promised to end the Iraq war and bring American troops home.”

Hillary’s list of policies that need to either be reversed or implemented are long. The long list of priorities that must be addressed immediately also make a strong case for a Hillary presidency. Hillary will not need months of training. Hillary will be ready to lead from day 1. There is not a moment to waste and with Hillary, America will begin to move forward immediately and with a steady hand.

Hillary also had these things to say in California:

“Are you ready for change in America? Are you ready for universal health care that guarantees quality affordable health care? Are you ready once again for jobs that pay the bills for hardworking families in America? Are you ready for a Supreme Court that stands up for a woman’s right to choose? And for an attorney general that stands up for the rule of law?” Are you ready for a president again who actually respects science and believes we ought to listen to scientists on, oh let’s say, global climate change and stem cell research? Are you ready for a government that treats all Americans with dignity and equality no matter who you are and who you love? Are you ready to replace cronyism with competence again?

“Are you ready to end the handouts and no-bid contracts to Halliburton and big oil? Are you ready to end the war in and bring our troops home? Well I’ll tell you what that means then: You are ready to take back the White House in 2008.

People are ready for leaders who understand that it is our votes that put them in power. It is our tax dollars that pay the bills. It is our country they are running and we are tired of them believing that they can have a government of the few and by the few and for the few. Those days have got to end.

…Tuesday will be the fourth anniversary of one of the most shameful episodes in American history, in my opinion. The president stood on a deck of an aircraft carrier and declared ‘mission accomplished.’ The only mission he accomplished was the re-election of Republicans. He used fear as a tool for political partisan advantage. Let me be very clear about what happened: The president took us to a pre-emptive war of his choosing based on his assessment of faulty evidence and trumped-up facts. He ignored the warnings of senior military advisers and he retaliated against those who tried to stop it. And once he got the authority to put inspectors back into Iraq, he ignored their findings. And it is something that will stand in American history as one of the darkest blots of leadership we’ve ever had.”

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1 comment to The Long Road

  • [...] In recent days, because of high Hillary numbers in the polls and Hillary’s commanding presence in the first two debates, many are beginning to see this race as we do. The Quinnipiac poll even suggested it might be time to start thinking about who Hillary’s vice presidential running mate will be. We remain on full alert and active. As we wrote in The Long Road, “…the road to victory is still long and the road to national recovery even longer.” [...]