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The Funnies

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February 17, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas

10 Exchange U.S. dollars for currency that's worth something

9 Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler

8 Shift world's perception of America from "hated" to "extremely disliked"

7 Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors

6 Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits

5 Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso

4 Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy

3 Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products

2 Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled "The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby"

1 Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama

February 16, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Abraham lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10 "Sup?"

9 "I see Madonna's still a slut"

8 "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"

7 "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"

6 "I just changed my Facebook status update to, Tthe 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"

5 "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"

4 "Okay, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"

3 "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"

2 "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"

1 "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks. I'm good."

January 28, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans

10 "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"

9 "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

8 "Smoke break!"

7 "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"

6 "Mr. President: don't misunderestimate the Republicans"

5 "Another smoke break!"

4 "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"

3 "About that tax the rich stuff -- you were joking, right?"

2 "Sir, it's refreshing to have a Chief Executive who speaks in complete sentences"

1 "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"

January 27, 2009 - David Letterman - Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10 Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"

9 Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop

8 Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOYYYJEVICH"

7 Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest

6 Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape

5 Change his name to Barod Obamavich

4 Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River

3 I don't know...how about showing up for his impeachment trial?

2 Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!"

1 Uhhh...resign?

January 16, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervious

10 New slogan: "Yes we can... or maybe not, it's hard to say"

9 In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry

8 He's up to not smoking three packs a day

7 Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and...no, that's McCain

6 He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta

5 Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

4 Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back

3 Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"

2 Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early

1 He demanded a recount

January 8, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy

10 Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon

9 End our dependence on foreign owls

8 Sell New Mexico to Mexico

7 Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!

6 Rent out the moon for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

5 Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch

4 Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase

3 Bail out the adult film industry -- not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt

2 Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China

1 Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!

January 7, 2000 - David Letterman - Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch

10 "Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"

9 "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"

8 "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"

7 "You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"

6 "Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!"

5 "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"

4 "Kissey kissey"

3 "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"

2 "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"

1 "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"

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Edwards Drifts Away

We long ago gave up any hope for Edwards and his hapless campaign. We now feel about him the way we feel about other losing candidates – just go away.

We complimented his stumbling, bumbling campaign the other day due to some hiring decisions that were OK. However, when stories are published, like the $400 haircut being posted on his campaign expense account, and that the campaign either did not think this would be noticed, that it mattered, or worse that it does not have a mechanism to detect and prevent this type of embarrasment from happening it makes us want to throw dirt into the grave.

Surely, “two Americas” Edwards must realize that $400 haircuts and huge compounds to live in are a dagger pointed at the throat of his campaign message. We do not begrudge Edwards having a massive house, nor having expensive haircuts. His hair is lovely enough that he should give it all the care and attention in the world and we would love a weekend or longer invitation to luxuriate in the “house”. Hell, didn’t Biden spend a fortune on follicle migrations from the back of his head to the front of his head and don’t most presidential candidates live in very comfortable circumstances? The complaint is not that Edwards has the right to live in the manner he chooses, but rather doesn’t Edwards realize the actual message his campaign is sending with $400 haircut headlines? Don’t they realize that this is simply a message disaster? Doesn’t Edwards remember Kerry windsurfing and skiiing (instead of humble everyday, everyman sports like basketball, or touch football), and the way that was exploited by Republicans? We know that the Republicans will create attacks out of nothing; they do that to Hillary every day. But it is not wise to supply them with so much ammunition.

The final nail in the coffin for the Edwards campaign is the news that Joe Trippi is joining the campaign. Hillary got Ethan Geto of the NY Dean campaign, who, though thought by many to be obnoxious, did a good job for Dean in NY. Joe Trippi is another story. He should be kept away from campaigns.

We found these 2 comments on TalkingPointsMemo which recall some of the Trippi legacy:

“Don’t you think a lot of “Deaniacs” despise Trippi and hold him responsible in good measure for blowing all the money (and taking a good chunk for himself)? I know I do. I contributed to the Dean campaign and I was disgusted by how they mishandled EVERYTHING, especially the money.”

and:

“I wasn’t an early supporter of Dean, so I had no soft spot for him after Iowa. But when I heard Joe Trippi calling into CNN from his car phone while driving East cross country heading back to wherever, I think it was Boston, to announce he had defected from the campaign, I thought to myself, “What a piece of junk.” If you want to abandon your candidate, fine, but what a rat!”

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