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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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More Hillary Triumphs

Debate day was a great day for Hillary. Not only did she demonstrate during the debate why she deserves to be the Democratic Party nominee and the 44th President of the United States but earlier in the day she received more good polling news. The Pew Research Center national poll showed she had a 10 point lead over Barack Obama. The Quinnipiac poll showed her with more than 20 point leads over Barack Obama in big states — Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania.

Republicans like Patrick Buchanan praised her performance as well. Buchanan warned Republicans that Hillary would do well against any candidate the Republican Party nominates.

According to CNN, the former Bush/Cheney press spokesman Terry Holt said

“I think tonight she demonstrated that she’s the real deal. A lot of people said that she’s too rigid, that she’s too bound by the discipline of her campaign. But that came through tonight with authority, with conviction. She hit is out of the park when whe talked about how she would respond to a two city attack by terrorists. She was the most definitive and the strongest in that regard. I think that she did all that she could do tonight in this field to distinguish herself as the frontrunner.”

Another Republican, this one a prominent businessman, outright endorsed Hillary.

“Morgan Stanley Chief Executive Officer John Mack, one of President George W. Bush’s biggest fundraisers, is endorsing Democratic New York Senator Hillary Clinton for president. Mack and his wife, Christy, decided together to back Clinton, Morgan Stanley spokeswoman Jeanmarie McFadden said after BusinessWeek reported the endorsement.

Mack, 62, told BusinessWeek that he was impressed by Clinton when she spoke at his previous employer, Credit Suisse Group, four years ago. The Wall Street executive said he appreciated her grasp of financial and health-care issues. “I know we’re associated mainly with the Republicans, but we’ve always gone for the individual,” Mack told BusinessWeek. He plans to remain a registered Republican, the magazine said.

Mack brought in at least $200,000 for Bush’s re-election campaign in 2004, qualifying him for the title of campaign “Ranger.” He has also contributed in the past to Clinton’s Senate campaign committee. The endorsement from the head of the New York-based securities firm “sends a signal that we need to get beyond politics as usual and the partisan divide,” Clinton, 59, told BusinessWeek.”

The good news for Hillary also came from Democrats. In California, “Governor Gray Davis was among 25 current and former elected officials and other prominent figures to endorse Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton for president Friday. Treasurer Bill Lockyer, Sen. Sheila Kuehl, D-Santa Monica, former Los Angeles City Councilwoman Rosalind Wyman and music industry figures Quincy Jones, Berry Gordy and Clarence Avant were among those endorsing Clinton, D-N.Y.”

“Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, fresh from the first debate among Democratic presidential candidates, received a rousing welcome Friday morning from the New York State United Teachers union.”

“In a 28-minute address to the 2,600 teachers, professors and other school personnel, Clinton earned several standing ovations as the audience waved “New York (heart) Hillary” signs supplied by her campaign.”

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer addressed the convention and said “What an amazing president she will be for every person in this country,“.

It can be argued that the best post debate remarks were delivered not by Governor Spitzer but by South Carolina Representative James Clyburn. Clyburn is the No. 3 Democrat in the U.S. House leadership and a legend and political power with great influence over voters, especially African-American voters in South Carolina.

Clyburn who hosts an annual fish fry that attracts Democratic candidates every election cycle assessed the debate and the debaters.

“Hillary Clinton did herself a lot of good,” Clyburn said. “She looked crisp, in control.” Asked what specifically he liked, he said, “She stepped up to the plate … she knocked it out of the park on the security issue.”

Clyburn said Obama “did not do as well as he could have” in the debate. Clyburn said he sensed discomfort in Obama at one point. “When he was asked about the three best allies, he seemed to get unnerved that he left out “Israel,” Clyburn said.

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