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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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Hillary Triumphs

Last night, doing commentary on the debate for MSNBC, Chris Matthews looked as if he was sitting on something very sharp and uncomfortable.

Arriana Huffington, doing her Gabor sisters impressions on Larry King, looked like she had indigestion.

The Nutroots and Big Media were in meltdown.

The cause for all this discomfort and upset was the very evident and indisputable triumph of Hillary in the first Democratic debate of the 2008 election cycle.

The New York Post assembled a group of voters to analyze the debate. They declared Hillary “presidential” and Obama “timid”. Here are some excerpts of what else they had to say:

“She knows the issues, she looked presidential, and she held her own,” Jackie Rowe-Adams, a vice president with District Council 37, Local 299, said of Clinton. “And she kept a smile, if you noticed.”

Obama, meanwhile, was “really timid . . . like he was searching [for answers],” she said.

“[Obama] had the highest expectations coming into this,” she said, “so I was expecting to hear this great speaker.”

Roseann Darche, 62, a city government worker from Queens, described Obama as “the opposite of charismatic.”
“He was on message,” she noted, “and he wasn’t spontaneous.”

Some eyes rolled during some of Obama’s answers, particularly when he discussed the recent Supreme Court ruling upholding the ban on partial-birth abortions, and called the decision one best left between a woman “and her clergy.”

The Guardian boomed: “Hillary Clinton emerged as the clear winner from the first debate between the Democratic candidates in the 2008 presidential race – ahead of her main rival Barack Obama – according to those present in the audience.”

Obama stumbled repeatedly said Politico, especially on Israel and terrorism. Rolling Stone labeled Obama a big loser: “He filibustered his way through this debate. He’s set the bar high for himself as a fresh voice for change. And he disappointed by coming off as the most programmed member of the field, answering the questions he’d prepared for, not the ones he was asked: How would he pay for his health care plan, to cite just one example. He was playing not to lose.”

Newsday praised Hillary and scorched Obama: “Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton delivered a cool, confident performance Thursday night in the first primary debate of the 2008 presidential season, while her fast-gaining opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, seemed to sweat a bit in the national spotlight.”

On television, particularly MSNBC, which started its debate coverage at 9:00 in the morning the Hillary Triumph was even more evident.

Bob Shrum declared Hillary “Superb”, and said the debate helped her considerably and that now Obama must do “something” to regain momentum. Shrum added that Hillary was “natural, at ease, she did an effective job”.

Joe Scarborough and Chris Matthews said Hillary was “solid”. Chris Matthews added to his reputation for flacid analysis by talking up Hillary’s pearl necklace which he deemed “very Grace Kelly, demure”. Scarborough added that “Hillary Clinton did exceedingly well.” About Hillary he said “there was so much there, there”.

Keith Olberman stated the obvious when he said that Obama, responding to a question about his “dicey doners” did not answer well.

Howard Fineman who usually delights in mocking Hillary was forced to concede that “Hillary did superbly well” that “Obama was off his game”, “she was in command”.

Craig Crawford of National Journal said that “Hillary exceeded, Obama fumbled”, “Hillary was presidential” and that “Obama could not even handle Kucinich”.

But it was erstwhile Republican Patrick Buchanan who summarized the debate the best. Here are excerpts of what he said: “Hillary was at the top of her game, Obama was disappointing” and “Hillary really won it, Obama went into his old formula of anecdotes.” “My question is: Is there any there there? Is this just a suit?” He said Obama was “gauzy and abstract”, “almost in Dukakis league” that Hillary is a “strong front runner”. Buchanan also issued a warning to his fellow Republicans. He said that “her performance tells me that if next fall she is standing next to Rudy, McCain or Romney — she will win, she was superior to all candidates tonight. He rated her “A or A+” and that Hillary “sounded responsible, she sounded centrist and appealing to independents.”

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